I really don't have any long-winded intro to this story other than John Mayer is a douche and Jessica Simpson is an idiot. New York Post reports:

JOHN Mayer (above) could be the most narcissistic celebrity ever. An insider said, "Several years ago when he was dating Jessica Simpson, he couldn't go to her birthday party because he was on tour. So the night of her birthday she had dinner with [hairdresser] Ken Paves and a few friends. Everyone thought John would forget her birthday, but then a gift arrived from him -- it was a DVD of him in concert. Jessica spent the rest of the night watching the DVD on a loop, 'being with him.' It was so sad." A rep for Mayer declined to comment.

Seriously? A DVD of yourself? How is that romantic? I bring the romance by sending my girlfriend pictures of my penis with post-it notes of rainbows and flowers on it. Sometimes I don't use post-it notes and just shine a light down on it like it was sent down from the heavens above. Because, really, who are we kidding? It totally was.

Country-pop-singer-whatever, Jessie James, went on the Boomer & Craig show to tell about the time John Mayer sent her the least sexiest text in the history of booty call texts. Page Six reports:

"He had someone send for me [from] across the room," James related. "He had a bunch of girls with him and he said, 'We should [all] go back to my apartment.' " She said Mayer left first to avoid the paparazzi, and when they got to Mayer's apartment, "We were all hanging out and everyone started to gradually leave. It was just he and I at this point. I told him, 'I need some taxi money, I'm gonna go home now.' " Mayer asked James for her number and she gave it to him before leaving. She recalled, "He texted me throughout the entire night while I was at the hotel room," leaving messages like, "Let me tuck you in. I want to see you." While the show's hosts labeled Mayer "a douche," a friend of his shrugged it off, "He met her two years ago, it was not a big deal."

"Let me tuck you in"? Man, I'm surprised she didn't tell him to come over right then, because I'm sure thinking about nightlights and bedtime stories got those panties wet. I don't even know what the hell "let me tuck you in" means. John Mayer once dumped the hot ass Minka Kelly for Jennifer Aniston, so maybe he really did just want to tuck her in. If I ever texted this to some chick I was trying to bang, the phone company has my permission to send demons through my phone to kill me. Because it would be pretty clear to everyone that I would deserve it.

Jessie James. She added an "i" so you wouldn't confuse her with the American outlaw that died 127 years ago. I'm glad she cleared that up!:

I don't really know what's going down here. Pete Wentz knows John Mayer has, like, 8 bagillion Twitter followers, so he's trying to rope him into a charity event that takes place this Saturday by offering to pay for KITT and/or the Kool-Aid Man?

And they're sort of kidnapping themselves?

This video requires more research to understand fully, but the bromance brewing with John Mayer in Pete Wentz's mind is frightening. Though his is right that Mayer and Wentz are up for the the biggest douchebags on the internet. Them and Kanye.

John Mayer does something called the Mayercraft Cruise and though I was groaning and bitching about how I didn't care, I did delve deep into the official site to look for a description of the event, because if I didn't this would be a post full of penis/John-Mayer-Is-Lame jokes:

Get ready for the best four days and four nights of your life. The original Mayercraft Carrier marked the start of something special: incredible performances (and unique choices of outfits), lasting friendships, and stories that seem too good to be true. John had such a great time onboard last year that he’s doing it all over again. Get ready for the Mayercraft Carrier 2: Even Craftier!

We'll be shipping off the West Coast, leaving from Los Angeles (Port of San Pedro), CA on March 27th, 2009 and returning March 31st. In between the two days at sea filled with non-stop music, contests, parties, theme nights, good times, John Mayer (of course), O.A.R., Guster, and many more artists - we'll be dropping anchor for a full day in beautiful Cabo San Lucas, Mexico! You'd be crazy to miss out on all of this craftiness.

As the rest of us stay sane back on land, somewhere a boat piloted by John Mayer is floating around the sea, keeping all those crazy enough to get on a boat with John Mayer just to see O.A.R away from the general population.

If the people on that boat are the kind of people who toss their man-kini bottoms on the stage, then Mayer owes them the common courtesy of taking a face full of used-crotch smell.

It all just seems like craziness to me. If I wanted someone to smell my dick, I'm pretty sure I could hit Paris Hilton straight in the face with my dirty underwear from 20 feet away.

You might want to sit down for this because you're not gonna believe it, but another "Jennifer Aniston is a needy self-centered bitch" story is out today. So, you want to know why Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer? Think of the most selfish, psychotic reason. I'll wait....Nope, not even close. Daily Mail reports:

During the actress's trip to Europe earlier this month to promote her new film Marley & Me, she was apparently infuriated when the musician claimed he was too busy to return her calls, but found time to update his Twitter page. The couple split last week after a rocky 11-month romance, with John writing on his Twitter page just days later 'this heart didn't come with instructions'. A friend of the 40-year-old actress said she was unimpressed he found time to write random ramblings on the site, but not to contact her. A pal claimed in America's Star magazine: 'John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her e-mails and when she would finally catch up with him, he'd say, “I've been so busy with work. I'm sorry I haven't had time to call you back." 'Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn't have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. 'Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he'd update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like, “He has time for all this Twittering but he can't send me a text, an email, make a call?"'

Please keep in mind that celebrities are on Twitter for their fans. And well, that's pretty much all you need to know. Jennifer Aniston was in another country but just because John Mayer couldn't talk to her every five minutes because he was interacting with the people who made him famous, she had a complete breakdown. Awesome. Whenever she get's a new boyfriend, maybe she can go on a hunger strike or set herself on fire to protest him signing an autograph or visiting a Make-A-Wish kid. In Aniston's defense, dying kids get lots of attention anyway, what more do they want?!

John Mayer is reportedly in negotiations to write a tell-all book about his relationship with actress(?) Jennifer Aniston. Guess what name she called him in bed? Oh, I know! I couldn't believe it either. Star Magazine reports:

"John just can't keep his mouth shut," a pal tells Star, "and he's telling friends that he's thinking of going public with all their juicy secrets." So just what embarrassing info could John reveal? Well the fella who held an impromptu press conference on a New York City street the first time they split has a lot to say, as we detail in in our magazine. For one, Jen made a slip of the tongue calling John "Brad"... while they were in bed! He also knows all about her obsessive exercise regime, embarrassing TV viewing habits, devotion to astrology and numerology and has witnessed the actress throw fits! Then there's the whole thing about their sex play...

I realize this story is coming from Star, but seriously, is there anybody out there who doesn't believe this is 100% true? If you're one of those people, sorry. You're kind of an idiot. This chick can't sit down for an interview without without mentioning Brad Pitt so of course she's gonna pretend Brad still wants to have sex with her. I hate to break the news, but he doesn't. He really, really doesn't. Seriously, let that marinate. Because, well sweetie, shark attack victims have a faster recovery time than you.

Faces of annoying:

I swear, Jennifer Aniston must be the most annoying, grating chick on earth or her vagina has teeth, because guessed who just got dumped again? Surprise! E! reports:

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer may have called it quits. That's the rumor I'm hearing. A source says that the pair's on-again, off-again relationship may have ended when Aniston returned from overseas, where she was promoting Marley & Me. She returned sometime within the last week. "He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour," the source said. Aniston's rep did not immediately comment. Mayer's rep declined to comment on the singer's personal life.

I realize the media likes to paint Jennifer Aniston and all the other bitchy hags in Hollywood as "unlucky in love", but there comes a point where you have to take a step back and ask yourself what the common denominator is in all these relationships? Why would guys rather throw themselves in a lion pit than be on a date with Teri Hatcher for thirty minutes? Why does Cameron Diaz have a better chance of being exposed to gamma rays than being engaged? What's up with Jennifer Aniston's chin? Christ it's freakishly huge. Like my penis. What up, ladies?!

Yes, that's John Mayer making a rap song for his YouTube channel. "I like sex and I'm good at it," the sample says. Thus far, the only person agreeing is Jennifer Aniston. And she's only agreeing with the "I like sex" part. [YouTube]

Hayden Panettiere is in Hawaii sticking her tiny nose where it doesn't belong. What "awareness" is she raising now? [LaineyGossip]

Porn star Bree Olsen has a healthy bowel movement before the AVN awards. See, porn stars are just like us! Except they have vast amounts of sex... Site NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]

Nicollette Sheridan upskirts are a good way to spend a slow Monday. If you wank to panties on Monday, you've earned full-on porn by Friday. Site NSFW. [TaxiDriverMovie]

If your mom buys you condoms, you're at least as lame as Zac Efron. [FatBackMedia]

When does Jennifer Love Hewitt dare to look her age? When she goes grocery shopping. [ICYDK]

Mischa Barton blogged her breakup before anyone could report it, mistakenly thinking that we still cared what Mischa Barton was up to? How about she makes a good movie or something instead of slutting herself out? [ImNotObsessed]

Ashlee Simpson is moving to Melrose Place where she will be overly sexualized and no one will mention that a baby named Bronx has already been pushed through that vag (hint: rhymes with Madge). [EW]