It looks like the Affleck clan is soon to be one more as this morning Ben Affleck did his best to clandestinely sneak Jennifer Garner to Ceders-Sinai in Beverly Hills. Some people say the pregnant body is a beautiful thing, and maybe it’s just my inability to reproduce, but I hesitate using the word “beautiful” to describe anything that involves a lot of swelling. Swelling with love and procreation, but still swelling. That’s the opinion that ensures I’ll never have children and – at the rate things are going – never touch a woman again.

Once again, Ben Affleck barely bests me. Curse you Affleck!

Steven Burky, the man who has been stalking actress Jennifer Garner since 2002, now has had a permanent restraining order placed against him. Burky, who writes a blog called, Satanic Panic, and who once showed up at Garner's house to tell her about his dream of her being killed, is now under a 5150 psychiatric hold. TMZ reports:

"Garner's lawyer, Blair Berk, just appeared in downtown L.A. court and got an order against Steven Burky, prohibiting him from having contact with Garner for three years. Law enforcement tells us Berky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold. Under the permanent order, Burky must stay 100 yards away from Garner, Ben Affleck, daughter Violet, the nanny, housekeeper, and others. He can't go near her home, the kid's school or her workplace."

Wow, this guy is pretty smooth. In his letters, he paints a romantic picture of love and dreams and undying passion. However, not in his letters, the Thai hooker on his couch with the cut out picture of Jennifer Garner's face is in fact dead, and he's finding it increasingly difficult to masturbate and pause Alias at the same time.


Photos: Splash

Ted Casablanca has been pulling shit out of a hat for a while now, so instead of being on the brink of divorce, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting a new baby. US Magazine reports:

Garner's former Alias co-star Victor Garber confirms to Usmagazine.com. "Yes, she is," Garber, who currently stars on ABC's Eli Stone, told Us when asked if recent speculation was true that the couple is expecting. (Garber officiated the couple's 2005 wedding.) A source adds, "She is five months pregnant. They are very happy."

Violet Affleck might not have been cute enough to be a Gerber baby, but every time you see her she looks incredibly happy, so say what you want about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, but they seem to be great parents unlike most of the idiots in Hollywood. If Paris Hilton had a baby, in six months I'd fully expect it to be found in a diaper crawling on a suspended beam at a construction site or stuck in a bear trap.

E!'s The Awful Truth is reporting that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner may be on the verge of divorce.

Terribly unfortunate scuttlebutt has come my way. Sources insist to me that Jennifer Garner is considering splitting up from her hubby, Ben Affleck. Say it ain't so, baby-cakes! Nevertheless, waiting on comment now from both parties. Could this be the reason Jen and Ben are always seen cooing over adorable daughter Violet separately, rarely as one happy family unit? Perhaps. And certainly, those who know the former Alias star well insist Ben's mama has never particularly cared for the gal who broke Michael Vartan's heart to hook up with Benny-Boy in the first place. Waiting on official PR responses to that little familial naughty nugget as, well, for what it's worth."

Ted Casablanca is gay, so I don't know if I should believe this. It's a known fact that gays are liars. Why, just today at the pool one told me that my cowboy boots weren't meant to be worn with swimming trunks. Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, buddy.

The happy couple on June 18th:

Rumors about Tom Cruise using his celebrity status and Scientology to find and audition potential wives have been around for a while now. As we previously posted here, Jennifer Garner was Tom's first choice, and according to a high-ranking Scientology official, Katie Holmes was his last. PageSix.com reports:

...ex-Scientologist Marc Headley, abso-Xenu-lutely! Marc, who used to produce promotional films for the religion, spoke to Britain's News of the World and said that following Tom's split from Penelope Cruz in 2004, the megastar told his BFF (and head of Scientology) David Miscavige that he was having trouble meeting women. So the church sent out a casting call that said, "There's an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition." There were of course restrictions: You had to be single, pretty and in your twenties. While a few female Scientologists were rounded up - Traffic's Erika Christensen and CSI: Miami's Sofia Milos - they were all rejected as Tom focused his attention on bigger stars. "They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order," Marc says. "Jennifer and Jessica didn't bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood, she freaked out and didn't do a tape..."

Tom Cruise jumped on a couch on national television for the 3rd runner up, so I can only imagine what he would've done on Oprah if Scarlett Johansson would have said yes. I don't want to speak for Tom, but I'm pretty sure his head would have exploded at some point.

Tom and Katie out to dinner with Forest Whitaker last week:


Larger versions of the banner pictures here, here, and here.

I'm not even going to pretend that I know what Gary Busey was high on last night. At this point, it's hard to know why he's even allowed through security at these things anymore. He's fucking crazy. If they really wanted him to attend they should have put him in a cage and wheeled him down the red carpet. That way he couldn't do things like, I don't know, barge in on interviews, ramble incoherently, and molest Jennifer Garner. You could make a strong case that this video could be submitted as Exhibit A for that. You could also make a strong case that this video could be the darkhorse favorite for "Best Achievement in Two Actresses I Was Unaware I Wanted A Threesome With Until Now". Could they take home the gold? Find out live on ABC!

It's long been rumored that Katie Holmes was the last girl on a long list of girls Tom Cruise tried to recruit to be his wife; a list of young female celebrites which included Scarlett Johansson. Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography (aka, "the greatest book ever"), is now claiming that after his divorce from Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise reportedly also had his sights on Jennifer Garner. Us Magazine reports:

[Author Andrew] Morton writes that Cruise left messages on the Alias star's voice mail in 2004 asking "if she knew what freedom was," but his advances were rebuffed."

Jennifer Garner must be some kind of emotionless cyborg because I'm not sure how she managed to keep her panties on after that. Tom Cruise is a smooth operator who makes his own rules in this game. What woman can deny his charms? What woman can refuse his sheer sexual power? What woman can resist being hooked up to an electronic device to measure memories put there by dead aliens? Good luck finding one, my friends.

E! Online is reporting Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck had their baby last night whom they named Violet. Which is surprisingly tame compared to other crazy celebrity baby names.

The shade of purple also happens to be the name of the baby girl born to Garner, E! News has learned. The child made her debut at a Los Angeles hospital after labor was induced Wednesday night, Us Weekly reported Thursday. 'Ben was with her the entire time,' a source told the magazine. The child is the first for both. Affleck, 33, and Garner, 34, wed June 29, almost two months after their expectant news was leaked.

Congrats, people. And, Kevin Smith, I know you're out there. Step away from the baby. Don't go casting her in any of your crappy movies and ruining her career before it even starts. To be fair, Clerks was good for about 5 minutes and Good Will Hunting doesn't count. You were only "co-executive producer", so you didn't have enough power to ruin it with your fancy ruining movies powers.