Rihanna's long-awaited interview with Diane Sawyer aired this morning on Good Morning America, and I won't bore you with the details (I'll let Rihanna do that, but I never realized she sounded like a Jamaican guy at a coconut stand trying to sell me weed. Halfway through this video, I fully expected her to say, "Why pay $4.99?! Da cards don lie! Call me now fer ya free reedin!!"

Almost a year after Chris Brown did this to her, Rihanna, in an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer that will air tomorrow of Good Morning America and 20/20, talks for the first time about her savage beating and what she's gone through since. People reports:

"This happened to me. … It can happen to anyone," the singer, 21, tells Diane Sawyer in an interview airing Thursday on Good Morning America and on 20/20 on Friday. Rihanna says it was particularly difficult because of the special place Brown held in her heart: "He was definitely my first big love." Both singers have worked to move on. Brown is serving a community labor sentence in Virginia and working on new music for an album titled Graffiti that will drop Dec. 15. Rihanna is shaking things up with her edgy fashion and releasing her fourth album, Rated R, on Nov. 23.

I don't even like Rihanna, but Chris Brown is an unrepentant jackass who beat her ass because she had the nerve to get upset because he was texting another bitch. I haven't seen this interview, but the only way it could get better if they have a live satellite feed of Chris Brown tied up with that goat in the T-Rex paddock.

Oprah Winfrey recently had a show about domestic violence which she dedicated to “all the Rihannas of the world". That made Chris Brown angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. MSNBC reports:

In the new issue of People magazine, Chris Brown says he felt like Oprah Winfrey’s show about domestic violence, which was dedicated to “all the Rihannas of the world,” and aired after he assaulted ex-girlfriend Rihanna, was a “slap in the face.” “I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face,” Brown told People. “I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could’ve been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’” Brown might come to regret speaking out on the issue. “He’s done,” said one well-placed source with direct connections to some of Brown’s endorsement opportunities. “Whatever goodwill he had, he’s totally ruined it by saying that. What was he thinking? And who the hell goes up against Oprah? It just shows he doesn’t think. No one is going to want him as the face of their brand.”

"A slap in the face"? Hey Chris, did you mean that in the figurative sense or did you mean the kind of slaps Rihanna got that were detailed in the police report? You can see how we might be a little confused. But you might want to be careful though. You just talked shit about Oprah. She might not let you back on her show or she might send robot ninja assassins to your house. You won't know they're robot ninja assassins of course. The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human... sweat, bad breath, everything.

Hey, remember yesterday when Chris Brown said he didn't remember beating the hell out of Rihanna? He apparently doesn't remember that either because now he wants to "set things straight". With "things" being the shit we saw on live television. Us Magazine reports:

He says: "There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight. "That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like four or five times -- and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said. "The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer -- which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, 'Do you remember doing it?' and I said, 'No.' "Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am or is what happened like anything I have ever done before."

You know what also wasn't fair to Rihanna? Oh I don't know, choking her out? So unless you were possessed or the alien invasion has already begun and they've taken your body as a host, it was you, you jackass. You did it, you said it. Just because a person can't "remember" something doesn't mean it didn't happen. Unless you're that college chick I met last night, then I don't know what you're talking about. Maybe your panties just had some place to be. Why don't you go interrogate them since you're a detective all of a sudden.

Appearing live on television for the first time since he did this to Rihanna because she had the nerve to ask him who he was texting, Chris Brown told Larry King that he didn't remember beating the shit out of her. Us Magazine reports:

"When I look at it now, it's just like, wow, like, I can't — I can't believe that — that actually happened," he says in the interview, set to air Wednesday...Brown told King that "everything comes with consequences. They want me to pick up trash remove graffiti. I'm a hard worker. It's something I’m willing to do." Along with his mother Joyce Hawkins, Brown told King how he grew up in an abusive home. Hawkins said her husband beat her – and Brown said he knew it: "I used to be scared to go to bed."
But he said he is not blaming his past for the attack on Rihanna."Nobody taught us how to love one another. Nobody taught us a book on how to — how to control our emotions or our anger," he said. "I wish I could have changed that night."

It's unclear from this video if he needs some Ginkgo biloba to go with that baby blue sweater and bowtie, but a trident through the chest might jog his memory.

In the South, when you do this to a female, if you're lucky you get to spend the rest of your life on a morphine drip, but in Hall of Justice that is Los Angeles, a judge just tells you that you have to stay a few yards away from her. TMZ reports:

Down to business, the judge sentenced Brown to perform hard labor at the Commonwealth Catholic Charities in Richmond, VA, where he must also take a 52-week domestic violence course. The judge ruled Brown -- who pleaded guilty to felony assault -- must stay 100 yards away from Rihanna, unless they are both at an entertainment-related event, in which case he must stay 10 yards away. The protective order lasts 5 years. He must provide DNA samples as requested by authorities. Brown must also keep in touch with the Probation Department and is subject to search and seizure 24/7 for the next 5 years. He can't own any dangerous weapons, including guns or knives. Brown must pay $2,500 in restitution and another $2,500 in probation expenses. He must also pay a $30 criminal conviction fee -- BARGAIN! He must also pay $400 that goes into a domestic violence fund. Brown must get prior approval before leaving the country. As Brown left court, female fans could be heard screaming "I love you."

Not to get on a rant here, but I was born and raised in the South and we may be a bunch of ignorant rednecks, but the worst thing you could ever possibly do is make your mama or God upset. In that order. And the best way to do that is to beat on a woman like an Iraqi prisoner. Not only would you get taken out in the street and stoned, you'd sit there and take it. Because you'd fucking deserve it.

Although he did this to Rihanna because she dared to ask him about a woman he was texting, Chris Brown was sentenced to 180 days of community service in his home state of Virginia where he will, as punishment, be picking up trash, pulling weeds and washing fire trucks. Pardon me while I go punch a hole in the wall. TMZ reports:

He gets 5 years probation for FELONY assault -- he pled guilty. He'll get supervised probation. He'll have to come back to court every three months. He must enroll in a domestic violence counseling program. This is interesting ... the judge said if Brown and Rihanna are at the same public events, the 50-yard stay away turns into 10 yards. The stay away order lasts 5 years. The judge said she wanted to make sure that Chris Brown "was treated as any other person who comes through this court." If Brown violates probation, he could get up to 4 years in prison. Rihanna is in the courthouse but never entered the courtroom. So Brown is now a convicted felon and loses the following rights: To own a gun, to sit on a jury, subject to search and seizure without a search warrant and he now has limitations on travel. When Brown left the courtroom ... Rihanna walked in the courtroom. The judge explained the deal to her. The judge is telling Rihanna about the protective order.

Wow. Thanks again California judicial system. I'm sure a woman beater will learn his lesson by doing chores I did when I was 10. Man, it's a good thing he didn't kill her then you'd really have to punish him to the fullest extent of California law. Like sentencing him to watch a scary movie or going to bed without ice cream. That'll teach him!!

Ready to put that whole business of choking out and kicking Rihanna's ass behind him, Chris Brown thinks his upcoming album will be a masterpiece and people around the world will flock to the swap meet to buy it. People reports:

"Chris is focused," says songwriter Robert Allen, who is working with Brown on his upcoming album, tentatively titled Graffiti. "He knows how to deal with whatever is going on and is willing to do what he has to do to please his fans."..."You want to go away so your audience can miss you some," Allen says of why Brown has laid low. "But he's so happy and ready for this next album to break through and make a big impact. He wants this to be his masterpiece. He's predicting this will be his biggest album."

I agree, Chris Brown should go away for a while. Maybe he can be a contestant on The Running Man. Or maybe he can go to a Mars prison colony with one of those collars around his neck that explodes if he wanders out of the designated sector. Or we can throw him into a lion pit. Lions are cool!