If you smell something burning outside Betty Ford, don't call the fire department right away, because Dina Lohan just it and herself on fire, because the people inside are telling lies about her in there. LIES I say!

"Dina needs to no longer act as her manager, or work for her daughter in any capacity," a source close to the Hollywood wild child told RadarOnline.com. Lindsay needs Dina to simply be her mother. "Lindsay's treatment team at Betty Ford has emphasized this to Lindsay, very, very strongly. "Lindsay feels the financial burden of taking care of her entire family. "It's enormous pressure for any person in their twenties, let alone someone that is battling with addiction." The source added, "Lindsay and Dina don't have a normal mother-and-daughter dynamic because of the length of time that Dina has worked for Lindsay."..."Lindsay wants to get back to work, with the view, the sooner the better," said the source. "However, her treatment team is asking that she commit to at least another 45 days of treatment. "Lindsay has done several 30 day rehab stints and almost every time, she has relapsed. "We really believe that the longer she stays at Betty Ford, the better for her odds of success."

It's about time somebody had the balls to tell Lindsay this. Of course, she already knows this, but she also knows that a real manager wouldn't put up with her childish bullshit because he would have other clients to bleed dry. Dina doesn't. She's already pimping out Ali, and it's only a matter of time before Lindsay's little brother is jacking off for rich dudes in Dina's limo while she swipes their credit cards. The only way Lindsay should be let out of rehab is if she's chained to an engine block or Seth Brundle makes something to transport her to jail.

In 2003, L.A. law enforcement assigned a special investigator to follow Lindsay Lohan because she had a stalker. But as he followed Lindsay every night, he found that there was a bigger threat than a guy jacking off in Lindsay's trashcan. Want to take a guess what that was? TMZ reports:

But our sources say the investigator became alarmed when he saw Lindsay clubbing all over town, which made the investigator fear she was drinking and driving. Law enforcement then contacted Dina to give her the heads-up. Dina wasn't answering her phone, so voicemail messages were left warning her of Lindsay's Hollywood antics. Dina never called back ... not even once.

So to reiterate, Lindsay was 17, getting drunk all over town, and police left messages like a jealous ex-girlfriend on Dina Lohan's phone that she never answered. But you really didn't think Dina Lohan was going to take any responsibility whatsoever did you? Of course you didn't.

A source close to Dina tells TMZ, “If law enforcement was so worried about Lindsay’s safety, why didn’t they send someone to Dina’s home to inform her?”

At this point, it's actually kind of impressive that Lindsay hasn't posted her outcall rates on Twitter or been found in a ditch with her panties shoved up her ass yet. Jesus. She would have been better off being raised by a picture of Dina Lohan than the actual Dina Lohan.

Sorry Batman and the guy who makes my iced coffee with magic at Starbucks, I have a new hero.

Someone clearly hates Dina Lohan, unborn chickens, mailboxes, or a combination thereof ... because TMZ has learned Dina's Long Island home has been Grade A vandalized. The Nassau County Police Department tells TMZ ... the home was pelted with eggs and dirt bombs August 31 ... and her mailbox was ripped out of the ground September 6. It's unclear if the incidents are related. Lindsay Lohan's mom tells us she has no clue who would do such a thing.

Man, who would do such a thing? It's obvious that Dina Lohan is a loving, caring mother who isn't a constant enabler and let's the moral lessons she inculcated in her daughter speak for themselves. Although, another theory is that she's a cunt and everybody hates her.

Pic source: TMZ. Obviously.

Dina Lohan, the enabling cunt who should have her uterus ripped out, sat down for an interview with Today's Matt Lauer, and proceeded to blame everyone and anyone for Lindsay's problems. I bet you didn't see that coming.

An argumentative Dina Lohan – placing the blame on the judge no longer on the case and staunchly defending the behavior of her daughter Lindsay Lohan – appeared on Friday's Today show, declaring there was nothing wrong with her child. "I'm not condoning drinking and driving, but she's still paying the price for what she did in 2007," said an often-agitated Dina, 47, referring to Lindsay's two DUI cases from three years ago. As for Lindsay, 24, today, "She's changed," says her mother. "She's grown up considerably." Repeatedly accusing Judge Marsha Revel of "going overboard" and "playing hardball" by ordering Lindsay to jail for 90 days (she served 13) and into rehab, Dina said that information will be coming out next week showing that the jurist had to remove herself from the case before she was about to be fired. Defending Lindsay, who was at the Cannes Film Festival when she was expected in court in Los Angeles for a progress review, Dina said, "She was in [jail] for just missing a couple of classes and was working at the time." In addition, Dina noted, by Lindsay's being behind bars, "She missed driving classes." The actress also came into personal contact with murderers, said her mother, adding, "She made friends with them." Pressed about her daughter's problems, Dina said, "That's all propaganda," and called tabloid coverage of Lindsay "pre-orchestrated. You're reading things that are not based on fact." Unlike Julia Roberts and other stars, said Dina, Lindsay's behavior is unfairly scrutinized. "Her life is magnified. Her life is under a microscope … Lindsay doesn't realize a lot of people are watching her." Asked if she's been there for her daughter – after a visibly frustrated Lauer first suggested that Dina, ex-husband Michael Lohan and Lindsay's friends "have done nothing to help Lindsay" – Dina said that part of a parent's responsibility is to grant a child her freedom.

I would never condone violence against women in any way (unless you paid up front), but I could accidentally run over Dina Lohan with my truck and I would jump out and high-five people to make it seem I did it on purpose.

In an exclusive interview with ET, Dina Lohan sat down and showed the world why Lindsay is a thankless, self-centered, narcissistic, drug-addict who, with her cocaine-fueled paranoid mind and asteroid-sized sense of entitlement, blames everyone but herself for slapping away every hand that has ever been extended to her. Enjoy!

Because private LA jail cells are like Turkish prisons: "You know, she's strong, but until someone faces something as devastating as that...we're going to have to see. God willing it won't happen." It's happening, bitch. Deal.

Because sentences handed down by judges are like clothes you can exchange: "She's a fighter, and until the final result -- we're not giving up. I think it's time we get another attorney just to see it from another light and do damage control." Give up.

Because Lindsay is Rosa Parks: "If she [Judge Revel] wants a trial, then make it a fair trial. I feel like Shawn [Chapman Holley], Lindsay's [former] attorney should have stood up and said, 'Listen, I didn't know you were going to have witnesses.' We would have had ten witnesses. We didn't get a shot. We didn't get a shot at fairness. This is not an OJ Simpson trial, which they made it out to be." You're right, OJ got away with it.

Because Lindsay is a helpless victim of a fascist society: "It's very difficult, we're not sleeping well, we're not functioning. We cry a lot and we hug a lot. She's petrified, we all are. We're angry. We're disappointed in the system." Go see your dentist, he might be able to help.

Because complete and utter denial isn't finished yet : "She did a really stupid thing. Thank God she didn't hurt anyone….I know my daughter is clean and sober today. I know that for a fact. I'm not a doctor…and I'm not an attorney. I'm a mother. And I'm sitting here, as a mother, just worried about my child." I guess Dilaudid, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone, Nexium, and cocaine are some sort of multi-vitamins.

I'm not even halfway joking when I say that it is my sincere wish that Dina Lohan be dropped from a plane onto a island prison colony filled with cannibal zombies. No walls. No guards. No escape.

When you're coked out of your damn mind every waking moment with your enabling mother holding your hand, you tend to think people will need Hoggle to get through the labryinth of your brilliant schemes. But just so you're clear, no, no we don't.

"I'm exhausted. I've been up for the last 24 hours with Lindsay and her attorneys dealing with this, Dina Lohan told RadarOnline.com. "It is true that her passport was stolen. "This was not a planned scheme. We are actively dealing with the French Embassy as we speak but unfortunately they close at a certain hour so we're trying to get someone in a higher echelon to help us."

Man, maybe they should tell the French Embassy about this.

Lindsay Lohan has not requested a new passport and may be stuck in France for a little while longer, RadarOnline.com has exclusively confirmed. Maryse Nebatti, the Duty Officer in Marseille for the U.S. Embassy in France, told RadarOnline.com that Lindsay reported the passport stolen but "has not requested a new passport."

Jesus. Is this even funny anymore? I swear to God, if Lindsay isn't greeted at LAX by the judge riding a puma that breathes fire I might have to say something really mean about her. Then, you know, go about the rest of my day.

Lindsay Lohan lives in a world of delusion and fantasy where she's a big movie star who is just misunderstood by the cruel, lying media. Dina Lohan is a enabling fame whore who would sell her daughter's ass to an oil sheik if OK! Magazine promised to bump Angelina Jolie from the cover. Man, guess what they say in an interview when asked if Lindsay is a drunk, drug-addicted mess. I bet you'll never guess! E.T reports:

Asked if she has any problems with drugs, alcohol or prescription medication, Lindsay replies, "No, I don't. I work. And if I go out with my friends, I'm 23 and I'm allowed to do that. I don't go out when I'm working." Addressing recent tabloid photos of her falling in the street, Lindsay says, "I'm the most clumsy person in the world. I do trip a lot. I fall. I walk into walls sometimes." "When did I stop being okay?" asks the star. "I am fine. I am happy and I am working. And I'm good. And I'm surrounded by great friends now. You know, I have weeded out a lot of people in my life." "But everyone does that," chimes in Dina. "That is like normal growth; she's 23." "We have a good relationship," says Lindsay about her mom. "We fight like friends do. She is a very strong woman. I've learned a lot. Not every mother has to read false stories about their daughter. It's nice to know she has sat by me through all of that. She knows what is really happening in my life." "We are just very misunderstood," adds Dina. "And, when I read it, it breaks my heart because it is not true. I am going to cry. I'm really going to cry. … She has the biggest heart of anyone on the planet." Of the bad press, Lindsay adds, "I don't pay attention to it. … The only problem is that it distracts from me getting jobs, and that is when it hurts me. Especially when it is not true. … Everyone goes through ups and downs. I am not one to hide anything. I am an honest person. I take it for what it is. I am me."

Yep, that's it. The media is planting false stories. Complete with pictures and sworn testimony. Chateau Marmont must be some kind of library or dog shelter, because it's obvious Lindsay spends her spare time reading to blind kids and giving handicapped dogs baths. You know, except with way more semen and drink specials.

Lindsay Lohan skipped out on her first two depositions for the time in 2007 that she carjacked a Denali and chased her assistant down PCH, so Dina Lohan flew in from NYC yesterday to make sure Lindsay was present today. Oh wait, I mean she made sure she partied with Lindsay at the Chateau Marmont until 2:30am. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan is clearly in a better place now that her mom is in town -- actually, it's the same ol' place ... the Chateau Marmont where mother/daughter partied until 2 AM today. If Lindsay made a beeline for home, she might get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before her deposition this morning ... if she doesn't appear this morning it will be her 3rd no-show and she'll probably lose the case. Lindsay is being sued by passengers in a car who claim they were held hostage by LiLo during a crazy, drunken ride down Pacific Coast Highway in 2007.

Her appointment was a 10am PT, and guess what? She didn't show up. But TMZ reports that "she's on the way", whatever the hell that means. Somebody should tell Lindsay that depositions have open bars and speedball sampler platters, because that's the only you're gonna get this fuck up inside that room. You'd have an easier time teaching a T-Rex to sync an iPhone than you would teaching Lindsay how to take responsibility for her actions.