Everybody in the damn world knows that alien technology was used to make that picture of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self, but Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the women's health magazine, is defending her choice of using CGI. People reports:

"Yes. Of course we do retouching," Danziger writes in a post on Self.com. "Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best." Calling Clarkson "the picture of confidence," Danzinger writes, "I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand."

Look, if you're gonna devote a whole article to someone you want to portray as a victimized "normal woman", it might be a good idea not to take her down 20 pants sizes for your cover. It just sends mixed signals to everyone involved. Just be honest. And by "honest", I mean you should have tied one of those turkey legs you get at the fair and took a picture of her chasing it. Because, really, who are we kidding? She totally would have.

Kelly Clarkson is a fat ass, right? I mean we can all agree about that, right? Ok, good. So, um, can somebody let her know? People reports:

"When people talk about my weight, I'm like, 'You seem to have a problem with it; I don't. I'm fine!'," Clarkson, 27, tells the September issue of Self. She also notes, "My happy weight changes. Sometimes I eat more; sometimes I play more." These days, the play part means golf ("I love it!") as well as Crossfit workouts. "It's like bootcamp!" she says of the regimen that includes sit-ups, squats and running. "You never work out more than 35 minutes, but it's so intense … It makes me feel like G.I. Jane. It's very empowering. I feel like I can whup ass!" Indeed, Clarkson's motivation for exercising isn't to lose weight. "I do it totally for my psyche," she explains. "I'm much better when those endorphins are going. It's a release. And I also love food, so there's a payoff!" The Texas native admits she still eats chicken-fried steak, but also has days when she prefers salads. "I love healthy stuff and junk an equal amount," she tells the magazine. "Whatever I'm craving, I go for it." Her secret to losing weight, in fact, is to not go on a diet: "For me, it's the times when I'm not paying attention that I end up losing weight. But I'm never trying to lose weight – or gain it. I'm just being!"

They say skinny models on the covers of magazines is what gives young girls body issues and eating disorders, but look at that banner picture for the September 2009 issue of Self. Then look at the pictures below of her performing a concert eight days ago. So either she teleported with a fly before this photoshoot or Self Magazine is blatantly misrepresenting what it looks like when a chick double fists country fried steak and Twinkies and calls 35 minutes of low-impact exercise "bootcamp". I don't know, if I was a 15-year old girl, I'd probably be throwing up too. Thanks, Kelly!

UPDATE: Self Magazine says they retouched the picture to make Clarkson look her personal best. Liposuction might also help.

When you have the caloric intake of a grizzly bear, it might not be the best idea to squeeze your fat ass in a pair of jeans eighteen sizes to small then pretend to eat somebody on stage. People might get the wrong idea. Also a bad idea? Crocs.

Note: Check out pic #2. Oh, yeah that's right, baby. Daddy like that. Shake it for me you sexy little minx!!!

I like how "curvy" really means fat now, and speaking of fat, according to fitness expert Joe Catalano, Kelly Clarkson is 165 pounds. 35 pounds overweight. So, what does Kelly plan to do about it? I'm not sure, but I think it includes bacon. Star Magazine reports:

...Kelly’s always favored a piece of cheesecake over perfection. “I’ve always been thicker,” she’s said. “I don’t believe in dieting.” And even now, says a friend, “She’s happy where she’s at. She doesn’t think being thin should be a big priority in her life.” Plus, she wants to continue to be a good role model for her more voluptuous fans. “She gets tons of fan letters telling her to stay curvy,” the source says. “The last thing she wants to do is betray those young women who look up to her by going on a crash diet.” But even though she’s just fine with being on the fuller side, Kelly’s starting to consider making a change. “She’s nervous about her health,” a friend reveals. She knows she needs to do something about the extra weight.”

It's unclear at this time exactly who looks up to Kelly Clarkson for her inspiring message of diabetes and congestive heart failure, so let's all agree Kelly Clarkson shouldn't be a role model for anything involving the word "weight". The only people that should have pictures of Kelly Clarkson taped to their refrigerator are Snuffleupagus and that chick who got taken to the hospital on a flatbed truck.

All of Kelly Clarkson's songs are about how some guy is dumb for leaving her and how he'll regret it for the rest of his life, so that's probably what she was singing about at KISS FM's Wango Tango this weekend. Another good guess? Waffles. Oh, and pie. Don't forget pie.

Kelly Clarkson was in London on Tuesday where she was photographed leaving BBC Studios. No word on why she looks so happy, but insiders say it's because she just found out that Willy Wonka's factory has a chocolate river! "It's in London?!" Kelly squealed in delight.

We can all agree that Kelly Clarkson is a fat ass, right? We can? Okay. OK! Magazine says:

Wearing leggings that hugged her every curve, Kelly Clarkson recently flaunted a svelte new figure that mirrored her strong singing style. The American Idol alum showcased her sexy look in the video for her latest single, “My Life Would Suck Without You,” which debuted during a Jan. 28 episode of the hit reality show that jump-started her career. Now fans are buzzing about her weight loss, which some experts place at as much as 20 pounds.

Please keep in mind that the below pictures were taken just two days ago. Two days. When was this "recently"? Does OK! Magazine have a time machine? When asked for comment Kelly Clarkson said, "COOKIES!!!"

Kelly Clarkson's new single, My Life Would Suck Without You, is now online. You can listen to it here if, you know, you're into that sort of thing. Weirdo.