Jason Sudeikis is on SNL and has appeared in such horrific movies as Hall Pass and Horrible Bosses. His last name is also "Sudeikis". Now that you've read that, please know that he is now banging Olivia Wilde. You know, after he was the first person to believed to be the father of January Jones' baby because he was banging her, too. DEAR GOD, MAN. Us Magazine reports:

A source tells the new Us Weekly -- on stands Friday -- that Wilde, 27, and Sudeikis, 36, haven't been shy about their new romance. The SNL funnyman brought Wilde to the show's afterparty at NYC's Loi on Dec. 4. "They walked in holding hands," says a source. "She's come to the [SNL] studio at Rockefeller Center, and they've gone out to dinner after rehearsals," adds an insider.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Bradley Cooper should be pulling this kind of ass, but since they're gay, Sudeikis is repeatedly outkicking his coverage and banging every hot, available vagina in Hollywood. I can't wait for his autobiography where he talks about the time he buried those Swedish models in Vegas while titty fucking Kate Upton.

January Jones dated Ashton Kutcher when she first moved to Los Angeles, now Ashton Kutcher is married to this. I don't know the science behind it, but Demi Moore is 48 and has three kids, so her vagina is probably haunted and her OB/GYN sometimes has to use anti-freeze. And a feather duster or compressed air. Or whatever means she's old. Also, I understand why someone would want to have unprotected sex with January Jones. All this just makes sense basically is what I'm saying. HollywoodLife reports:

Internet websites and message boards are blowing up with wild speculation that Ashton got an ex-girlfriend who’s now a TV superstar PREGNANT and THAT’s what’s really breaking up his marriage to Demi Moore! Do you believe it? Ashton Kutcher‘s marriage to Demi Moore is reportedly under major stress after 21 year-old blonde Sara Leal has claimed that she spent a steamy night in bed with the Two and a Half Men star. But now we are reading and hearing widespread whispers and allegations that are linking him to a FAR more shocking affair! Commenters on BlindGossip.com are speculating that the following item, posted on Oct. 17, is about Ashton, 33, Demi, 48, and Ashton’s sexy ex-girlfriend January Jones: “This married actor had a one-night stand with one of his exes, who is an actress in an acclaimed television show. She wound up pregnant. The actor’s wife found out about the baby, and, to no one’s surprise, went completely ballistic. Both the actor and his wife tried every tactic (money, lawyers, threats to ruin her career) to convince the ex to terminate the pregnancy. Despite enormous pressure from all sides, the ex decided to keep the baby. The actor’s marriage is now on the rocks. We’re not sure how long everyone can remain tight-lipped about this one. It will be difficult to keep such a bombshell out of divorce proceedings, which will likely occur before the New Year.”

This is all rumor and speculation of course, so it's really up to you if you believe it or not. Just like the time somebody posted on Facebook that I screamed and hid behind my car when I saw a possum in my driveway. Please. Since when is a car a truck?

Since ruining a marriage and having a baby out of spite is something you can't just reveal until you're tell-all book (diapers and a lifetime of therapy cost money, you know), January Jones left her child's father's name off its birth certificate. TMZ reports:

The January Jones baby daddy mystery continues ... because the actress left a big, fat BLANK SPOT on her son's birth certificate in the space where she's supposed to name the father. TMZ obtained the document, filed Friday with the L.A. County Dept. of Public Health, which shows January's son, Xander Dane Jones, was born on Sept. 13, 2011. Several famous studs have been rumored to be the father -- including "SNL" star Jason Sudeikis, super chef Bobby Flay, "X-Men" director Matthew Vaughn ... and "Seeking Justice" co-star Xander Berkeley. So far, mom continues to remain mum.

Either somebody can't afford or doesn't want to Maury this bitch yet. I guess January Jones is happy to let us speculate on who she fucked while his wife was in spin class. Fine. If I had to guess, I'm gonna say the father is Tom Hanks or Matt Damon. Just by the way they live their lives you can tell they would do something like that.

After fucking and getting pregnant by director Matthew Vaughn an as-of-yet revealed married man on the set of X-Men: First Class, January Jones gave birth to a boy on Tuesday. People reports:

Mad Men star January Jones welcomed her first child on Tuesday, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. Son Xander Dane Jones and the new mom are "doing great," the rep says. Jones, 33, chose to keep the sex of her baby under wraps, remarking "it's going to be a surprise for me" during a June interview. The actress announced the pregnancy in April. A source told PEOPLE at the time, "She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom."

In case you didn't pick up on that, January Jones named her son Xander. Xander Jones. Xander D. Jones. Not to sound racist, but when he gets older he might want to attach a headshot to his resume just in case.

Yesterday, E! reported that X-Men: First Class director and husband of Claudia Schiffer, Matthew Vaughn, is more than likely the father of January Jones' lustchild. They quickly pulled the story, so that means it's 100% true. Despite what you just read and know about January Jones, the entire film's cast say she will make a great mother. Let that sink in. US Magazine reports:

"It's great!" Rose Byrne told Us Weekly on the red carpet. A rep for Jones, 33, told Us last month that the star "is happy to announce that she is expecting her first child this fall." Michael Fassbender, who plays Erik Lehnsherr/Magneto in the action flick, went into more detail about his co-star. "She's a fantastic person," the 34-year-old actor told Us. "She's very sweet. Just in the experience of working with her, she sort of gets up and gets on with it, and I think she'll probably do the same in motherhood." And while her co-stars Byrne, Fassbender, James McAvoy, Kevin Bacon, and Lucas Till were positive for the mom-to-be, they also kept mum on who the father is. "You know you can't ask me that!" laughed Bacon, who plays Sebastian Shaw.

Right. Totally. She'd be a wonderful mother. Because if her past life decisions have proven anything, it's that she's completely stable and selfless enough to make a safe, nurturing home for a child. Or whatever means the opposite of that. This baby won't be off Similac a month before January Jones is looking for a club near a wireless hotspot so she can put the baby in headphones and throw it in a dumpster with a laptop streaming Little Bear on Netflix so she can take advantage of drink specials.

I think we can rule out Zach Galifianakis as the father. NY Daily News reports:

Don't count January Jones as among Zach Galifianakis' favorite celebrity encounters. The funny man revealed in an interview with Shortlist.com that the two had an icy first meeting that he just isn't able to overlook. "She and I were very rude to each other," he recalled. "It was crazy." Galifianakis went on to recount being at a party where the "Mad Men" star invited him to sit with her. "So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, 'I think it's time for you to leave now,'" he claimed. "So I say, 'January, you are an actress in a show and everybody's going to forget about you in a few years, so f--king be nice,'" he continued, "and I got up and left."...While many male stars would probably be quick to agree to a sex scene with the gorgeous blond, Galifianakis is one celebrity who wouldn't be willing. "I wouldn't want to," he said. "I'd hate it."

I hope it's not a secret to anyone that January Jones is a raging ice queen who tries to intimidate men. That's because you need liquid oxygen to reach the bottom of her issues and no amount of indifference or systematic neglect by a man can create the perfect woman you see today. Skinny, blonde, and the insecurity of a burn victim at a public pool fused to her DNA. When I see January Jones all I see is violent mood swings and unlimited anal. Basically what I'm saying is, where is the waiting list? Can I sign up online? How does this work?

There's only two reasons why a woman won't reveal the identity of their baby's father. You'd assume one of those reasons would be, "Because it's Kevin Federline", but you're mistaken. It's because she doesn't know who the father is or the father is already married to someone else. Well, January Jones was banging some dude on the set of X-Men: First Class, so that only leaves reason #2: her vagina is a roaring lion seeking to devour any cock that winks at her and says she looks really pretty in that new dress that she thinks makes her look fat. The Daily reports:

It's no wonder January Jones won't reveal the identity of the father of her unborn baby. Sources say the dad-to-be is married.

I got an anonymous email last week from someone claiming to have worked on the set of X-Men: First Class and they said the father isn't part of the cast but part of the crew. Like it matters. Maybe next week January Jones can sell black tar heroin in a school zone or make a down payment on a Saturn. You know, just to fully drive the point home that she might not be the best at making life decisions.

In a new interview with Allure, January Jones puts aside the fact she's an emotional drunk who calls married dudes to bang her or talk about her bastard child from her jump off on the X-Men: First Class set.

On why she doesn't go to therapy anymore:

"I was traveling so much, and I just needed to make sure I was grounded and had someone to talk to. She talked more than I did, which was hilarious and great and fun,"..."I really like [my therapist]. It was like having a girlfriend. But I'm not going to give her $300 an hour to have the same conversation I could have with my girlfriend."

On way having a boyfriend gets in the way of getting strange dick:

Earlier this year, the actress, (here with makeup artist Brigitte Reiss-Andersen) broke up with Jason Sudeikis of Saturday Night Live because "the long distance kind of petered us out," she says. "When you date someone else who's in the industry, someone has to make the sacrifices. And if no one's willing to, then you just have to be friends." Then again, she says, it's hard to imagine anyone who is not in the industry being understanding of her job's demands: "'I'm sorry, I need to go away for three months and kiss other men while you stay here.'"

Lies:

"I have never dieted," says the actress. "I just listen to whatever my body craves. I don't deny myself anything. I don't crave sweets or unhealthy things very often. But when I do, like if I'm in a bad mood and I'm in traffic, I'll stop at McDonald's and get a strawberry shake and fries and not feel guilty at all, because I deserve it."

Long story short, I love this woman. Why? Mostly because that last blockquote is just a really long euphemism for cock.