Wait, you mean people who shop at Sears don't want to look like an Armenian transvestite hooker in animal print? I wasn't expecting that. MSN Money reports:

Kim Kardashian became a world sensation almost overnight. The celebrity has her own reality show and millions of fans. So you would think the fashionably chic Kardashian Kollection would have been besieged by shoppers and sold out during the Black Friday rush. After all, practically all major retail stores, including Macy’s (M -0.35%) and Target (TGT +0.58%), were swamped by tens of thousands of eager shoppers. But that wasn't the case at Sears (SHLD -2.52%), where the Kardashian Kollection held sway and was among the elegant products displayed for sale. In fact, Sears was betting the Kardashian name and collection of fashion products would stir up consumer excitement. Wrong. The products hardly brought in the gushing crowds that celebrity products usually attract. Kmart stores (a Sears unit) also introduced products named after another rising mega star, Sofia Vergara, of the TV show "Modern Family." But "these initiatives have not been effective," said Marija Dabovic, a retail industry analyst investment research firm Value Line. The Kardashian Kollection consists of almost every product that women would want in the world of celebrity fashion, complete with winsome dresses, fashionable shoes and jewelry, and trendy handbags, intimates, belts and sunglasses. Alas, the electric Kardashian name failed to deliver. There are no signs of a turnaround at Sears. "Sears Holdings has yet to see meaningful improvement," says Dabovic, as the company continues to be in the red, posting losses in every quarter so far this year.

I'm sure sales will pick up now that everybody knows that the gorgeous long-sleeve crepe wrap top that gives you a flirty look for the next be-seen evening adventure was actually made by a Chinese child chained to a wall who gets four minutes and a bucket in case he has to take a shit. The American people love heartwarming stories like that during Christmas time.

So, about those clothing lines. Star (via Radar Online) reports:

A prestigious human-rights watchdog organization has launched an investigation into America’s top TV family, with officials imploring the Kardashians not to profit from what amounts to “slave labor.” “The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people,” Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, tells Star. “Not only are celebrities like the Kardashians taking advantage of these workers, they are holding hands with a government that spits on democracy and women’s rights.” ... Items in the family’s high-end K-Dash by Kardashian label and the Kris Jenner Kollection — sold on the home-shopping television network QVC — and ShoeDazzle, a company that Kim cofounded and endorses, are all manufactured in areas of China where government regulations are often ignored and workers are subject to inhumane conditions. ... The sweatshop workers live in squalid factory-run dormitories filled with the stench of sewage while toiling up to 84 hours during seven-day work weeks to produce some of the goods that helped Kourtney, 32, Kim, 31, Khloé, 27, mom Kris, 56, and the rest of their family earn $65 million last year. Shockingly, the impoverished workers earn just a paltry $1 an hour, slaving away in factories in the Guangdong region of China, which Kernaghan describes as being "like minimum-security prisons." The region is a “scary place,” Kernaghan continues, where the peak summer season is “brutal,” with temperatures inside non-air-conditioned factories soaring to over 100˚F. Workers in the region can come out with as little as $15 a month once rent and food debts have been paid to their bosses. “You can’t talk during working hours,” Kernaghan adds. “You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes. If you’re highly specialized, you cannot even go to the bathroom.” Star has learned that human-rights groups have dispatched their undercover investigators to a number of factories that have been linked to the Kardashians. And, Kernaghan says, it is time for the world and the Kardashians to take some responsibility. “Kim has been very fortunate, but it’s time for her and her family to treat these workers with respect,” he tells Star.

The fact that the Kardashians endorse human rights abuses to earn a buck should not be surprising to anyone except the Kardashians themselves. I really think they were just confused and thought they were spreading the wealth, because warm weather, slaves, and sewage are all themes in Kim's sex tape that made them famous.

Surprise! Radar Online reports:

"Kris was with Kim and her family in Bora Bora, and he playfully threw her in the sea. Kim emerged from the water, freaking out, with cameras rolling, shrieking that she had lost one of her diamond earrings, which are worth $75,000," the source says. "Kim was crying hysterically, but then miraculously, one of her younger sisters found the earring in the ocean, where the group had been swimming. It was probably 6-8 feet deep, and Kris commented to Kim how unbelievable it was that the valuable earring was found as the current in the ocean in Bora Bora is very, very strong. Kim just said, 'I know,' with very big smile on her face." Although Kris' eyes have been opened, and he's been left with a nasty taste by the whole experience of his whirlwind relationship and 72-day marriage, he does still have respect for one member of the family. "Kris says that Kim's reality shows are a total sham. He doesn't think there is anything real about the shows at all. Kris thinks that Khloe is truly the only authentic one among the Kardashian sisters," The source says. "Even though they didn't get along, at all, he respects that Khloe does what she wants. If Kim and Kris had stayed together, and he had gotten traded to Dallas, like Lamar did, he knows Kim wouldn't have moved with him like Khloe is doing."

Reality TV isn't real and an ugly girl was forced to develop a personality. In related news, pie is delicious and clouds are fluffy. I know, I couldn't believe it either!

Lindsay Lohan has a well-documented obsession with legendary actress, singer, sex symbol and trainwreck Marilyn Monroe. Now Kim Kardashian is angling to be the new Elizabeth Taylor. Right. TMZ reports:

Kim Kardashian just dropped $65k to outbid a gang of serious jewelry nuts for 3 unbelievable jade and diamond bracelets that used to belong to Elizabeth Taylor ... TMZ has learned. Taylor's entire collection of rare and expensive jewelry was auctioned off in NYC this week for a whopping $116 MILLION ... and Kim was one of the bidders. Sources close to KK tell TMZ ... Kim idolized Taylor -- especially after Kim did a magazine interview with Liz for a project shortly before her death. So when Kim saw LT's 3 jade and diamond Lorraine Schwartz bangle bracelets on the auction block, she snatched 'em up for a cool $64,900. We're told Kim believes jade harnesses energy ... and now that she owns the bracelets, KK feels she will share a deeper connection to the Hollywood icon.

While Elizabeth Taylor got a lot of shit for her multiple marriages, please bear in mind that she's one of the most iconic film actresses of all time, one of the most beautiful creatures to grace this earth, and was renowned for her charity work (that she didn't hire camera crews to photograph her doing). Kim Kardashian is famous for getting a C-list hop-hop star to ejaculate and excrete on her, then turning it into a mind numbing TV series, a plastic face, a train of black dick, an empire of shady business deals, and a fake marriage. If she really wants a deeper connection to Liz, she just needs people to start digging.

Kris Humphries was slated to appear on a DIY network show about man caves, and Kim Kardashian was slated to appear with him. Maybe the second billing (in addition to, you know, being a sham) is why their marriage ended. TMZ reports:

Kris Humphries is gearing up to reenter the bachelor scene after his split with Kim Kardashian ... and TMZ has learned he's already re-pimped out his Minnesota pad ... with the help of a former NFL star. Sources connected to Kris tell us ... Humphries recently hooked up with ex-Baltimore Ravens stud Tony Siragusa for an episode of the DIY network show "Man Caves" We're told the original plan was to build a custom man cave for Kris where a married guy could escape for a little "man time "... and Kim was even supposed to participate in the episode. But after the split, we're told Kris told producers to go back to the drawing board ... and gave orders to design the ultimate bachelor pad room for a single guy on the rebound. We're told Goose and contractor Jason Cameron came up with a "chill lounge" concept -- complete with a couple of bars, liquor dispensers and a wall that transforms into a 120 inch projection screen.

Liquor dispensers and a projection screen twice my size? I was going to make a remark about how appropriate it is for someone who looks like a troglodyte to have a cave, but fuck it. I'm too busy trying to get invited over for Monday Night Football.

Kris Humphries wants to void his prenup, but not for the reason you think. Radar Online reports:

The NBA star formally filed a response Thursday in the divorce proceedings that Kardashian initiated after only 72 days of marriage. Humphries wants the marriage annulled on the grounds of “fraud.” It's a brilliant strategic move because by seeking to have the marriage annulled, Humphries can request that the prenup be tossed, primarily so he won't be muzzled by the confidentiality agreement. "The confidentiality aspect of the prenup is extensive and was created just in case things went bad, neither Kim nor Kris could discuss their relationship to the media. But now, Kris wants to be able to talk about the relationship without fear of being sued," a source close to the situation tells RadarOnline.com.

Read: He wants to be able to make money for interviews, just like his erstwhile urinal did. Meanwhile, TMZ reports that the real reasons for Kris wanting an annulment are less greedy, more godly:

Sources directly connected to Kris tell us ... the BBaller has deep-seeded feelings -- rooted in religion -- against divorce. He's filed for an annulment because it wipes the slate clean by erasing the marriage. If the judge refuses to grant an annulment, we've learned Kris will then ask for a legal separation that will extend indefinitely. He feels even though an indefinite separation would preclude him from marrying again, it's preferable to divorce. The legal experts we've spoken with say ... unless Kris can prove with "clear and convincing evidence" Kim defrauded him into marrying her ... the judge will almost certainly grant her divorce petition.

That's going to be a tough case to prove, but considering Kris Humphries looks like he stepped out of a Geico commercial cum sitcom, it may work for him. All he has to do it convince a judge that yes, he is the only living creature that believes reality TV is real.

Despite remaining completely quiet during the Kris Jenner/E!/Us Weekly contract hit out on his life, Kris Humphries is refusing a divorce from Kim Kardashian and is now seeking an annulment based largely in part that the whole 72 day wedding was a fraudulent lie cooked up by Kris Jenner and E! (who just basically called Daniel Craig a hater) to boost ratings and reap untold fortunes. I know, I'm shocked myself. TMZ reports:

Sources very close to Kris Humphries tell TMZ ... Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels "he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian's latest headline and newest business venture." We're told Kris believes Kim never intended to stay married to him, but needed a groom to fuel ratings for her show. One source says, "Once they were finished taping, she just didn't need a groom anymore." (like here) Kris is telling people he feels like a pawn in the game. And, we're told, Kris is outraged by people who think he was in on the wedding scam -- according to one friend, "He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church." Finally, Kris feels Kim's own statement that she posted on her blog is a smoking gun ... specifically, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show." Bottom line -- the divorce/annulment war in on.

And if you were still on the fence on whether or not this den of whores would suck a dead giraffe's dick on the fifty-yard line during halftime at the Superbowl to stay famous, it is now being reported that Kourtney Kardashian is now getting married just one day after she revealed that she is 9 weeks pregnant. You know, the same Kourtney Kardashian who said she would never marry Scott Disick. Man, what great timing! ET reports:

Sources close the Kardashian family tell Entertainment Tonight that the wedding of pregnant Kourtney Kardashian and longtime love Scott Disick is imminent. Sources say the wedding will be the complete antithesis of sister Kim's lavish affair and that it will be low key, just family. There are whispers that it will take place at the Kardashian family home. No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised. Kourtney and Scott announced Wednesday that they are expecting their second child together. The pair have a son, Mason, who is almost 2.

Jesus Christ. "No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised"? Bitch please. Bruce Jenner can't make Kris Jenner cum unless he gives her executive producer credit and final cut on his o-face, so of course this will be a two-part primetime special. Kris Jenner is doing anything she can right now to distract you from the fact that this whole thing was a lie. "Hey, look! Pregnancy! Marriage! Happy thoughts!" Instead of doing this, Kris Jenner should come into your house while you're reading this and kick over your computer then throw a baby monkey in a tracksuit on a piece of cardboard so you can watch him breakdance. "Don't bother with all that! Look at the monkey! It's dancing monkey! Everybody loves dancing monkeys!" It would basically be the same thing.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stand in the way of a whore and her money, so in the span of 100 days, Kris Jenner has been doing what she does best. Milking E! for every dime she can squeeze, manipulating the media, and leaking stories to turn Kris Humphries from the man of Kim's dream into a verbally abusive asshole who hates fatties because he's apparently been a homosexual all this time. Goddamn. You'd need to dig up and reanimate John Wilkes Booth to carry out an assassination plot better than this one.