I appreciate that Jessica Biel is trying to show me her tits, but c'mon baby won't you show some class? Why you wanna move so fast?

Earlier this week, Jessica Biel went on and on about how she couldn't get a good acting role because she was too hot. Now, it also appears that fame is also a problem. Showbiz Spy says:

"It’s wonderful to do what I do, but everything that goes with it? It’s bizarre,” Biel tells Allure magazine. “The invasion of privacy is very tough. I am followed all day, every day. Going to the dentist, the cleaners. I guess I could look like s**t going to the dentist, but only if I didn’t care what I saw in the papers."

Let me preface this by saying that I really, really, really want to fuck Jessica Biel in the ass, but if she could stop talking for a minute that would be great. Look, sweetie, do you want a good acting role or do you not want to be famous? Make up your mind. Because if you're a hot actress in a remotely decent movie, chances are a dude who needed Rosetta Stone to find the directions to your house will be sleeping in his van for the sole purpose of taking your picture. But not like the one I took when I sneaked in your house and wrapped myself in your clothes then hid when you got home and waited until you fell asleep. I hate to brag, but that picture was very artistic. My use of color and light really brought out your ass' natural aesthetic.

It would be a bit of a stretch to call Jessica Biel an actress with her wooden line delivery and cyborg range of emotions, but according to her, that's not the reason she can't land a good role. Want to take a guess what it is? US Magazine reports:

"Yeah, it really is a problem," Biel tells the June issue of Allure magazine. "I have to be blunt."..."I'm in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference -- but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No." "I just want an opportunity. If you don't like the audition, don't hire me!" she says. "But if you don't want to even see me -- that's hurtful. And why? You know nothing about me!"

Yeah, that's it. Nevermind that Tilda Swinton is too ugly, but that isn't stopping her. You're too hot. That's why you can't get good acting roles. Much like Charlize Theron and Halle Berry. Or Angelina Jolie and Kate Winslet. All their movies go straight to DVD because, let's face it, Hollywood is afraid to hire beautiful women to star movies that they hope will make a lot of money. The American people are just too smart for that.

For all intents and purposes, my tongue would squegee Jessica Biel's ass like a damn windshield, but did I miss something? When did she become Puerto Rican? Does she have a pager and go to parades now, because she's like a 1,000 times darker compared to this time last month. I don't know what kind of industrial strength tanning solution she's using but it's pretty clear that after applying it, Step #2 involves laying under a space shuttle while it's launching or Superman flying you to the sun.

Note: Speaking of Superman, I thought I'd seen Smallville enough to know that Clark Kent didn't have an effeminate cousin who was apparently the president of the AV Club. Turns out I was wrong:

I feared this day would come: Both Jessica's being in the same place again.

Though look at that guy behind Biel, I bet he made great time staring at her ass while letting her draft him by taking the lead.

Jessica Biel and Jessica Alba were both on hand in New York for the EIF Revlon Annual Run/Walk for Women. And when they say "For Women" they mean "for woman's cancers."

The Prostate Cancer Annual beer chug/masturbation marathon will be coming up in about a week and a half, and I plan to raise money in the MM's Speed and Quantity categories.

When Alba and Biel are in the same place, I keep wishing that Biel had Alba's head and absolutely no personality. Like some sort of sex mannequin. Because I've been covering these two and their hot bodies for long enough to know that only one of them can do something that resembles "acting" and they both are kinda catty when they get tired.

Let's not kid ourselves into believing that Jessica Biel has ever been any sort actress. She's hot and hot chicks get to do cool things like launch a 1,000 ships and star in movies. Sometimes they're on DVD. Page Six reports:

JESSICA Biel -- one of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world -- has had bad luck with her latest movies, and hasn't been seen on the big screen since "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" two years ago. Not even scenes of Biel dancing topless as a stripper in "Powder" -- co-starring Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, Forest Whitaker and Lisa Kudrow -- could get the somber drama a theatrical release. "Powder" is going straight to DVD in June.

This manages to be simultaneously depressing and laughingly embarrassing, so hopefully Jessica wastes no time sinking into a spiral of doubt and despair. She's gonna cry when I stick it in her ass anyway, so I'd rather her be crying already so it doesn't get all weird.

You can see the NSFW screencaps of Biel in Powder Blue here, or you can click on the only pictures I post when the words "Jessica Biel" and "ass" are mentioned:

Partially back-lit Jessica Biel booty as she trains to be a stripper for Powder Blue? It gets the kick ass booty award for the week. I want to type it one more time: booty. [BadandUgly]

Awww. Is Wob Pattwinson too famows foe wuv? Boo hoo. [ImNotObsessed]

A Shrek-themed wedding is not flattering nor desirable. But at least now you know. [BWE]

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt took green screen promo photos for "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here" yesterday and I'm guessing you could use those shots to make your own horrible Heidi/Spencer internet memes. Please send them to us if you do. [JustJared]

Katherine Heigl and her mom got stuck in traffic due to road closures for the Depeche Mode concert in Hollywood. Her own...per-sonal...cri-sis... [ICKYDK]

Abigail Clancy shows us what a nip slip is supposed to look like. Site NSFW. [TaxiDriverMovie]

Salma Hayek is having a wedding party this weekend and her ex, Ed Norton, showed up. What a sport. [LaineyGossip]

Yeah, so Jessica Biel is in this movie called Powder Blue that was bouncing around in post production for forever. I think it also has Patrick Swayze in it, and he doesn't look like he's dying. You know, like he does now, so it had to be filmed awhile ago.

Anyway, some internet genius took screen captures of just the naked Jessica Biel parts, and I've taken these screen captures and loaded them into a gallery. Click the banner image to see 'em all. And all of Jessica Biel.

Don't say I never did anything for you guys on weekdays.