January Jones dated Ashton Kutcher when she first moved to Los Angeles, now Ashton Kutcher is married to this. I don't know the science behind it, but Demi Moore is 48 and has three kids, so her vagina is probably haunted and her OB/GYN sometimes has to use anti-freeze. And a feather duster or compressed air. Or whatever means she's old. Also, I understand why someone would want to have unprotected sex with January Jones. All this just makes sense basically is what I'm saying. HollywoodLife reports:

Internet websites and message boards are blowing up with wild speculation that Ashton got an ex-girlfriend who’s now a TV superstar PREGNANT and THAT’s what’s really breaking up his marriage to Demi Moore! Do you believe it? Ashton Kutcher‘s marriage to Demi Moore is reportedly under major stress after 21 year-old blonde Sara Leal has claimed that she spent a steamy night in bed with the Two and a Half Men star. But now we are reading and hearing widespread whispers and allegations that are linking him to a FAR more shocking affair! Commenters on BlindGossip.com are speculating that the following item, posted on Oct. 17, is about Ashton, 33, Demi, 48, and Ashton’s sexy ex-girlfriend January Jones: “This married actor had a one-night stand with one of his exes, who is an actress in an acclaimed television show. She wound up pregnant. The actor’s wife found out about the baby, and, to no one’s surprise, went completely ballistic. Both the actor and his wife tried every tactic (money, lawyers, threats to ruin her career) to convince the ex to terminate the pregnancy. Despite enormous pressure from all sides, the ex decided to keep the baby. The actor’s marriage is now on the rocks. We’re not sure how long everyone can remain tight-lipped about this one. It will be difficult to keep such a bombshell out of divorce proceedings, which will likely occur before the New Year.”

This is all rumor and speculation of course, so it's really up to you if you believe it or not. Just like the time somebody posted on Facebook that I screamed and hid behind my car when I saw a possum in my driveway. Please. Since when is a car a truck?

Demi Moore was at the premiere of Margin Call last night where many people remarked that she was still wearing her wedding ring and that she should have extended that mortgage loan to the gypsy woman at the bank.

After Ashton cheated on their anniversary (and got photographed doing it), Demi Moore is finally seeing a lawyer. Radar says:

Demi Moore has decided to end her marriage to Ashton Kutcher and consulted a divorce attorney Friday, Britain's Mail on Sunday is reporting. "Miss Moore has been totally humiliated. On Friday, therefore, she consulted a lawyer about getting a divorce," an insider told the newspaper. Star magazine broke the story of Two and a Half Men star Ashton and Demi's six-year marriage being over after allegations were made that he'd cheated on her with Sara Leal, a 23-year-old party girl he met in San Diego. As RadarOnline.com has been reporting, Kutcher and Moore have a fortune estimated at $290 million that stands to be split in a divorce.

Demi Moore should probably be humiliated more for her lack of relevance than for anything else. She's spent the past six years being famous for banging Kelso, tweeting about banging Kelso, having one bit part in one hit movie, and for having a daughter that looks like a supporting character in Toy Story. Demi is learning now what most women realize a lot sooner: Men are like wine and cheese and get better with age. Women, appropriately enough, are like milk and eggs. We expire.

Tired of the same old cranes your construction business uses to lift things? Need something stronger and more easy to use? Try Ashton Kutcher's Pimp Hand! If you call within the next fifteen minutes, we'll throw in a blonde whore absolutely free! Us Magazine reports:

How did Ashton Kutcher ring in his sixth wedding anniversary with Demi Moore on Sept. 24? With a raucous, Demi-free party at the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel -- which, a source tells the new Us Weekly, culminated in a sexual encounter in a hot tub with local blonde Sara Leal (pictured here) and her pal in his $2,500-a-night hotel suite. (Moore, 48, was elsewhere in the U.S. promoting her directorial work for the Lifetime short film project 5.) Prior to that early morning hot tub session, Kutcher began his night drinking vodka tonics and prowling for women with pals Danny and Chris Masterson at Fluxx nightclub -- where the pickings weren't to his liking. "He said none of the girls were 'hot-tub worthy,'" a Fluxx onlooker tells the new issue. But Kutcher liked what he saw when he met party girl Leal and her friend past 4 a.m. in his 1,200-square-foot suite back at the Hard Rock. "Ashton told them he was separated from Demi," one source says. After some "hard-core" flirting, the Two and a Half Men star was "totally into it," another source says. "Within five minutes, they were all naked in the hot tub, making out!"

So, let's see...two hot, naked blonde chicks in a hot tub or a 48-year old mother of 3 with corrective eye surgery and more body repairs than the Millenium Falcon? "I'm not sure I understand the question," my penis just said.

It's about time. Page Six reports:

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, who have remained silent on a marriage split and reports of him cheating with blonde Sara Leal, both spent yesterday morning at the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles. According to X17, the two arrived and left separately. Ashton “looked worried” while Demi left out of a side door to avoid being seen. Reports said the couple had been undergoing Kabbalah counseling in recent months. Their reps again stayed silent last night.

Demi Moore's life revolves around plastic surgery, cryptic Twitter messages, and trying to act 20 years younger than she actually is, so she probably could have used counseling a long time ago. Taylor Swift handles breakups more maturely than Demi Moore does. But to be fair, Taylor Swift is probably older than most of Demi Moore's body parts, so I'm willing to cut her a little slack.

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are awesome parents with brilliant kids. Per TMZ:

Tallulah Belle Willis, the 17-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, had a brush with the law last night over alcohol ... law enforcement sources tell TMZ.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... cops spotted three girls getting out of a car in Hollywood at around 11:00 PM, carrying what appeared to be two bottles of alcohol. The officers probed further and determined it was indeed the hard stuff. Here's the problem ... all three girls are underage.

Tallulah Belle and her cohorts were cited at the scene for underage possession -- but since Tallulah Belle -- who has appeared in "The Scarlet Letter" and "The Whole Ten Yards -- is a minor, cops couldn't just release her .... they needed to find an adult to pick her up .

So Tallulah Belle called Bruce ... but a dutiful Demi did the hard labor, getting in a car and retrieving T.B.

I don't know how much of this story I can buy. Her dad is John fucking McClane. You mean with all the cash at this chick's disposal, she couldn't afford a bigger purse?

The actual heroes CNN saluted were all pretty unattractive, but the guests were decent.

In Jessica Alba's case, extremely bangin'. I hear she's a hero to screenwriters everywhere.



Annalynne McCord looks like the Crypt Keeper, but she's a PR hero for convincing the brass on 90210 that she's the hot breakout star.



Demi Moore is a hero for cougars and plastic surgeons:



Emmy Rossum is a hero for girls who want to stay relevant by dating and dumping trolls.



John Legend and his lady, Christy Teigen, are heroes because she tweets us and he reads us.



I don't know who Shay Mitchell is, so I'll say she's a hero because she's Mulan:



And as for the banner picture, Gerard Butler is a hero for Sparta. And for my vagina.

I realize it's hard to imagine that a chick who would fuck a married man would be a drunk, gold digging slut who makes sex tapes, but the world is a strange place, my friends. RadarOnline reports:

Brittney Jones shot the steamy video with an ex-boyfriend who revealed to RadarOnline.com that the two engaged in various sex acts, all while he recorded it on his cell phone. "She was definitely into it," Jones' ex -- and the film's co-star -- admitted to RadarOnline.com. "We were together at the time so we made short little clips of us having sex in various positions."...The former lovebirds dated on-and-off for a year before splitting about six months ago when Brittney "cheated on me", he said. "She definitely is a hard partier and always drank a lot," said one source, who knows her. According to the confidante, Jones has been "couch surfing" from house to house, living and seemingly leaching off the various men in her life. "She seems to have had a falling out with her mom and sister and just lives off of her boyfriends," the source said. While Kutcher has denied he cheated on Moore, his wife of five years, those close to Jones believe the explosive revelations are true. Said one friend: "She once told me he [Kutcher] was by far the number one celebrity she'd like to have sex with."

You really have to feel bad for Ashton at this point. You think you make a connection with someone after they discreetly slip you their number in a bowling alley so your wife won't see then you find out she's a whore. When asked for comment, Demi Moore took a tennis ball off her walker and threw it at Ashton's head.