It's pretty safe to say that Lindsay Lohan has never really had a mother. I mean, not in the MacDuff sense, but mostly because Dina Lohan would rather party than provide any maternal guidance and she would rather be an enabler and make a million excuses than be someone who would force Lindsay to be responsible for her actions. But seriously, are you fucking kidding me right now, bitch?
OK! Magazine reports:

If there’s one person that’s solidly in Lindsay Lohan’s corner these days, it’s her momager, Dina Lohan, who praises her daughter as a “genius” who just wants to be successful in her career and live happily with a family. Lindsay’s most recent foray into the entertainment business is the production company she just started, a venture Dina is all about. “She’s a genius. Such a good heart,” Dina told OK! at the Charlotte Russe 2009 Fall Launch in NYC, adding that Lindsay will also be heading behind the camera. “Lindsay will direct one day. She loves directing,” Dina revealed to OK!.

At only 23, Lindsay is already a washed up whore who pissed all her opportunities away with speedballs and semen, so I can imagine you'd have to flip a thousand pages to find "genius" on a list of words that describe Lindsay Lohan. This slut couldn't direct traffic, yet her mom thinks she'll be directing movies in a town where she couldn't even get a role playing herself in a home movie. I'm sure directing cocks in your ass can get pretty technical, but I have a feeling a studio might not be as impressed with the footage as you might think.

Lindsay Lohan with a watergun. Um, okay, sure:

Apparently just having left reality in her DeLoreon, Dina Lohan told ET that is was her idea for Lindsay Lohan to do the Funny or Die video. Anybody want to take a guess on the reasons why? ET reports:

"The hype is ridiculous so we decided to kind of make fun of it," Dina tells ET about the Funny or Die video starring Lindsay. "I said 'Lindsay let's just do funnyordie.com and just kind of make fun of it all.' It's really gotten out of hand, the rumors and everything that they're saying about myself and my children."

Well, so much for that. I was on board with Lindsay because I thought she could laugh at herself, but this dumb bitch really believes she's making fun of all the "rumors". Not to be Mr. Smartypants here, but you can't really call something a rumor if, you know, it actually happened. For instance, like I could never say I didn't get Halle Berry pregnant or I didn't go back in time once and kick Bruce Lee's ass. These are all well documented facts, man. If I did that, my words would be hollow and filled with nothing. Then would I be this bastion of hard-hitting investigative journalism that you see today? No, my friends. The answer is no.

Lindsay Lohan has been dropping weight like an amputee lately, and for some reason, people think it's not due to proper diet and exercise. Gee, I wonder what it could be? People reports:

Lindsay Lohan's svelte figure is not the result of healthy eating and exercise, but instead due to her downing Red Bull, smoking cigarettes and eating candy, comes a new report claiming the actress, 22, is on a liquid diet that consists of drinking at least three Red Bull energy drinks a day. But Lohan's rep is slamming such rumors, telling PEOPLE exclusively: "Lindsay has always enjoyed a Red Bull, but she eats. Everybody needs to mind their own business and stop worrying about what Lindsay eats or doesn't eat."

Of course Lindsay will get through this, because her mom, Dina Lohan, isn't enabling at all. She's a tough but fair matriarch who always puts discipline and wisdom at the forefront of her child's lives. Oh, wait.

When a 46-year-old mom wants to take her daughters out for a special night, a Hollywood nightclub might seem a curious choice. Not so for Dina Lohan, who took Lindsay, 22, and Ali, 15, to Villa on March 25,.."Do you know who I am?" Dina protested when they were turned away at the door because of Ali’s age. "You're making a huge mistake. Huge!" Lindsay added.

Lindsay and Ali have a 12 year old brother, Cody, so we don't have that much time. Somebody needs to hurry up and parachute him into a island prison colony or throw him in a bear cave, because anything would be better than being raised by this insane bitch.

Lindsay Lohan and her pocket dyke went to dinner at Bar Pitti a couple nights ago with their moms (Dina Lohan and Ann Dexter-Jones), and uh, dear God. Seriously, this is supposed to be the New York elite? This is what they mean by socialites? Really? Because I'm pretty sure I've killed Samantha Ronson's mom in a video game before.


Photos: Splash

The Mingling Mothers, a networking group for Long Island mothers, gave Dina Lohan a "Top Mom" award this week. Take a moment to let that sink in. Dina Lohan got an award for being a good mother. Dina Lohan. Award. In a shocking twist, her ex-husband, Michael Lohan, thinks this might be the dumbest thing he's ever heard. He tells Page Six:

Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court. "She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling 'Oh, [bleep],' when she saw the paparazzi..."

Lindsay Lohan is broke and washed up at 21, and her 14 year old sister, Ali, looks like a 45 year old bartender, so who better to win this award than Dina Lohan? Stay tuned next week when Myanmar wins the "Top Vacation Spot" award and Roger Clemens is expected to walk away with "Top Husband" honors. Congratulations!

Lindsay and her boyfriend a couple nights ago:

If you're as giddy as we are that Tracey Ullman is back on television, then you'll probably like this clip where she absolutely owns Dina Lohan. That is of course, unless you like Dina Lohan. Huh, is that it? You like Dina Lohan? Frankly, I don't think I know you anymore.

Lindsay Lohan buying two packs of cigarettes and a Red Bull this weekend:

In a statement to People, Dina Lohan says that she approves of Lindsay's nude pictorial in this month's issue of New York magazine. Of course she did:

It was very tastefully done," Dina tells PEOPLE of the photos, a recreation of Marilyn Monroe's legendary 1962 photo shoot shot by Bert Stern. "I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically. For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say can you recreate these photos is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother." ...Lindsay, 21, also viewed the shoot as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Dina tells PEOPLE. "Lindsay was very excited when she first got the phone call," says Dina, 45. "Of course we talked about how they would be done. Lindsay said, 'Mommy, I'm never going to get this opportunity to do it again.' She was very thankful she was asked."

Uh, wow. Besides the fact that Playboy photographers would've made this freckled mess look about a billion times better than grandpa did, Dina Lohan really needs to ask her Garmin for directions back to reality. Look bitch, your daughter got naked for some pictures, let's not turn it into some pretentious discussion about art. Just be glad she's finally getting paid to show us her tits. Lindsay Lohan is like a porn star who talks about how she got into porn to fight the oppression of women right before she gets double penetrated by two black guys in executioner masks. At the judge's convenience, I'm prepared to present the con argument whenever they are ready.

Some hi-res scans have hit online, so enjoy. Or don't. I can't live your life.

Click thumbnails for larger images:

Dina Lohan is being sued for fraud by a Las Vegas businessman who claims he lent Dina money to start Lindsay's music career. Antonio Almeida is suing for $400,000. Page Six reports:

...the dough was used to record songs with Gloria Estefan's husband, Emilio Estefan, who formed Miami Sound Machine. But Lindsay bolted in the middle of the sessions when she got a deal with Casablanca Records, which released her album, "A Little More Personal (Raw)." "My clients were out their money," Hamrick said. Dina's lawyer, David Chesnoff told The Post's Marianne Garvey: "You mean the funds he claimed he lent her?"

Wow, I'm surprised this didn't work. Because, really, everybody knows that investing in anything that Lindsay is involved in will be a guaranteed success. Just like dog fighting or my idea for a dance club/laser tag arena. That shit's gonna be hot.

Skank: