According to the comments on the Tom Hardy post yesterday, I'm a hateful homophobic who is living a lie as a secret homosexual because I don't fantasize about other guy's dongs in my mouth. So while you try to figure out that logic and while I try to avoid looking directly into the projection of the commenters, here is somebody I would actually like to fuck in the ass. Specifically, Jessica Biel at The A-Team premiere in Berlin. I know she doesn't have a prostate, but I think I'm secure enough in my masculinity to be okay with that.

Jessica Biel was in London yesterday in a see through dress to promote the totally unnecessary movie adaption of The A-Team. A dress that she may or may not have put on immediately after I banged her. There are more pictures, of course, like this one when she saw my penis. And this one of her imagining what sex with it would be like. And her imagining the house we would live in. And the kind of car I would drive. Then this one of her ready to cuddle. And this one of...uhhh, can somebody stop me please?

Here's Jessica Biel's hot ass in this month's issue of GQ China. In related news, I was in First China in Cary yesterday. My order ready in ten minute, no waiting!

I can't allow Hollywood to continue to murder my childhood, so haven't seen the A-Team yet, but if they could screen it for me on Jessica Biel's bare ass, I'd buy more tickets than your boyfriend did for the Nickelback concert. Seriously, what's up with that guy?

Jessica Biel and her ass attended the Los Angeles premiere of A-Team last night, and maybe if this movie was about her ass I might go watch it. Instead it's about an ex-Special Forces team who can't seem to figure out how to aim. Seriously, did anybody ever die on that show? I think the Care Bears killed more Viet Cong than the A-Team.

It's a little hard to see my imaginary wife have to promote something that flies in the face of everything my 3rd grade A-Team lunch box stood for, but she should have thought about that before somebody told her should could act. Because here's the thing, she can't. A legendary ass can take you far in life, but don't expect to be invited to the Oscars for anything other than walking the red carpet and turning around. Hiring Jessica Biel to act in your movie is like hiring Brittany Murphy to model your new lingerie line. Sure, she may still be okay to do it, but don't tell me you've exhausted all of your options.

Science apparently discovered how to fuse denim to your body, because Jessica Biel walked around in New York yesterday with her perfect ass squeezed into the tightest jeans I have ever seen. I'm thinking about buying my penis a miner's hat, because I'm not even halfway joking when I say I would dig between those back pockets like her held precious diamonds. Then I would cum really fast, you see.

For some reason, I forgot to add Jessica Biel's hot ass (literally) to the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute Gala post, so I'm making up for that. Christ. Hummingbirds would send me hate mail for how fast I would lick this chick's vagina, so it's a little disappointing that she's still with Justin Timberlake. I'm close to recalibrating my cyborg werewolves to only attack dancing wiggers with buzzed down Jew fros, but I am patient. Soon, my sweet. Soon...