The Amanda Knox trial or a cat getting thrown into a fireplace is funnier than anything on SNL, but apparently this weekend Andy Samberg had a digital short called, "I Just Had Sex". And it had cameos by Blake Lively and Jessica Alba. I laughed harder when I broke my tibula that one time, but at least this has Blake Lively and Jessica Alba seemingly disappointed in having sex with two nerdy white dudes. So, yeah, I guess there's that.

Blake Lively and her painful looking implants:



Jessica Alba and her comfortable looking ass:

Based on things I read on the Internet, Germans incinerate Jews and worship David Hasselhoff, so it's unclear how they will react to the November issue of German FHM. Mostly because Jessica Alba is a Latina actress who had a kid with the black guy from Hill Street Blues' son. But I hope they're okay. If you can jack off to a smokestack and a talking 1982 Pontiac Trans Am (*), I'm sure you can find it in your heart to jack off to this.

(*) This also applies to people from New Jersey

Based on things I read on the Internet, Germans incinerate Jews and worship David Hasselhoff, so it's unclear how they will react to the November issue of German FHM. Mostly because Jessica Alba is a Latina actress who had a kid with the black guy from Hill Street Blues' son. But I hope they're okay. If you can jack off to a smokestack and a talking 1982 Pontiac Trans Am (*), I'm sure you can find it in your heart to jack off to this.

(*) This also applies to people from New Jersey

Granted, this wasn't the way I wanted to see Jessica Alba's naked rack, but I walked up and down that beach and I couldn't find a genie lamp, so I guess these pictures (NSFW) will have to do. I just wish I didn't feel so uncomfortable. I know that baby is watching me masturbate. Stop looking at me, baby! You think you're better than me, is that it?!


Note: These pictures have yet to be confirmed, but let's play the game where we pretend they have. I love that game!

Another note: If you're a recently unthawed cavemen or an alien sent to Earth to study our ways in preparation for the invasion, you may be unfamiliar with the Internet. So if you want to see the NSFW pictures, click on the banner pic. Hope that helps!

The secret code to enter Jessica Alba's vagina was discovered here, so here's more pics from her GQ shoot to further explain why I really need to pin her knees to her ears and pound her anus like a chicken cutlet. I swear to God, she could be half-eaten by a bear or just crawled out of lava and I'd still need those condoms that numb your penis.

Jessica Alba was interviewed in this month's British GQ magazine, and this might me too much information, but I might be hard. Splash reports:

Hollywood actress Jessica Alba said she believes every other actress out there is prettier than she is. The 29-year-old star admitted she is not confident in the way she looks and said she doesn't understand why she's a sex symbol. She said to British GQ magazine: "I don't get it. Every actress out there is more beautiful than me."She added: "Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Jessica Biel, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry, Jennifer Garner, Beyonce, you name it. All better-looking than me. I've seen them without make-up, so I know."

There's nothing, and I repeat nothing, better than a hot chick with the self-esteem of a wheelchair athlete with lupus and third-degree burns, so Jessica Alba can keep on believing this for the rest of her life. I thought I would have to kidnap her loved ones, but apparently all I have to do to bang her is tell her she doesn't look fat in her dress and my balls will get drained like my iPhone's battery. What's up with that, Steve Jobs? I shouldn't need a monkey running on a treadmill to play Bejeweled, you jackass.

Jessica Alba was one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood for years, then she had a kid, and well, it kinda all went down from there. She looked like a Mexican mother in a laundromat most of the time, then the calendar turned to August 2010. Police want to take all the credit, but is it a coincidence that I was editing these pictures of Jessica at the Machete premiere when the Discovery Channel Headquarters gunman was shot? I don't think so, my friends. I hope he appreciates the irony in being killed by semen being used as a weapon.

It's hard to tell if the photographer who took these pictures of Jessica Alba doing a photoshoot on a rooftop in LA woke up realizing how his day was gonna be, but the only way it could have turned out any better is if he got bit by a radioactive spider or found the Sword of Omens in a dumpster.