This is how Lifetime movies get made. Bossip reports:

While staying with their famous father recently, Marc and Jennifer’s 3-year-old twins, Emme and Max, referred to J.Lo’s 24- year-old backup dancer beau, Casper Smart, as “Daddy Casper,” say sources. An enraged Marc immediately called Jennifer and blasted her, telling her that if she didn’t fix the situation pronto, he was going to let the kids call HIS new girlfriend, 24-year-old Venezuelan model Shannon De Lima, “Mommy Shannon”! “Marc couldn’t believe his ears when he heard Emme and Max utter the words ‘Daddy Casper’ during a recent visit,” revealed an insider. “He thinks Casper is nothing more than a young fling to make Jennifer feel better about herself after the divorce. “Marc mockingly told Jennifer that if Casper wants to be called ‘Daddy,’ he needs to start acting like it and pay some of their children’s expenses instead of just sponging off of her! “Jennifer freaked out and told Marc he was childish, but she promised to correct the situation.”

Poor Max and Emme. Because of their bitch mom, they have no idea who their father is. Is it the wigger one? Is it the dead one? They don't know. Hopefully they'll find a dragon scale in their bedroom then wish with all their heart so they can escape all this and fly with dragons in a land apart. Come along, take my hand. Let's all go to Dragon Land.

UPGRADE. Radar Online reports:

Marc Anthony is taking a page right out of his soon-to-be-ex-wife’s book, hooking up with a 24-year-old hottie, and RadarOnline.com has the photo of him with his gorgeous new girl. Jennifer Lopez’s ex posted a picture of him kissing sexy Venezuelan model Shannon de Lima on his Facebook page, and the two have been Tweeting up a love storm to each other. Marc wrote in Spanish to Shannon “To my @Shadelima my statue of liberty. Kisses, baby.”

Marc Anthony looks like the mummified corpse of Marc Anthony, but he's a rich, famous, salsa singer or something who has a line of velvet blazers at Kohl's, so he gets to bang 24-year old Venezuelan model pussy. While that 24-year old Mexican dancer dude named Casper is banging Marc Anthony's 42-year old leftovers whose panties get wet for Fiat unless she actually has to drive one in the Bronx. What a touching love story all this turned out to be.

Alanis Morrisette was there for some reason. She's Canadian and not that relevant anymore, but she used to bang Ryan Reynolds for a long time, so she gets a pass.


It almost makes sense that Audrina Patridge showed up, because her story line in The Hills involved her pretending to work for a record label and staring at the ceiling a lot.


Heidi Klum is still taking one for the team and banging Seal. She can do what she wants.


Jenny McCarthy has no discernible talent when she wears dresses like this. Al Qaeda: 2


Katherine Heigl took a break from making shitty movies and complaining about how hard it is to stand on an 'X' and recite lines that someone else wrote for her to remind us that she exists. Al Qaeda: 3


I guess craft services had churros.


Katy Perry won a special achievement award for being the first female artist to have five number 1 singles from a single album despite sounding like a cat being skinned every time she opens her mouth. Al Qaeda: 4

Jennifer Lopez attended the 2011 Glamour Women of The Year Awards in New York City yesterday, where apparently it was 1997 Night.

Jennifer Lopez broke down crying onstage this weekend. Radar Online reports:

Jennifer Lopez let her emotions and her tears flow while singing about love Saturday night. During her headlining performance at the Mohegan Sun Arena's 15th anniversary celebration, she broke down in tears and ran offstage sobbing. After an acoustic performance of If You Had My Love, Jennifer addressed the audience, telling the packed house it was "the first song I wrote about love." Visibly distressed, she then added, "what is love? As the last song I wrote about love...a lot has changed since then." As she sang, pairs of dancers appeared in spotlights around her. One couple had a P. Diddy look-alike with the female dancer wearing a copy of her infamous slit-down-to-the navel Versace gown. Another had the male dancer mimicking Cris Judd with the girl in jeans and a T-shirt, while another pair had the girl wearing a seafoam green gown on the arm of a Ben Affleck double. Most telling was the dancing couple who recreated Lopez and Marc Anthony during their sizzling American Idol performance last May, just weeks before they announced their split. "At the end of the song she started sobbing and had to take a few moments to keep it together," an onlooker told RadarOnline.com exclusively. "She held it together for one song but then ran offstage crying. "She only sang a few more songs and she was obviously out of it. Everyone was so sad for her. It was really dramatic."

Maybe she's upset because they left her first husband (you know, the waiter with the sex tape and dreams of Playgirl?) and the rapistguy she cheated on Marc Anthony with out. Who cares? Jennifer Lopez has no discernible talent save for a huge ass. The only people who should be crying in this story are the ones who had to hear her sing live.

So of course that means they're dating now. People reports:

Bradley Cooper just can't stop the rumor mill....The Hangover star is generating the most talk because of his dinner companion this weekend. She was no other than the recently available Jennifer Lopez. Although the Internet lit up with reports of a budding romance between Cooper, 37, and Lopez, 42, a source tells PEOPLE that the dinner Saturday at the New York restaurant Per Se was all business. The pair, according to the source, are "in discussions regarding a project."

Bradley Cooper married actress Jennifer Esposito in late 2006. In May 2007, she filed for divorce. He then dated blonde Chinese actress, Renee Zellwegger. He also starred in a movie called Midnight Meat Train. He also speaks fluent French. I'm not saying that all of this makes him gay, but I think the "discussions regarding a project" involved exciting new nail polish colors at some point.

You don't say. Radar Online reports:

Marc Anthony, in his first interview since splitting with Jennifer Lopez earlier this summer, laughed off a series of tabloid rumors implying he slept around on his beautiful ex. "It was a flight attendant, it was the pilot -- I heard it was this guy sitting next to me in a rehab in Houston. I've heard it all," Anthony joked to ABC’s John Quinones about the myriad of rumors that have cropped up, attempting to explain why the celebrity marriage didn't last. "People are trying to peg it on things because it was so shocking. “It was like, it must have been something,” Anthony, 42, said in a preview of Thursday’s Nightline interview that aired on Good Morning America. “It wasn't something sensationalistic." The I Need To Know singer told Quinones that the split was relatively drama-free, as both he and J.Lo knew it just wasn't meant-to-be. “It was a realization on both our parts," he said. "It wasn't shocking. These things happen. It's a decision that we made jointly. And that's how I'll answer that."

Marc Anthony probably didn't cheat, but not because he didn't want to--because he couldn't. I don't care how loaded he is. If I saw that in a bar, my first instincts would be to keep him as far from water as possible and to kill whoever fed him after midnight.

In case you're wondering why Playgirl never really took off, TMZ explains further.

He was Jennifer Lopez' first husband ... her first divorce -- and now, nearly 15 years later, he's a few signatures away from becoming J.Lo's first ex to whip it out for Playgirl magazine. A rep for the adult rag tells TMZ, it's true ... Ojani Noa and Playgirl are currently hammering out a deal for J.Lo's first ex to appear in the magazine -- but ONLY if he agrees to go full-frontal. And as long as Playgirl ponies up, that shouldn't be a problem -- Ojani tells us, "If the money is right, especially for full nude, then I would be flattered to pose for Playgirl."

I know Todd will probably be surprised at this, but I won't be picking this up. Listen, sometimes when I'm drunk, I do things (read: "Hispanic men") that I regret, but all the Jameson and gin in the world won't make me want to see the lovechild of Gerardo and Groucho Marx naked.