Always on the lookout for new and exciting ways to whore out his daughters, Joe Simpson has reportedly been contacting all of the celebrity gossip magazines and demanding $1 million in exchange for an exclusive interview with Ashlee Simpson regarding her pregnancy. As expected, his pitch was met with an enthusiastic "Meh." Page Six reports:

The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it," our source said. Sadly, there is some interest - but not for anything close to $1 million. One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch "$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album ['Bittersweet World'] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee's lucky she got pregnant, frankly." But even with the marriage announcement, "Joe has an unrealistic expectation of what Ashlee can command," the editor said."

If a magazine actually agrees to pay for this, they should at least have the decency to have pictures of that money in a big garbage bag being dunked in gasoline and taken up into space and launched towards the sun. You know, just to clear up any misconception that they just completely fucking wasted $60,000.

Like most lead singles, Touch My Body, Mariah Carey's first single off her new album, E=MC2, was released prior to the album's official launch date of April 15th, but several more tracks have been suspiciously leaked online. Why, who hatched this diabolical scheme? Ashlee Simpson, of course. KBS Radio says:

Industry insiders believe Ashlee Simpson's camp may be responsible for leaking songs off Mariah Carey's new album in hopes of it creating less competition for the 23-year-old, whose album drops a week after the record-setting "diva." A source told MSNBC, "Joe Simpson has every right to be nervous about Ashlee going up against Mariah. They are backed into a corner with this release date since they already changed it once. Their only option in fighting the Mariah machine would be to create a way to make the album's release less newsworthy."...Simpson's Bittersweet World was originally set to be released in late 2007, but at the last minute was pushed back to April 22, 2008."

Ashlee Simpson's album must be coming out in some sort of magical realm of fairies and dragons, because I'm pretty sure that on Earth, Ashlee Simpson's autotuned empty-calorie snack isn't much competition for Mariah Carey. It'd be like a regular shark fighting a mutant genetically engineered shark. Sure, they're technically both sharks, but it will become painfully obvious pretty fast that one of them might have somewhat of a disadvantage.

Pete Wentz, in shoes, is 5'1".

Since she has refused to settle a $10 million lawsuit with the owner of Speedfit because she failed to give final approval on a workout video, Jessica Simpson has now caused her father/manager/pimp, Joe Simpson, to be named as a defendant. Page Six reports:

In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she's refused to settle, Astilean's now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well. Astilean said, "They are hurting millions of fat people in America." Simpson's rep said, "It's a legal matter that's in the hands of attorneys."

This workout video must be pretty bad, because please keep in mind that this is the same Jessica Simpson who thought Blonde Ambition would "open people's eyes in Hollywood." The only way this video could be worse than her last movie is if somebody recorded an episode of Deal or No Deal over it at some point.

Pro Bowl week in Hawaii:

Man, I wonder how a swarm of paparazzi knew the exact time and the exact location of Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson's vacation in Cabo San Lucas? Hmm...what ever could be the answer to this great mystery? New York Daily News reports:

Joe is well-known for his deals with the paparazzi, where the family gets a cut from the sales of the photographs," says an insider. "Nobody would have known that Tony was down in Mexico with Jessica if there hadn't been those pictures everywhere. So a lot of people suspect he tipped off the photographers, causing Tony this huge headache."..."When you date Jessica, you date Joe, too," says the source."

Really? That sounds great, so I should probably get started working on my Eli Manning impersonation to get Jessica Simpson to go out with me. I'm not gonna lie, it's always been a dream of mine to date a girl whose dad frosts his tips and plays with her ass. He can say stuff like, "Wow, look at those tits!", and I won't have to get mad because I know he really loves her.

Jessica looking confused in her car on January 11th:

Update your after-Christmas bargain wish list because DVD Active announced today the long awaited DVD release of Blonde Ambition!

Title: Blonde Ambition
Starring: Jessica Simpson
Released: 22nd January 2008
SRP: $24.96

Further Details:
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has announced Blonde Ambition which stars Jessica Simpson, Luke Wilson, Penelope Ann Miller, and Rachael Leigh Cook. The Scott Marshall directed comedy will be available to own from the 22nd January, and should retail at around $24.96."

The most pathetic part of this is that Jessica Simpson's father, "Papa" Joe Simpson is one of the producers of this steaming pile of shit and was so desperate to sex up the promos for it and save money that he recycled an old photoshoot from Jessica's A Public Affair album and Photoshopped it on some other chick's body for the DVD cover. Papa Joe, you know as well as we do the only thing worth looking at on Talentless McBumpynose is her tits, so if you want anyone to buy this crap, crop everything but her boobs. Then crop the brakes off your car and drive off a cliff because I hate you.


Thanks, Renee, James, and Vicki!

Ashlee Simpson's boyfriend, Pete Wentz, and her father, "Papa" Joe Simpson, got into a fight with a Vegas bodyguard after Ashlee was accidentally slammed into a wall. The altercation began when bouncers for Mirage's Jet nightclub refused to let the trio's entourage inside. New York Daily News reports:

What are you doing?" yelled Wentz, demanding that his crew be escorted to a waiting SUV. "This is my [bleeping] car! I paid for this [bleeping] car!" Tempers rose, and, before long, a security guard shoved Wentz, knocking Ashlee against a wall. We watched as Wentz rushed to her aid. The Fall Out Boy bassist rained punches on the much-taller door sentries. Papa Joe also dove into the chaos. "When somebody messes with my baby, then it's over!" Joe told us later, drawing his finger across his throat...Outside, Wentz stomped around and spat on the wall of the club. "[Bleep] this place!" he screeched, vowing never to set foot inside again."

Please keep in mind that Pete Wentz is this guy and Joe Simpson is a perv who frosts his tips. I can't believe those bouncers and that bodyguard didn't just run away. I bet they thought about it. Because I dare you to imagine anything more intimidating than a four foot tall guy wearing skinny jeans and eyeliner slapping in the air and a middle-aged youth minister with waxed eyebrows doing the throat slash thing with his finger. That's why I don't go to clubs anymore more, man. Douche is pretty hard to get off your knuckles.

Joe Simpson, the brilliant mind behind the legendary careers of Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, has decided to bless the entertainment world with his Midas touch once again. Lucky us! The New York Daily News reports:

According to an inside source, Joe Simpson is considering managing Spears' career, or what's left of it...The former Baptist minister even tried to set up a meeting over the weekend with Spears, our source attests - though Jessica's rep Cindi Berger denies it... Spears has made more than $100 million from records and endorsements, while sales of Simpson's five albums were lukewarm. But Joe Simpson adeptly steered his daughter into movies and lucrative appearances...Insiders even credit Joe's guidance for helping the sisters avoid the excesses that sent Spears to rehab at the urging of her family, doctors and manager, Larry Rudolph."

Papa Joe is a self-serving, creepy perv, and at this point, a talking llama could manage Britney's career. In fact, the llama wouldn't even have to talk, he could just wear a tie. And maybe carry a briefcase. Then the next time Britney drives down PCH with her kids on the hood of her car, the llama could grunt and stomp on his calculator. I'm not exactly sure what he'd type, but I'm guessing it would make more sense that anything Britney has to say.

Britney on April 20th: