This is allegedly the first image of Jessica Biel as the stripper, Rose-Johnny, in the her upcoming movie, Power Blue. Being a subject matter expert on Jessica Biel, I can't get past the fact that the chick on the sofa has huge tits, so I can't really tell if it's her. Especially since Don Swayze insists on watching me masturbate. Thanks, Don, you jackass.

Jessica Biel's nude photoshoot for Gear Magazine in 2000 when she was 17 is stuff of erection legend, but now she says she regrets the decision. I myself, do not.

"That photoshoot was just a really bad decision on my part and I got myself involved with people who weren't thinking about me and were instead thinking about what kind of a story they could get out of it. I learned a whole lot from the experience, so it was definitely a blessing in disguise."

Meanwhile, back in reality, Jessica Biel actually did the photoshoot to get out of her 7th Heaven contract after she lost the starring role in American Beauty to Thora Birch (she blamed it on her then squeaky clean preacher's daughter image). So, hopefully, in a 2009 issue of Gear, she'll be washing a car with nothing but a thong and a pouty face. Because, apparently, her image as an actress who can't act hasn't exactly been the rocketship to stardom she thought it would.

These are probably NSFW:

Ever since Jessica Biel started dating Justin Timberlake she's looked like a recent divorcee who lost her job at Sears and is contemplating mixing her wine with something from under the kitchen sink if it wasn't for the love of her cats and a response to her Craigslist ad. I don't know what that means, but I bet it seems it would be really unattractive. I guess it's because Timberlake is more comfortable when he's the prettier one because he secretly wishes Jessica were a man. Who knows? It's just sad that she was at a parking lot in Hollywood on Saturday and looked better than she's looked in months. She's in jeans and a ponytail, but there's no getting around those lips and that ass. Unless of course she had on a suit of armor or a Buzz Lightyear costume. Then we could only assume that was Justin's idea.

Nobody asked, but Britney Spears is recording tracks for her new album, and surprisingly, Justin Timberlake has agreed to do a duet with Spears. Well, not really a duet, Justin Timberlake will be actually singing and a magic computer will take whatever the hell Britney does and try to hide it in [insert African-American producer of the moment]'s beats. OK! says:

Britney Spears is getting a helping hand from an ex-flame. Superstar Justin Timberlake will record a duet for her new album, OK! reveals exclusively."

I know Britney fans will read this and think these two are back together, but sorry to break it to you. They're not. Justin Timberlake is hitting this, so I hope you aren't confused as to why he doesn't want to rekindle a romance with a fat, medicated mother of two who pays child support. You might also be confused as to why Jessica Biel is banging Justin Timberlake. Especially since she knows I want to mark her with my scent. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked, who can know it?

Britney out shopping this weekend:

Justin Timberlake's "best friend" and long-time "business partner," Trace Ayala, apparently thought to tell inTouch the gayest thing ever. inTouch Weekly reports:

Superstar Justin Timberlake doesn't hide anything from his longtime best friend, Trace Ayala. "I see the kid naked all the time, so if he is wearing a Speedo, I'm like 'Yeah! He actually has clothes on!" Trace, 27, tells In Touch about Justin donning a tiny, skintight bathing suit in his latest flick, The Love Guru.....Trace says he approves of the singer's girlfriend, Jessica Biel. "You know, I have never seen him with anyone like that - ever,"...Trace also told In Touch that Jessica helps the pair with their denim designs."

I'm not sure if you picked up on that, but when Justin Timberlake isn't prancing around naked in front this dude, they pass the time together by designing jean jackets on their Fashion Plates. I really hope Trace Ayala gave this interview in a mesh halter top and daisy dukes, because most fashion experts would agree that the occasion called for such a daring ensemble.

Justin and Jessica on June 10th:

Here's Jessica Biel at a Florida Marlins game this weekend wearing some sort of anti-hot cloaking device. That has to be it, because that's only way I can make sense of what's going on here.

Aww, dammit. The Sun reports:

I hear he will soon be proposing and has already started looking at potential wedding venues - or in his case, islands. The two have been dating since January last year and rumours are rife they may already be planning a family. One source said Jessica has not been drinking recently, sparking pregnancy rumours. They added: "Justin is 27 and thinking about marriage and kids. For the first time in his life he is feeling settled and has definitely decided to pop the question to Jessica. He is so happy with her. They spent quite a bit of time apart recently when Justin was working with Madonna. That made him certain Jessica was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with."..."Although Justin has lived his whole life in the public eye, he feels his wedding is the one day that should remain private. To get all his close friends and family to Mustique will cost a fortune. But he can't put a price on how he feels about Jessica."

Ah, I see. It appears that my pack of robot ninja werewolves must be recalibrated to attack wiggers with frosted hair. Game on, Timberlake. Game on.

Megan Fox took the #1 spot in this year's annual FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll. FOX News says:

The 21-year-old model-actress beat out the likes of Angelina Jolie (No. 12), Rihanna (No. 14), Kim Kardashian (No. 17), Paris Hilton (No. 77) and last year's champion, Jessica Alba (No. 3). Fox debuted on the annual list in 2006 at No. 68 and ranked at No. 65 in 2007. Joining her in the top 10 this year are - in descending order - Jessica Biel, Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johansson, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff, Tricia Helfer, Blake Lively and Kate Beckinsale. Britney Spears came in last place at No. 100."

FHM actually had me going there until I saw Britney Spears made the list. She should be coming in last place in the 40-yard dash, not on a list of chicks guys wanna bang. Is there some sort of shortage of hot women in Hollywood all of a sudden? They couldn't find one actress without meth scabs? Because the only thing hot about Britney is her oven. Ooh, look! Brownies!