When I was in high school, I took a lifeguard certification course. Then in the summer of my junior year, I got a job at Fantasy Lake. They gave me a whistle and let me sit in a lifeguard chair. On my first day, I pulled this chick out of the water who was having a seizure. Much to my surprise, people thought I was a lifeguard. This story is kinda like that. Us Magazine reports:

For years, Kelly Clarkson's sexuality has been called into question. But during an appearance on The View Thursday, the 29-year-old American Idol champ decided to set the record straight once and for all. "I'm from a small town, so everyone's married with children or about to have children. It's a little hard when you go home and people are like -- and that's why people think I'm gay -- because they're like, 'Why aren't you married?' And I'm like, 'It doesn't happen for everyone right off the bat!'" "I've dated some cool guys, but I don't know if I've dated someone where I could spend my whole life with them," Clarkson added. "The last date I went on was horrible, so I'd like to go on a good date."

She never really says she's not a lesbian, so let's just all assume she is one. Although I am sorry that she's been on so many horrible dates lately. But in their defense, not many people can name everything that's in a Grand Slam.

Knowing a tsunami is no match for her thighs, Kelly Clarkson went to Hawaii this weekend in a bikini. Then the Hawaiian people rejoiced and sacrificed a goat and really skinny black guy asked her out.

What do I have to say about Kelly Brook in Barbados in another bikini s? Not much. Oh, and by the way, my penis could push an elephant up a staircase or launch a rocket into space right now. Just FYI.

In June 2007, Kelly Clarkson released her third album, My December, in which she wrote all the songs. The head of Sony-BMG, Clive Davis, said the album sucked prior to it's release and told Clarkson that she should scrap the entire album and perform songs written by known hitmakers. Clarkson refused. The album produced two singles, Never Again and Sober. Both singles got poor radio airplay and were pulled from station's rotations within weeks. You'd think she'd learn by know, right? Um, no not really. Popeater reports:

Kelly Clarkson is mad as hell, and she's not going to take it anymore ... but she will sing about it! The 'American Idol' queen has always maintained a cool-and-collected public persona, though with her new tune, she's making it clear that she's not exactly happy with her record label and a songwriter(s?). In her new tune, 'Wash, Rinse, Repeat,' Clarkson rails against the music industry, and even makes veiled metaphors to a situation last year where she was accused of ripping off a Beyonce song, which she later put the blame on her songwriter for. The song, lyrics and backstory after the jump! In Clarkson's new tune (which is admittedly pretty roughly produced and probably wasn't meant to leak), she sings that she "Can't take the pressure of new / Give me old, flip it off let's see if it sticks to the wall again ... Give it to them, they will never notice, so what's stopping us? / Does it sound familiar, does it linger in your ear like something you remember from just last year...?"

If she's worried about artistic integrity, maybe she shouldn't have entered a glorified karaoke contest. Just sayin. During his 40 year career, Clive Davis discovered and/or signed such artists as Pink Floyd, Aerosmith, Whitney Houston, Janis Joplin, Alicia Keys and Christina Aguilera. During her career, Kelly Clarkson signed Cracker Barrel receipts. Under Clive Davis, CBS doubled its market share in three years. Kelly Clarkson doubled her caloric intake. It's no wonder these two giants of the music business clashed. They're just too much alike.

I don't know if the people at Tide were laughing hysterically when they asked Kelly Clarkson to participate in an event with the word "loads" in it, but here she is demonstrating what she does when she gets chocolate bacon on her shirt at Tide Loads of Hope. It's unsure if they paid her for this, but let's hope they did, because this is pretty much all the endorsements she can get. To reiterate, it's Kelly Clarkson. The best she can hope for is to get a check for saying, "They plump when you cook 'em!"

GrimaceKelly Clarkson performed a concert in San Jose, CA last night where she sang Michael Jackson's "Rock Wit You" with her opening act Eric Hutchinson. Besides being able to see Clarkson's gigantic ass from space, I have no idea who Eric Hutchinson is. Perez Hilton sent his album to the Top Ten on iTunes, so I assume he sings songs about unicorns and tossing salads. "Salads?", Kelly Clarkson was overheard as saying. "Oh my God, ewwww."

Kelly Clarkson was on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self Magazine where she said "My happy weight changes. Sometimes I eat more; sometimes I play more." These days, the play part means golf ("I love it!") as well as Crossfit workouts. "It's like bootcamp!" she says of the regimen that includes sit-ups, squats and running. "You never work out more than 35 minutes, but it's so intense … It makes me feel like G.I. Jane. It's very empowering. I feel like I can whup ass!". And you can totally tell it's been working, because look at her last night at the AMAs. She looks amazing! Especially since I guess "whup ass" means "swallow a whole fudge baked turkey". Jesus, you'd have to teleport with a fly to like sweets as much as this beast.

Everybody in the damn world knows that alien technology was used to make that picture of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of the September 2009 issue of Self, but Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the women's health magazine, is defending her choice of using CGI. People reports:

"Yes. Of course we do retouching," Danziger writes in a post on Self.com. "Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best." Calling Clarkson "the picture of confidence," Danzinger writes, "I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand."

Look, if you're gonna devote a whole article to someone you want to portray as a victimized "normal woman", it might be a good idea not to take her down 20 pants sizes for your cover. It just sends mixed signals to everyone involved. Just be honest. And by "honest", I mean you should have tied one of those turkey legs you get at the fair and took a picture of her chasing it. Because, really, who are we kidding? She totally would have.