Kim Kardashian doesn't want her divorce televised. Radar Online says:

Kim Kardashian has instructed her high powered divorce attorney, Laura Wasser, to formally petition that her divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries, be heard by a private mediator and doesn't want it to play out in public or on camera, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. ... Kris wants a judge to throw out the pre-nup the couple signed so he won't be muzzled by the confidentiality clause of the agreement, and he is willing to go to trial to get what he wants. “A public trial is the last thing that Kim wants, and she has instructed her lawyer to formally petition the court so that the divorce can be heard by a mediator, which is routinely done in California, since it's a no-fault state,” a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com. “Kim doesn't want a long drawn out trial. She wants the mediation to be private, confidential, and legally binding. She and Kris have no assets together and kept separate bank accounts, so this is a fairly routine divorce proceeding. Kim just wants this over and done with.”

Seriously? Fuck her. She publicizes her entire life and shows up to milkshake shop openings in the Middle East for attention, but now she wants privacy? The only reason Kim Kardashian doesn't want a trial televised is that she may not have complete editorial control over it. It'd probably be tough to rent out a courtroom and get everyone to show up again in a few months for re-shoots to make her look sympathetic. Plus, she's clearly not good at pretending to cry since she can't really move her face.

Last week reports surfaced that my imaginary sidepiece, Mark Sanchez, was boning Kim Kardashian on the low. Not so, claims TMZ, because Kim's done whoring it out to the NFL.

Kim Kardashian isn't secretly dating Mark Sanchez ... she's not interested in Tim Tebow -- in fact, sources tell TMZ, the reality star is completely DONE with football players in general ... all thanks to Reggie Bush. In case you haven't heard -- there were reports Kim and Mark were seeing each other on the DL whenever she was in New York. There were other rumors Kim came on to Tim Tebow because of his old-fashioned values. But we're told ... it's all BS. Sources close to Kim tell us, her break-up with Bush in 2010 was so rough ... she has lost her taste for NFL players entirely -- and has no plans to play the field in the near future.

Obviously, Kim was too old for him, but I think they actually could have made this work. It only makes sense for a wetback to be into water sports.

Because stretched out denim and body hair removal is sexy, here's the three whores of the apocalypse posing naked to whore out their new denim line. The jeans, of course, are from the Kardashian Kollection. The clothing line made by Chinese kids hooked up to a car battery in case they forget just who in the fuck they're working for. Kris Jenner pays them in marbles and dog treats, she can't just give this shit away you know. I heard that if a worker doesn't place a portrait of Kris Jenner in a prominent place above their work area that she saws off their feet and feeds them to Khloe. Then Khloe bathes in their blood and wrestles an alligator to strike fear into their hearts. I may have just made that last part up because of my seething hatred toward the whole family, but ask yourself friends, does anyone know for sure? Do they really know?

You're not gonna believe this, but Keeping Up With The Kardashians is a completely fabricated and scripted subversion on a mass scale disguised as a reality television series "focusing on the personal and professional lives of the members of the Kardashian and Jenner family" to make Kris Jenner and E! as much money as they possibly can. Radar Online reports:

In the latest example of staging, cameras captured Humphries proposing to Kardashian in the bedroom of her mansion. Kris had wanted to propose to Kim in Minnesota, but he had absolutely no control over how it all went down. "Kim told Kris how, where and when to propose, it was absolutely no surprise to her whatsoever, a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com exclusively. "First of all, Kris proposed in the middle of the day, and he had to do that because it would create better lighting to capture the moment. Kim looked so surprised but she knew it was happening," the source says. "She was in full hair and make-up, as she always is on the show. Kris wanted it to be very intimate and romantic, but all of his ideas were shot down by production officials and Kim. "Kim told him the paparazzi would ruin the special moment if it were to take place in a public setting, like the beach, which he had also considered. How romantic could it be with three camera crews?"

If you want to know how Kim Kardashian basically seems genetically hardwired to be a money-grubbing attention whore with no remorse or soul, read the Kris Jenner/Robert Kardashian divorce documents that were just released. The whore got it honest. And you remember the touching scene during their trip to Dubai where Kim confides in her mom about her "marital issues" and appears to be very remorseful? You do? Because that scene was filmed in a studio in Los Angeles and written to garner sympathy for Kim. Um, what are you waiting for Jihadists? Trouble finding Calabassas on a map? I know you're good with New York already.

"LOL I have to pay this Chinese person or whatever she is. Any black guys outside?"

Because Kris Jenner doesn't have full editorial control and isn't allowed to make the truth into a lie, the founder of BoycottKim.com is being sued by the Kardashians. Imagine that. Fox News reports:

A web site blasting all things Kim Kardashian has finally gotten under the reality star’s skin. Kim Kardashian has reportedly sicced her high-powered lawyers on the founder of BoycottKim.com, a web site that claims, among other things, that the Kardashians are “un-American” and that the family is "a stain on our culture" and "an embarrassment for our country." The founder of BoycottKim.com was contacted by the Kardashian family’s general counsel Christopher T. Wilson, who said that hard-boiled Hollywood attorney Martin Singer intended to file a criminal harassment complaint against him. “They try to scare you,” the web site’s founder, who laughed off the threats, told the New York Daily News. “They do not want bad publicity.” During what is described as a “lengthy phone conversation” between the web site’s founder and Wilson, the attorney “expressed dismay” over an item on the site suggesting that readers contact Singer to voice their opinion on published reports that Kardashian-endorsed products were made in Chinese sweatshops. The founder of BoycottKim.com, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that he “did not encourage anyone to harass” Singer, but instead “encouraged them to call with their own personal opinion." Singer's name and contact information has since been removed from the site. BoycottKim.com has gathered more than 512,000 signatures from people who have pledged not to do business with companies associated with the Kardashian clan.

I really don't have a joke here, but if my monthly stats are correct, if every one of you signs this petition, we can increase their signatures by 600%. So get on that. Look, your porn or the website about cats will still be there when you're done. Jesus, it will only take a minute, asshole. Quit being such a little bitch.

Kris Jenner is Buddy Israel. I hope everyone realizes that:

As soon as the curtain was pulled back on the Kardashians after Kim Kardashian's fake, E!-sponsored wedding to Kris Humphries exposed them as the lying, anything-for-fame whores that they are, Kris Jenner and E! have done everything in their power to paint their cash cow, Kim Kardashian, as a helpless victim of love and a selfless humanitarian who all of a sudden cares about the people in Haiti. People are stupid, so of course they're buying it. But hey, remember when Reggie Bush dumped Kim in 2010 then Kanye West and Amber Rose broke up in 2010, then Kanye was on Kim's show but they told everybody they were just friends? Oh, you do? Oh, good! Radar Online reports:

“Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together,” Amber exclusively told Star. “She’s a homewrecker!” According to Amber, she was dating Kanye when he and Kim first hooked up -- and Kim was dating NFL star Reggie Bush! “They were both cheating,” Amber, 28, said. “They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other.”

Well, let's not get carried away here, Amber. Maybe Kanye and Kim connected at an emotional level as two people trying to juggle relationships in the spotlight oh wait no that's not it they were totally fucking and Kim is a deceitful bitch.

Amber says it was Kim, 31, who instigated the whole affair by calling, texting and sending racy photos of herself to Kanye.“She was sending pictures, and I was like, ‘Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person,’” but apparently Kim didn’t care enough to respond when Amber emailed her for an explanation. “I thought at least she’d be woman enough to respond to me. She never responded.” Amber slammed Kim for her cheating ways. “It’s very important that us women stick together and we don’t f**k each other over like that.” However, Amber is current dating Wiz Khalifa, 24, and has credited Kim for helping her find true love. “I want to thank her,” she said about Kim. “Because if she was never a homewrecker, then I never would have met Wiz, and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.”

So, Kim Kardashian was in a relationship with Reggie Bush (and even picked out engagement rings), but was texting Kanye West titty pics the whole time then didn't even have the balls or decency to admit it or apologize once she was called out on it? Man, I can't even believe what I'm hearing. It's almost like the heavily-edited, scripted drama executive produced by Kim's mother purposefully lied to me. Hang on, I need to sit down for a minute. The shock is just simply too much for me to process right now.

Kim Kardashian at LAX yesterday on her way to Dallas. You hear that, Vince Carter? Awww yeah:

While Chinese kids hold in their pee to sew together the dresses for her Kollection for $15 a month, Kim Kardashian kommands $600,000 to appear in Vegas and do nothing. Radar Online reports:

The big winner is Kim Kardashian currently embroiled in a scandal about sweatshop conditions at the Chinese factories that manufacture some of her clothing lines. The former Mrs. Kris Humphries is being paid an estimated $600,000 to appear at Tao. The fee is part of a large, multi-event deal. Also in Las Vegas, Black Eyed Pea Fergie is earning about $100,000 for playing the new 1Oak at the Mirage Hotel and Casino, reports The New York Post. Ashton Kutcher had several big money offers but turned them all down. Katy Perry, a source tells The Post, was asking $250,000 to appear but not perform at a club. So far, have not been any takers. P. Diddy was in talks to perform at the opening of Hyde in Vegas but the deal wasn't to his liking ... Other reality stars including Kourtney Kardashian and her baby daddy Scott Disick, and several members of the Jersey Shore are also making Vegas appearances.

Fergie is the cheapest one here and is the only one who would actually be doing anything for her money (though in Katy Perry's defense, she should never be paid to sing whatsoever). The rest of this list should never be paid to show up anywhere other than a shooting range.

E! News waited until 4pm yesterday to acknowledge that their cash cows use Chinese slave labor, and in a shocking turn, it was completely slanted and subjective. I think I'm using the word "shocking" wrong.

"The story is not true," the Kardashians' rep, Jill Fritzo, tells E! News. The family was tipped off the explosive allegations after the dubious tandem of Star magazine and Radar claimed that certain items from the K-Dash by Kardashian label, the Kris Jenner Kollection and ShoeDazzle, a company cofounded by Kim Kardashian, were made under horrific conditions. The publications alleged factory employees often work up to 84 hours a week in non-air-conditioned facilities and earn only $1 an hour. That prompted a probe by the watchdog group Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights. The family itself said it was taking the accusations "very seriously," and after checking things out determined the report was wrong.

Kris Jenner is taking the allegations so seriously in fact that instead of flying to China personally to see the working conditions of these factories that allow her to make $65M in profit instead of $10M herself, she's now suing anyone who might have the audacity to suggest that her sole purpose in life is to make as much money as she can.
TMZ reports:

The Kardashian family is preparing for war -- gearing up to unleash a legal attack on everyone who claimed their clothing line is manufactured in child slave labor sweat shops in China ... TMZ has learned. Sources close to the family tell us ... Kris Jenner is furious -- claiming the guy who runs the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights had no right to accuse the Kardashian brands of wrongdoing because he has no tangible proof to back up his claims. Jenner also believes Star Magazine's cover -- which screamed "Kardashian Sweatshop Scandal" -- was not only unfair ... but libelous ... and it should have to pay for any damage that has been caused to the brand's reputation.

Kris Jenner exploits and whores out her own children on primetime television, so let's not kid ourselves into thinking she gives one fuck about some starving Chinese kid making her shitty clothes 84 hours a week. The Kardashian family is a microcasm of everything that is wrong with America. It's funny how the whole family feigns concern about the genocide in Armenia and the atrocious conditions in Haiti, but have no problem putting a shock collar around some Chinese kid's neck with no other options if he doesn't make his daily quota of cropped fur vests. Fuck them I guess is what I'm trying to say.