In the new issue of Star, they claim to have all the details as to what exactly happened inside Jamie Lynn Spears' delivery room. And by "details," I mean "lies":

The baby's heart rate dropped every time she tried to push," a family insider tells Star. "They did an ultrasound and quickly discovered that the umbilical cord was too short." But despite the doctors' dire warnings, the 17-year-old "was adamant about having a natural delivery." Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors - including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did. "Britney then ran out in tears because she couldn't bear to see what was happening."

Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby on June 19th at 9:30 am, so unless Britney Spears can tell the future, it seems there might be a reason why Britney was photographed with her dad at LAX boarding a flight to Louisiana on June 18th. And leaving LAX on June 20th. To find out more, reserve your copy of "Why 17-Year Olds Aren't Adamant About Having a Natural Delivery" today!

Britney and her best friends yesterday at Fred Segal:

Unwed teenager who may or may not have had sex with her producer and is hiding the true identity of the baby's real father because it would be creepy, Jamie Lynn Spears, welcomed a baby girl this morning via c-section, as predicted. Congratulations! And yes, her name is as stupid as her relatives: Maddie Briann. People reports:

Just the family was there," says a source about the birth around 9:30 a.m. at a hospital in Mississippi, near her Louisiana hometown. "Everyone is healthy and happy."

Welcome to the world, Maddie! If I have any advice to offer you as you embark on life's crazy journey, it's just believe in yourself and don't cry when you give your first lapdance. You should charge extra for that.

Britney and family at LAX heading to Kentwood:

Edwin W. Merino, a paparazzao from Los Angeles, was arrested on Tuesday for stalking Jamie Lynn Spears and her fiance. Merino paid $1,143 and was released the same day. He is due in court next week. FOX News reports:

Authorities in Liberty, a small town in southwest Mississippi near the Louisiana border, said Merino wouldn't leave the pregnant Spears and her fiance, Casey Aldridge, alone. Merino denied the accusations in a phone interview Wednesday with The Associated Press. He said that he was about 200 feet (60 meters) away from the couple using a long lens when he was arrested at a gas station....Merino said he had little luck taking pictures of the couple and was preparing to leave the area...."The one picture I got was kind of by luck," he said. "I got lucky when I saw them at Wal-Mart when I was buying deodorant."

So basically all you have to do to get pictures of Jamie Lynn Spears is hang out at Wal-Mart. And why wouldn't you? Rednecks love Wal-Mart. In fact, the one by my house just put in a "dragging a guy behind your truck" lane for busy shoppers. How convenient!

Studies have shown that the only way these pictures could get any more redneck is if Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears were driving through a Wal-Mart in a stock car with jugs with Xs on them in the trunk and shooting at possums.

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant but apparently she was under the impression that she would get fat for a while then doctor would walk her down to the river where her new baby would be wrapped in blankets and floating in a basket. She doesn't seem to like the alternative. Star Magazine says:

A source tells Star that when the Spears family matriarch showed her seven-months-pregnant 17-year-old daughter a video of a real natural childbirth, Jamie Lynn threw up! "Lynne was trying to be helpful," a source tells Star. "She wanted to show Jamie Lynn what a woman goes through giving birth, that it's a natural and beautiful thing, but all Jamie Lynn saw was the blood - or 'goop,' as she called it - the screaming and the pain. It was too graphic for her. She flipped out and literally got sick." Now Jamie Lynn is totally freaked out. "She is wondering if a C-section is possible," the source adds. "She wants to be knocked out and then wake up when it's all over."

Well, it's a good thing Jamie Lynn thought this whole pregnancy through. Now instead of putting puffy unicorn stickers on her IPod or cutting out pictures of The Jonas Brothers this summer, she'll be in screaming, agonizing pain in a few months. Nice job, you fucking moron. There's a reason 16 year old girls shouldn't get pregnant. And please don't tell me that all babies are miracles from God. A miracle from God is when a butterfly lands on a retarded kid's arm or when the cops don't find the hooker you buried, not when a drunk hillbilly forgets to pull out.

Let's face it, the Spears family are inbred retards, and just in case you thought Jamie Lynn got pregnant on accident, sorry. Turns out she's just a whore. A source tells Star:

I know for a fact that Casey was not the first guy she slept with -- or the last," says one fellow teen in Kentwood, La. "There were at least two others. I know that 110 percent." Another friend says that before her pregnancy Jamie Lynn partied hard but always in private. "Some people drink to have a good time. But she drank to get wrecked. She drank to get messed up and forget about her mother, her sister and all of that." Just days before announcing her pregnancy in December, Jamie Lynn shocked a boy at a party by asking him for sex. "It's cool, I'm pregnant," she said. "I can't get pregnant again!""

It must be great to be Jamie Spears. I bet every Father's Day he is showered with gifts and praise the world over. How does he do it? What is his secret? Oh, he'll never tell. He'll just retreat to his study to recline in his leather chair and sip brandy. And as the billowing aromatic smoke from his pipe curls into ether, his soul is content. For his work has been good.

Jamie Lynn, 16, pregnant, and wearing a Heineken shirt on Feb. 10:


Image source: Jamie-Pictures.com

Has Amanda Bynes always looked like this? If so, shouldn't she have a sex tape by now? I mean, she was on Nickelodeon, and we already have this and this, so she needs to ratchet up the slut pretty soon, or she's gonna get passed by. She's 22, so she better hurry up. She won't be this cute and hot for long. She's like puppies in a basket or baby ducks in a bathtub, except with a way more accommodating vagina.

George Clooney was at the 13th Annual Critics' Choice Awards last night and proceeded to kick Jamie Lynn Spears in the stomach. Page Six says:

There isn't a celebrity in Hollywood that George Clooney doesn't know...but it appears that there is one star he is not interested in spending any time with: Jamie Lynn Spears. When asked by E! News last night what he thought of Nicole Kidman's just-announced pregnancy, George replied: "At least she is older than 16."

George better be careful, because Jamie Lynn is studying for her GED. That's like finishing almost high school in two weeks. Clooney will be no match for Jamie Lynn's superior intellect. With her ability to recite the Preamble, identify proper sentence structure, and understand simple cell division, there will be no stopping this mental menace!!