And I shall call him Jorge Villalobos Cruz-Bardem. Us Magazine (via Hola) reports:

Congratulations are in order for Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz, who welcomed their first child -- a boy! -- together on Tuesday. According to Spanish newspaper El Pais, the infant was born at Cedars Sinai Hospital in L.A.; Spanish magazine Hola broke news of the baby's gender. Hola also reports that members of the couple's family flew in from Spain for the birth: Cruz's mother, brother and sister, plus Bardem's mother.

Wow. I didn't even know Penelope Cruz was pregnant. But I guess I should have assumed. Because you can't outfuck Mexicans. You just can't. If they had a Mexican Teen Mom, their audition lines would look like American Idol.

Note: Yes, I am fully aware that they are Spanish. And yes, I am fully aware that I said they are Mexican. But please keep in mind that I don't care. Thanks!

I wish this post had a vuvuzela button. People reports:

Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem have always kept their romance under the radar – and their intimate wedding was equally low-profile. Cruz, 36, and Javier Bardem, 41, exchanged vows in front of family members during a small, private ceremony held at a friend’s home in the Bahamas earlier this month, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. The bride wore a gown designed by designer John Galliano, a longtime friend of the actress.

The article goes on to call the couple "Spanish lovebirds" (which sounds like a sex act you do on a dare), but there's a long standing rumor that Penelope Cruz is a lesbian. So that would make Javier Bardem her beard. Not that I care, because Javier Bardem kicked ass in Collateral and No Country for Old Men . Also, I would very much appreciate it if Penelope Cruz let me titty fuck her. I also would like to know more about the sphinx. It's a lion with a human head. What's up with that?

The biggest excuse for Hollywood to suck itself off celebrated its 80th anniversary last night, and with the exception of Tilda Swinton, the winners went pretty much as expected. And as usual, they were mostly wrong. There Will Be Blood got robbed and if I was a 15 year old girl, I'd feel pretty good about my chances at winning a screenwriting Oscar next year. "That ain't no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, Homeskillet." Really? That's a line from an Oscar-winning screenplay? If I heard someone talk like that in real life, my only recourse would be an uppercut. And they would deserve it.

Best Original Screenplay: Diablo Cody, Juno
Best Adapted Screenplay: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men
Best Supporting Actress: Tilda Swinton, Michael Clayton
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem, No Country For Old Men
Best Actress in a Leading Role: Marion Cotillard, La Vie En Rose
Best Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Day-Lewis, There Will Be Blood
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country For Old Men