Jeremy Piven walked around LA yesterday with his three Emmys in a stroller and some kind of baby carrying thing. It's like Sacajawea but with way more narcissism and hair plugs.

Jessica Simpson shot a cameo for Entourage on Tuesday, and of course, gold-medalist horndog Jeremy Piven was making everyone uncomfortable.

"In between takes, he was staring at Jessica's ass in the most obvious of ways," a witness tells UsMagazine.com. "He wasn't being sly about it and would just watch her every move. He flirts with ugly girls, so you can imagine how crazy for Jessica Simpson he was. She almost seemed like she couldn't wait to change into her jeans, but she was a good sport about it and kind of laughed it off."

I'm not sure if "He flirts with ugly girls, so you can imagine how crazy for Jessica Simpson he was" is a compliment or not, but Jessica Simpson's ass looks like it should be complimenting a steak and a side of asparagus tips. It's unclear how staring at bowl of mash potatoes is sexy, but whatever. Who am I, an Iron Chef all of a sudden?

Lindsay Lohan as Madonna, Alicia Keys as Michelle Obama, it's a sneak peak at Glamour's Icons series filled with non-icons. [BadAndUgly]

Who is the dick that leaves a glossy of themselves as a tip? Answer: Jeremy Piven. [CelebSmackBlog]

Lily Allen eats ribs in bed, which might be the only thing Lily Allen does that I approve of. Site NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]

Tina Fey is Bon Jovi's private dancer. A dancer for money. [VideoGum]

Miley Cyrus is shocked that Radiohead would snub her. [LaineyGossip]

Someone needs to just kill Brian Austin Green if he and Megan Fox are really going to get back together. [ICYDK]

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden might be gettin' hitched, because before your second kid is born is the best time for that. It's not like Nicole is going to get another guy with mom tits. [ImNotObsessed]

If I were Pete Wentz, I'd totally do my wife in the butt. I want to do Ashlee Simpson in the butt without being Pete Wentz. [IDon'tWantYourLife]

There are 1,000 things - including the above links - I care about more than J.Lo suing stroller companies. [FatBackMedia]

Jeremy Piven is currently in Bangkok undergoing treatment for mercury poisoning, and no matter how ridiculous that just sounded, he currently has a new girlfriend - 23 year old bottle waitress and ex-model, Ashley Chontos. The pair met at Britney Spears' 27th birthday party earlier this month and it was love at first sight. And when I say "love at first sight", I mean whatever means the exact opposite of that. Gatecrasher reports:

Despite Piven's obvious interest, an insider tells us that the ex-Choice Model was actually runnerup for the actor's affections. "Jeremy met several girls at Britney's birthday party," the source says. "He was really interested in a model who happens to be Ashley's direct competition, but he was so insistent in his pursuit that he freaked her out. She stopped returning his calls, so he settled for Ashley in the long run." Says another source: "He's a numbers boy. He gathers up girls' numbers when he's out. That night, he sent out a mass text to everyone he'd met, saying, 'Come to my room - whoever responds first gets me for the night.'"

Piven is a massive prick and a notorious horndog, so it really shouldn't come as a shock to think that he would believe a good game would be anything with him as a prize at the end. Although I have to admit, the "fire enough and something will eventually hit" tactic is pretty effective. It works particularly well in games of capture the flag or if you're trying avoid landmines in Cambodia.

Ashley Chontos:

Meadow Soprano woke up this morning and got herself a Turtle. Not to be gross, but ... okay, yes this is gross, but a friend of ours always says, "I've got a peeking turtle!" when he needs to take a dump. For some reason this guy waits until the last second to poop and then waits until it's skidding and marking to go, and asks where the bathroom is again just so he can dance around laughing with his hand on his chode and say for the hundredth time, "Where's the bathroom, I've got a peeking turtle?!?!" He's normally funny, but not when he does that.

(The term, peeking turtle, is supposed to make you visualize a turtle's head creeping from its shell. Get it?)

So anyway, whenever I watch that boring show, Entourage, and hear the name "Turtle" and see this little dude, Jerry Ferrara, I think of my friend and his poop.

Jerry Ferrara and Jamie-Lynn Sigler are dating in real life, by the way:


Photos: Splash

Page Six reports that Jeremy Piven is basically stalking Dita Von Teese:

The "Entourage" star picked out two black satin, sequined mini-dresses from the Be Seduced line for a woman he told a swag-suite clerk he had a crush on. But as he browsed at Kari Feinstein's suite at Social Hollywood in LA last week, he was forced to come clean about the identity of his "brunette and curvy" lady friend because he didn't know her size. He finally told the clerk the dresses were for Von Teese, the burlesque-dancing ex-wife of Marilyn Manson. "He said he likes her, but it's not official yet," the employee told Page Six. Piven's rep said the duo are "not dating. He's busy shooting a movie." But apparently he's not too busy to flirt. Von Teese's lawyer, Keith Fink, told us Piven has seen her performance and he shyly said hello to her when he ran into her at an LA newsstand right before he bought the dresses. "She is single, and she's not dating, so he should step up to the plate because there's a lot of guys interested," said Fink."

Wait, Jeremy Piven stared at the ground and mumbled hello to Dita Von Teese after he "ran into" her on the street, then he bought her some dresses? Um, ok. Yeah. Because nothing says "I'm not creepy" like picking out clothes for your imaginary girlfriend. I wonder if this happened before or after he broke into her house and masturbated in her panty drawer. Probably before. From what people tell me, masturbating can make you pretty lazy.

NSFW Dita Von Teese: