Kevin Federline somehow managed to get a recurring role on the CW show, One Tree Hill. Here's the promo clip. He looks like a complete tard, but please keep in mind that his ex-wife has sold 66 million albums worldwide yet he's the one on television and with sole custody of their kids. Meanwhile, Britney is taking romantic shopping tours of Mexico with a guy who used to hide in her bushes and stalk her like she was a deer. The only thing left for Federline to do at this point is run down the street with the Olympic torch, because it's pretty clear who's won this race.

Britney and her paparazzo boyfriend in Mexico yesterday:

Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton hooked up at Pure in Las Vegas this weekend? What took so long? Page Six says:

Paris whispered some pretty sweet and enticing words in Kevin's ear," a Federline family insider told PageSix.com. "She basically asked him where he was staying and if he wanted to visit her in her own suite." According to the source, Kevin passed, but he said, "It will not be so easy to deny her next time."

There are several conflicting reports about who approached who and whether or not they spent the night together, but it's not really hard to imagine what happened. Paris hands out the ass like breath mints and K-Fed is known for getting skanks pregnant. So in nine months when Paris is carrying a baby who's wearing special ordered shoes and a powder blue Starter jacket, you can tell all your friends you were right.

Even though she wasn't on the guest list, Britney Spears was ready to make a surprise visit to a Maxim-hosted party on Tuesday. Then her friends told Britney that Maxim named her one of The Five Unsexiest Women Alive. When you've stopped laughing, OK! Magazine reports:

She started to pout and her eyes were filling up with tears. She had no idea there was such a thing as an Unsexy list and it came as a pretty big shock." So why give the pop tart the bad news at all? "We didn't want her to get inside Opera and have people coming up to her or telling her she was a part of that list," explains the friend. "It would have been really bad if she had had a breakdown inside the club in front of everyone and she wanted to go out and have a good time and forget all the drama at home." In the end, the pop star barely slowed her car down as she drove past the club, instead heading to Mirabelle restaurant in West Hollywood with pal Sam Lutfi. Says the friend, "Brit's been talking about demanding an apology from Maxim."

Yesterday, lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were in court to discuss why Britney Spears has missed 8 of her 14 random drug tests. Mark Vincent Kaplan, Federline's lawyer, argued this makes the fourth time the judge has reprimanded Britney for this. Britney's lawyer, well, might need to go back to law school. People reports:

Spears' lawyer, Anne Kiley, called the current drug testing procedure "unconstitutional," adding that just because the singer may fail to respond to testing calls doesn't mean she's using drugs...When Commissioner Gordon stated that responding to a morning call wasn't an extreme request, Kiley shot back: "But you're not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote."

Man, what a week of revelations for Britney. Because, just so we're perfectly clear, Blackout is #2 on the Billboard chart and Britney's record label, Jive, has given up on trying to make Britney get off her ass and promote her album. And something else that might have slipped Britney's mind, she's gross. She's whatever means the opposite of "sexy." I could be on a deserted island with Britney Spears and the remains of an unfrozen cavewoman and I'd be bringing the cavewoman fresh cut flowers and throwing her picnics.

Britney inhaling cookies while shopping for her new $200,000 Mercedes on Nov. 7th:

Kalie Machado, Britney Spears' former assistant who leaked these pictures last week, says Britney kept a shrine dedicated to Kevin Federline in her house and regularly cried uncontrollably (McDonald's stopped serving breakfast?) after he left her.

Britney kept her wedding dress in a case on the wall in the entrance of her Malibu house. She kept all Kevin's clothes and she would wander into his wardrobe looking at them. You could say it was a shrine to him. She was incredibly sad and lonely while I was with her. I could tell she desperately wanted him back. She'd burst into tears when he wouldn't return her calls. She'd cry at night a lot."

Britney was just ordered to pay $120K of Kevin Federline's legal fees yesterday, so that should make her feel better. Not really. She must hate knowing that Federline is the Julius Peppers of this child custody case. He's raking in bank despite not really doing much. That's easy when the mother of your kids is Britney Spears. As long as Kevin doesn't drop Sean Preston and Jayden James down a well or abandon them in the woods with nothing but breadcrumbs. He could carry around a severed head in a box and Britney would still be only able to manage monitored visitation.

Britney parked in a handicapped spot while she went tanning Nov. 3:


Source

Ex-Playmate Nicole Narain, Kevin Federline's new girlfriend and co-star of the Colin Farrell sex tape, is yet another person saying Britney Spears is mentally unstable and an unfit mother. The Sun reports:

The model, who once starred in a sex tape with ex-lover Colin Farrel, made several shocking claims, including:

* Britney was caught breast-feeding her son Jayden while she was drunk on vodka.

* Kevin fears her erratic behaviour has left their two sons permanently 'damaged'.

* Brit has been warned several times not to leave the boys in her swimming pool unsupervised and in her car without seatbelts.

* Britney once made a pass at Nicole when they were in the toilet together."

Kevin reportedly told Nicole: "I'd see her walking around the house guzzling vodka and Coke and looking very tipsy. Then a few moments later, I saw her pick up Jayden and start breast-feeding him." Nicole went on to describe K-Fed's fears for Britney's life, "She's lost all grasp on reality and is dragging the children through hell. "Her mood swings are now so wild that I live in fear of getting a call telling me she has killed herself."

This stuff may or may not have been covered in court on Friday, but whatever it was, it wasn't good. Britney left the courtroom during the hearing several times and when a reporter asked how she was doing, Britney simply replied:

Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!"

It should really make you take pause when Kevin Federline and chick from a sex tape are the voices of reason in your ongoing child custody case. That is, unless you're Britney Spears. I don't know if there's a way to measure the level of retarded that Britney is, but she continues to believe the whole world loves her regardless of everything she does. Meanwhile, Sean Preston and Jayden James are MapQuesting Angelina's house and putting the finishing touches on their Maddox and Zahara costumes. "We break in at dawn. Then we wait..." Sean Preston was overheard as saying.

Britney on October 25th:

Britney Spears hasn't won anything in a while, so let me be the first to congratulate her on being Hollywood's worst mother of all time. New York Daily News reports:

It's official: Britney Spears is Hollywood's worst mother - ever....The laundry list of poor treatment is long. Spears reportedly abused drugs and alcohol while caring for the boys, strutted around the house naked, fed the babies gum and other sugary sweets and never bothered to brush their teeth. Worse, she put them in constant danger on the road when, legally, she shouldn't even have been behind the wheel. When Sean Preston was only 4 months old, Spears peeled out of a Malibu Starbucks with the baby on her lap and one hand on the wheel. Then there was the time she nearly dropped him in New York. Spears has treated these two little boys like rag dolls, trotting them out in public fully knowing an aggressive paparazzi mob awaited at every turn, and then mistreating them at home with her parental feebleness."

Also, TMZ is reporting the reason Britney lost custody is as follows:

Spears was ordered to meet with a drug counselor -- she didn't do it.

Spears was ordered to submit to drug testing -- she didn't do it.

Spears was ordered to enroll in parenting classes -- didn't do it.

Spears was also required to sign the judge's order -- again, she didn't.

And last Friday, Commissioner Gordon prohibited both Spears and K-Fed from driving the children unless they had a valid California driver's license. Gordon was pissed today when TMZ posted video of Spears cavalierly driving her kids around Malibu.

In short, Spears did everything wrong ... by doing nothing."

Just so we're clear, Britney Spears is too in love with herself to commit suicide. And now that she's finally rid of her kids, life will be nothing but rainbow meadow jubilee of cigarettes, alcohol, and meth. And please, don't bother telling me she cares about her kids. She handed them over to Kevin Federline a full two days earlier than the judge requested, then she went tanning. The only way Britney Spears dies will be by complete accident. Like if she chokes to death because she forgets to take the wrapper off her Double Six Dollar Burger or if somebody doesn't remember to take the chicken bones out of her ice cream.

Here are the first shots of Britney after she learned she'd lost custody of her kids yesterday. Man, she just looks so heartbroken:


Images via ubrit.com

Britney Spears was photographed by a billion paparazzi blatantly breaking the law, again, and driving without a valid California driver license with her kids in the car, again yesterday. So K-Fed's attorney went to court today, again, and asked for his kids, again. And this time he got them. This Wednesday at noon Britney officially loses physical custody of her children.

Spears' former husband, Kevin Federline, is to retain custody of their two sons "until further order of the court," according to a ruling by Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon."

I'm pretty sure I heard Britney's sigh of relief from here. She's probably had their bags packed for months. Really, this whole mess would have been avoided if Britney's mother had an abortion 25 years ago.


Source

Despite false reports to the contrary, a judge ruled today that Britney Spears' 50/50 custody arrangement with K-Fed will remain intact. However,

The judge in the Britney Spears custody battle found that "there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol by (Britney). " The judge has ordered Britney "to undergo testing for the use of controlled substances and alcohol." Testing will be conducted randomly twice a week.

According to [the] judge's order, no changes were made yesterday in the custody arrangement. As we first reported, custody is split 50/50 between Britney and K-Fed. He wants to change it to 70/30 in his favor.

The documents underscore the bitterness in the custody battle. Judge Scott Gordon ruled that "Each party is restrained from making derogatory remarks about the other party and the other party's family or significant other..."

The judge also prohibits Brit and K-Fed from "using corporal punishment with the minor children and from allowing anyone else to do so."

The judge also ordered the battling parents "to engage in joint co-parenting counseling." The order continues, "Each party is ordered to complete the PARENTING WITHOUT CONFLICT program."

The judge went on, "Neither party shall consume alcohol, or other non-prescription controlled substance during or for the 12 hours immediately preceding any period such party is responsible for the health and safety of the minor children."

In addition to the co-parenting counseling classes, the judge also ordered Britney Spears to meet separately with a parenting coach a minimum of eight hours a week. The coach must observe Britney's interactions with her children and provide progress reports to the court. But good luck getting dumb ass Britney to understand the severity of this situation. I heard when she received these legal documents, Britney rolled her kids in the papers and smoked them.

Here's Britney walking around outside her house in a bra and underwear yesterday while her ex-bodyguard was telling the world what a skank she is:


Source: TMZ

Note: Before everyone goes nuts over that "corporal punishment" stuff, those are very typical and standard orders in custody battles where the parenting skills of one and/or both parents are in question.

Update: The pictures above were dated yesterday, but the ones below are dated today, so I have no idea what's going on other than the fact that Britney LOVES Haagen-Dazs.