Let's not kid ourselves into believing that Jessica Biel has ever been any sort actress. She's hot and hot chicks get to do cool things like launch a 1,000 ships and star in movies. Sometimes they're on DVD. Page Six reports:

JESSICA Biel -- one of the sexiest, most beautiful women in the world -- has had bad luck with her latest movies, and hasn't been seen on the big screen since "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" two years ago. Not even scenes of Biel dancing topless as a stripper in "Powder" -- co-starring Ray Liotta, Kris Kristofferson, Forest Whitaker and Lisa Kudrow -- could get the somber drama a theatrical release. "Powder" is going straight to DVD in June.

This manages to be simultaneously depressing and laughingly embarrassing, so hopefully Jessica wastes no time sinking into a spiral of doubt and despair. She's gonna cry when I stick it in her ass anyway, so I'd rather her be crying already so it doesn't get all weird.

You can see the NSFW screencaps of Biel in Powder Blue here, or you can click on the only pictures I post when the words "Jessica Biel" and "ass" are mentioned:

Partially back-lit Jessica Biel booty as she trains to be a stripper for Powder Blue? It gets the kick ass booty award for the week. I want to type it one more time: booty. [BadandUgly]

Awww. Is Wob Pattwinson too famows foe wuv? Boo hoo. [ImNotObsessed]

A Shrek-themed wedding is not flattering nor desirable. But at least now you know. [BWE]

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt took green screen promo photos for "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here" yesterday and I'm guessing you could use those shots to make your own horrible Heidi/Spencer internet memes. Please send them to us if you do. [JustJared]

Katherine Heigl and her mom got stuck in traffic due to road closures for the Depeche Mode concert in Hollywood. Her own...per-sonal...cri-sis... [ICKYDK]

Abigail Clancy shows us what a nip slip is supposed to look like. Site NSFW. [TaxiDriverMovie]

Salma Hayek is having a wedding party this weekend and her ex, Ed Norton, showed up. What a sport. [LaineyGossip]

Yeah, so Jessica Biel is in this movie called Powder Blue that was bouncing around in post production for forever. I think it also has Patrick Swayze in it, and he doesn't look like he's dying. You know, like he does now, so it had to be filmed awhile ago.

Anyway, some internet genius took screen captures of just the naked Jessica Biel parts, and I've taken these screen captures and loaded them into a gallery. Click the banner image to see 'em all. And all of Jessica Biel.

Don't say I never did anything for you guys on weekdays.

Jessica Biel's long awaited topless scenes in her new movie Powder Blue have been confirmed, so here is some behind the scenes video of her learning to be a stripper. Not to sound ungrateful or anything, but what kind of fuckin strip club is in this movie? Jessica Biel doesn't even have a C-section scar. This shit looks like Cirque De Soleil. This doesn't look like any strip cub I've ever been to. Instead of acrobatic moves and a fabric hammock, the Ukrainian stripper who jacked me off in a private room last week only had cold sores and bored indifference.

After dating for two years, Justin Timberlake and Jessica are allegedly on the verge of a breakup because Timberlake likes to flirt like a junior high girl. OK! Magazine reports:

"They aren't split yet, but they are having problems," a pal of Justin, 28, and Jessica, 27, tells OK!. “They’ve been fighting lately,” says another friend, adding that the main issue is JT’s incorrigibly roving eye. “Justin has always loved women – singing about them, looking at them, flirting with them. He can’t help it!” But does the "Sexy Back" singer know when to hit the brakes? “Jessica’s seen Justin flirt, but says it’s all in good fun,” the pal tells OK!. “But she has told him that if they get engaged, it’s got to end. Things seem a bit tense with them, but they’re trying to get past the rough patches."..."Justin asked one of his longtime best friends how much time he’d need to give Jessica if he asked her to move out of their New York City apartment without seeming like a jerk."

I don't know, this article seems to be trying too hard to convince me that Timberlake is into chicks. I mean, he dated Cameron Diaz, so you can see how I might be a little skeptical. But not about Bigfoot, though. I totally believe he's out there. Watching us...

Jessica Biel in a see through dress:



Why pictures of her famous Gear Magazine shoot? I hope you didn't say that out loud:

SNL and its lameness are legendary, so if you can suffer through to the 3:13 mark, you can see Jessica Biel as Jessica Rabbit. Damn, she's hot. I would wear her ass as a hat, so I may be a little biased here. But whatever. A lot of people think that because I talk about her so much. Because I'm pretty popular. Why just the other day, the elderly gentleman in front of Wal-Mart waved at me and asked how I was doing. He must have been the manager or something, because they only do that with VIP customers. That's right, ladies, you heard that. I'm a VIP.

UPDATE: I can't believe I'm typing this, but please, everyone knows it's a fake ass (here's the real one). Whoever you are, I appreciate your repeated attempts to let me know that, but dude, seriously. Chill. Put down the Red Bull and go hug a family member.

Hollywood Tuna found this picture of Jessica Biel presumably on the set of Texas Chainsaw Massacre back in 2002. This picture of Jessica Biel pretending to take it in the face from a sausage. I would type more but my penis just jumped off and started doing cartwheels in the front yard. brb.

Note: By the way, if you think her tongue is freakishly long, it's because it is. Damn, I'm in love.

Jessica Biel must be some kind of alien warrior princess sent to Earth to learn our ways and to prepare for the upcoming invasion, because as far as I can tell, she's not shaped like a 10-year old Asian boy and her stomach isn't curvy enough over her pants. It's obvious she's not an actual human woman, because as we all know, if a woman isn't struggling to breathe carrying her size 12 ass up a flight of stairs then she's anorexic. There's no in between. And this is what the aliens failed to understand. This is what they failed to plan for. This is what they have underestimated. So when the attack comes, and it will, we'll be coming for you Jessica. Oh yes, we'll be coming for you.



Note: Just to address any confusion in this thread, to reiterate, it's Jessica Biel we're talking about. I would pound her ass into a fine powder. Hope that clears everything up.