I really don't get the fascination with Kate Middleton and her flat ass sister, but the English do, and I have English readers, so here's Kate Middleton. I don't know what's going on here, but she wore this dress to give flowers to Dr. Moreau's helper then the wind blew it up and we can see her ass now. Awesome. Some might point out that she should have worn panties around children, but when you change colleges to stalk and date your cousin so he'll marry you, wearing panties won't get you too far. I'm just glad we have pictures like this before she mysteriously dies in a car accident after she successfully breeds.

"Diana At 50: If She Were Here Now", a story in the new issue of Newsweek, includes a digitized rendering of Princess Diana walking with Kate Middleton. Princess Diana's face has been aged to show what she would possibly look like if she had lived to be fifty, but this picture is way off. There's no way Princess Diana's head would fit inside that bag she's carrying.

I've been getting a lot of hate mail for my two royal wedding posts from people who don't live in England telling me, again, that I should stick to "drunk celebrities and upskirts". So here's Kate Middleton drunk off her ass at Boujis Nightclub. With a bonus upskirt. Man, I'm pretty fucking good at this.

Further proof that all women really want in a man they marry is power, status, and money, women the world over watched a bald figure head with no actual power marry some painfully plain chick because all women think they're princesses because they played dress up and watched a lot of Disney movies. When in reality, this dude might as well be a newsie or a chimney sweep or something else that's archaic and really doesn't need to exist. Sure, Kate Middleton is now a long-distance relative of Jack The Ripper and had the lavish wedding that every chick has been dreaming about since she was born, but the trade off is now the imperialist redcoats are going to invade her uterus like Indonesia and force her to breed more of these pompous assholes to play Polo while Parliament runs the country. But for Kate's sake, I'd hold off as long as I could to have kids. You know, because it's better to make it to at least 45 years old before you die in a suspicious car accident.

Here's the latest Mario Testino photo of Prince William and Kate Middleton that will be used on the royal wedding programs. Really? Because I think I just counted 278 teeth and and I'm pretty sure Kate's eyebrows are about to form a chrysalis. Whatever. And what's the big deal about this wedding anyway? Are bluebirds going to dress her? Does he have to fight a dragon? No? Then who gives a shit. I'm not going to lie, Disney has really spoiled it for everyone.

Prince William's girlfriend is a high maintenance narcissist? Oh, heavens no. Why would you think that? Oh, wait. The Enquirer reports:

The soon-to-be princess - who's marrying Prince William on April 29 - needs a head-to-toe makeover to ensure she looks her best for the future king of England, say experts. And the total body overhaul comes with a royal price tag - $150,000! "Kate knows she's about to become the most photographed person in the world - and women will scrutinize every inch of her. She's really dreading that," an insider told The ENQUIRER. "She wants to project a modern, glamorous image, and she knows that it's best to have cosmetic intervention before any aging, sagging, drooping or wrinkling can mar her figure." The quest for perfection will come with a hefty price tag for the 29-year-old, whose parents are millionaire entrepreneurs. The insider estimates she would have to drop well over $150,000 for her initial "aesthetic adjustment" and for "periodic tune-ups." Kate's makeover plan includes a breast augmentation, a more full and shapely derriere, hip liposuction, lip fillers, Botox shots, delicate touch-ups around the eyes, a minor nose job and porcelain caps on her teeth, says the insider. "Now that she's joining the royal family, Kat obviously has to be discreet about her body changes. She doesn't wan to be embarrassingly photographed covered with bandages and with ugly black eyes from plastic surgery," maintained the insider. "She needs to plan mini- surgeries that won't be obvious to the public. "And for procedures where she will have to stay out of the public eye for a short while Kate has been looking for top surgeons in Switzerland."

This is great and all, but can she throw her boyfriend a couple grand to do something about his hair? I can't tell if he has male pattern baldness or if he's on his last round of chemotherapy.