It's hard to imagine that your wife would beat you like a P.O.W. with one of your own clubs and want a divorce after you had sex with 20+ whores throughout your marriage then watching you going back to work like nothing ever happened, but Tiger Woods now must deal with this injustice and humiliation my friends. FOX Sports reports:

Just days after Woods completed his triumphant return to golf following his cheating scandal, U.S. news show Entertainment Tonight reports Nordegren, who failed to show at his Masters comeback, is close to filing for divorce. Correspondent Kevin Frazier, who has links to Woods, said: "For weeks now there have been rumors that Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren might reconcile and save their marriage. "It was believed by going to sex rehab that Tiger had done just enough to keep his family together. But sources have told me that the marriage is indeed over. "Evidence? Well, the fact that Elin was on a plane, in the air, headed to Arizona during the final round of the Masters. "Usually, with her husband in contention at his biggest tournament, she would be there waiting for him in case he won; instead she made a plan so that she would be in the air while Tiger was playing. "The couple hasn't spoken for quite some time and it is believed that all they have to do is work out a few more details on their divorce and they can sign the divorce decree and both can move on with their lives."

By all accounts, Elin was a loving and supportive wife, but Tiger couldn't get over himself and his superficial insecurities to treasure that love. She always seemed to have Tiger's back with whatever he was going through and was cheering the loudest for every one of his accomplishments. And that's what pretty much every guy wants. And if she's a Swedish model as well then that would be fantastic. And if she could have D's that would be good, too. Oh, and if her vagina was lined with silk and honey, I'd appreciate it. And, not to be too needy, but if she help me avoid finance charges by offering some suggestions on debt consolidation, that would be cool. Learning how to make cheese grits should be on the list, too. Yeah, definitely. Cheese grits.

NOTE: Take a look at Elin in the banner pics, then look at Tiger's parade of whores HERE. Then look at the banner pics again. Then look at the whore again. Elin. Whores. Tiger couldn't find skanks that looked worse than his wife if he was volunteering at a soup kitchen.

UPDATE: Yeah, so, this may or may not be a hoax. Damn you, Internet! First the Nigerians didn't deposit that money into my account like they promised now this!! (A special thanks to Kristin for the heads up. I mean it's not like I was going to research this. What am I a reporter?)

Furman Bisher, a renowned and respected sports journalist who is called the "dean" of Masters journalists by The Golf Channel, knows why Tiger Woods hasn't been seen for five weeks and repeatedly dodged requests to be interviewed by police. Um, that would be because he was having FACIAL RECONSTRUCTION SURGERY! Daily Mail reports:

According to Bisher, Woods's wife Elin struck her husband in the face with a nine iron after she confronted him over text messages from mistress Rachel Uchitel. He said: 'At one point Tiger turned away to look at the TV, and as he turned back, Elin hit him on the right side of the face with the head of a 9 – iron. 'When she struck Tiger, she put a huge gash in the right side of his face next to his nose (causing his nose to bruise some), and virtually knocking two of his upper teeth out, and breaking the bone on the upper right side. 'Tiger ran scared as hell out of the house (which is why he had on no shoes) with Elin swinging the golf club throughout the hallway to the garage (i.e. causing the severe damage which has been reported). 'Tiger hoped in the Escalade and tried to leave; and as we know Elin knocked out the windows in the Escalade. When Tiger crashed, Elin panicked and was not sure what to tell the police (which is why there are two conflicting stories from her).' Bisher said after Woods checked out of hospital he was flown by private jet to Phoenix, Arizona, where he met with a plastic surgeon and cosmetic dentist. The sportswriter said Woods's absence from Florida was the reason he failed to meet with Florida Highway Patrol (FHP) officers on three occasions to discuss the crash. Bisher writes: 'If you remember FHP kept showing up at Isleworth to talk to Tiger, and was told by another FL attorney (who Tiger hired for PR reasons) Tiger was not ready to talk. 'Well now we know why, he was in Phoenix, and did not arrive back in Orlando until either late last Wednesday night or early Thursday morning. 'The surgeries were more intense than what they had originally planned, which meant Tiger was in PHX longer than he should have been.'

Holy shit! Elin Woods is like some Lifetime Movie where the woman gets exposed to Kryptonite and gains the power of kicking your damn ass. "John Connor gave me a picture of you once. I didn't know why at the time. It was very old - torn, faded. You were young like you are now," a man with Tiger Woods was quoted as saying.

Brushing over the fact that she chased him down the street and beat him like a pinata with a golf club, Elin Nordegren is convinced Tiger Woods' vagina tour makes him an unfit father. She now wants full custody of their two children and $300 million. National Enquirer reports:

Tiger Woods wife, Elin Nordegren, reputedly wants full custody of their children convinced the potent putter's escapades have made him unfit as a father..."She wants 100 percent divorce, 100 percent custody of the children, and half of everything. And she won't be changing her mind," an Elin insider told UK tab News of the World. Elin has hired celeb pit ball divorce lawyer Sorell Trope to fun for at lwast half of Tiger's estimated $60 million fortune - although that shrinks each day as more sponsors drop the King of Swing from their rosters.

Sources say that Elin is doing this solely for her children, Sam, 2, and Charlie, 1, and that they are her top priority. "Oh, and money, " Elin Nordegren was overheard saying, "Don't forget money."

When your husband and father of your two children needs an exploding collar around his penis to keep him from trying to bang every woman he sees and is rumored to be still in constant contact with Rachel Uchitel, taking half of his billion dollar fortune just seems like the right thing to do. Oh, and beheading. Don't forget beheading. Radar Online reports:

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, who has already been spotted in public sans wedding ring, has begun seeking legal representation to represent her in a forthcoming divorce, according to various Web reports Wednesday. The 29-year-old mother-of-two reportedly has meetings slated for next week with top legal professionals to blueprint a split that could cost the golfer as much as half of his billion dollar fortune. One name that had been mentioned, though remains unconfirmed, is lawyer Sorrell Trope, who has handled proceedings for stars including Nicole Kidman, Nicolas Cage and Britney Spears.

I'm not really sure how Tiger thought this was gonna turn out, but I bet he never thought it would end with his wife laying naked on bricks of gold on her yacht while shirtless Latin men lick her toes and explore her anus like Sir Walter Raleigh.

Elin Nordegren in Florida on December 15th:

Tiger Woods' wife took her kids to a Christmas party in Florida on Saturday, and for the first time in five years, she was photographed without her wedding band and diamond engagement ring. I have no idea what this means, but I'm sure when the PODS she orders arrive at the bank, I'm sure Tiger will let us know.

Photo credit: Splash

If you happened to need further proof that Tiger Woods got beat down by his wife, The Florida Department of Children and Families and Orange County Sheriff's Department deputies paid a visit to Tiger's Florida home yesterday. Radar Online reports:

The Florida Department of Children and Families, escorted by deputies from the Orange County Sheriff's Department, visited Tiger Woods' home near Windermere on Saturday, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively. Capt. Angelo Nieves of the Orange County Sheriff's Department confirmed to RadarOnline.com: "Our deputies met with members of the Department of Children and Families. But all details are being kept secret." Nieves would neither confirm nor deny that the deputies and DCF officials went to Woods' house. But a source close to the situation told RadarOnline.com that the visit was in fact to Woods' home and that it occurred around mid day. The source also tells RadarOnline.com that the deputy's car was a marked car, while the Florida Department of Children and Families' car was unmarked. It's a shocking twist in a scandal that seemingly has no boundaries. The visit stems from the events leading up to Tiger's bizarre one-car crash right after Thanksgiving. Reports from that incident indicated there was a heated altercation between Tiger and wife Elin over his cheating. Now, the presence of DCF at Tiger's house adds credence to those reports as it is protocol for DCF to investigate after an in-home suspected domestic violence incident. Typically investigators from DCF would want to evaluate the safety of a home for children after a domestic violence incident. Officials were at the home for roughly an hour, sources told RadarOnline.com exclusively. Woods two young children were at home during Thanksgiving when the golfer and Elin allegedly got into a heated argument. Elin and Tiger are parents to two-year-old daughter Sam and 10-month-old son Charlie.

Jesus Christ, man. Will this crap ever end? Tiger could be found with a dead, naked Vietnamese boy in his trunk or the government could find plutonium in his basement and that would be the best PR Tiger's had in a week.

Hey look, Kelly Brook! How did she get in here?!:

Seriously, Tiger. Kill yourself. Star Magazine reports:

What started as a steamy tryst between Tiger Woods and sexy NYC event planner Rachel Uchitel quickly turned into a full blown love affair — and only Star has the details of the email that will explode Tiger's marriage! Although the golf star cheated with many women during his five-year marriage to Elin Nordegren, none of his other conquests ever got to him the way Rachel did. “Tiger told her he had a deep connection with her,” says an insider. “He’s told Rachel, ‘You’ll be in my life till the day I die.’” While Tiger and Rachel exchanged many sexy text messages and intimate phone calls, it's an email that could bring an end to Tiger's marriage. Following a three-day rendezvous in Orange County, Calif.,While Tiger and Rachel exchanged many sexy text messages and intimate phone calls, it's an email that could bring an end to Tiger's marriage. Following a three-day rendezvous in Orange County, Calif., Tiger sent Rachel the message confessing that they shared an intimacy he'd never experienced with another woman — including his own wife! "I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this...not even at home," Tiger wrote in an email sent to Rachel, says her pal, in early November. The married father-of-two also acknowledged that it must be “brutal” for her to not be with him all the time, saying it “kills” him too. As Star reported Tuesday, Tiger's wife Elin, whom he married in 2004, eventually confronted Rachel about the affair — twice. During the first phone call, Rachel convinced Elin that a brief encounter at a night club where she worked was the extent of their relationship. But soon after, in the early hours of the morning following Thanksgiving — Elin called Rachel again, yelling: “I know everything."

It's safe to assume that Elin Nordegren can go ahead and pick out her vault at Gringotts to keep her piles of gold, because there's no way Tiger is gonna be able to talk his way out of this. Instead of banging all these whores, Tiger should have rented a plane and just threw bags of money into a volcano.

These pictures: Rachel Uchitel in a bikini. Banner picture: Elin Nordegren in a wet tank top. Tiger has been eliminated from the round of play:

An unidentified blonde woman was taken by stretcher from Tiger Woods' house in Windermere, Florida after firefighters and emergency personnel responded to a 911 call at 2:36am this morning. WESH 2 News in Orlando reports:

A radio log showed an adult woman was transported to Health Central Hospital in Ocoee. The log also showed the patient initally refused transport, but was later listed as an advanced life support patient. Video from the hospital showed a middle-age woman being removed from an ambulance on a stretcher and taken through an emergency entrance. Health Central is the same hospital where Woods was taken after his crash on Nov. 27. A black Cadillac Escalade was seen leaving the hospital shortly after the ambulance arrived there. The tag on the Escalade was similar to the one involved in Woods' crash.

TMZ is all over it:

UPDATE: 7:45 AM ET: Here's what we now confirm as the latest. A middle-aged, blond woman was taken to the hospital early this morning. We have now confirmed the call came from Tiger's address. The spokesperson for Orange County Fire initially said the 911 call came from Tiger's home but for some reason she later backed off that statement and said it might not be the same address. But, it is indeed Tiger's address. We also know a younger blond woman followed the ambulance to the hospital. And, as we reported, Elin's mom is in the U.S. to be with her daughter.

So all we know so far is that it may or may not be his wife, Elin Nordegren. And that Tiger may or may not have put anthrax and arsenic in her Crystal Light. Or he may or may not have, with the help of a voodoo priestess, tried to open the gateway to another dimension to dump this chick but unleashed hell instead! What demons has he awoken?!

UPDATE: It was Tiger Woods' mother-in-law. So maybe he didn't kill the pretty white lady. You people are so judgemental.