Justin Timberlake reportedly proposed to his longtime girlfriend Jessica Biel yesterday at a luxury resort in Wyoming. I know, this is shocking news. I didn't know there was a luxury resort in Wyoming either. Mirror reports:

Justin Timberlake proposed to girlfriend Jessica Biel at a luxury resort in Wyoming on Monday, according to secret sources in the States. The pair are apparently staying at five star skiing resort in Jackson called the Amangani, and – if local reports are to be believed – that’s where Justin got down on one knee. An art gallery in the Jackson apparently heard the news (they were quite literally the talk of the town) and wrote the following tweet: “Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night.” OK, so it’s not exactly firm evidence, but there’s no smoke without an, um, proposal.

I'd marry Jessica Biel just so I could be in close proximity to her ass everyday, an I haven't even dated her for four years. I have read several articles and looked at numerous pictures of her ass online, so I feel like we have a connection. If this doesn't work out, I'm sure she'll call me. I bet she thinks about me all the time.

Like the rest of the world, I had not cared enough to remember that Cpl. Kelsey De Santis of the United States Marine Corp asked Justin Timberlake (via YouTube) to be her date to the Marine Corps Ball after he encouraged his co-star, Mila Kunis, to accept a similar invitation. He could have just blew it off or made up an excuse that his caviar facial ran late, but he didn't. Well played, Justin. People reports:

This summer, Justin Timberlake accepted a servicewoman's invitation to attend the Instructor Battalion Marine Corps Ball, and Saturday he made good on that promise. Timberlake was combat instructor Kelsey De Santis's date to Saturday's dance at the Richmond Convention Center in Richmond, Va. The singer was wooed to the ball via video, when his Marine, a champion mixed martial artist in her off-time, made her plea on YouTube. "So, Justin," she said in her online invite. "I'm going to call you out and ask you to come to the Marine Corps ball with me on Nov. 12. ... And if you can't go, all I have to say is, cry me a river." Luckily, she had nothing to cry about. One fellow Marine who attended the ball told PEOPLE, "We all brought sexy back! Justin seemed to have a good time, and it was great to see him there."

We can sit here and say that he did this for publicity, but really, does he need any? This site exists for the sole purpose of calling out celebrities for dumb shit, but it's nice to see one step out of their world of privilege and excess and do something human for once. Also, this site exists for me to talk about my penis. Just wanted to clear that up.

Mila Kunis's cellphone was hacked, likely by the same person who hacked Scarlett Johansson's. There was a picture of a dick on it. TMZ reports:

Justin Timberlake wants to make it clear -- the explicit picture on Mila Kunis' cell phone -- showing a penis -- is NOT J.T. -- this according to a source close to Justin. TMZ broke the story ... Mila's cell phone was hacked, and two of the pics the hackers seized showed Justin -- one laying in bed, the other showing Justin with a pair of pink panties over his head. There is another pic of a penis but that's it -- there's no torso, no face ... and Justin has made it clear to people close to him -- he NEVER sent such a pic to Mila or to anyone for that matter.

A few other outlets said that whoever's peen it was isn't well-endowed, so if it's Justin's, it's a good thing there was no face attached. The only good that might come out of it would be for SNL to churn out a Lonely Island remix called "Dick In a Matchbox."

So, apparently there's one perk to joining the military. Us Magazine reports:

When Sgt. Scott Moore posted a YouTube video last week inviting the Black Swan actress to accompany him to the Marine Corps Ball on Nov. 18, it probably seemed like a long shot. But at the urging of her Friends With Benefits costar, Justin Timberlake, Kunis agreed to head to Greenville, North Carolina to be Moore's date! In the video, Moore addressed the actress directly from Afghanistan. "Hi Mila, I just want to take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball with yours truly," he said. "So take a second to think about it, and get back to me." When FOX411 asked the actress if she knew about the invitation, Timberlake, 30, made certain that Kunis would go. "Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?" he asked her. "You need to do it for your country!" "I'm going to work on this, man," he said in a message to Scott. "This needs to go down!" "I'll go. I'll do it for you," Kunis said, before asking Timberlake if he was going to attend as well.

I'm gonna not gonna be cynical for a minute and overlook the fact that this great promotion for their movie No Benefits Attached To Friends With Strings, and say that this was pretty fucking cool of Mila Kunis. She probably won't feel as accomplished when she finds out she's going to Greenville, NC. Home of East Carolina University and date rape.

In his new book, Lindsay Lohan's former bodyguard, Lee Weaver, describes a typical night out. You know, where she wanted to fight Cameron Diaz. Radar Online reports:

RadarOnline.com obtained an exclusive copy of Weaver’s new book, Memoirs of a Celebrity Bodyguard, in which he details a night out on duty with Lohan at a Hollywood club where they ran into Diaz and Timberlake. “They sat right next to us in another booth,” Weaver writes. “Right after that I heard one of Lindsay’s girlfriend say, ‘There is that b**ch! Go kick her a** right now.’” Weaver claims that Lohan attempted to ditch Weaver in an effort to have words with Diaz, but with bodyguards surrounding both tables, it was the unlikeliest of heroes coming to the rescue — Timberlake! “Justin walked right up to me and said, ‘Hey big man can I talk to you for a second?’” Weaver writes. “Justin says, ‘Cameron and Lindsay are looking at each other like they want to kill each other. I don’t know what this is all about but I came out just to listen to some music and have a good time. I definitely don’t want to fight you and I know you don’t want to fight me. This is what we can do. I will keep Cameron in our booth and you keep Lindsay in her booth.’” Weaver implies in the book that it was Lohan who was the instigator, and after coming to an agreement, Timberlake and Diaz left the club just 20 minutes later.

Lindsay Lohan is a cunt, Cameron Diaz is a beast, Justin Timberlake is a sissy. Big surprise. This had to have happened when Lohan wasn't wearing a SCRAM bracelet, though, because there is no way any sober person would want to fuck with that banner picture. Except maybe Beowulf, but only if he had reinforcements.

He grabbed her boobs! She grabbed his junk! Like OMG YOU GUYS!!! Us Magazine reports:

At Sunday's MTV Movie Awards, Justin Timberlake had a hands-on moment with his Friends With Benefits costar, Mila Kunis, when they presented the night's first award for Best Male Performance. "Even though we're in the movie Friends With Benefits, we've never dated," Timberlake, 30, told the audience. Added Kunis: "We're like brother and sister." "[We have a] totally platonic relationship, which is why I can do this," he said as he grabbed her boobs. In return, Kunis, 27, cupped his genitals. Presenting the award to Twilight's Robert Pattinson, Timberlake couldn't resist making one more joke after Kunis uttered the famous "and the winner is…" phrase. "I think we just found out," Timberlake said with a chuckle. "What a shameless reference to my penis!"

I was going to live tweet the MTV Movie Awards then I realized I wasn't 13 and the Heat/Mavericks game was on, so I guessed I missed this scripted and rehearsed moment between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. So, they're like brother and sister so they fondle each other? Are we supposed to know what that means? Was this some sort of demonstration to raise awareness for the tornado victims in Alabama? I don't get it.

Everyone knows by now that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel broke up after four years because Timberlake wanted to take a Hollywood vagina tasting tour. But what you don't know is that Justin Timberlake is some sort of infidelity ninja, his penis lying in wait ready to strike at a moment's notice. Radar Online reports:

Star magazine claims that Justin had been “pursuing women behind Jessica’s back,” for a while and that he was spotted whispering with co-star Mila Kunis at a recent party. Justin reportedly “actively tried to pursue” Kunis last year, but she spurned his many advances. Mila and Justin filmed nude scenes together for Friends With Benefits in 2010, but despite his telling her that he and Jessica were secretly over, Mila didn’t take the bait. Knowing he still had a girlfriend, Mila didn’t accept his affections or advances. In addition, Timberlake was reportedly having “amazing sex” with Olivia Munn in October while they were filming together. According to other reports, Justin would often use a guy friend as his wingman and cover guy, having the buddy get a number from the girl and leave with her, while Justin would be the one who would eventually hook-up with her. As Justin’s fame is increasing with the attention he received from The Social Network, Jessica had tried being supportive, attending awards season parties with him, but the pair finally called it splits last week. And according to Us Weekly Timberlake was “miserable” with dating Biel for a couple of years and had been actively trying to end the relationship since January. “Justin thinks the breakup will be good because he can focus on his other ventures and just enjoy being single,” a source told the magazine. “You’d be surprised at how soon the love was lost on this one.

Don't get me wrong, Jessica Biel's ass could launch a thousand ships, but after four years sometimes you get tired of fucking a bitch. It happens. If you want unconditional love and someone to be happy every time you walk into a room, buy a dog. If you want to blow me in exchange for flowers and an 8:00 reservation at that restaurant you like, we can hang out until that gets boring.

When asked for comment, Mila Kunis said, "LOL!" People reports:

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are no longer a couple. The two decided to end their relationship recently and "there are no hard feelings," a source tells PEOPLE exclusively. "It was completely mutual and they both decided it was time to move on." Reps for the couple released a statement Thursday, confirming the split: "Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake's relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."

If by mutual you mean, Timberlake has been knuckle deep in Amanda Seyfried, Olivia Munn, and Mila Kunis lately, then yeah, we can go with that. And I think we'll also go with this lovely Karlstad sectional sofa. It's range of coordinated covers makes it easy for me to give my furniture a new look.