Cristiano Ronaldo is a Portuguese soccer player and who your girlfriend wishes you looked like. He is also the ass face of Armani Jeans (where are the jeans??) and is seen here in their newest ad campaign. Is it just me or is there something so unsexual about this guy? Don’t get me wrong- his body is a major double rainbow, but it’s more something I would hang on the wall than hang from my bedpost. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that he’s been in this and this and wears shorts like these. Also, let’s just take a look at the bottom picture for a sec, k? Homeboy is clearly not packing much more than a starter pistol in his waistband holster. I've seen conas that are more convincing as a caralho than this nonsense.

International soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, forward for Spanish club Real Madrid and captain of the Portuguese national team is marrying Russian model, Irina Shayk. Possibly because he's a flaming queer. Terra.com reports:

Soccer super star Ronaldo's public life just keeps getting better. Someone posted a comment posing as his Russian girlfriend Irina Shayk announcing through her Facebook account that the two were engaged to be married 'before Christmas.' There have always been rumors about Cristiano's sexuality. The guy has become a symbol for ultra-metro sexuality that has left David Beckham looking like a barbarian. To add more fuel to the speculations, Ronaldo recently announced that he had become a father, but ala Ricky Martin (through a surrogate mother), according to reports. If that wasn't enough, the soccer stud was recently spotted hanging out with Lance Bass at a club in NYC. Cristiano also spoke out recently in favor of same-sex marriage.

Although he had the greatest pick up line in history ("Me, you, fuck fuck"), dude seems like a wispy little fairy most of the time. I don't know if that because he's gay or is from across the Atlantic. Dudes over there carry purses and still dance with glowsticks so there's really no telling. Take Boston for instance, sprinkled in with the pasty, bitter white dudes, you have guys who look like they saw Hostel being filmed in their front yard. They make just enough from washing dishes and moving furniture to hit the club with fresh ether and combed chest hair. My friend told about this Bulgarian dude who was into threesomes with her, but had Marilyn Monroe towels and silk tiger-striped sheets. So either Scarface is the only the only movie that will show on a projector powered by a goat walking in a circle, or dudes overseas like cock and vagina. "What? Ewwww, " my penis just said.

Soccer is mind-numblingly boring, but apparently women like dudes who can't use their hands in games that end in 0-0 ties. So here's soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo being unveiled as the new face of Giorgio Armani. I have no idea how they Photoshoped his face on my body, but whatever. It's my blessing and my curse.

Soccer team Real Madrid is paying Manchester United $131 million dollars for Cristiano Ronaldo. From Fox Sports:

Manchester United accepted [Real Madrid's] staggering £80 million bid today, and now Cristiano Ronaldo will finally get to play for his childhood heroes.

So here he is in some tiny shorts. I think he looks kinda gay. But the word around the web is that he has sex with the womens, which brings us to the second half of the story.

He is probably humping the whorulous Paris Hilton. From TMZ:

They both went to MyHouse last night and left at around 3 AM for a Ron-dezvous at Nicky Hilton's pad, according to X17. Cristiano left at around 5 AM.

You're not going to be worth $131 mil when you have GargantuAIDS, Señor Ronaldo. You might want to steer clear of that vag. There are brain-eating worm larvae in there. And they see the light of day often enough that they are not blind like most cave critters. They enter through the ears and nom nom nom until there is nothing left. The space in your skull will be as cavernous as Paris' twat.

Manchester United winger and soccer god Cristiano Ronaldo completely destroyed his $400,000 Ferrari after he hit a wall in a two-lane tunnel underneath the Manchester Airport earlier this morning. Witnesses said the car was a "mangled wreck" and one of the wheels was found 200 yards away from the vehicle. Oh, and by the way, Ronaldo walked away without a scratch. The Sun reports:

Ronaldo was travelling through a two-lane tunnel at Manchester Airport when he hit the wall – sending parts of the barrier flying across the dual carriageway. Ronaldo was able to get out of the vehicle himself and was spoken to by police at the scene after the smash at 10.20am. A witness said: "The front of Ronaldo's car was completely mangled. There was metal all over the road and debris - and we had to dodge our way through it. "Ronaldo was just standing at the side of the road looking forlorn and bewildered. "My daughter said to me, 'Oh my God - that's Cristiano Ronaldo!' It's amazing he was okay because his car looked so bad." A club spokesman said: "Cristiano was involved in an incident this morning. No other cars were involved. "He's fine and is training as normal with the team this morning."

Man, this so reminds me of the time I wrecked my car last week. Although I'm not quite sure why all those girls outside the mall were laughing at me. Um, hello? 1988 Nissan Sentra here. Can you say classic? That's right. Who's laughing now, ladies?

Ronaldo and one of his hos back in June:

I wasn't born with balls, but I'm an expert at handling them according to the varsity letters I've been awarded and the smiles I've put on faces. As such, I'm qualified to say Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend is doing it all wrong. If you don't believe me, look at Ronaldo's grumpy-face.