Kate Hudson's vagina opens like an overflowing fountain any time a guy with a guitar looks at her, so in case you didn't know, she's pregnant with the bastard child of Radiohead tribute band, Muse, frontman Matt Bellamy. He's currently on tour in Argentina where she was photographed being a wonderful parent. Pop Eater reports:

The actress was spotted sipping from what looks like a large glass of red wine. While some believe that imbibing in moderation while pregnant is OK, many experts disagree. A New York-based OB-GYN who has not treated Hudson says of her choice of beverage, "Right now, no one really knows what amount of alcohol is harmful for the fetus, so it's recommended that you don't drink at all during pregnancy." The doctor's suggestion? Abstain. "We just don't know enough."

I'm not a doctor, but you can't give me one acceptable reason why it's okay to drink when you're pregnant. Not one. If you leave a comment trying to justify it, then you're just a drunk slut who can't be bothered giving up alcohol for the benefit of your child. Some say it's God, but we all know that alcohol is what causes babies. It shouldn't make them come out retarded and with an extra ear on their elbow.

Kate Hudson's ovaries paid tribute to, Matt Bellamy, the lead singer of the Radiohead tribute band, Muse. By allowing him not to pull out. Us Magazine reports:

A source confirms exclusively in the new Us Weekly, out Wednesday, that Kate Hudson, 31, is 14 weeks pregnant with boyfriend Matthew Bellamy's baby. "It was not planned, but they are excited and embracing it," the source reveals to Us.

"It was not planned"? Do what now? I mean, I not a doctor, but isn't there only one way to get pregnant? That's why I always speak at high schools and talk to young girls about the benefits of anal sex. My simply worded and informative pamphlets clearly show that anal sex greatly decreases your risk of pregnancy while at the same time greatly increases your chances for flowers.

Kate Hudson and Thom Yor...uh, I mean Matt Bellamy:

Kate Hudson looked like a breast cancer survivor before, but according to sources, she now looks like she's ready for a 7th grade dance.

"I have small breasts, obviously," Kate Hudson proudly proclaimed at the 2002 Golden Globes. "It's nice to be able to wear a plunging neckline and have it be elegant." Looks like Hudson had a change of heart. An insider says in the new issue of Us Weekly that a plastic surgeon performed a small breast augmentation on the actress, 31, in late March. And the mom to son Ryder, 6, looked noticeably fuller on top while poolside in Miami on April 9. Explains another source, "Kate makes jokes about her boobs, but her chest has always been one of her biggest insecurities."

Although she didn't need any help with this, Kate Hudson looked like this two years ago. The banner picture was taken three days ago. My only question I have is what kind of bee her surgeon was, because I can't really tell the difference. Maybe it's because I'm uneducated. If you put anything less than a C in my mouth, I'm like a dog being taught governing dynamics. It may take me a while to grasp this radical new concept.

Alex Rodriguez needs to pay somebody to remind him he's Alex Rodriguez, because he's now dating Cameron Diaz. New York Post reports:

Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz have had a series of secret dates following their flirtation at the Creative Artists Agency Super Bowl party in February. The couple secretly saw each other in Florida while A-Rod was at spring training, according to Life & Style. "A-Rod's with Cameron. They've been keeping it quiet, but they're totally together," a source told the weekly.

This dude is the highest paid player in MLB history and plays for one of the most storied franchises to have ever existed, and the best piece of celebrity ass he's had is Kate Hudson. A thirty-year old single mom. What the fuck is this guy doing? If I was Alex Rodriguez, my morning would start by tripping over Kelly Brook and Blake Lively on my way to the bathroom after I wake up on top of two 19-year old twins who are late for a meeting with Elite.

NOTE: I need Desmond to be my constant to figure out the logic behind the email I just got calling me a hypocrite by comparing this post with the Elin one, so let me clear this up. When you're married, you fuck your wife. When you're not married, you fuck everyone else. I hope that helps.

Kate Hudson and the Yankees' Alex Rodriguez have been dating for five months, and when she's not at the games or traveling with the team, she's in Alex Rodriguez's apartment cutting up pictures of his ex-girlfriends and sleeping with his underwear. MSNBC reports:

“Kate’s always at his New York apartment, even on the days when he’s on the road. She’s made herself quite comfortable in his life. She’s met his oldest daughter and her son likes Alex,” according to a friend of Hudson’s who spoke to In Touch. The friend then stated the obvious when she said, “Kate has become very serious about him.”

Alex Rodriguez makes $26M a year as the highest paid player in Major League Baseball, but the last three chicks he's been with (his wife, Madonna, and Kate Hudson) all look like convict's pen pals. This dude should be papier macheing models with $100 dollar bills and semen, not leaving some flat chick in his house picking out their kid's names and making scrapbooks for every time she cums. I'm late on my rent right now, but my last three girlfriends were a billion times hotter than these hags. The prosecutor in my case doesn't use the word "girlfriends", but what does he know of love?

Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson are currently in Italy promoting Bride Wars. My crush on Anne Hathaway has been developing into an unhealthy obsession. Have you ever watched The Devil Wears Prada on mute while Jungle Boogie plays on loop? When you do, do you have paper towels for clean-up? If so, welcome to my world.

It just makes me dislike Kate Hudson more. Look at her and her smug "I'm Hollywood royalty face." I just want to kiss it. Kiss it so hard her brains come out the back of her head.

Kate Hudson's beach vacation still seems to be going on, and Bride Wars is still in theaters. She doesn't have a lot of respect for her career, which is totally fine with me, because I kind of have a thing for women that don't respect themselves. They have low standards, like me. Women with low career standards get to star in movies with Anne Hathaway, men with low career standards work at Jiffy Lube as a cashier. Don't ask what my high school job was...

While our nation's economy teeters on the brink of a depression, it's good to know that big stars like Kate Hudson are pretending they are just like you and me. The Sun reports:

"THE global financial crisis has hit multi-millionaire KATE HUDSON. So much so, the sexy star will be cutting back her Christmas expenditure this year to combat the credit crunch. Kate will even be employing her craft skills to make her family gifts. She said: "I think it's a really weird time and I think that everyone is feeling it. We've always been pretty crafty anyway. We all knit. The girls knit. This year I'm doing these great big knit...well, actually I shouldn’t even talk about it because I can't say it!"

The article goes on to say that Kate Hudson and her family are going to celebrate Christmas by skiing in Colorado, so who knows how she's gonna pay for that. Magic beans, I guess.

Kate Hudson and her son, Ryder, on November 25th:


Photos: Splash