Gwyneth Paltrow was born into wealth and privilege and scored her first "big acting break" when she was cast as a young Wendy Darling in Steven Spielberg's Hook. She was chosen out of 1,000 actresses who auditi...no, wait. Her mommy and daddy are Spielberg's friends. Her life has consisted of people telling her how wonderful she is and she's never had to actually work a day in her life. I don't know, but maybe that could turn someone into an elitist cunt who thinks the world revolves around her. Hard to say, really. Us Magazine reports:

Gwyneth Paltrow is receiving mixed reviews from insiders in New York's Hamptons this summer. Though one witness at the Maidstone Club tells the new issue of Us Weekly that the Oscar winner, 38, is "sweet to staffers," another source says Paltrow is anything but. Case in point? After a friendly traveler gave Paltrow's housekeeper a lift from a bus stop to her home, the actress reprimanded the driver. "Gwyneth was mad that the maid showed strangers where she lived," the insider tells Us. "Gwyneth said, 'Please don't give my maid a ride again!'"

Later, Gwyneth branded the maid with a horseshoe and flogged the driver's family at dawn. The she castrated the maid's son and cut off her husband's head and carried around the courtyard on pike. Because its the Hamptons. People shouldn't know that rich white people live there.

Earlier this month, Gwyneth Paltrow did an interview with Elle to show she's a regular person just like me and you. Because don't you just hate it when your concierge in Paris sends you to a restaurant that doesn't have organic wine? Of course you do. We've all been there. But in her recent interview with Elle Decor, where they asked her to give a list of "things she couldn't live without", Paltrow just said fuck it and spewed the most elitist, pretentious shit you will read today. Please keep in mind that this is A LIST OF THINGS SHE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT:

1. De Gournay Hand-Painted Wallpaper
I indulged with one wall in my London living room covered in a gorgeous pattern.

2. Seasonal Flowers
I like single-variety arrangements—peonies, hydrangeas, and white lilies—casually arranged.

3. Darren Almond’s Photography
His arresting, large-scale artwork brings a sense of majesty to a room.

4. Charles Edwards Star Lanterns
I hung three of these at different levels in the stair hall so that we could pass them on our way up to bed at night.

5. Antonio Lupi Baia Tub
It’s in the middle of my bedroom—perfect for a relaxing wind-down and for bathing the kids.

6. Juxtaposed: Religion Shelf
Built-in slots hold holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level (which is how I like to think about religion).

7. Clothbound Penguin Classics
These gorgeous editions make the books so tempting to pick up, again and again. The ultimate cure for sore muscles.

8. YUBZ Retro Handset
A handset cuts down on cellphone radiation. I use this one for my BlackBerry calls.

While you're trying to figure out how to pay your mortgage or waiting for Red Cross to call you back, I dare you to Google the prices for any of this shit then not punch a wall or stab an orphan. You can't. Because no other reasonable reaction exists.

Gywneth Paltrow recently did an interview with Elle, and as you read it, please keep in mind that it's a fluff piece designed to show "the other side" of Gwyneth Paltrow. Turns out her other side is also a pretentious, smug bitch.

On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay—they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go…in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

On her much-talked about appearance on Chelsea Lately: “Doing Chelsea Handler is like doing Howard Stern: You’ve gotta rise to the occasion. It’s good to shock people who think of me as the prim Gwyneth Paltrow.”

On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some… restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then…Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On choosing not to go to her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin for advice on music: “[He’s] a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

You can read the rest of the interview on Elle's site if you want, but just assume she talks about how likes 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam with her dodo bird egg omelets and how grateful she is that John Hammond gave her kids park hopper passes to Jurassic Park.

To celebrate the release her new book, The Day After Tomorrow The Day Before Yesterday My Father’s Daughter, Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a simple dinner party. With Jay-Z, Cameron Diaz, Alex Rodriguez, the Seinfelds, Mario Batali, Chris Martin, Michael Stipe, Martha Stewart, Rupert Murdoch's wife, and Christy Turlington. You know, just like every dinner party a working mom would have. Wanna take a guess how pretentious and out of touch with reality this whole night was? Oh, I bet you'll never guess. The New Yorker (of course) reports:

Ass-kissing writer of this article:

Paltrow, who was hosting a dinner party to celebrate her publication, was not yet drinking, but she had a glow. She wore a white racer-back dress, tan wedges, and a linen apron with the book’s title printed on the chest. She eats at home, she said. That day: “a cappuccino, some poached eggs with spinach, an apple, almonds, some cheese and bread, and a turkey sandwich with avocado and tomato.” She said, “People who don’t know me think that I only eat seaweed and rice balls.”

Gwyneth Paltrow:

“I’ve been the cook amongst my family and friends for years,” she said the other night. “That’s why I wrote the book. Because my friends are, like, ‘How do you make that? I want your chili recipe!’ ”

Christy Turlington:

“We are lucky in that we have been the recipients of many meals with Gwyneth Paltrow,” she said, and mentioned a stuffed-lobster dish that Paltrow and Martin had served in Amagansett. “They do everything themselves, including the killing of the lobster,” she said. “It’s not the boiling-in-the-pot-and-screaming lobster thing. It’s a different, faster approach. I could never do it.”

Mario Batali:

“She eats like a truck driver,” he said of Paltrow. He recalled being in Valencia, Spain, and “watching her eat an entire pan of paella as big as a manhole cover."

Jessica Seinfeld:

“There is no one who is more comfortable or more capable in the kitchen, naturally, than you,” she said to Paltrow. “I don’t know how you do it.” She turned to the assembled guests. “And you are all so lucky to be part of Gwyneth’s world. Because this is the real deal. And she’s invited all of you good people in here. I would never do that.”

Michael Stipe:

“Once, a duck she was cooking caught fire, and she threw it in the pool.”

Oh God, shut the fuck up. If you wonder why people hate Gwyneth Paltrow, this is why. She was born rich and connected and now she wrote a book with recipes from her father's personal chef, Juan. I don't know if Juan exists, but I'm sure he does. His name might also be Miguel. Or Jean-Georges. Or Pascal. Or whoever the fuck it is who cooks this shit while a Vietnamese lady gives Paltrow a koala blood colonic and a dragon counts her gold.

Director Bruce Paltrow died from complications of cancer and pneumonia in 2002 after battling oral cancer since 1998, but leading medical experts and oncologists are unsure why he didn't miraculously recover. Because, afterall, Gwyneth did feed him gluten-free noodles. The Daily Mail reports:

GWYNETH Paltrow has revealed that she embarked on her strict macrobiotic diet in an attempt to cure her dying father. The actress hoped her rigid eating plan would help film director dad Bruce Paltrow after he was diagnosed with throat cancer. But when Gwyneth, 38, served him gluten-fee noodles for lunch, he took a mouthful and said: “It’s like biting into the New York Times.” Mum-of-two Gwyneth, who is launching a cookbook, Notes From My Kitchen Table, said: “It’s obviously ridiculous, but I didn’t want him to die and the doctors said he had to be healthier. “So I started to read about how powerful the body can be if you do not poison it with processed food and white sugar – there are cases that show that sometimes people can heal themselves.”

Gwyneth Paltrow has a cookbook to promote, so I guess now is a good time to tell the world how she made her dad's last remaining days a living hell by force feeding him grains and vegetables she bought from a Mexican guy on the side of the road. Because that's what will kill cancer. Wheat germ and legumes wrapped in some seaweed. If you took an X-ray of his throat in 2002, I bet you could totally see those cancer cells hiding behind the couch in mortal fear. Eggplants and miso soup?! OMG, run! RUN!!!!

Pepper Gwyneth Paltrow responded to the vitriol from her haters this week. Guess what their problem is? The New York Daily News reports:

"I think there's a part of me that because I think I do a lot, I think my work ethic is the reason why I'm successful. I think that a lot of people don't want to put in effort and it's easier not to change, not do something good for you, not work on your relationship, not make yourself a meal, not work out.

"[They're just] pissed off at someone else doing that."

But the fact she thinks she makes everyone else insecure, doesn't seem to bother the star.

"I'll just do what I'm doing because, especially now, we live in a world now where everybody is able to express their opinion," she said.

In the interview, America's favorite person to hate also denied rumors she was hooking up with "Glee" hunk Matthew Morrison (they're just friends), was starting a food magazine ("I don't even have time to blow dry" she said) and said she was still thinking about recording an album.

Her theories didn't stop the Gwyneth-haters from coming out in the comments of the article, ironically.

"If not for your parents, you would probably be waiting tables at IHOP!" one reader wrote.

"Wow, I think she thinks a little too much of herself. She seems to believe she is doing something special; cooking healthy meals for her family, exercizing [sic], working, and being a mom. What is she reinventing the wheel? Sounds like most moms. Cooking at least two meals a day? Sounds mundane to me! Maybe her conceit is why she is so disliked by some," another added.

The commenters within the article pretty much covered all the bases: Gwyneth Paltrow isn't a particularly skilled actress or singer, and she thinks she's special because she was born into money, connections, and an affinity for watercress. Most of us do envy blonde WASPs who don't have to work another day in their lives and have all the time in the world to tweet. Point: Paltrow.

All images via WENN.

Just in case you wanted more reason to hate Gwyneth Paltrow, she now has a 33 room house. The Daily Mail reports:

Madonna has done it and Jamie Oliver too. Now Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin have become the latest celebrities to spread out into the house next door. After snapping up the property adjoining their London home, the couple are to create a £7million superhouse with 33 rooms.Pictures submitted with a planning application show the couple's garden with a slide for daughter Apple, five, and son Moses, three. Plans show they intend to knock through the connecting walls to create eight rooms on the lower ground floor, six on the upper ground, five on the first floor and eight on the second floor. A two-storey extension at the side of the existing house includes a gym, changing room, three bedrooms and a bathroom. The couple moved out of the house in May to spend time in America. They own several other homes, including one in the Hamptons, near New York, but see the London property as their base because they want the children to have a British education. A neighbour said: 'It will be a massive house. What they have already is a substantial family home, but to double and add a bit on will make it a real mansion."

I'm not gonna lie, spelling and grammar are my white whale, but I'm not really sure that a British education would have helped that. Mostly because I'm a dumbass, but mainly because spelling shit with a "u" is retarded and based on movies I've seen, British kids have buckles on their shoes and tie their books together with belts. They also walk with canes and will die unless The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Scrooge how sick they are. What the hell is going on over there?!

And again, I have no idea what these pictures of Jenna Jameson have to do with Gwyneth Paltrow other than the fact that they aren't of Gwyneth Paltrow. BTW, I don't know if "Jenna Jamseon" gave it away, but these are NSFW:

You might want to sit down for this, but America's beloved actress Gwyneth Paltrow is acting like a raging bitch on the set of Iron Man 2. I know, I know. Breathe. C'mon, breathe. Fox News reports:

A source says some of the "Iron Man" team had secret hopes of her character being recast, or even killed in the movie, but are resigned to the likelihood that she is locked in as the character Pepper Potts. Gwyneth did nothing to make friends with fellow superhero Scarlett Johansson, playing the Black Widow, says the insider, and crew actually preferred to be around her husband, Coldplay frontman, Chris Martin. "Gwyneth is extremely cool at work. She's just a step above professional, too snobby," the on-set source tells FOX411. "Gwyneth is not friendly to anyone, and tends to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. She wasn't outright rude to Scarlett, she just didn't ever speak to her. Gwyneth went out of her way to avoid Scarlett, and they had zero contact, at Gwyneth's choosing." The source says that she also put undue pressure on the hair and makeup staff and other members of the crew. "Gwyneth would be very put out if hair and makeup were running behind or things were not on schedule. Usually, nothing was drastically late, but Gwyneth can instantly say something that lets everyone know she is put out," the source explains. "Much of the crew didn't mind hanging out with her husband, Chris, but if Gwyneth ever came around, they scattered! Chris is so chill and relaxed and she is just the opposite. Chris has been a crew favorite since the filming of the first movie." And while the insider says there are definitely people on the movie who would love to see her replaced, Pepper Potts is a very important character to Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark. "She is not going anywhere," sighs the source. "As long as Gwyneth wants to be in the movies, she will be, and the crew has to learn how to handle her."

Seriously, is there even any reason Gwyneth Paltrow is even in movies besides her famous parents using their Hollywood connections like high-speed internet? She can't act, she's ugly, freakishly pale, and I'd rather hear the a doctor tell me he's gonna have to amputate that hear this bitch's annoying ass voice. If her parents weren't Bruce Paltrow and Blythe Danner, she'd be asking me if she could box up my steak at Outback. Why, yes. Yes, you could.


Note: And don't please justify the reasons for why she can act because she won an Oscar. Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar too, so let's don't get carried away.