Christina Hendricks and her massive and secured with bungee cords tits are on the cover of the March issue of Cosmopolitan where inside we learn how she "chased her man and caught him". I assume they mean that figuratively.

I realize homosexuals ("Straight guys think she's fat, so I think she's fab!") and women ("I'm just as big as she is, that means I'm sexy too!") love Christina Hendricks, but she's just a soulless ginger with a busted face, jagged teeth, and well-placed fat deposits who lives in a time where technological advancements such as Spanx and corsets infused with Adamantium have helped her become a sex symbol. I guess what I'm saying is that she's not attractive. "But Todd, Todd, she has huge tits!" Aretha Franklin has huge tits, too. Why don't you go fuck her? No? Racist.

I assume she lost a bet or got dared, because Christina Hendricks showed up to the Club Tacori 2011 event in West Hollywood in all black without her massive rack hanging out forcing people to look at her face. C'mon, man. Nobody wants to see that.

I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but Chrsitina Hendricks showed up to the Emmys last night in a dress to show off her gigantic rack to get you disoriented and make you forget what the rest looks like. And who had the idea to make a deathly pale ginger pose in front of white and gold background? Is she supposed to be stunning or camouflaged?

Note: Being a woman automatically means you have self-esteem and body issues, but please keep in mind this is her husband. He must have tied a Twinkie to a string and made her chase it. Then he saved her life when she swallowed the ring he stuffed inside. Then he proposed. Then she finished the Twinkie. It's a pretty touching story when you really think about it.

Christina Hendricks attended the NYC premiere of I Don't Know How She Does It last night, and that's not true. She does it by eating a lot and using reversed engineered alien technology to make her bras so her tits can breathe when they're sitting way above their normal atmosphere. I bet she can put her nippples in her bellybutton when they get cold. I know. You don't have to say it. That's pretty sexy.

Exciting news, everyone! Here's Christina Hendricks on the set of her new movie, Struck By Lightning. According to internet reports I made up just now, it's Powder meets Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs meets the What The Fuck Is Up With Her Feet? Feet Aren't Supposed To Look Like That, Right? Can She Cut That Off? What Is That? Why Is She Fat?

In the new issue of Lucky Magazine, Christina Hendricks talks about how hard it is to find a bathing suit that fits because she has huge tits. Yep. I'm sure that's the reason. Us Magazine reports:

Christina Hendricks loves her curvy shape -- but that doesn't mean she always loves dressing it. "I have to be careful about my proportions and keep it simple," the Mad Men star, 36, tells Lucky's August issue. "What works for me is structure and something that shows my waist." The biggest problem, she says, is finding swimwear that flatters her figure. "It's really hard to find a bathing suit if you have breasts," she explains. "You either get smooshed down or there's no support. My husband [Geoffrey Arend] and I have sketched out designs."

Right. Her tits are the problem. Because it's rare that you see chicks with huge tits able to find a swimsuit that fits. You know, except for here, here, here, here, or millions of others pictures you can find by Googling "chicks with big tits in bikinis". Christina Hendricks looks like this and this in a swimsuit. So, instead of being "careful about my proportions", she should be more careful about her portions in the velociraptor cage. That way she won't have to watch Little Mermaid and sketch the thing that the lady who stole Ariel's singing voice wore.

Oh, btw. This picture was taken two days ago. Just throwing that out there:

Was Wonder Woman born in a Wonder Bread factory and carry a Magic Defibrillator to use after she has to chase criminals up a flight of stairs? I don't get it. New York Mag reports:

Nicolas Winding Refn has a plan in mind for a big-screen Wonder Woman that is sure to intrigue fanboys and please Mad Men devotees. At the U.S. premiere of Refn's Ryan Gosling neo-noir Drive at the Los Angeles Film Festival last night, Refn referenced the Wonder Woman project he's long wanted to make, then pointed at his Drive co-star Christina Hendricks and said, "If I ever get to do it, she's going to be it." Hendricks would almost certainly be game — she told Rachael Ray last year that "I've been wanting to wear that outfit my whole life ... I had Underoos — I had Wonder Woman Underoos."

Don't get me wrong, I hope this gets made. Because I would pay CASH MONEY to see how they film the stunts and introduce her new sidekick, the Hostess cupcake.