Olivia Wilde and Jake Gyllenhaal were in the same restaurant at the same time at the same table, so of course that means they're dating. Right, New York Post?

Olivia Wilde and Jake Gyllenhaal seemed to be “very cozy” over dinner at Chinatown Brasserie. The stars, both single, were seated next to each other at a table of eight at the Lafayette Street eatery Saturday night. A spy said, “They were in a group but were very cozy with their chairs pulled in closely together.” They were also spotted one night in June at LA’s Chateau Marmont, but at the time her rep said they were “just friends.” Their reps didn’t get back to us last night.

Or, they're not dating. Or having sex. At best, you could lock Olivia Wilde in the closet Jake's been in for years then come back two hours later and they would be painting each others toenails and giggling about Zac Efron.

Mexican guy: "Your uniform...it's so tight." Jake Gyllenhaal: "Oh, hey boy haaaayyy." New York Post reports:

Jake Gyllenhaal had hoped for a nice, relaxing steam when he turned up at the 10th Street baths last week -- but arrived to find the place packed with power players in robes. Organizers of Elit by Stoli’s male-only gathering had taken over the place, with white towel-wearing guests including Nobu’s Richie Notar, venture capitalist Adam Dell, Niche Media founder Jason Binn, David Rabin and Lance Broumand. We’re told they, ahem, “let it all hang out.”

I was going to write something to make this story sound more gay, but I just checked, and it appears that's impossible.

"Oh haayy boy haaaaayyyyyy." - Jake Gyllenhaal. People reports:

He keeps some classy female company – dating a country crooner and an Oscar winner – and Jake Gyllenhaal's latest lunch involved another showbiz sweetheart. The actor was spotted lunching – and laughing – with longtime friend Rashida Jones, veteran funny girl and current star on NBC's Parks and Recreation, Sunday in Los Angeles.

Man, Jake Gyllenhaal sure does spend a lot of time with pussy outdoors doesn't he? Laughing, having lunch, shopping, talking about how semen tastes.

Since he has a new movie out and the studio's life depends on the fact that he's seen as a leading man who doesn't giggle and get grossed out at the thought of vagina, it's time to play, "Hey, look! Jake Gyllenhaal is dating a chick whose name has never been mentioned in the same sentence as his before! No, seriously! He really likes girls we promise!" Popeater reports:

On the heels of his romance with America's sweetheart, Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal isn't wasting any time getting back into the dating pool -- or should we say, the kiddie pool. Gyllenhaal, 30, was recently spotted ordering eggs and a side of rebound at breakfast in New York with '90210' star Jessica Lowndes, 22, according to Us Weekly. After his breakfast date with Lowndes, Gyllenhaal also reportedly got cozy with a different young lady later that evening. Talk about playing the field...According to E! Online, Gyllenhaal's rep is denying his client's player ways, insisting that Gyllenhaal and Lowndes are "not dating." But the brunette beauty's rep replied with a simple "no comment."

Jessica and I had a brief imaginary sexual relationship recently, so I think I'm qualified to say that these two aren't having sex. She used to get all weird when I'd bring up anal. C'mon, why you gotta be like that, baby?

I don't know if Jake Gyllenhaal and his publicist pulled reasons out of hat to explain why he broke up with a hot, skinny, 21-year old blonde, but congratulations! They pulled the gayest one! Us Magazine reports:

Taylor Swift, 21, may be hard at work penning her next break-up ballad -- sources confirm to UsMagazine.com that she and Jake Gyllenhaal, 30, have ended their brief romance. "Jake reached out to her and started all of this, but now he’s not acting as interested," a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly (on stands Wednesday). The previously inseparable pair called it quits just before New Year's Eve, then rang in 2011 separately. "He said he wasn't feeling it anymore and was uncomfortable with all the attention they got," says the insider of the just over two-month romance. "He also said he could feel the age difference. Taylor is really upset. We told her not to move so fast with this but she didn't listen." Explains a Gyllenhaal insider, “Jake cares about her, but [the publicity] was a lot for him. He wants to keep his private life private, and that’s hard to do dating Taylor.”

He could feel the age difference, huh? Isn't that the point of banging 21-year old chicks? To feel the age difference? I'm a man. If I wanted to fuck somebody my own age it would be in a land development deal, not on my couch with her knees pinned to her ears.

Since Jake Gyllenhaal no longer has to promote a movie where he has to make people think he likes having sex with women, and Taylor Swift needs to write another album about how some guy fucked her over, the two have reportedly split. People reports:

Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are starting 2011 single. "They're over," a source tells PEOPLE about the short-lived relationship. "It ended last month." No reason was given for a split, and the stars reps didn't have immediate comment, but the two spent the holidays – and their birthdays – apart. Swift, 21, rang in 2011 in Nashville, solo, at a party, while Gyllenhaal, 30, was in New York, where he attended a closing party for Broadway's Fela! on Jan. 2. While in the Big Apple, Gyllenhaal was also spotted dining with his mother at the Spotted Pig.

I really hope everyone sees what just happened here. You did? Fantastic. Next.

In case you didn't know already, these completely staged and obviously planned pictures of Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal are like OMG, "suddenly serious!!" Man, I can't wait until she writes a song about him and tells us what kind of toenail polish he likes! Tell us more!

For publicity. People says:

Two days after enjoying maple lattes together in Brooklyn, N.Y., on Thanksgiving, Swift and Gyllenhaal popped up in the singer's hometown of Nashville.

On Saturday afternoon, the couple were spotted getting a late breakfast at Fido, a coffeehouse and café near Vanderbilt University and Music Row.

"They were smiling and laughing. They were talking a lot and enjoying each other's company," fellow diner Elaina Mishu tells PEOPLE. "They didn't look like [just] friends."

Of course they're not just friends, otherwise they wouldn't have painted each other's nails and baked cookies and texted their crushes together when they got home. Because those are things you only do with your bestie. Or your beard.