Here's more pics of Kim Kardashian in a bikini whoring for Sierra Mist. My penis can't handle carbonation, so I'm trying to figure out how Kim's huge boobs on a trampoline are supposed to make me thirsty for the clean, crisp zing of naturally flavored lemon-lime soda. If Sierra Mist just wants me to jerk off, I think they should just come out and say it.

I have no idea how the Army Corps of Engineers got Kim Kardashian in this flag girl outfit for Pepsi Max Bullrun, but good luck trying to get it off. I'm thinking baby powder and the jaws of life. Or a magic spell. I assume it's not a good look when from behind you look like a snake that just swallowed a boar.

I realize her makeup looks like it was put on with something Homer Simpson made, but holy shit, Kim Kardashian's body is sick. If she wasn't such a vapid whore, I might try to holla at her. And I only say "holla" because that's like a mating call she's used to I think. I might also have to cover my self in the scent of Swisher Sweets and cocoa butter, but let's be honest, I pretended to like Dave Mattews Band to titty fuck this chick named Nikki, so let's don't start giving me too much credit.

Yesterday, Kim Kardashian's publicist, whose job it is to keep this whore's name in the news, "mistakenly" told Star Magazine that Kim Kardashian was engaged to New Orleans Saints running back, Reggie Bush. Almost immediately, she took to her blog to deny the story. Oh, my! What controversy!

"I am not engaged!!! My new publicist was talking with Star Magazine earlier today and accidently referred to Reggie as my fiance so they posted the news on their website! There have been so many rumors flying around recently about Reggie and I being engaged that she assumed we were! So, sorry Star Magazine for ruining your exclusive! It's totally my publicist's fault haha. She said she gets so many wedding
requests she thought we were actually engaged. The rumors about me picking out my ring recently are also not true! I don't know where all this comes from!! Don't worry guys, you will be the first to know if and when I get engaged!!... Well after I tell my family, of course! .

Who knows if these two are engaged or not. I poured myself a drink and stepped out on my balcony to ponder it, but as it turns out, I don't give a fuck.

I guess individually, Emmy Rossum and Michelle Tratchenberg are kinda sorta pretty, but good luck trying to get somebody to notice them when Kim Kardashian has her gigantic rack hanging out in every picture. Standing next to those two, Kim looks like some comic book warrior princess who'd try to force a stranded astronaut to repopulate her home planet. The only way Emmy Rossum and Michelle Tratchenberg could have gotten people to look at them is if they had antlers.

Who the hell knows why Kim Kardashian tried to dye her hair blonde this weekend. Just like I'm not sure why Asian chicks do it. Seriously, am I supposed to be fooled? You're Asian, did your mom get raped by an elf or something, because your hair looks like kinda weird, man. Have you ever seen antlers on a bunny rabbit? Yeah, your hair looks kinda like that. I know that you're hoping that I mean your hair looks fantastic and inimitable, but please realize I mean you look fucking ridiculous.

I don't know what kind of funhouse mirror Kim Kardashian has at her house to make her think she's not a fat ass, but somebody really needs to sit her down and point out that from the waist down she looks like a centaur. That way, she won't be offended when UsWeekly mentions her in an article about Forever 21's new plus-sized line. You know, like she is now.

I feel that this clipping from Us Magazine is a bit misleading, so I wanted to comment on it. I am a huge fan of Forever 21 and I'm very happy they have expanded their line to include a plus-size range, but I am not in that size category and this article makes it sound like I am! I am a curvy girl and I love my curves, but curvy and plus-sized are two very different things. I work really hard to maintain my curves while staying slim and healthy, so to be classed as a "fuller-figured woman" of extra large proportions is a little offensive. For the record, I am a size 2, not 2XL.

I'm sorry, but bitch please. A size 2? Your ass looks like part of a seal that was cut out of a shark. The only way you'd be a size 2 is if the Berenstain Bears started making clothes.

On her blog today, Kim Kardashian says that she hopes to have a six-pack by the summer. No, not donuts. The other kind. She says:

"I have been going sooo hard in the gym, and I really feel it's paying off!" she blogs. "My tummy is soo toned. Why is it that the top part gets ripped first and the lower part is sooo hard to tone up!? I am determined to have a six pack by summer! In a feminine way, of course."

Us Magazine adds:

The 5-foot-2, 118-pound Kardashian, 28, recently opened up to Us Weekly about how she whittled her size-6 physique down to a size 2. Her routine involves "an upbeat warm-up, then upper-body cardio using 5-pound weights, a lower-body workout with squats and lunges," she told Us. She finishes it off "with an abs series and stretching."

Really? 5'2", 118 pounds? Did she get cursed by a gypsy recently that I don't know about? Because, if not, I'm going to go ahead and say the last time she weighed 118 pounds is when she was in space. She deserves a hand for working out, but let's not pretend her jeans don't look like a snake that just swallowed a calf. The only way she can be 118 pounds by the summer is if she becomes an amputee.