It's hard to tell what has Kevin Federline so excited. If I had to guess, I'd say it's because Goldilocks found his bed too hard or John Doe ran out of spaghetti.

Britney Spears and her wigger ex-husband, Kevin Federline, were allegedly caught having sex by his current girlfriend. Apparently anybody could have found them because they've been doing it everywhere. Let me be the first to say, "um, ewww." Star Magazine reports:

"It's like they're newlyweds all over again," a family insider tells Star Britney and Kevin, who have been traveling together for much of her Circus tour. "Brit and Kevin can't keep their hands off each other! The flings have made them both a lot happier." Britney loves it when Kevin puts the moves on her, and she's making her own too, says an insider. "She definitely knows how to fan the flames!" But there's one rather tall issue standing in the way — Kevin's girlfriend, 5'10 ex-volleyball star Victoria Prince, who actually caught Britney and Kevin having sex on the sly! Victoria "caught him with his hand in the cookie jar," says a source.

Awesome. I can't speak for everyone, but boy, just imagine, walking into a room that smells like Hennesy and pork rinds to see two tubby rednecks struggling to breathe trying to change into reverse cowgirl. I mean, I can't be the only one turned on right now, can I?

Classic Hairy Britney Ass:

Kevin Federline has been virtually silent since his divorce from Britney Spears last year, but in a new interview with People he finally speaks:

"What went wrong?
It's hard enough to be in a marriage, and then have a kid, then kids, it changes everything. For me, I'd become more concerned with my children. Not that I ignored Britney, but my kids are always most important ... I mean, we were having complications. I didn't give her an ultimatum, but I was trying to work stuff out with her, and she didn't even talk to me or anything and went behind my back and filed [for divorce]. [I was] completely blindsided.

A lot of people assumed you fought for custody of the kids because of money.
My first question to [my lawyer] was, "Am I ever going to be able to see my children?" I told him that I would spend every last dime that I had to make sure that my children are okay. That's all that mattered. I didn't know how much power Britney had. That really scared me.

How did you react in January when Britney locked herself in the bathroom with Jayden and was later taken to the hospital on a gurney?
That whole night is a blur. You want to talk about one of my lowest points of depression, that was probably one of them. I was very, very worried for her 'cause I care about her. That's the mother of my children. Just because I'm not in love with her doesn't mean that I don't love her. I'm definitely rooting for her. There's nothing more that I want than for her to be in the best health and doing what she loves to do.

Are things getting better?
Oh, man, it's totally turning around. It works out that [the kids] get to see her. There's structure over there, there's structure at my house. We're trying to keep the same type of schedule. It doesn't have to be completely perfect, but the foundation is there."

Is People sure this was Kevin Federline? They might want to confirm that. Because I've read through this whole thing twice and nowhere does anybody mention cornrows or waterbongs.

Britney performing on Good Morning America (her kids look happy to be there):



Britney at her birthday party at Tenjune in New York City last night:


Photos: GMA pics - Splash

While taking time off from whatever the hell he does during the day, Kevin Federline attended Ryan Sheckler's X Games Celebrity Skins Classic in L.A. yesterday where he was asked a simple question. Do I want to punch him? Yes, yes I do. People reports:

Asked how he is doing these days, the single dad told PEOPLE: "Been having a good summer, I can't complain."

It would be hard to complain when you get $20,000 a month for not pulling out of Britney Spears twice. However, it is quite easy to complain when you find out that, Tatiana, the Russian mail order bride you bought, has TMJ. Honestly, Tatiana, I just don't know what you bring to this relationship.

After years of court battles and depositions, the child custody case between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is finally over. In what shouldn't come as a shock to anyone, Britney Spears signed over full custody to Kevin Federline. OK! reports:

In an exclusive interview with OK!, Kevin's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan says both Britney and Kevin reached and signed off on a settlement in their custody case today. Kaplan tells OK!, "At about 8 p.m. PT, a final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time. The agreement will be presented to the court in the morning for approval by the commissioner." Kaplan adds, "Kevin is ecstatic and the boys are thriving."

To be an active participant in a child custody case, you have to actually want your kids, so I guess Britney Spears is glad all this is finally over. She doesn't have to pretend anymore. And I don't blame her. Because, really, little kids aren't even all that fun. They never have their own cigarettes and they're always wasting their beer. I hate to generalize, but quite frankly, little kids just don't know how to party.

Britney and Lynn at a restaurant last week:

Although they are in the midst of a heated custody battle, sources say Britney Spears and her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, are staying in regular contact. And by "regular contact" I mean "phone sex." Ewww. Star Magazine reports:

Recently, when Britney was having a sleepless night, she decided to call Kevin at nearly 2 a.m. While they initially chatted about their boys - Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months - the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out - with hours of erotic talk! "They have phone sex often - at least once a week," an insider tells Star. "The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."

I can see how this could take K-Fed a few hours. That new Paula Deen cookbook is pretty thick.

Britney at a recording studio last night:

In the world's least surprising story, Britney Spears' sons want nothing to do with her when it's time for scheduled visitations. Sean Preston is reportedly sleeping in the same bed as Kevin Federline because the little guy has been suffering from nightmares, and when Britney arrives to pick her sons up, they cry for their father. PageSix.com says:

Jamie told Kevin that Britney handled the visit well. She actually did cry, but that was only because Sean cried when she took them from Kevin," says the insider...The boys are said to be confused when it comes to their mom, which is another reason why either Jamie Spears or a psychologist is present during the visits. "Jamie plays with them and keeps them busy. They enjoy their grandfather, so it makes the time easier," says the source. Part of the problem is that Britney treats her sons more like dolls than children. "She dresses them for show and tell," says the insider. "She likes to show them off, but not give them the nurturing they need. I understand she is working on this part of her motherhood with her psychiatrist."

It must make Britney feel all warm inside knowing that her kids think she's some monster that lives under their bed. I wouldn't be surprised if Sean Preston wakes up Jayden James in the middle of the night to sharpen stakes and melt silver coins. "One of these better fuckin' work, " Sean Preston was overheard saying.

Britney and her paparazzi entourage on Robertson Blvd. yesterday:

Britney Spears had a custody hearing today which was scheduled at around 9:30 a.m. Pacific time. She was a no-show until around 1:15 p.m. Pacific. The black SUV was driven by her head parasite, Osama Lufti, and also in the car was her paparazzo boyfriend, Adnan Ghalib. She arrived at the courthouse clad in a slutty, white lace dress. She entered the courthouse and left only a few minutes later. Then she went to a church and left a few minutes later. Then she went to a mall on Ventura Blvd. and ate at the Gaucho Grill. Then she went home with Osama and Adnan.

Then she strapped a bomb to her back, went to Starbucks, screamed "Caramel, extra whip, PRAISE ALLAH, BOOM!!" See, gotcha there, didn't I?

Update: Osama + Adnan + Sheeraz =


Update: The court rules Britney still can't have custody or visitation rights. TMZ reports:

The Commissioner has just ruled that Britney will not have visitation restored, at least until the next hearing on February 19. The order came after the testimony several people, including two LAPD cops who responded to the craziness a week ago Thursday; Lisa Hacker, a parenting coach; Loni Jones, a bodyguard, and Pamela Strong, the court monitor who was present during the drama. K-Fed's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan testified as well.

Story developing ..."