This should end well. Hollywood Life reports:

We have been told Katy is completely “devastated” and that she was happy to go on tour to Indonesia to “get away from the drama.” Thankfully, she has her BFFs, including Rihanna, to keep her occupied. “Katy’s friends are doing everything they can to help keep her happy and just be there to listen to her,” our source told us. “Rihanna has been unbelievable and checks up on her every day and even invited her on a trip. Katy even asked Rihanna to meet her in Vegas and be there with her.”

Asking Rihanna for dating advice would be on par with hiring Paula Deen as your nutritionist, but maybe Katy sees something we don't. When she's not fucking the guy who beat her until her eyes were swollen shut, Rihanna probably has great perspectives on ending relationships with strength and dignity. Somehow if she told me "time heals all wounds," I'd believe her. But I think docs had a hand in fixing her fat lip, too.

Remember when Katy Perry's dad talked shit about Jewish people? He meant it in a nice way. Via the Huffington Post:

A suburban Cleveland church where the father of pop star Katy Perry delivered a sermon that drew accusations of anti-Semitism has released an apology in which he says he regrets his "hurtful and ugly language." Pastor Paul Endrei of the Church on the Rise in Westlake said Wednesday that Perry's father, the Rev. Keith Hudson, meant to compliment Jewish people's prosperity when he said having money is what it takes to make Jews jealous. Endrei says the visiting Hudson was blessing businesspeople during the Jan. 5 sermon and "just went too far." "Even though this is wrong and it was not a right comment, he wasn't preaching about Jews, neither was he ranting against Jews," Endrei said, adding that he received only one complaint from among the roughly 300 people who heard the sermon. He said Hudson had referred to God telling Abraham, considered the father of Judaism, that he was to be blessed. "And then he started talked about being blessed so much that you would make a Jew jealous," Endrei said. In the apology released this week, Hudson said he is not an anti-Semite. "I deeply regret the hurtful and ugly language I used in my message in Ohio," the statement said. The Simon Wiesenthal Center, a Jewish human rights organization based in Los Angeles, earlier in the week denounced Hudson's remarks as anti-Semitic. Endrei said the church would be open to welcoming Hudson back, not immediately but after some time has passed. In his apology, Hudson says that with the help of God, he won't again make such comments. "We can do lots of harm even to those we love simply by using words irresponsibly. ... I apologize for the hurt that I caused my Jewish friends," he said.

Of course Keith Hudson was complimenting Jews by talking about their lust for money, diamonds, and designer watches. It's just like when I flatter my black friends by talking about how much they love fried chicken and food stamps. And just like Keith Hudson, no one ever complains about it because I always make my statements in places they'll never be. Like Klan meetings. Or at work.

Christian-when-convenient divorcee Katy Perry's parents, Keith and Mary Hudson, are capitalizing on their daughter's split from Russell Brand to get people to donate to their collection plates. Per TMZ:

Perry's mom, Mary, speaking for the first time about the split, told parishioners, "I'm sure Katy is trending on the internet just to get you to church tonight. I mean all over the world, who knows how God is bringing them in? The most important thing is you are here and God wants to put the fire in you in 2012."

Oh, and her dad hates Jews, according to The Sun:

Keith Hudson told hundreds of worshippers: "You know how to make the Jew jealous? Have some money, honey. "You go to LA and they own all the Rolex and diamond places. Walk down a part of LA where we live and it is so rich it smells. You ever smell rich? They are all Jews, hallelujah. Amen." His sick blast came in a sermon where he also spoke about pop singer Katy, 27. He said: "People say 'How is it you have a daughter raised in the church and she sang 'I kissed a girl and liked it'? I say 'I don't know'." Keith and wife Mary, both 63, gave their first services at Church on the Rise in Westlake, Ohio, since Katy and Russell Brand, 36, announced their divorce. Later there was a collection for the Hudsons. Keith added: "We live by the Gospel, not off anyone else, even though you may say 'You are the parents of Katy Perry, you must be rich.' No, she is, I am not, hallelujah."

I was going to count the contradictions in Keith Hudson's sermons, but instead I counted how many times he mentions or shows his whipped cream-tittied daughter in this promo video. Not including the title ("Keith Hudson - Father of Katy Perry - LIVE at FaithWorld THIS WEEK!"), he and his wife mention or show Katy Perry once for each of the Bible's deadly sins. I could care less about hate speech (because it's a component of free speech), but his is just boring and unoriginal. At least Mel Gibson gave the world "sugartits."

Russell Brand isn't wasting any time. Us Weekly reports:

Moving vans were spotted Wednesday outside Russell Brand and Katy Perry's L.A. home. The duo, who announced their split Dec. 30, purchased the massive, seven bedroom three-story home for $6.5 million in June. So what led to the end of Brand and Perry's 14-month marriage? A source tells the new Us Weekly, on stands Friday, that Brand, 36, blindsided Perry, 27, when he filed for divorce without consulting her. "The plan was for Katy and Russell to have the holidays apart, then see if they wanted to go through with a separation," says a source.

Maybe it's me, but I think once you decide to skip Christmas with your wife, your mind's been made up already. Maybe when Russell Brand figured out that can wake up to something like this instead of something like this and walk away with close to $30 million in a settlement, he may not have needed as much time to deliberate as Katy anticipated.

Because all of her songs are deep wells of emotion and introspect and in no way sound like a 7th grader with a Casio and a creative writing assignment, Katy Perry's next album will be about her relationship and breakup with Russell Brand. Oh good. The Sun reports:

A source said: "Ever since problems started to emerge, she penned her thoughts in a diary which she goes back to to draw upon for lyrics for her songs. "She has always said that writing is almost a form of therapy for her and she would often be found in her dressing room on tour writing in her diary. "She spent a lot of time in Hawaii over Christmas writing lyrics to two of her latest tracks." Russell filed for divorce at LA Superior Court last Friday, citing "irreconcilable differences".

And just so we're all clear about what therapeutic, soul searching lyrics we can expect, this article also includes lyrics Perry wrote about Travis McCoy. I assume this article included them sarcastically.

She documented Travis McCoy's alleged drug abuse in her album track, Circle The Drain. The lyrics went: "Thought I was the exception/ I could rewrite your addiction/ You could have been the greatest/ But you'd rather get wasted/ You fall asleep during foreplay/ 'Cause the pills you take are more your forte."

Even though I'm still not fully convinced that "Rollin' In The Deep" isn't about a woman's desire to make fresh buttermilk biscuits from scratch then eating all of them immediately, when Adele sings you kinda get what she's been going through. When Katy Perry sings it sounds forced and fake and the lyrics probably had to be approved in a staff meeting where Adele came by to see if they had any leftover donuts. C'mon, it's obvious she's an emotional eater.

"See that Iraq veteran over there, love? Won't you be a good lass and blow him for me."
Russell Brand's publicists fired the first shot on why his marriage to Katy Perry didn't work (Jesus, too much partying, etc), now Perry's publicists have taken the amp and did this to it. Hollywood Life reports:

Russell, a former sex addict, reportedly grew dissatisfied with Katy no matter how she tried to keep things hot in the bedroom. Plus four other reasons why he ended their marriage! Poor Katy Perry, she did her best to cater to her husband Russell Brand‘s sexual needs but it wasn’t enough, according to a shocking new report in Us Weekly. “Katy was kinky enough during their first times together and he was very attracted to her,” a source says. “When things got bad, if they got a roll in the hay, they were always better after.” But the source goes on to say that despite Katy’s attempts to keep the spark alive in the bedroom by scheduling monthly date nights at swanky hotels, it was “never enough.” Russell’s sexually fetishes were also reportedly hard for Katy to keep up with. “He likes dirty things,” the source says. “He really gets off on one particular porno with a guy in a wheelchair. He’s attracted to things he can’t imagine happening to him.” Adding that Russell had a closet full of sex toys.

Look when you've been inside as many vaginas as Russell Brand has, sex gets boring real quick. When the pussy isn't a challenge anymore it gets boring, so if you can bang any pussy you see at any time, then you want to see amputees in wheelchairs having sex or dog's peeing on a blonde Asian midgets tits or whatever you can find that gets you off. That's why David Bowie and Mick Jagger fucked each other. They looked outside and saw a sea of pussy and said, "christ, not that again." I mean, Katy Perry's tits are great and all, but if you had to see them everyday then it wouldn't be long until they weren't so great anymore. I guess what I'm saying is NEVER GET MARRIED.

Russell Brand is a recovered alcoholic and heroin addict and an allegedly recovered sex addict. Katy Perry partied too much for him. The Daily Mail reports:

Russell Brand filed for divorce from Katy Perry because she refused to settle down and have his children, the Sunday Mirror can reveal. The couple had a series of huge bust-ups over her partying and boozy lifestyle in the run-up to the collapse of their 14-month marriage. Comedian Russell, 36, has beaten booze and drugs addictions and wanted to shun the Hollywood clubbing scene and start a family with the Firework singer. But Katy, 27, didn’t want to become a “Hollywood housewife”. A source close to the couple said Katy took off her wedding ring and handed it back to Russell after one last devastating row a week before Christmas. The I Kissed A Girl star thought she had called her husband’s bluff and he would come running back. But it was the final straw for Russell, who simply shrugged his shoulders and flew home to his mother Barbara. The couple spent Christmas 7,000 miles apart – Katy in Hawaii, Russell in Cornwall – before he instructed his lawyers to start divorce proceedings on Friday. ... It remains unclear whether the decision to end the marriage was mutual. ... When Katy took her ring off he decided it was best he walked away. ... “Katy was surprised that Russell didn’t come running back but she had met her match. They are both strong-willed people and there has been a lot of game-playing going on.”

Katy Perry sounds like an awesome wife. In addition to dictating what her husband can wear and not banging him on their honeymoon, she also lied about her intentions when tying the knot. Katy Perry also pretty much said "fuck you" to everything her husband currently stands for at the VMAs, where he did a tribute to fellow addict and current corpse Amy Winehouse, and she raved about how drunk she was. I guess the moral of the story is, vaginas are all replaceable. So when your husband is used to cumming on three different chests a day (or at a time), you should be a little more sensitive and a little less of a cunt. Especially when you wake up looking like this.

And people wonder why the entire world is slowly realizing that organized religion is stupid. TMZ reports:

Katy Perry WANTED Russell Brand to file the court papers in their divorce ... because she didn't want to upset her religious parents ... sources connected to the former couple tell TMZ. We're told ... Katy and Russell knew the relationship was on the rocks a couple of months ago -- but didn't want to give up on the marriage without making a concerted effort to work things out. But the effort fell flat ... with both sides feeling "it just wasn't there." We're told both Katy and Russell were on board with the divorce a few weeks ago -- but they didn't want to be in town when the papers were filed ... so he went back to England and she booked it to Hawaii. Since Katy's parents are evangelical Christians, we're told she didn't want to be the one to "officially" end the marriage by filing the docs ... since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.

Sorry, maybe it's because I haven't had enough coffee yet, so I'm having a hard time catching up. But just to be clear in what they're saying here, God is cool with you abandoning your career as a Christian singer to sell your soul for fame and fortune by jacking up your tits and singing about being a lesbian and writing songs with thinly-veiled lyrics about giving blowjobs to boost California's tourism industry, but he'll strike you dead if you even think about divorcing a sex addict who's done enough heroin to kill a dragon? Wow. This God guy seems a little bipolar. Either that, or the people who follow him have no fucking idea what he's telling them. Look, if you want to say you're a Christian, then be a Christian. I'm all for it. But when you make it into a buffet lifestyle where you get to pick and choose which side dish of rules goes best with your hypocrisy and sanctimony to serve your own selfish needs, then you're not fooling anybody, sweetie. Nice tits, though.