It may have been the tater tot sausage cheese fudge burrito she had earlier that day, but Jessica Simpson busted ass in the middle of a business meeting earlier this week. I can't be the only one turned on right now. Us Magazine reports:

A source tells Us Weekly that Jessica Simpson had a, ahem, windy moment during a business meeting for her denim line in late January. "While one of the executives was speaking in a room full of five people, Jessica let out a very loud fart," says the insider. "Her mother [Tina Simpson] was there, and it prompted her to turn around and yell, 'Jessica!' The tension was extreme. No one knew what to say."

Christ, this chick is a mess. I would say just drop her off in the woods somewhere but she would probably find the Berenstain Bears' tree and ask if she could use the phone to order some General Tso's chicken. Oh, and eggrolls. Don't forget extra eggrolls!

Jessica Simpson showed up to the Extreme Measurements premiere last night, and I guess the great mystery is why she looked so upset. Who knows. Maybe the carwash just told her that "The Colonel's special blend of 11 herbs and spices" isn't a scent they normally carry.

Scholars around the world are puzzled as to why Jessica Simpson is unable to keep a man for five minutes, because my God, she's such a natural beauty. And that's not even considering the fact that she's more needy than a paraplegic and she's been putting on weight like a dog rescued from the pound lately. I'd be afraid to ask for her autograph because I'm pretty sure I'd be ran over by a knight on a white horse.

Jessica Simpson posted this video on her official Twitter three hours ago, and if you can tell me what in the hell is going on here, I would appreciate it. But I think it has something to do with Jessica Simpson being a retard.

Hey, why not? Star Magazine reports:

Just days before Jessica's split with Tony Romo, she had a sizzling meeting with the fallen golf star at the AT&T National Pro-Am golf tournament in Bethesda, Md. "Tiger liked what he saw and let her know it," a source tells Star. Since Jess had been fighting with Tony — who was Tiger's golf partner at the July tournament — she gave as good as she got. “Jessica said that she felt like Tony wasn’t paying attention to her, so she was like, ‘What the heck!’ ” says the source. “She decided to have fun with Tiger whether it bothered Tony or not.” Phone numbers were exchanged — email addresses too.

Jessica Simpson is a bottomless pit of need and insecurity so she'd probably let you do A2M if you said her dress was pretty, so I have no reason not to believe this. Mostly because Tiger Woods' penis is Cujo and any vagina within 50 yards is a single mom and a little boy with asthma.

Every time Jessica Simpson goes on a first date she immediately tells anyone who will listen that the guy she went out with "is the one", then she gets all clingy and possessive and makes a human suit out of their skins. Ok, I may have made that last part up. To be fair, I think the guy at Starbucks put something in my coffee. E! Online reports:

"She has fallen hard and is smitten," a source tells E! News of Jessica, adding that both she and 42-year-old Billy consider themselves "officially dating." Reps for both have yet to return calls for comments, but another source close to Jess says her inner circle is not exactly whistling a happy tune when it comes to this rumored hookup…"He's just another in an endless string of Jessica's boyfriends," says the source. "They think he's too old for her. No one takes any of her boyfriends seriously anymore because she has had so many. They're sick of all of them being 'the one.' "

Billy Corgan is a genius and Jessica Simpson has the mental capacity of this bottle of hand sanitizer, so I can only imagine he's playing along so he can titty fuck her. I mean, that's the only reason I can think of. It can't be to talk. I'm not even halfway joking when I say I'd rather listen to a CD of puppies being shot than listen to this retard for five minutes.



Jessica Simpson and her miniature gay at Mr. Chow's last night:

Jessica Simpson attended the Ambassador Theater in New York last night to see her sister perform in Chicago, and I don't want to say she's getting fat, but she may or may not be smiling because she just found out intermission was catered by Wendy's. Applewood smoked bacon piled high atop a 1/4 lb. patty of fresh, never frozen, beef!!

Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have reportedly started talking again, but it's apparently not going according to plan, because Jessica Simpson had her publicist plant a story in the media that she was on a date with Gerard Butler. Page Six reports:

Jessica Simpson and Gerard Butler had a date at Soho House Tuesday night, with friends including her hair stylist pal, Ken Paves, as chaperones. "They were at a table with friends, but Jessica and Gerard, who sat next to each other, seemed to only be interested in each other and chatted for hours," a spy told Page Six. "They were laughing and flirting and eventually left together, along with Ken." Publicists for both didn't return calls.

Gerard Butler has gone on record saying that "I have been in relationships with women. And men. That doesn’t make me gay. That doesn’t make me straight.", so what better person to keep the sexual ambiguous party going than Jessica Simpson? Her face looks like a jack-o-lantern and if it wasn't for the fact that she had a "D" in bra size, she'd be telling me about the Aussie Autumn Adventures at Outback. Just $9.95 each!!

God, somebody get this retard a helmet: