In her quest to perpetually confuse Pedo Bear, here's Hayden Panettiere shopping in LA yesterday where she bought a shitload of Ramen noodles. I don't know why exactly, but I think it's because you're supposed to take growth hormones with food.

Jess put her dead, frozen vagina in the microwave yesterday to thaw away it's sadness after she heard New York Jets' quarterback Mark Sanchez wasn't dating Hayden Panettiere. That's because Hayden Panettiere is dating Scotty McKnight. A 7th round draft pick who hasn't received his first game check. Us Magazine reports:

Just eights days after Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko announced the end of their two-year relationship, the 21-year-old Scream 4 actress stepped out in West Hollywood with a new man: New York Jets wide receiver Scotty McKnight. After sharing a meal at Mel's Diner on May 20, McKnight, 23, lovingly rubbed the actress' shoulders; the new couple also spent Memorial Day together in Laguna Hills, Calif. with mutual pal Mark Sanchez. "I'm a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with Mark and his buddies," Panettiere told Us Weekly in NYC June 2. "I've always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I'm into sports so we have a lot in common.

I hope she's into psychosis and writing letters threatening to torture and kill an entire family also because that will give them something else in common. New York Post reports:

McKnight, a former Colorado receiver and boyhood friend of Mark Sanchez, nearly got himself expelled during his senior year of high school in 2005 for penning some threatening words directed at his Tesoro (Calif.) High School English teacher in a journal that was supposed to be private, but became public. One of the entries McKnight and Tesoro teammate Sam Smith wrote referred to gluing the teacher naked to a wall, cutting off her feet and killing her family while she watches, according to court documents. "I am planning on coming in your room late one night while you’re still working," read one partial entry. "I will smother you in gasoline and light your head on fire ... "

So basically, if you're tall and have rage consuming you from within, Hayden Panettiere will blow you. "Is that so? Tell her to Facebook me," Megatron was quoted as saying.

Todd really likes to make my day by texting me to tell me that Sean Kingston is dead. And that Mark Sanchez is banging Hayden Panettiere. Fortunately, neither wound up being true. Us Weekly says:

Hayden Panettiere hasn't exactly rebounded from her split with heavyweight boxing champion Wladmir Klitschko.

Though she was recently spotted out with New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, the 21-year-old Scream 4 actress tells Us Weekly the two are simply good friends.

"I swear I'm not dating him at all. Honestly. I'm a huge Jets fan and became very good friends with him and his buddies," she told Us Thursday at the Vans Custom Culture Event in NYC. "There's genuinely, absolutely nothing going on. I've always been that girl who has a lot of dude friends. I'm into sports so we have a lot in common, but no, definitely 100% not dating."

The actress added that she and Sanchez, 24, have shared a few laughs over the recent relationship rumors.

"Every person that I stand next to in this industry is a guy I'm going to be linked to -- that's just inevitably the way it goes," she explained. "When it's a long-term friendship like that, sometimes it starts getting a little bit frustrating for certain people. You don't want to put fuel into the fire but you don't want to stop living your life and doing what you want to do."

Panettiere promises that when she does find love again, her fans will be the first to know.

"It's too much energy most of the time to keep it hidden. So when I say we're just friends, I mean it!" she told Us. "Time will tell if I'm lying, but I'm 100% not! He's a great dude and he's a great football player and he's Jet player, which I love."

As expected, Hayden is simply too old for Mark Sanchez, and you can't believe everything Todd says. I just wish I remembered that before I threw away my fake ID that said I was born in 1994. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? A jumper? Pigtails? A Flux Capacitor? God. You ruin EVERYTHING.

Think I better let it go/Looks like another vagina T.K.O (Oh..Oh..Oh..) - Me singing. Just now. People reports:

After two years of dating, Hayden Panettiere and Ukrainian heavyweight boxing champion Wladmir Klitschko are calling it quits, PEOPLE has learned exclusively. "Even though we've decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends," says the Scream 4 actress, 21. "We had a great time together, but it's not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents," he says. "I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we'll keep our friendship even after the separation."

You know when you watch movies and people are getting chased by police or werewolves or cannibals and one of them stops and leans against a tree with one hand and they're all out of breath then they grab their heart and scream to the others, "SAVE YOURSELF! DON'T WAIT FOR ME! SAVE YOURSELF!!!" ? Yeah, that's Hayden Panettiere's cervix.

On Ellen today, Hayden Panettiere discusses how she defies physics and laws of nature to have sex with what scientists believe is a Russian cyborg who was built in a lab...what? Surrounded by living tissue!! I...need to see h..most of the records were lost in the war. Skynet knew almost nothing about Panettiere. Her full name, where she lived. They just knew the city. Wladimir was just being systematic. I just need to sp..look! You have heard enough! I have answered your questions! Just tell m...then why am I talking to you? Who is in authority here?! Us Magazine reports:

During her Tuesday appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, the Scream 4 star opened up about the very personal question curious folks ask most--regarding her much taller Ukranian heavyweight boxer boyfriend Wladimir Klitschko. "He is quite a bit bigger than me," the 5'1" starlet, 21, said of her 6'6" beau, 35. "I get the prudest people coming up to me and they're like, 'Does it work?' Yeah, it works. We find a way," the Heroes alum said. "Where there is a will, there is a way!" Panettiere quipped about sex with Klitschko. She began dating Klitschko after her February 2009 breakup with her 33-year-old Heroes co-star Milo Ventimiglia. "[The people who ask me how sex works with my boyfriend] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know," she explained. "Like, 'I have to know, I just have to ask you this question. I'm really sorry but…'"

Just looking at the banner picture, my vagina hurts and my cervix is in traction and I have neither of those things. Let's just all assume that her vagina's nickname is "Rihanna".

Although he makes Jess' dead and dormant vagina tingle, doctors will soon be asking if New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez if his legs tingle, because he apparently is trying to bang Hayden Panettiere. The same Hayden Panettiere who is currently dating this guy, 6'6" former heavyweight champion and Russian, Wladimir Klitschko. Again, she's dating this guy. What could go wrong? Page Six reports:

Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez really seems to be fond of alluring Hayden Panettiere. The two were spotted Wednesday night at Beacher's Madhouse in LA, where they shared cocktails and whispered to each other. A witness said, "They were clearly trying to hide their affection. They used their friends as a buffer, but it didn't work so well." Panettiere was also seen chatting away with Sanchez at a party in LA in February, and the two partied together with other friends in Vegas two weeks ago....Panettiere is currently in a long-distance relationship with giant Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, and sources insist she's "just friends" with Sanchez..

This story might not be true because Hayden is over 18, but if it is, Sanchez might want to throw acid in his face and leave the country so nobody will ever be able to recognize him. Because if he doesn't, I'm pretty sure Klitschko will wear a necklace made out of his spine and fingers while he buttfucks Hayden Panettiere and makes Sanchez watch as his life slowly leaves his body. Or something like that.

The body that launched Mark Sanchez's vertebrae:

Since her show was canceled and she's running out of whales to save, Hayden Panettiere has plenty of time to frolic in the waves with Lurch. She looks like a Pee Wee linebacker with daddy issues, but guess what? It's a slow news day.

In what might be the creepiest couple in Hollywood, Hayden Panettiere and her dad captor summoned ogreboyfriend, Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko, attended Oktoberfest in Munich. Dear God. She looks like she just got handed to him by a nurse in a room with pink balloons out front. I have no idea how she walks, because I assume her anus looks like an innertube and her cervix has a Mexican guy standing in front of it wearing a hard hat and a reflective vest turning a sign that says "Stop" and "Slow" on it.