I don't know what the National Movie Awards are in London are, but now you do because Jessica Lowndes wore this dress. Man, how exciting! Stay tuned to IDLYITW for breaking news as it happens!

btw, "tucked in" is a euphemism for "having sex with her vagina". Just pointing that out.

Jessica Lowndes attended FHM's Sexiest Women in the World Launch Party held at Marlebone in London last night and left looking pretty sleepy (here she is awake). She's sleepy, yet still conscious and able to walk. Well, that was money well spent. You'd think somebody who sells an illegal drug to make it easier to date rape a woman would actually care about customer satisfaction and the quality of his product. This is totally unacceptable. Quite frankly, I'm thinking about writing him a stern letter.

Jessica Lowndes was at the Embassy Club in London last night where she wore some kind of see through thing. And was drunk. Look, I don't believe in rape, but...sorry. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Since he has a new movie out and the studio's life depends on the fact that he's seen as a leading man who doesn't giggle and get grossed out at the thought of vagina, it's time to play, "Hey, look! Jake Gyllenhaal is dating a chick whose name has never been mentioned in the same sentence as his before! No, seriously! He really likes girls we promise!" Popeater reports:

On the heels of his romance with America's sweetheart, Taylor Swift, Jake Gyllenhaal isn't wasting any time getting back into the dating pool -- or should we say, the kiddie pool. Gyllenhaal, 30, was recently spotted ordering eggs and a side of rebound at breakfast in New York with '90210' star Jessica Lowndes, 22, according to Us Weekly. After his breakfast date with Lowndes, Gyllenhaal also reportedly got cozy with a different young lady later that evening. Talk about playing the field...According to E! Online, Gyllenhaal's rep is denying his client's player ways, insisting that Gyllenhaal and Lowndes are "not dating." But the brunette beauty's rep replied with a simple "no comment."

Jessica and I had a brief imaginary sexual relationship recently, so I think I'm qualified to say that these two aren't having sex. She used to get all weird when I'd bring up anal. C'mon, why you gotta be like that, baby?

Jessica Lowndes attended a Maxim Super Bowl party and something called the Celebrity Beach Bowl while Todd was in Vegas celebrating his birth. For the sake of the children he wants to have with her, I hope his souvenirs can be cured with antibiotics. Kisses!

Unlike Sophia Bush below her (figuratively and on the honeymoon possibly literally), I don't need to pick out floral arrangements or book the Stable Courtyard & Gardens at the Biltmore for Jessica Lowndes. I just need to pick a position that won't make her cramp and a cab driver who doesn't mind cleaning up blood.

Somebody just told me that whether or not I believe God exists, I am living my life according to his well designed plan. Well, if his plan included me cumming twice while editing these pics of Jessica Lowndes, then I really want to sign up for a seminar. Anybody have any brochures about pricing?

By beloved Jessica Lowndes celebrated her 22nd birthday at Pure in Las Vegas this weekend, and I really hope she liked the cupcakes I made. I didn't, because apparently the recipe I found online didn't have enough ether. I reported them to the Better Business Bureau since obviously you can't trust anything you find on the Internet! Ugh! The nerve of some people!