Last week it was reported that Justin Timberlake was cheating on Jessica Biel with Rihanna and they were close to a breakup. "Really? Fantastic. I'm so over this chick. I'm headed to the store, we good on Funyuns?" my penis was quoted as saying. Page Six reports:

Justin Timberlake had a date night with Jessica Biel -- casting doubts on reports that he'd dumped her for Rihanna. Us Weekly reported yesterday that Timberlake had dumped Biel over the phone, while Star claims he's turned up the heat with Rihanna. But Timberlake and Biel were photographed holding hands Monday night, even though they sure weren't smiling. A source said, "They've spent the last few days vacationing together in Santa Barbara. Things have been rocky in the last few months, but they are working it out. And this rumor that Justin was hooking up with Rihanna is wild -- they've been working on a track together."

I was gonna say this is bad news, but Jessica Biel has looked like she's been cursed by a gypsy lately, so whatever. That will all change of course if she starts looking like actual Jessica Biel again. Then my vampire cyborg pumas will need to be re-calibrated to only hunt effeminate dancing wiggers with perms. They will return to me with no knowledge of who they are...or what they have done.

Jessica Biel looking like absolute hell in Vancouver where she is shooting the A-Team:



Jessica Biel as she appears in my dreams and drawings in my diary:

I...I...what the hell? Metro UK reports:

'Justin and Rihanna have been seeing each other for the past few weeks.' 'He is really into her', the insider alleged. The source claims Timberlake, 28, and the Umbrella star, 21, have been meeting together in New York. It is not the first time the pair have enjoyed time together after JT helped out the Barbadian beauty in a raunchy video shoot during her third album Good Girl, Gone Bad. Timberlake is also lending his skills to the star's next record, which could be a good reason for the sightings. Only this week he spoke about their time in the studio together telling: 'The stuff we've come up with in the studio, it's the next step for her. It's a little more grown-up. It's got some edge to it.' But the mole also alleges playful Rihanna recently gave Trousernake a lap dance at the 10ak night spot in NYC. The claims come after Timberlake was accused by Lindsay Lohan of being a 'cheater' on Twitter after he was spotted dancing on a bar table with a mystery woman earlier this year. He also put in a lip-lock photo opportunity with Biel, 27, at a basket ball game after he was accused of 'acting like a single guy' at a party thrown by ex Kate Hudson.

My bucket of sunshine and glowstick of love Naomi just told me that I had horrible taste in women and she'd gladly take Rihanna over my beloved Jessica, but can't we just go ahead and call this a downgrade? I guess after being beaten within an inch of your life by your boyfriend may cause you to reexamine the kind of guy you want to bang. Specifically, a prancing gaywad like Justin Tiberlake. Please, don't tell me he isn't a little bit gay. He dated Cameron Diaz for four years. You can't possibly like your penis if you wake up to that every morning. Basically what I'm trying to say is, it's very possible that Rihanna gave Justin a lap dance, but it's also very possible that he took her home to play with his Barbie Style Hair Salon Playset. Wash Barbie dolls hair in the real working sink using special foaming shampoo! Add color streaks and create glam hairstyles with all the fun tools! Includes salon chair, foaming shampoo, smock, towel, brush, Barbie doll and more!

Justin Timberlake doesn't seem to be up to much else besides dropping by Saturday Night Live every once in awhile. Last night saw a sequel to Timberlake and Andy Samberg's "Dick In A Box," where the two characters now realize that they forgot mother's day.

Their unique solution involves cameos by Susan Sarandon and Patricia Clarkson and a pretty catchy ditty.

For all intents and purposes, my tongue would squegee Jessica Biel's ass like a damn windshield, but did I miss something? When did she become Puerto Rican? Does she have a pager and go to parades now, because she's like a 1,000 times darker compared to this time last month. I don't know what kind of industrial strength tanning solution she's using but it's pretty clear that after applying it, Step #2 involves laying under a space shuttle while it's launching or Superman flying you to the sun.

Note: Speaking of Superman, I thought I'd seen Smallville enough to know that Clark Kent didn't have an effeminate cousin who was apparently the president of the AV Club. Turns out I was wrong:

After dating for two years, Justin Timberlake and Jessica are allegedly on the verge of a breakup because Timberlake likes to flirt like a junior high girl. OK! Magazine reports:

"They aren't split yet, but they are having problems," a pal of Justin, 28, and Jessica, 27, tells OK!. “They’ve been fighting lately,” says another friend, adding that the main issue is JT’s incorrigibly roving eye. “Justin has always loved women – singing about them, looking at them, flirting with them. He can’t help it!” But does the "Sexy Back" singer know when to hit the brakes? “Jessica’s seen Justin flirt, but says it’s all in good fun,” the pal tells OK!. “But she has told him that if they get engaged, it’s got to end. Things seem a bit tense with them, but they’re trying to get past the rough patches."..."Justin asked one of his longtime best friends how much time he’d need to give Jessica if he asked her to move out of their New York City apartment without seeming like a jerk."

I don't know, this article seems to be trying too hard to convince me that Timberlake is into chicks. I mean, he dated Cameron Diaz, so you can see how I might be a little skeptical. But not about Bigfoot, though. I totally believe he's out there. Watching us...

Jessica Biel in a see through dress:



Why pictures of her famous Gear Magazine shoot? I hope you didn't say that out loud:

Gwyneth Paltrow has her eye on on Madonna's property [Dlisted]
Elisha Cuthbert's old lady dress [Hollywood Tuna]
Madonna thinks she was a Japanese Warrioress in a previous life [Hollywood Rag]
Sarah Harding panty upskirt (NSFW site) [Taxi Driver Movie]
Patrick Dempsey from scrubs to spandex [Popsugar]
Jennifer Aniston nose job reminder [City Rag]
Alyson Hannigan is knocked up (NSFW site) [Drunken Stepfather]
Wanda Sykes is proud to be gay [Just Jared]
Keanu Reeves might be a genius [Lainey Gossip]
Jessica Alba and her new hairdo [Popoholic]
Jennifer Aniston gets Photoshopped for Vogue [Egotastic]
Amy Winehouse talks about sex [Socialite Life]
Gary Busey Directs His Own Interview [College Humor]

Video up top: Justin Timberlake as Beyonce's back-up dancer on SNL this weekend.

Britney Spears joined Madonna on stage for "Human Nature" in Dodger Stadium last night, and based on the screaming, this must be the gay equivalent of seeing Batman and James Bond together. You know, if Batman was some pretentious old bitch and James Bond was under psychiatric care. Woo hoo!!



Photos: Splash

Ever since Jessica Biel started dating Justin Timberlake she's looked like a recent divorcee who lost her job at Sears and is contemplating mixing her wine with something from under the kitchen sink if it wasn't for the love of her cats and a response to her Craigslist ad. I don't know what that means, but I bet it seems it would be really unattractive. I guess it's because Timberlake is more comfortable when he's the prettier one because he secretly wishes Jessica were a man. Who knows? It's just sad that she was at a parking lot in Hollywood on Saturday and looked better than she's looked in months. She's in jeans and a ponytail, but there's no getting around those lips and that ass. Unless of course she had on a suit of armor or a Buzz Lightyear costume. Then we could only assume that was Justin's idea.