I had a dream once that Soledad O'Brien washed my truck in a nurse outfit and a Santa hat, and that's been pretty much the best thing I've seen involving CNN. Until last night. When I found out who showed up to CNN Heroes: An All-Star Tribute. Salma Hayek, Jessica Biel, Eliza Dushku, and Kate Beckinsale look absolutely fantastic. I wasn't going to mention this, but I should have seen them in person. Not to brag, but some people consider me a hero. Why, just last week, I rescued a kitten from a tree and taught a fatherless black kid how to fly a kite.

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Kate Beckinsale wore the wadded up tissue I threw on her bedroom floor last night and she still managed to make it look pretty. Whatever. If only she knew it was her husband's residue which gave it that lovely crunch. OMG scandal. Don't tell anyone, please?

Whenever Kate Beckinsale sits down for an interview, it quickly turns to her into her expounding on how great her vagina is and how lucky her husband is to have sex with her. Now I guess we know why. The Sun reports:

"Kate Beckinsale always dresses seductively behind closed doors – to keep the passion with hubby Len Wiseman alive...."I don't like to walk around wearing no make-up with my hair rolled on top of my head on my days off. I think my husband would be a bit bummed out if I did. It's nice to feel like you're wooing the other person a bit, as once it degenerates into wearing yesterday's sweatpants and farting on the sofa, you lose a bit of the spice. You've got to keep up the seduction phase - it's fun."

Hey, I'm all about a chick being able to feel comfortably sexy, but Kate's right. Do you have to do it while you're wearing a Biore nasal strip or asking me to hand you a roll of toilet paper? I'm sorry sweetie, I love you, I do, but that makes me not want to sneak up on you and rape you when you're cooking when you do stuff like that.

Halloween lets chicks release their inner whore, but Kate Beckinsale always manages to be super hot without looking like her father left when she was a child so now she's insecure and craves attention, so that's cool. That is until you realize she's photographed trick-or-treating with her husband and daughter every year. Is this a coincidence? Does she call the paps ahead of time? Am I gonna pass this paternity test? So many unanswered questions! So many mysteries!


Photos: Splash

These pictures of Kate Beckinsale prancing around in a bikini in Cabo only prove that my continued ridicule in the scientific community will one day come to an end. My theory that the color orange makes masturbating more romantic will not be ignored!

TMZ has a video today of Kate Beckinsale walking down the street in Beverly Hills when she trips and her boob pops out. Things happen, no big deal, but then she purposely pulls her top down and plays with her husband's crotch. In the middle of the street. In broad daylight. In front of her daughter and her daughter's friend. Kate Beckinsale's husband has made some shitty movies, but it appears his magic lamp was used for something else.

Beckinsale working out last week:

In seemingly every interview, Kate Beckinsale talks about how great she is at sex and how her vagina is some kind of magical fairy tale world of delight and wonder, so you'd think she wouldn't have a problem with showing her bare butt in her new movie. Surprise! The Daily Mail reports:

She has a slim, toned figure that most women would die for. But Kate Beckinsale has demanded a body double for her latest film – because she "loathes" her bottom. Producers have had to hire a £1,000-a-day nude stand-in after Kate, 34, refused to bare her derriere in a shower scene. In the past the actress, who earns £3.2million for a film,...But a source on her new film Whiteout said: "Kate has a terrible self-image. She thinks she is fat and she is always complaining how certain outfits make her bottom look big. Of course, the reality is that she has the most amazing body. "The script called for her character to be filmed nude in a shower, focusing in on her bottom and thighs. Kate insisted on a double being hired. She was quite open on the set about not liking her body and said she particularly loathed her bottom and was not comfortable baring it."

I think a funny joke would be is if they pretended to hire Kelly Clarkson. And when it was time to film the scene, Kelly would drop her towel, then confetti would shoot from the ceiling and the crew would blow those cardboard whistles they give out at birthday parties, and everybody would just laugh and laugh. Then Kelly would give Kate a thumbs up as if to say "you can do it". Then Kate Beckinsale's heart would smile and she'd apologize for being so difficult and agree not to use a body double, because that day she learned how to love herself.

Kate Beckinsale says she refuses to learn to cook because she is too good in bed. She says women can be divided into two groups - incredible cooks and fantastic lovers. The Sun UK reports:

And Kate has proudly announced she falls firmly into the latter group, which must surely keep her largely takeaway-fed husband Len Wiseman a happy man in the bedroom. "I'm the worst wife in the cooking department. I always thought you can't be good at food and sex, but you can always order the food in. I'd rather he didn't order in the sex."

I might be wrong, but I don't remember covering this theory in my Women's Studies class. Sorry Kate, but a woman's worth shouldn't be based on some archaic and misogynistic notion that her only purpose on Earth is to please a man. According to my research, it should be solely based on how she looks in a bikini. I don't want to name names, but it looks like somebody has a lot to learn.