Up until last year, Halle Berry was known as the Oscar-winning actress most likely to get gang raped if she ever stepped foot outside her house without a security detail. Then she broke up with Gabriel Aubry and they had to decide on a custody agreement. Then she got fucking crazy (here and here). They're in court now. This should turn out well. TMZ reports:

Halle Berry is in family court right now, doing battle with Gabriel Aubry over custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Nahla. Halle's lawyer filed a very thick stack of documents a few minutes ago, outlining trouble she's had with Gabriel. We're told the document lists Gabriel's alleged failings as a dad. Gabriel didn't show up, but his lawyer is there.

People need to learn there is a child's well-being at stake, so instead of a lengthy court battle, they should turn to God's word. Let the judge be like wise King Solomon. And tell the bailiff to hold the baby upside down and cut it in half with a sword. And whoever screams the loudest loves the baby more. Because, after all, it's a child's life. There's really no reason to bring present facts or have logical discourse about the child's well being. Put it in God's hands.

Despite the fact that Halle Berry's daughter, Nahla, has a white French-Canadian father and a white mother, Halle Berry says that her daughter is black. TMZ reports:

Halle Berry says it point blank ... her daughter is Black -- a direct message to her ex Gabriel Aubry who, according to sources, "went nuts" anytime someone called Nahla Black. Halle says in an upcoming interview with EBONY magazine, "I feel she's Black. I'm Black and I'm her mother, and I believe in the one-drop theory." The one-drop rule was used during segregation to describe anyone who wasn't 100% Caucasian.

Wait, one drop of what? Semen? I mean, I only ask because I need to know if two blonde chicks from Vegas woke up this weekend magically transformed into Native Americans. Man, I hope they know about this rule. They shouldn't have any more problems with financial aid now.

Well, this explains everything now, doesn't it? People reports:

In late November, the reality starlet and Canadian model Gabriel Aubry caught a Lakers game and stepped out to watch the movie Burlesque. They then quietly went their separate ways, and by early December, Kardashian was dating pro basketball player Kris Humphries. But sources say that one person took the brief episode seriously: Aubry's ex, Halle Berry. "Halle was very upset," says a source close to the actress. "She was upset at the idea of someone like that being in her daughter's life. She did not want a reality star in Nahla's life. She was very aggravated." Another source close to Berry, 44, says the Oscar winner's reaction had nothing to do with jealousy. "Halle couldn't care less who Gabriel dates," says this source. "She just didn't want Nahla exposed to the cameras that are undoubtedly around a reality star."

To put things in perspective, Gabriel Aubry and Kim Kardashian were photographed together on a date ONCE, and whatever was going on with them, was over in two weeks. Not once was their kid present, yet Halle Berry flew into a rage and justified it by saying she was only looking out for her child. And to be clear, if she didn't want her child to be constantly in front of a camera, well, then she should have bought some Plan B. She's an Oscar winner and one of the hottest women on the planet. Cameras tend to notice that kind of thing. You know, except for the Hasselblad EDC. That's because it's a specially designed version of the motorized 500EL intended for use on the surface of the moon. The camera is equipped with a specially designed Biogon lens with a focal length of 60 mm, with a polarization filter mounted on the lens.

Halle Berry has turned into Oksana Grigorieva during her child custody battle with baby daddy Gabriel Aubry, and now I guess part of that is to find anyone who has ever been involved with Aubry and pay them to come forward with tales of horror and racism. Wait, did I say "pay"? Ok, yeah. That's what I meant. TMZ reports:

One of Gabriel Aubry's ex-girlfriends tells TMZ Aubry used to spew anti-black racial slurs so often ... she couldn't believe it when he hooked up with Halle Berry. The woman -- who dated Aubry from 2003 to 2005 -- tells TMZ he was "very disrespectful to women" for the entirety of their two-year relationship. In fact, the woman also claims Gabriel "has always been a borderline racist." As TMZ previously reported -- sources connected to Halle tell us Gabriel routinely demeaned her with vulgarities ... including the N-word. However, the woman claims Gabriel never once laid a hand on her during their relationship. We're told the ex plans on reaching out to Halle through mutual friends in the near future to offer support. Calls to Gabriel's camp have not been returned.

I'm not one to deal in sweeping generalizations or stereotypes (*), but can I point out the fact that the dude is French? He's probably disrespectful to women who he feels don't have a good lip lining technique or don't know the proper way to apply eyeliner. Asking a French guy not to be a rude, prancing gaywad is like asking an Asian guy not to apologize after sex.


(*) = hahahaha, fooled you!!

I really haven't been following the break up of Halle Berry and model Gabriel Aubry, because trying to side with two rich, beautiful people who have never suffered a moment of unhappiness in their lives is exhausting, but, um, yeah. It's turned into a fucking shit storm. TMZ reports:

Halle Berry's baby daddy, Gabriel Aubry, called Halle the 'N' word, and routinely demeaned her with other vulgarities ... sources connected with Halle tell TMZ. We're told ... in addition to calling her the "N" word, he would also call her a "f**king bitch" and other expletives. And the vulgarities are not limited to face-to-face confrontations. There are vulgar text messages as well. As one source told TMZ, "He constantly demeaned her. It was awful." Gabriel's reps have not returned our calls.

Wait, they took this word out of Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, so how did he know this word exists? You mean when you pretend words don't exist, they don't? And if a black woman does a neck roll and snaps in a circle one too many times will a French model snap and call her this word? So many questions left unanswered, my friends.

Guess how Oscar-winning piece of ass Halle Berry feels about her anonymous model baby daddy giving golden showers. E! Online reports:

Kim Kardashian may be cold as a corpse on Twitter, but her love life is red-hot lately.

And while we're still swooning over K. finally trading in commitment-phobe ballplayers for some sideline snugglin' with an über-yummy French-Canadian model, we can't help but wonder how Gabriel Aubry's ex feels about the sitch.

So is Halle ready to keep up with the Kardashians?

Hardly.

Don't think she's too worried about who her delish former dude is linked to these days, since she nabbed another French-bred stud, Olivier Martinez, and things seem to be getting semi-serious.

Even if Halle Berry was upset, she doesn't have much to worry about, because Gabriel Aubry is as lily white as Britney Spears' Louisiana ass. The best he could offer Kim is Tyson Beckford's cell number and a referral to a plastic surgeon who can undo those cheek implants.

After a five year relationship that produced a two-year old kid, model and apparent queer, Gabriel Autry, has decided that Halle Berry is too old to have sex with now.
Popeater reports:

"They've worked out a financial and custody deal. They spent months hammering out a deal with a lawyer," RadarOnline.com reports. Although we have yet to hear from either beautiful celebrity's camp, Radar's source says the couple's age difference -- he's 34, she's 43 -- played a big part in their split. "Gabriel just felt it wasn't working anymore," Radar's source says. "When they were first together, the 9-year age difference between them didn't phase him, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever dated and he was totally in love. But as time went on he started feeling it more and more. Also, Gabriel started noticing other women and being attracted to others, and he felt it just wasn't right to stay with Halle in those circumstances."

My penis just texted Halle Berry to see if she wanted to grab some dinner, then I politely mentioned she was 43. "What are you? A fag? I won't be in there long enough to notice anyway. To reiterate, it's Halle Berry. Don't make me punch you, Todd " he replied as he stirred his tea.

Halle Berry attended something called the 6th Annual Keep A Child Alive benefit last night in New York, and I have no idea what that's about, but if they're trying to get kids to masturbate to stay alive, they probably shouldn't have let Halle walk in like this. You won't see anything more beautiful today unless a little girl gives a baby bear cub a daisy or a basket of puppies slide down a rainbow.