I really hope Jennifer Lopez didn't mix her Cenestin up with her Boniva last night, because when she was performing her new bargain bin single, Louboutins, at the 2009 American Music Awards and fell on her ass. That had to be embarrassing. Especially since her backup dancers had to do three cycles of P90X to lift her up. Man, did anybody do anything that resembled an actual performance last night? The producers could have had an elephant in a propeller hat riding a tricycle and it would be, at worst, the second best thing you saw all night.

Who in the hell knows why, but Jennifer Lopez has a new album coming out and this is her first single, Louboutins. Yes, the shoes. She's singing a song about shoes. I have no idea who told her this was a good idea, but a 40-year old Puerto Rican lady singing about how she's gonna walk out on her man in designer shoes doesn't make much sense to me. If this was called "Are you gellin?'" or "Dr. Scholl's® Liquid Corn/Callus Removers" I think this song might resonate more with the only people who listen to this crap whenever they have one of their parades.

I just downloaded GIMP's new time machine plug-in, so I was able to find some pictures of what Jennifer Lopez wished she looked like now:

Diva bitch Jennifer Lopez is reportedly trying to stop the release of an 11-hour tape shot by her first husband Ojani Noa 12 years ago. National Enquirer reports:

The ENQUIRER viewed the bombshell 11-hour tape that J.Lo doesn't want anyone to see - and we have all the details. The tape includes footage of the beauty playing sexy bedroom games with first husband Ojani Noa, 35, a Cuban-born waiter she married 12 years ago. In one sizzling scene, J.Lo is looking at herself in a bathroom mirror, wearing only a bra and panties - and showing off her famous butt. Sources say the star is embarrassed by the planned release of the image-shattering tape. The 40-year-old is the mother of 20-month-old twins with third husband Marc Anthony, 41, and projects a sexy but wholesome image. But that's not the naughty Jennifer seen on the tape - in skimpy underwear being chased around the bedroom by Noa, who playfully spanks her. In another eye-popping shot, a clearly immodest J.Lo laughs as the camera catches her climbing onto a motorcycle wearing a short dress and no panties.

Jennifer Lopez owes her career to Auto-tune and a comically oversized ass, so why is she is upset about some tape? Her music and movies suck and nobody gives a shit about her anymore so why not get some publicity over the only thing anybody cares about? Like my anal sex tape with Betty Rubble. It's pretty big in Germany right now.

As you might have already guessed, the 2009 MTV VMAs were last night and since I'm not a 14-year old cutter with bangles and daddy didn't love me hair, I missed it. Sorry about that. Mostly because I was wondering if Jake Delhomme would be a better quarterback with both of his arms chopped off. Hey, we gotta try something!

Some people who were there:

Jennifer Lopez was in Capri this weekend and I don't know what circus bear she stole that bikini from, but if she could cover that shit up that would be great. Look, I have nothing against a nice ass, my ex-girlfriend's ass was like 20% of her bodyweight, but every time she wore a bikini she didn't really need Dr. Manhattan to bend the laws of physics to hold the elastic in place.

This was the most exciting meeting of the Medina City Council ever. [BestWeekEver]

Lady GaGa does his/her best to eradicate the need for pants on The View. Site NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]

Jennifer Lopez is meeting with her manager, which means sometime in the near future my eyes and/or ears will spontaneously start to bleed. [LaineyGossip]

Sienna Miller was hurt during a catfight on the set of GI Joe. [ImNotObsessed]

If you didn't see Watchmen, but you do want to see Malin Akerman's nipples as she has sex in the Owl Ship, this link is for you. [Egotastic]

Kristin Stewart is going to stop making Twilight movies for long enough to ruin the memory of Joan Jett. [ICYDK]

Pam Anderson is on the beach, which I would have been WAY more into 5 years ago. Site NSFW [DrunkenStepfather]

J.Lo does Inauguration as only JLo can, in a gaudy way. [LaineyGossip]

Award for my bad: Marisa Miller nipple slip. [Egotastic]

Busted-ass celeb of the day? Eva Longoria and her poor hat choice. [HollywoodTuna]

Get the F*CK out of Julia Roberts' face. [SocialiteLife]

Kelly Osbourne was busted for assault [PinkIsTheNewBlog]

Suri Cruise seems to like New York. I would two if I was an alien hybrid. [CityRag]

Zhang Ziyi's boyfriend is ready to feel her up just about anywhere. And who can blame him? [Egotastic]

J.Lo and Marc Anthony are so outwardly affectionate, you might think they were married once. Wait. Still? [Seriously?OMG!WTF?]

Katie Holmes has only spent $14 million of Tom Cruise's money since moving to NYC. Probably like $1 million on food and $13 million in thetan removal. [DListed]

Brad Pitt want to share the secret of a good nappy-change. And, yes, he's talking about pooping babies. Which is joining his current lip-caterpillar in the "no good" column. [I'm Not Obsessed]

The Fresno Bee stole our Caption This picture, but failed to find a good caption. [BestWeekEver]

Madonna's daughter Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon wants to act! Step one: wax eyebrows. [Celebitchy]