I remember an episode of Wife Swap where one of the wives only ate sun rays, or some shit like that. She would just stand outside in the sun and was convinced all the UV rays she soaked in were enough for a balanced diet. So I'm guessing Jenna Jameson saw the same episode and thought that was a good idea because she looks like a leather strap with a mouth. And these pictures confuse me since I'd almost rather have that dog lick me than that piece of driftwood that used to be Jenna Jameson.

God insists on punishing us with fake news this week, and today is no different now that Scarlett Johansson says she isn't playing porn star Jenna Jameson in the film version of her best-selling book, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star. Numerous reports claimed Scarlett accepted the role yesterday, but apparently not. People reports:

Scarlett has never seen a script nor been approached about this project," says a rep for the actress. "She also has no interest in playing this role."...Speaking with PEOPLE at the Comic Con convention in San Diego this weekend, Jameson, 33, said she was smitten with the 22-year-old Johansson after seeing her Golden Globe-nominated turn in the 2003 film Lost in Translation..."I remember thinking to myself, this girl has such a sexuality without even really trying to be sexy," Jameson said. "I was like, 'This girl could play me.'"

I almost started crying until I realized this movie is being made by Hollywood. So it's basically gonna be a movie about porn without any actual porn. There's no telling what Hollywood might do. Jenna Jameson might end up being played by a gay dude or we'll learn that when she wasn't stripping she was a government assassin or a Transformer.

Scarlett Johansson performing with the Pussycat Dolls:


Jenna Jameson before she messed up her face (NSFW):


Note: Jessica Simpson was also reportedly offered this role, but her Daddy turned it down for her. Yeah, because the one thing she's famous for is her uncanny ability to attach herself to quality projects.

Here's what appears to be Jenna Jameson at Erotica LA '07 this weekend, and well, uh, yikes. Not even a year ago she was a piece of ass, now I'm not sure if I should use holy water or a silver bullet if I ever saw her in person. Maybe I should use both. Yeah, and some penicillin for me. I mean, she'd be laying there twitching, and that just happens to be #3 on my list of "turn ons" so...

Oh, Jenna Jenna Jenna. I thought we understood each other here. I noted how frightened I was with your transformation from hot, sweet, girl-next-door sexpot to ... puffy-mouth, bony-thing, and you said nothing. That lead me to believe you'd thought hard about it, and despite all your recent hardships, you were going to give eating and avoiding the plastic surgeon a go and surprise me, but no. Look at you. Why do you look exactly like that skeleton that stared back at me in my Biology class in 10th grade? And why does your mouth look like it's allergic to everything? And please stay away from these Heatherette kooks and David LaChapelle. They're clearly trying to turn you into (NSFW) Amanda Lepore Jr. and that's not good for anyone. Just to punish you, I'm putting half your DVDs in a closet and will refuse to watch them until you get better. Yeah, it's just me and the 350 DVDs I have left. Tough love, honey.

Due to the stress of her ongoing divorce and a recent botched vaginoplasty (um, eww), Jenna Jameson is rumored to have dropped 40 pounds. At this years EXXXotica convention in Miami, Jenna refused to speak to the media and was uncharacteristically short with fans when they asked her about her ongoing issues. Then, she reportedly left early when rival Tera Patrick had a longer line than her. Page Six reports:

She was contractually supposed to show up for a total of six hours in two days yet arrived late both days and blew off the event 45 minutes early on the second day of her appearance...When fans openly asked her about her [botched surgery] and why she was so thin, her people cut them off. But she shouldn't be standing in front of an old photo of herself when she's about 40 pounds skinnier than she was."

Wow, I wonder what Tito Ortiz thinks about all this? He's dating a porn star who can't have sex and in the course of a few months his girlfriend has gone from freakin' Jenna Jameson to Darkman. You have to feel bad for the guy. His daydream fantasies of anal and oral delight have been replaced with crying and masturbating in the shower.

Jenna at EXXXotica in Miami Beach on March 31st:

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