Other than sounding like a really good strand of weed and crying on a Jay-Z track, Blue Ivy Carter hasn't really accomplished that much. Hopefully one day she can get kids to sell crack for her like her dad or take other people's songs then pay them off to shut the hell up about it like her mom. But until then, she's just an average kid. Oh, wait. inTouch Weekly reports:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.” A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

Six nannies and a bullet-proof delivery room? Is Blue Ivy one of the X-Men? Is some sort of bio-engineered human weapon for the government to fight the war on terror? No? Oh then she's just a fucking baby? I see.

"Stop looking at my dick, guys."
In case you haven't heard (LOL!), Jay-Z and Beyonce and their surrogate had a baby, Blue Ivy Carter, five days ago, and almost immediately Jay-Z released a song called Glory featuring B.I.C.. Of course, "B.I.C" is a writing pen "Blue Ivy Carter", making her the youngest person ever credited with being on the Billboard chart. And apparently that's some sort of big deal I guess because Jay-Z held out a tape recorder while the kid was coming out. Man, how impressive! I bet she's gonna grow up to be a huge star with grace and humility and not at all be an entitled cunt. Billboard reports:

If you guessed that Baby Carter would grow up to be a star because of her ubiquitous, famous parents, you were probably right. If you anticipated her first song being released in her tweens, a la Willow Smith, you were dead wrong. Try within hours of her birth. Blue Ivy Carter, the bundle of joy brought into the world by megastar Beyoncé (with a little help from fellow famous dad Jay-Z) Saturday (Jan. 7), becomes the youngest person ever credited with gracing a Billboard chart, as Jay-Z's newly-recorded studio cut "Glory" -- officially billed as "featuring B.I.C.," an abbreviation of Blue Ivy Carter -- begins on R&B/Hip-Hop Songs at No. 74. (For historical purposes, this week's Billboard charts are dated Jan. 21). Blue Ivy Carter/B.I.C. also benefits from the era in which she born. Technology today allows an advantage in that Jay-Z was able to record and release "Glory" less than 48 after her birth. After almost 72 years of numbers, positions, peaks, lows, gains and debuts -- the first national Billboard chart was published the week of July 27, 1940 -- the little princess born to the reigning king and queen of R&B/hip-hop breaks the mold almost concurrently with her arrival into Beyonce's anticipating, loving arms.

I won't even go into how "Blue Ivy" sounds like a Febreeze candle scent or a strand of weed, but can we get off this baby's dick? Look, I understand the whole proud parent thing, but was this kid found by the Pharaoh's daughter on the river bank? No. Two famous people happened to fuck and they had a kid. That's it. She's a baby, let her be a baby. Let's try not to overthink this. Jay-Z already has a 9-year old kid he threw $1M at to go away, so hopefully he doesn't grow up with the lyrics of this song seared into his brain. Toddlers riding solid gold rocking horses are pretty easy to find with a rifle scope I would imagine.

Remember when Beyonce told everybody who was nominated for an award at the MTV VMAs to fuck off because it was her night by announcing she was pregnant with Jay-Z's baby on the red carpet? Then you remember how tabloids said it was the first child for both? A 9-year old boy in Trinidad who needs Spanx for his nose would like to have a word. Daily Mail reports:

The 41-year-old rapper, who has been married to the Crazy In Love singer for three years, allegedly has a secret son. The 99 Problems singer reportedly fathered a young boy nine years ago with Trinidad model Shenelle Scott (this chick), according to Star magazine. Jerard Andrews says his son Malik Sayeed was wrongly identified as the father, and DNA tests prove that Jay-Z is the boy's biological dad. 'At the time [he] was born, my son Malik thought he was his child, but they did DNA tests,' he told the publication. 'It’s been determined that [the child is] Jay-Z’s baby.' According to the magazine, friends urged Sayeed to get a paternity test after the baby's arrival because Scott had been seen around Jay-Z. 'Malik threw [Shenelle] a baby shower and bought all this stuff to prepare for the arrival,' a source told the magazine. 'However, after the baby was born, friends and family told him he needed to get a DNA test. 'Everyone knew she was sleeping around and sleeping with Jay,' the source added. 'There was a good chance it was his. 'Confirmation that Sayeed was not the father reportedly came two weeks later, when paternity test results allegedly determined the boy was Jay-Z's. 'Maybe two weeks later, he called me and said, "Daddy, I got some bad news. [He’s] not my son,"' Andrews told the publication. 'I said, ‘How do you know, Malik?’ He said, "He doesn’t look anything like me!" 'A source told the magazine that the child shares many of Jay-Z's features, and that the rap mogul is currently paying Scott child support. He is said to have even helped the new mother set up a home in Trinidad to raise the child. 'Shenelle told me that Jay-Z gave her $1 million to keep her mouth shut,' Jerald told Star.

So to recap, Jay-Z knocked up some model then gave her a $1M to pretend he didn't get her pregnant then she tricked some other dude into thinking he was the father. Sounds like a Tyler Perry movie. Anyway, I just hope Jay-Z and his son can reunite one day. Maybe Jay-Z can visit his school during Field Day. I'm sure winning the blue ribbon in the "Who Can Breathe The Most Air In This Room?" race would be a nice bonding experience.

The 40/40 Club is being renovated by non-union carpenters. Union carpenters don't like that. Apparently, they also don't like black people. The New York Daily News reports:

Hip-hop hot shot Jay-Z is getting hammered by carpenters for using nonunion labor for the facelift of his Manhattan club 40/40. But the carpenters union, which erected five inflatable rats outside the Chelsea joint this week, has gone too far by shouting the N-word at management, according to Jay-Z's rep. "The union is trying to bully 40/40 to hire union workers. They were shouting racial slurs. It was really inappropriate protesting," said Lauren Menache, a spokeswoman for the Brooklyn-born singer. The union members used the "N-word" during protests and in phone calls to 40/40 management, said Menache. The New York City District Council of Carpenters did not return calls for comment. The club is in a nonunion building, said Menache, giving the contractors the freedom to hire carpenters. "We confirmed that we have the right to hire a contractor that is not in the union," she said.

The carpenters union should probably rethink their approach if they're trying to get hired. Typically the only acceptable time to toss the n-word around when you want a job is if you're applying to be a Grand Wizard.

TMZ reports:

TMZ has learned Jay-Z -- along with his mother Gloria (above left) and sister Andrea -- secretly invested in a buffalo wing joint in Brooklyn called Buffalo Boss.

It's not just because wings are delicious -- Jay's first cousin Jamar White (above right) is one of the owners.

A black guy bought stock in chicken. Next you're going to tell me that Asian men invest in Civics, Russian girls in poles, and white guys in roofies and twine. C'mon man, I wasn't born yesterday.

Don't care. Awesome. Popeater reports:

Prepare the bassinet and ready the Diaper Genie, the Internet is once again claiming that Beyonce is pregnant. Media Takeout is reporting that the songstress is expecting her first child with rapper hubby Jay-Z. But should we believe the hype? The couple, who married in 2008 following a six-year courtship, have been plagued by pregnancy rumors since they starred together in the 2002 video for 'Bonnie & Clyde.' However -- as evidenced by their current lack of children -- the rumors have repeatedly turned out to be unfounded. Media outlets and fans alike routinely scrutinized every inch of B's body searching for a baby bump -- only to later learn she decided to have a big sandwich that day, or forgot to hit the gym. And lest we forget, B does revel in being 'Bootylicious.' Although we aren't necessarily inclined to believe the reports of the couple's impending baby bliss, Beyonce's official events calendar is conspicuously blank, and MTO's report of the pregnancy has not yet been denied by Beyonce's rep.

Whatever. Beyonce always looks pregnant, so who knows if this is real or not. I just hope they wait to have a baby until scientists colonize Mars, because I'm sure the baby's nose won't have any problem getting oxygen in that atmosphere.

Nothing like postponing your birthday because your boyfriend beat the living shit out of you, right ladies?

Her real 21st brithday was on February 20th, but she was a little battered them days.

Rihanna is in the NYC where she stepped out last night with one chub friend I could probably identify if I felt like it, Brandy, Jay-Z and Beyonce. You hear that chub friend? You're getting off easy because your girl has more famous friends that I don't need to Google to understand. Why don't you slim down and put out a record or something? It seems easy enough.

Everybody knows Beyonce is classless and completely full of herself right? OK, good. So this really shouldn't be surprising. At all. MSNBC reports:

"Just like the Seinfeld episode where George wanted everyone to call him "T-Bone," Beyoncé Knowles would like to be known by a bold new name. The R&B singer has christened herself "Sasha Fierce" for her new double album, "I Am...Sasha Fierce", due in stores on Nov. 18, and has released a lengthy justification for the comical moniker. "I have someone else that takes over when it's time for me to work and when I'm on stage, this alter ego that I've created that kind of protects me and who I really am," the former Destiny’s Child frontwoman said in a statement. "Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I’m on the stage." Additionally, she has set up a cryptic MySpace page (http://www.myspace.com/sashafierce) that gives a "lucky person" the opportunity to receive a personal message and a gift bag valued at $500."

Oh God, please somebody shut this bitch up. Just because you have a made up name doesn't mean it's gonna magically protect you. My lawyers actually made that very clear to me.

Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving Cipriani in New York last night:


Cipriani pics credit: Splash