Since she's a clingy, overbearing pit of need and insecurity who can't find someone to cum inside her without being hypnotized and needs a PR team to make you think she has a boyfriend, Jennifer Aniston has now moved on to plan B.
Us Magazine reports:

Jennifer Aniston, 40, is through with famous men, says an insider, who notes that the actress was left "really messed up and heartbroken" by singer John Mayer. "She wants to be set up with a wealthy businessman, not a celebrity," the insider says in the new issue of Us Weekly, on newsstands now. Though her rep says Aniston "does not place restrictions on the people who may come into her life," the insider says pals like Courteney Cox are hoping she'll settle with an "older, mature man." Still, one pal doubts the resolution will stick: "She always ends up drifting back to actors and musicians. Her friends want a normal guy, but she's drawn to the attention."

For her sake, I really hope this works out, because at this point her only other option is sawdust and whatever she can sneak out of the morgue.

It would normally take a visit to an alternate reality or a producer's family being taken hostage for a major entertainment news show to remove their tongue from a celebrity's ass, but this video is all you need to know about Jennifer Aniston. Every movie she carries herself bombs like a car in Iraq and she's only considered a superstar, because for a period of time, her vagina was used to keep Brad Pitt's penis warm. She can't act, she's a smug, entitled bitch in interviews, and she just bought an island where she plans to hunt homeless Haitian children for sport. Promising them food, shelter, and love, they soon become her prey in a vicious and twisted game of survival. How much longer can we allow this tragedy?! How long will you sit back and do nothing?! Text a picture of your boobs to Todd's phone and together we can st...wait, a minute...I'm not doing this right am I?

These pictures of actress(?) Jennifer Aniston in a bikini in Mexico are so mind-numbingly boring that I didn't even want to post the thumbnails. If you want to look at them, click on the banner picture, but let me be honest, you'd be better off masturbating to a piece of blank construction paper or Reader's Digest.

Since people would rather pay to see a donkey kick a field goal than pay to see a Jennifer Aniston movie, Jennifer Aniston is reportedly close to signing a deal to host a talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new network OWN. National Enquirer reports:

According to reports Jen will host a new talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new network OWN when THAT finally launches sometime next year. As THE ENQUIRER reported previously Oprah's top execs had jumped ship sometime back and the start date of the new net pushed back repeatedly. According to UK tab London Express the Friends beauty is enthralled with the idea and salary is not a factor as she gets major residuals from the long running Friends and makes an estimated $5-7 million for rom-com movie. "She is doing this for one reason only; she absolutely wants to do it," a source "close to the deal" divulged.

This might be the greatest Jennifer Aniston post of all time, but that's really beside the point, because this talk show is gonna be a huge success. Aniston comes off equal parts catty, entitled, and hapless victim in every thing she appears in that doesn't require a script, so a chick who can't keep a man for longer than a Geico commercial dispensing advice to women everywhere is sure to be a ratings bonanza.

Bitter, scorned women everywhere are tossing their Haagen-Dazs in the air and high-fiving each other today, because The Daily Mail is reporting that Brad Pitt's relationship with Angelina Jolie is falling apart and to console himself, he's running back to Aniston.

Brad Pitt is said to have held a secret meeting with his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston during a recent trip to New York. The pair, who ended their five-year marriage in 2005, met up at a hotel in the city for an hour where Brad unloaded his emotional baggage, according to Grazia magazine. The Hollywood star allegedly told Aniston about his relationship problems with Angelina Jolie, whom he hooked up with after walking out on the Friends actress. It comes amid reports that Brad and Jennifer are in regular phone contact and - if true - their latest encounter marks their second private meeting together in the Big Apple this year. A source told Grazia that Jennifer agreed to visit Brad in his suite at the Essex House hotel, next to Central Park. 'She arrived at his hotel suite a matter of hours after they had spoken. Brad was unloading his emotional baggage on Jen, which isn't exactly fair considering their history.' But the source added: 'She was quick to tell him she wanted no part in his break-up with Angelina.' At first she was reported to be reluctant to meet with her former husband.
But the magazine alleges Brad got his mother Jane - who is famously still close to Jen - to persuade her to meet with him and give some advice. It comes amid claims that his four-year relationship with Angelina has hit the rocks.

To reiterate, Brad Pitt has been banging Angelina Jolie for four years. Angelina. Jolie. I'm surprised his penis didn't walk in that room and take a hostage. And I can't speak for lonely women, but taking back the guy who cheated on you is kinda pathetic. Even if he is an A-list actor or has a fancy job at Nortel. Ooh la la.

While on set of her new movie with Gerard Butler, The Bounty, Jennifer Aniston was caught crying in her trailer. And you'll never guess why!! I was so shocked!!! New York Post reports:

The unlucky-in-love actress was late coming out of her trailer while filming "The Bounty" with Gerard Butler a few weeks ago. The source tells Page Six that when an assistant went to fetch Aniston, she was in tears, and said, "I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me." Aniston pulled herself together and managed to put on a smile when she eventually emerged from her trailer. The insider added, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile."

Due to their deep psychic and emotional love connection, Brad Pitt felt a disturbance in the soul of his one true love so he rushed to the set to console her and sweep her in his arms. And by that I mean he put his penis in Angelina Jolie:

Meanwhile, Pitt's looking to buy property surrounding his and Angelina Jolie's French estate, Chateau Miraval, to build an airport so the family can fly in and out unseen by paparazzi. Brangelina plunked down $60 million for the 1,000-acre estate in the South of France, which features 35 bedrooms, a vineyard, lake, forest and a moat. A source said, "One thing he loves about the estate is the privacy it affords. Nobody can get near it. So with Angelina completing her pilot's license, their own airstrip would give them total freedom to come and go."

My dentist reads this site, and some of the ladies in his office are gonna give me hell for this next week, but seriously Jennifer. Get over it. It's been four years. Shark attack victims have a faster recovery time than you. Every time I get a chick pregnant then tell her that I'm going to the store to get some bread then don't come back, it reminds me of my dad. But you don't see me crying about it.

I think Jennifer Aniston really needs to ask Propecia the Crack Ho how to get over this (NSFW language):



Jennifer Aniston at the premiere of her newest blockbuster, Love Happens. Wait, $9M in five days is a blockbuster, right? Oh, wait. :

Although a Geico commercial lasts longer that her relationships and the fact that she insists on whining in every interview she does about the man who left her over four years ago, Jennifer Aniston tells Harper's Bazaar that she "still believes in love". Awwww. NYDN reports:

"I'm still a romantic," she said. And though the "Love Happens" star has yet to land hubby number two since her split with Brad Pitt, she told the mag she's learned what makes a relationship, well, fail. "I think it's laziness," she said to the mag's October issue. "I think a good relationship is about collaboration. I think you just need to talk to each other. Say what you need. Say what you want. That way it's not threatening. You just need to say, 'This is important to me.' Don't expect your mate to read your mind." "I think that's because it's just instinctual as a woman to be the caretaker of your home. Women complain that men don't do enough, but it's your own fault," she said. "You train your man to do nothing. You can't blame someone for not knowing what his or her job should be if you don't ask for it right off the bat."

Man, I can't understand why it's so hard for this chick to keep a man. Especially since whenever she has a first date her and Cesar Milan use calm assertive energy to tell you that everything you're doing is wrong and that you better straighten the fuck up because this 40 year old chick in the Angelina Jolie mask is the pack leader so you better do what she says or you won't be able to spend your nights listening to Tori Amos while she cries to her Brad Pitt doll. Sign me up!!

Jennifer Aniston and Tina Fey were friends. Tina Fey's 30 Rock is one of the funniest shows on television. Jennifer Aniston is a bad actress. Out of the kindness of her heart and as a favor to her friend, Tina Fey asked Jennifer Aniston to guest star. Jennifer Aniston was just nominated for an Emmy for her guest appearance. Tina Fey was also nominated. Guess who Jennifer Aniston isn't speaking to now? Radar reports:

Tellingly, Jen didn't call Tina to congratulate her on the nomination - and insiders say their friendship has been strained by the competition. "Jen was so excited to be nominated, she's been talking about it for months," an insider tells radaronline. "But she's really disappointed to be going up against Tina. She realizes it's going to be near to impossible to win now. "Jen doesn't deal with competition well, she likes to be the top dog. She's not happy that Tina is likely to out shine her on the night. "Jen and Tina used to be really good friends, they used to talk at least every week, but now they hardly talk at all. "Tina hasn't got a problem at all with being up against Jen but she is kind of put out by Jen's attitude towards her now. "She just can't understand why Jen would be giving her the cold shoulder over something so trivial."

Jesus, get over yourself bitch. Mariane Pearl had a faster recovering time than you. Your movies suck, your husband left you for the hottest woman on Earth, and you can't keep a man longer than five minutes. The only thing you should be winning is a free oil change.