Since people would rather pay to see a donkey kick a field goal than pay to see a Jennifer Aniston movie, Jennifer Aniston is reportedly close to signing a deal to host a talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new network OWN. National Enquirer reports:

According to reports Jen will host a new talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new network OWN when THAT finally launches sometime next year. As THE ENQUIRER reported previously Oprah's top execs had jumped ship sometime back and the start date of the new net pushed back repeatedly. According to UK tab London Express the Friends beauty is enthralled with the idea and salary is not a factor as she gets major residuals from the long running Friends and makes an estimated $5-7 million for rom-com movie. "She is doing this for one reason only; she absolutely wants to do it," a source "close to the deal" divulged.

This might be the greatest Jennifer Aniston post of all time, but that's really beside the point, because this talk show is gonna be a huge success. Aniston comes off equal parts catty, entitled, and hapless victim in every thing she appears in that doesn't require a script, so a chick who can't keep a man for longer than a Geico commercial dispensing advice to women everywhere is sure to be a ratings bonanza.

Bitter, scorned women everywhere are tossing their Haagen-Dazs in the air and high-fiving each other today, because The Daily Mail is reporting that Brad Pitt's relationship with Angelina Jolie is falling apart and to console himself, he's running back to Aniston.

Brad Pitt is said to have held a secret meeting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during a recent trip to New York. The pair, who ended their five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel in the city for an hour where Brad unloaded his emotional baggage, according to Grazia magazine. The Hollywood star allegedly told Aniston about his relationship problems with Angelina Jolie, whom he hooked up with after walking out on the Friends actress. It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and - if true - their latest encounter marks their second private meeting together in the Big Apple this year. A source told Grazia that Jennifer agreed to visit Brad in his suite at the Essex House hotel, next to Central Park. 'She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history.' But the source added: 'She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina.' At first she was reported to be reluctant to meet with her former husband.
But the magazine alleges Brad got his mother Jane - who is famously still close to Jen - to persuade her to meet with him and give some advice. It comes amid claims that his four-year relationship with Angelina has hit the rocks.

To reiterate, Brad Pitt has been banging Angelina Jolie for four years. Angelina. Jolie. I'm surprised his penis didn't walk in that room and take a hostage. And I can't speak for lonely women, but taking back the guy who cheated on you is kinda pathetic. Even if he is an A-list actor or has a fancy job at Nortel. Ooh la la.

While on set of her new movie with Gerard Butler, The Bounty, Jennifer Aniston was caught crying in her trailer. And you'll never guess why!! I was so shocked!!! New York Post reports:

The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming "The Bounty" with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago. The source tells Page Six that when an assistant went to fetch Aniston, she was in tears, and said, "I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me." Aniston pulled herself together and managed to put on a smile when she eventually emerged from her trailer. The insider added, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile."

Due to their deep psychic and emotional love connection, Brad Pitt felt a disturbance in the soul of his one true love so he rushed to the set to console her and sweep her in his arms. And by that I mean he put his penis in Angelina Jolie:

Meanwhile, Pitt's looking to buy property surrounding his and Angelina Jolie's French estate, Chateau Miraval, to build an airport so the family can fly in and out unseen by paparazzi. Brangelina plunked down $60 million for the 1,000-acre estate in the South of France, which features 35 bedrooms, a vineyard, lake, forest and a moat. A source said, "One thing he loves about the estate is the privacy it affords. Nobody can get near it. So with Angelina completing her pilot's license, their own airstrip would give them total freedom to come and go."

My dentist reads this site, and some of the ladies in his office are gonna give me hell for this next week, but seriously Jennifer. Get over it. It's been four years. Shark attack victims have a faster recovery time than you. Every time I get a chick pregnant then tell her that I'm going to the store to get some bread then don't come back, it reminds me of my dad. But you don't see me crying about it.

I think Jennifer Aniston really needs to ask Propecia the Crack Ho how to get over this (NSFW language):



Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of her newest blockbuster, Love Happens. Wait, $9M in five days is a blockbuster, right? Oh, wait. :

Although a Geico commercial lasts longer that her relationships and the fact that she insists on whining in every interview she does about the man who left her over four years ago, Jennifer Aniston tells Harper's Bazaar that she "still believes in love". Awwww. NYDN reports:

"I'm still a romantic," she said. And though the "Love Happens" star has yet to land hubby number two since her split with Brad Pitt, she told the mag she's learned what makes a relationship, well, fail. "I think it's laziness," she said to the mag's October issue. "I think a good relationship is about collaboration. I think you just need to talk to each other. Say what you need. Say what you want. That way it's not threatening. You just need to say, 'This is important to me.' Don't expect your mate to read your mind." "I think that's because it's just instinctual as a woman to be the caretaker of your home. Women complain that men don't do enough, but it's your own fault," she said. "You train your man to do nothing. You can't blame someone for not knowing what his or her job should be if you don't ask for it right off the bat."

Man, I can't understand why it's so hard for this chick to keep a man. Especially since whenever she has a first date her and Cesar Milan use calm assertive energy to tell you that everything you're doing is wrong and that you better straighten the fuck up because this 40 year old chick in the Angelina Jolie mask is the pack leader so you better do what she says or you won't be able to spend your nights listening to Tori Amos while she cries to her Brad Pitt doll. Sign me up!!

Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey were friends. Tina Fey's 30 Rock is one of the funniest shows on television. Jennifer Aniston is a bad actress. Out of the kindness of her heart and as a favor to her friend, Tina Fey asked Jennifer Aniston to guest star. Jennifer Aniston was just nominated for an Emmy for her guest appearance. Tina Fey was also nominated. Guess who Jennifer Aniston isn't speaking to now? Radar reports:

Tellingly, Jen didn't call Tina to congratulate her on the nomination - and insiders say their friendship has been strained by the competition. "Jen was so excited to be nominated, she's been talking about it for months," an insider tells radaronline. "But she's really disappointed to be going up against Tina. She realizes it's going to be near to impossible to win now. "Jen doesn't deal with competition well, she likes to be the top dog. She's not happy that Tina is likely to out shine her on the night. "Jen and Tina used to be really good friends, they used to talk at least every week, but now they hardly talk at all. "Tina hasn't got a problem at all with being up against Jen but she is kind of put out by Jen's attitude towards her now. "She just can't understand why Jen would be giving her the cold shoulder over something so trivial."

Jesus, get over yourself bitch. Mariane Pearl had a faster recovering time than you. Your movies suck, your husband left you for the hottest woman on Earth, and you can't keep a man longer than five minutes. The only thing you should be winning is a free oil change.

Can Jennifer Aniston please just kill herself? Kthx Us Magazine reports:

Jennifer Aniston feels rejected and upset after Bradley Cooper ditched her for Renee Zellweger, reports the new issue of Us Weekly, on stands now. "She wanted to turn her date with Cooper into something...she honestly feels screwed over," a pal tells Us of Aniston, who dined at NYC eatery Il Cantinori on June 18 with her He's Just Not That Into You costar -- a few weeks before he began dating Zellweger. Aniston "doesn't see what Renee has that she doesn't," continues the pal...Despite Cooper's diss, Aniston will eventually bounce back, her friends insist. "She had a major crush on him and she let him know. He didn't reciprocate. She is fine," her friend tells Us. "She's used to being single and in work mode, and she's used to rejection."

I realize the media likes to paint Jennifer Aniston and all the other bitchy hags in Hollywood as "unlucky in love", but there comes a point where you have to take a step back and ask yourself what the common denominator is in all these relationships? Why would guys rather throw themselves in a lion pit than be on a date with Teri Hatcher for thirty minutes? Why does Cameron Diaz have a better chance of being exposed to gamma rays than being engaged? What's up with Jennifer Aniston's chin? Christ, it's huge. Like my model train collection. What up, ladies?!

I don't know if anybody on set realized the metaphorical brilliance of Gerard Butler shoving Jennifer Aniston in the trunk of a car, but I'd like to think they did.

She was only ever considered A-list by association and she realistically should have faded into obscurity by now, but Jennifer Aniston has built a successful(?) career on the backs of legions of bitter and scorned women everywhere by taking every opportunity to tell anyone who will listen that Angelina Jolie broke into her house and stole Brad Pitt. By her side, Courteney Cox has been a loyal friend who has shunned Brad Pitt for what he did to Aniston. You know, except for last night. Page Six reports:

WITH friends like Courteney Cox, who needs enemies? Cox, who is supposedly best pals with her former "Friends" co-star Jennifer Aniston, was spotted chatting with Aniston's ex-husband Brad Pitt at a concert Sunday night. Cox was at the Wiltern Theater in LA with husband David Arquette for the final stop on rocker Chris Cornell's Scream album tour when Pitt showed up. Our backstage spy told us, "Instead of ignoring him, Courteney chatted away with Brad all night. The three were in great spirits and seemed really happy to see each other."

Courteney Cox is apparently the only one who can tolerate Aniston's annoying ass for more than five minutes at a time, so this can't turn out well. If Aniston reads this, she'll put Tori Amos on her iPod and the garden hose in her tailpipe. But if it comes to that, jumping into a polar bear enclosure works pretty good too. Operators will be standing by to talk your calls, so come back next week for more IDLYITW suicide tips!

Cox on the set of Cougar Town: