Last week, the world spun off its axis when it was announced that Heidi Klum and Seal were divorcing by a greying tower alone on the sea due to irreconcilable differences. But did you know, that when it snows, that TMZ reported Seal was an unhinged maniac with a violent temper. So it's a little weird what Heidi Klum says in her interview in the March 2012 issue of InStyle. An interview she gave just weeks before the split ooohh the more I read of it the stranger it feels yeaaahh. Oh whatever that was fun. Fuck off.

"I don’t know why we work, my husband and I. We just do. We are black and white – yin and yang," (Ed.'s Note: LOL) Klum tells InStyle UK's March issue, in an interview presumably conducted before the "Project Runway" star announced her breakup from the "Kiss From a Rose" singer. "To me, his beautiful face, great body, amazing heart, voice, his ability to be a loving, caring person and father… what can I say?" "I have a lot of fun with him," she said. "He’s off the cuff. He’s not fixed in his ways. And he knows how to handle me. It’s always been really passionate between us."

So he's handsome, has a great body, he's fun, he's adaptable, he's knows how to call her out for being crazy in a nice supporting way, and he's good in bed. So what exactly was the problem? Schick Quattro pop up ads?

After 7 years of marriage and 3 kids, Heidi Klum and Seal announced their seperation this weekend. I thought it might have to do with them disagreeing on Halloween costumes for next year, but apparently it has to do with the fact that Seal is an insufferable asshole who regularly flies into unprovoked rages. TMZ reports:

Heidi Klum is divorcing Seal largely because she has had it with his volcanic temper ... TMZ has learned. Sources directly connected with the couple tell us ... Heidi's decision to divorce Seal has nothing to do with a third person. There is NO issue of infidelity. But Seal's inability to control his anger has become too much for Heidi to take, in no small part because it's affecting their children. TMZ broke the story that Heidi will divorce Seal, and we've learned this was not a snap decision. As one source said, "It was a long time in coming."

With Martin Luther King, Jr. Day being only a week ago, we really don't need Hitler saying "I told you so" right now. Hopefully these two can work it out and Seal can summon a wizard for an anti-Lupus spell for whatever the fuck that is on his face. Is that even real? That can't be real? Is it real?

Heidi Klum and Seal aren't divorcing... Yet. Us Weekly reports:

On Saturday, TMZ reported that Heidi Klum and Seal were heading for a divorce, and that Klum would be filing the papers citing "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their split. But Us Weekly has learned, exclusively, that the supermodel, 38, and her husband of six years, 48, are still together -- for now. "Nothing is finalized or for sure. Seal flew back from the UK yesterday and he and Heidi are in the house together now," friend close to the couple tells Us. "They've had a very rough road lately. They're either madly in love or having crazy fights."
The friend goes on to say that the couple's recent trip to Aspen was full of tension, adding "they fought a lot. It was a very hard trip." Seal, who's famous for his 1994 single "Kiss from a Rose" is set to spend the next month in Australia, where he will serve as a coach on the Aussie leg of the vocal competition show The Voice, alongside Joel Madden. "It's been very hard. but there is a lot of love there, and any decision that will be made is a tough one because they have beautiful children who they both love very deeply," the friend says.

I'm pretty sure the root of all of the problems within their relationship is the conundrum that there's little incentive to banging Heidi Klum in dark, but also little possibility of Seal getting laid with the lights on. I'm also pretty sure doggy style can save this marriage.

Update: JK again, they announced late last night that they're separating. But my advice still stands.

Alanis Morrisette was there for some reason. She's Canadian and not that relevant anymore, but she used to bang Ryan Reynolds for a long time, so she gets a pass.


It almost makes sense that Audrina Patridge showed up, because her story line in The Hills involved her pretending to work for a record label and staring at the ceiling a lot.


Heidi Klum is still taking one for the team and banging Seal. She can do what she wants.


Jenny McCarthy has no discernible talent when she wears dresses like this. Al Qaeda: 2


Katherine Heigl took a break from making shitty movies and complaining about how hard it is to stand on an 'X' and recite lines that someone else wrote for her to remind us that she exists. Al Qaeda: 3


I guess craft services had churros.


Katy Perry won a special achievement award for being the first female artist to have five number 1 singles from a single album despite sounding like a cat being skinned every time she opens her mouth. Al Qaeda: 4

It's hard to tell. But what's not hard to tell is that Heidi Klum absolutely kills it on Halloween. Every damn year. If you went to costume party and Heidi Klum was invited, the only way you could win the costume contest is if you could literally transform into a werewolf.

Usually when you see a seemingly unconscious white woman being held down by a black man, only one word comes to mind. And that word is "rape". But you can stop being racist now, because it's only Seal and the rapidly declining Heidi Klum on vacation with their affront to Nazism black/German hybrid kids in Sardinia. Now back to Seal being so black. I bet Michael Jordan is real jealous of this guy.

Since most women have low self-esteem and body image issues and generally hate other women who have a higher metabolism or a man's attention, women have only one costume choice for Halloween: "Slutty [Insert Occupation]" (See the last two posts or your Facebook news feed). But when you're physical perfection, successful, humble, cool, AND have a happy marriage, you don't need to plan your costume around how to show your inner slut in hopes guys will look at you instead of that bitch Michelle. I mean, fuck her! Why does she have to be so pretty! She eats as much as she wants and doesn't even gain weight! And have you seen her hair? That has to be extensions, right? And I don't care what anybody says, her boobs are definitely fake! And did you hear she got a promotion at work?! I wonder whose dick she sucked. Did you hear? Gary's brother's works with a guy that knows a friend of Michelle's and he said that she blew him at a bowling alley. She's such a slut!

Heidi Klum and her family are vacationing off the coast of Italy, which fortunately for the world, means she’s in a bikini. I have nothing bad to say about this woman. She’s had FOUR (!!) kids- the last one only nine months ago- and still looks like this. She also has a very busy career, seems to have a great marriage, has a sexy self-deprecating sense of humor, and STILL LOOKS LIKE THIS! All the soccer moms out there who cut their hair short, gain a hundred pounds, and wear nothing but Minnie Mouse t-shirts and Lane Bryant clearance items after spawning just one demon seed could learn a thing or two from this superwoman supermodel.