Jenny McCarthy was in Miami Beach this weekend and while she was there she tweeted constantly about how the paparazzi were hounding her and not letting her relax. Which, of course, means she loved the attention and wanted everyone to know that people still give a shit about her. When she's not killing children with her reactionary, completely insane ramblings about Autism sheHOLY SHIT LOOK AT HER TITS! Sorry. I got sidetracked for a second there.

After dating for almost five years, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy broke up in April. And even though she's a lunatic whose medical advice causes children to die of measles, to reiterate, she's Jenny McCarthy. It wasn't going to take long before her needs would be filled horizontally by somebody else. And that somebody else is 35-year-old "Las Vegas hunk" Jason Toohey. Long story short, Jim carrey might kill himself.

...pals fear the funnyman’s downward spiral may prompt a return of the condition that once forced him into treatment for mental health problems. “Jim isn’t himself these days – and he hasn’t been ever since he and Jenny split,” a close friend told The ENQUIRER. “But finding out she has already moved in with a guy has just sent him reeling.”...A devastated Jim has been acting strangely, say sources — and he has posted weird messages on Twitter recently. Not long after splitting with Jenny, he Tweeted the word “boing” 40 times. Then he attacked Tiger Woods’ wife in another post, claiming she must have known about her husband’s affairs. “That was the manic Jim acting out,” says the friend. “He isn’t happy.”

Obama doesn't need to step in for factories to make more vagina, so I'm not really sure what his problem is right now. Snap out of it, dude. You're Jim Carrey. You could turn over a casket then set it on fire, and still fuck every chick at a funeral.

When she's not claiming to have cured a neural development disorder and not taking responsibility for increased cases of measles and whooping cough in American children, Jenny McCarthy used her non-existent medical degree and went to the Midsummer Night's Dream party in Vegas this weekend. I remember a time when I would have shot an austistic kid to bang Jenny McCarthy, but then again, I was blowing in my Nintendo cartridges at the same time. I'm not saying she's starting to look old (the body is sick), but if your face looks like something somebody in The Joker's gang would wear to rob a bank, your tits might need to be a little bigger than this. And be able to accurately predict powerball numbers. And have wi-fi. And maybe a continental breakfast. And other things I can't think of right now.

In what would have been the best thing on Twitpic today in 1993, Jenny McCarthy posted this pic of herself in a bikini with some disinterested dog. She's still getting it done at 37, but I think the dog also knows she's batshit crazy. I don't care how big your tits are, you can't cure autism with B12 and by being really mean to wheat.

After dating for five years, Jim Carrey announced last night on Twitter that he and Jenny McCarthy have broken up.

Jenny and I have just ended our 5yr relationship. I'm grateful 4 the many blessings we've shared and I wish her the very best! S'okay! ?;^>

Although not naked, Jenny McCarthy also shared her thoughts on the breakup.

I’ m so grateful for the years Jim and I had together. I will stay committed to Jane and will always keep Jim as a leading man in my heart.

It's hard to imagine why these two broke up. One possibility is that Jim woke up and realized he was dating a chick who got famous for being naked and making fart jokes who now fights 100 years of medical science and autism research with voodoo and card tricks or whatever the hell she does. I've had bigger tits in my mouth before, so I'd be comfortable in laying a crayon trail for her son to a doctor in his network.

When I heard "Leather and Lace" party, I think I got all overly excited and had to change out my Spongebob Boxers for the ones with a bow over the fly that say "This Package Is For You."

And although Kim Kardashian, Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra were attending, there was a disturbing lack of: 1) Leather, 2) Lace, 3) A logical reason for me to wear my fancy underpants.

When I went to bed, looking at the mirror I have installed on the ceiling, I read my own underoos: "This Package Is For You." Then, I cried myself to sleep.

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are in Hawaii right now, and I think I speak for everyone when I say Jenny McCarthy looks absolutely fantastic. I don't want to brag, but so do my new batch of lemon cookies! What can I say? Jim Carrey and I are just living the dream!

Jennifer Garner is still pregnant [Popsugar]
Danielle Lloyd's juicy bikini pictures [Hollywood Tuna]
Angelina Jolie's kids have new hair [Dlisted]
Mary-Kate Olsen's garbage bag kid fashion [Hollywood Rag]
Eva Mendes is wearing somebody's curtains [Just Jared]
Jessica Simpson is going to make Tony Romo's house ugly [Lainey Gossip]
Rihanna's boring video shoot (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Paris Hilton's wonky eye rolls on [City Rag]
Blake Lively in tight jeans part 8 [Popoholic]
More of Ali Larter at the beach [Egotastic]
Michelle Rodriguez is back from the dead [ASL]
Olivia Munn's personal bikini pic (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]

Jenny McCarthy and her nipples on August 23rd: