UPDATE: She went to the producers and tried to get Tony Dovolani fired. You know, the guy who has been on the show for 9 seasons and is "loved by all the staff."

Kate Gosselin is the most evil and grating bitch on Earth, so of course her trained, professional partner, Tony Dovolani, was second-guessed and berated until he literally threw his mic down and walked out. She then played the victim again, of course, so he came back and they performed. Want to take a guess how she did? Here's a hint: Dancing comes just as naturally to her as being a mom. New York Daily News reports:

After a lukewarm performance during the premiere of "Dancing with the Stars" last week, the reality star's ex-wife, Kate Gosselin, returned Monday only to have her partner quit and the judges call her performance a "nightmare." During the second go-around of "DWTS," most of the duos improved, while Gosselin only got worse, making it seem increasingly more likely that she will be the first to go home Tuesday. The problems started in dance rehearsals when Tony Dovolani took his mic off and walked out due to a lack of communication. As Dovolani felt undermined by Gosselin, she felt as though he wasn't taking into consideration how she learned. Alas, Dovolani returned to find Gosselin in tears. She thanked him for coming back, saying, "A lot of people quit on me in life." And like all "DWTS" arguments, this too ended with a hug. The trainwreck that ensued was too painful to watch. Gosselin's stiff and robotic movements were not nearly as bad as the frightened, frozen look on her face during her jive. She forgot most of the choreography and frequently spoke to Dovolani mid-dance, presumably to ask what the hell she was doing. Bruno called the performance a "nightmare" and suggested Gosselin to take acting lessons in order to portray a character. Carrie Ann applauded her for making it all the way through the routine without giving up. Len said her nerves are breaking her and told her to "go out fighting."

Tony Dovolani spent an hour with this bitch and was ready to slit his wrists, so imagine being married to this cunt and having eight kids with her. Jon Gosselin was either gonna cheat or blow her fucking brains out, so he really should be congratulated for cheating. Or if he had killed her. Either or. Oh, please killing her wouldn't be that bad. Hannibal killed 70,000 Roman soldiers in one day and he's still on the History Channel. The public can be very forgiving.

Man, check out this way this sexy temptress moves. I bet you'd have a hotter time fucking a pile of laundry:

Kate Gosselin has tricked millions of bitter women everywhere that she is a poor victim of a cheating husband and is now a devoted single mom, but in reality, she's an emasculating, narcissistic, power hungry cunt, who's lucky her husband didn't snap and put her in a shoebox after he chopped her up. Everyone who knows her personally hates her, but she could change all that by getting out of the spotlight and being the mother she so desperately wants people to think she is when she's signing their book while her kids are with the nanny. But she doesn't have time for that now. Dancing With The Stars is more important. Luckily for her, she's making lots of new friends and bringing rays of sunshine to the set everyday. You know, or whatever means the exact opposite of that. New York Post reports:

Kate Gosselin is being a "total diva" on the set of "Dancing With the Stars" -- snubbing other contestants and behaving frostily to crew members, sources tell Page Six. The recently divorced mom of eight has been rehearsing for the ABC show, which starts its new season March 22. Her icy behavior also persuaded Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir to pull out of talks about being on the show because he didn't want to work alongside Gosselin. A "DWTS" source said, "Kate doesn't want anything to do with other contestants . . . While there's a lot of camaraderie among the crew and other stars including Pamela Anderson, Kate has set herself apart . . . She wants to be queen bee."

I've never wanted to hit a woman (unless I paid extra for it), but if I ever find a genie in a lamp, I'd pause for a minute to think if I really wanted Kate Gosselin to be a man for five minutes so I could drive the base of my palm into that nose that she likes to stick up in the air to everyone she comes into contact with. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. But at least God would know I wouldn't sell my kids to a rice farm to compete on a reality show. I would only do that to be selected to the Pro Bowl.

Kate Gosselin is an insufferable bitch and a raving lunatic who throws a tantrum like a three-year old who got hit with a power line if she thinks for a minute the world doesn't revolve around her, so what do you think she did when TLC dropped $7,000 to make her hair not look like a nurse in Mengele's lab? I bet you'll never guess!! Us Magazine reports:

Hair today, tears tomorrow? Kate Gosselin, 34, marked the new year by trading in her signature spiky bob for long, blonde locks in a process that took 20 hours of work and would normally cost $7,000 (hers was comped). Just one problem: "She hates it!" a source tells the new issue of Us Weekly. "She thinks her hair looks over­processed and damaged," adds the insider. "She's afraid people will think she's one of Tiger Woods' bimbos!" (In an online video posted Jan. 10, Gosselin looks in the mirror and says, "Oh, Lord have mercy... it's weird.) Also not fans? Twins Cara and Mady, 9, who shrieked "Eww!" when they saw their made-over mom. "They started laughing," says the source. "Kate ended up in her room crying."

I mean this in the nicest way possible, fuck you bitch. You had eight half Korean kids through science now you're making millions because you wrote a book about "God's miracles". Just because your uterus can staff a Korean buffet with busboys doesn't mean you need to have your face on the dollar.

Kate Gosselin has worked hard to trick the world that she's a victim who only wants best for her children, while in reality she's an emasculating cunt who tries to destroy everything and anyone who dares get in the way of the fame that she so desperately craves. Her husband was either gonna cheat or blow his fuckin brains out, because you can see how having 8 kids through a science experiment and being treated like Cinderella when he didn't mop the floor right could cause him to run away like a slave who figured out how to pick the lock. But according to the media, Kate Gosselin is now a struggling single mom who sacrifices everything for her precious little children. I guess that doesn't include $7,000 haircuts. RadarOnline reports:

He also revealed that her hairstyle would cost almost $7,000 in his salons in Washington, DC, and New York City! “My haircuts are $950,” Ted revealed. “The color would have been about $500, and the extensions, which were great length extensions, would probably cost about $5000.” Kate was excited about getting a new look to start off the new year, but was a little nervous about changing her trademark bangs. “We were together for about 20 hours and I would say 15 of those hours were working on Kate trying to convince her to cut her bangs,” Ted joked. “I felt like she was hiding behind that front piece.” Despite the hesitation, he said the mother of eight "was really open to the entire process." Ted summed up his vision for the TLC star: "I wanted to make sure I took her from being really ordinary to really extraordinary!” Ted even has a nickname for Kate’s old hair style. “The little short bits in the back, we called them her 'attitude' and getting rid of those took a long time!"

Kate Gosselin could find a mountain of gold or get attacked by a bear. I could really not give a shit which. I'll just be content knowing that she'll die alone in reality show that I'm sure she'll pitch to TLC where corporate logos will be on her casket and bobble head dolls for the first 1,000 people to sign the guest book.

What a loving, caring mother:

Jon and Kate Gosselin have a joint bank account which last week contained "hundreds of thousands of dollars". Jon Gosselin has since taken care of that of that problem. Radar Online reports:

At the same time he was telling a national TV audience that he wanted to put the brakes on his divorce and establish a better relationship with his wife, Jon Gosselin was secretly emptying their bank account, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively. Jon violated an arbitrator's rules and pulled hundreds of thousands of dollars out of his joint account with Kate, leaving her with only $1,000, a RadarOnline.com investigation uncovered. It's the most dramatic turn yet in what has been a public brawl of a divorce, with Jon hiring a controversial lawyer and trying to repair his public image in the past few weeks. He appeared on Larry King Live last week with his lawyer Mark Heller and said he had an epiphany, adding: "I want Kate and I to mediate. I want us to become friends." But within hours of uttering those words, Jon was withdrawing several hundred thousand dollars from his joint bank account with Kate without her knowledge, leaving his estranged wife with only $1,000. RadarOnline.com has confirmed with multiple sources that Kate routinely pays the family bills from that bank account. When Kate discovered what happened she engaged a high-powered lawyer who immediately sent Jon a letter, demanding he return the money to the bank account. And RadarOnline.com has learned that another lawyer for Kate will go to court in Pennsylvania on Monday to file papers demanding the money be returned. Multiple sources tell RadarOnline.com that Jon's actions were in violation of the Gosselin divorce arbitrator's guidelines. Another bank account, set up for the Gosselin children, was untouched.

I haven't heard of Bosley or Ed Hardy having a blowout sale in the news recently, so I'm unsure of why this idiot needed this money so fast. Oh, I know. It's because he's a petty, spoiled child who'd rather see his kids read my candlelight than his wife have access to any money. Awesome. Instead picturing this douchebag halting production of the show because he got fired and draining a bank account out of spite, picture a 2-year old stamping his feet and throwing a tantrum in an aisle at Wal-mart.

Jon Gosselin living a quiet, dignified life:

Although he didn't mind it for the last two years that he was making money off filming every aspect of his science experiment kid's lives, Jon Gosselin has hired lawyers to stop TLC's Kate Plus Eight from doing it now. Douchebag, party of one.
Us Weekly reports:

Through his attorney, Mark J. Heller, Jon, 32, has written two letters to TLC lawyers. In the letters -- dated Sept. 29 -- Gosselin demands the network cease and desist production and leave his property, according to The Insider. On Thursday morning, he even posted a sign outside his family's $1.1 million estate in Wernersville, Pa. It read: "Notice: no film crew or production staff from TLC is permitted on this property under penalty of trespass." In one of the letters, Jon's attorney writes: "Effective immediately, no production crews are to enter Jon's family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authorities to effectuate police action against any trespassers."

Yeah, so long story short, his ass got fired and Kate wouldn't take him back, so now he's throwing a hissy fit like some girl whose dress doesn't fit for his My Super Sweet Sixteen. I defended this idiot for a while, but I'm not even halfway joking when I say I hope he gets raped by a bear trap. I don't even know if that's possible, but I didn't know actually thinking to put on Ed Hardy in 2009 was possible either, so whatever.

UPDATE: It worked....

Hey, look! Gemma Atkinson! How did she get in here?! Oh, that Gemma! She's so sneaky!

Since jobless, half-Korean douchebags don't have any bitter, scorned white women in their fan clubs, Jon Gosselin has been basically fired from the show about his life. Jon & Kate Plus Eight has now been officially renamed to Kate Plus Eight. Us Magazine reports:

Jon and Kate Gosselin's 10-year marriage has ended. And so has their TLC reality show. Sort of. TLC announced on Tuesday that the show will be renamed Kate Plus Eight, beginning Nov. 2. It will continue to focus on the lives of the young Gosselin twins, 8, and 5-year-old sextuplets but with a deeper focus on Kate's role as a single mother. "Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family," TLC president Eileen O’Neill said in a statement. "The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers." She added that the network is in development on a Kate project for 2010.

Eh, this was bound to happen sooner or later. He's an idiot and she's a mind-controlling bitch, so the kids were gonna lose either way. It's was either gonna be 30 minutes of Dad in his Ed Hardy shirt taking Propecia and texting his girlfriend while she decorates for prom or 30 minutes of Mom having a psychotic break if the labels on the cans aren't facing the same direction. So, please. It's not like any of this is good news. When asked for comment, Jon Gosselin's mother said, "Oh dat silly Paddlefoot! He funny silly dog! Him think totem pole ah-live!!"

Kate Gosselin and her bodyguard. You know, the dude she's been banging:

Hailey Glassman passes out in hotel hallways and poses in pictures while smoking bowls with wiggers, so too bad Jon Gosselin didn't treat her like the sophisticated lady that she is. inTouch Weekly reports:

"When Jon came back, he said very little to Hailey, but his phone spilled the details," the friend tells In Touch. "He had several text messages and photos taken with girls, including a showgirl. Hailey was shocked that he didn't bother to delete any of it from his phone." On September 4, Hailey called Jon and told him she was through. "She'd had it," the close friend adds. "She said she couldn't trust him." Once madly in love, Hailey first grew suspicious of Jon's extracurricular activities when tabloid reporter Kate Major claimed she and Jon were an item in July. Although Jon told In Touch he and Kate were "just friends," Hailey was still skeptical. "He lied to her about Kate Major," the close friend reveals. Hailey also now believes that Jon was with other women as well, after he moved into a bachelor pad in New York. "He would go out and return wearing totally different clothes," the close friend explains. "Hailey would question Jon about it, and he'd just say he had spilled a drink on himself." Hailey also believes that Jon collects numbers from the adoring female fans who line the fence at the Reading, Pa., home he shares with his estranged wife, Kate. "She doesn't want to deal with that," the friend explains.

I sat here for about ten minutes wondering what I was gonna say about this, then I looked at the banner picture, then I looked at the pictures of this skank, then I made
some cereal, then I realized that I was writing about Jon Gosselin getting dumped and the only thing I could come up with was, "Um, next."