The Rescue? Isn't this was Pete Wentz was going all gay for John Mayer with last weekend?

If it was, no need to remember as neither of them were at this particular event.

Kristen Bell, Ryan Hansen, Benjamin Mckenzie, Kirsten Dunst, Jessica Lucas,Walter Perez and Tom Arnold attend Invisible Children's 'The Rescue' Rally at Santa Monica City Hall yesterday. And if you want to know what went down or why the event happened, you have to head over to TheRescue.InvisibleChildren.com where a 7 page PDF is all that stands between you and knowing what the hell this benefit was for.

Since I know how much y'all hate reading, I took the time to do it for you. I'll also chew your food, but only if your attractive, female and also named Kristen Bell.

Anyway, there is a war in Uganda and the Lords Resistance Army is kidnapping children to be in said army. The Rescue is a plan to arrest the LRA leader and free the child soldiers. The protest/event itself involved "kidnapping" yourself by leaving behind a picture, hiking to a second "camp" and waiting to be "rescued." A successful "rescue" could only be accomplished by having a media outlet there and an approved "Rescuer" who need to be a public figure like a congressman or Kirsten Dunst, apparently.

Does it seem weird that a congressman and Tom Arnold are on the same level, protest-wise? I mean, it makes being a congressman seem much less prestigious

.

Kirsten Dunst was at Coachella this weekend, and as you might have imagined, everyone was enraptured by her timeless beauty. Minstrels sang and read poetry while small woodland creatures danced and made her a dress of silk and lace as bluebirds tied ribbons in her hair. And all of the maidens skipped joyously through the field tossing rose petals from their baskets where she walked and a prince on a great white steed sang about true love's first kiss as his wise, talking lion narrated because it's obvious her life is some kind of fairy tale.

Hey, don't look know! Kirsten Dunst is bitching about something! Stop the press! Contact Music says:

Kirsten Dunst has hit out at the media - accusing the press of constantly portraying famous women in a negative light. Dunst is convinced that women in Hollywood are often treated more harshly by the media - in comparison to their male counterparts....he tells U.S. magazine Harper's Bazaar, "I don't buy the rag mags, but I was looking at the cover of one, and an actress's husband apparently had cheated on her. Who knows if it's true? But they don't put the guy on the cover, going, Look at what this guy did. They put the girl on the cover, going, Look at what he did to her. "That is the stuff that I have no tolerance for. Guys will go do this, that, and the other and they're cool, and girls will go out with their friends and do this and it's 'horrendous'. If a guy's flirting with me, I'm the slut. It can kill a girl's spirit."

Seriously, why is this chick even famous? She's one of the biggest bitches in Hollywood and she looks like something that was dug up and reanimated for the zombie apocalypse. If Harper's Bazaar had any balls they would've air dropped Kirsten Dunst over Hurricane Ike.

Kirsten and that computer commercial "star" at a paparazzi photo-op lunch:

Sorry fellas, but Kirsten Dunst is taken. Turns out Justin Long, the guy from the Mac commercial, has conquered her heart. New York Daily News reports:

Now it's Justin Long's turn on the Kirsten Dunst train. The "Mac guy" was snogging Dunst, who's been with Jake Gyllenhaal, Josh Hartnett, Andy Samberg and Orlando Bloom, in L.A. at Sunset Junction. The duo "were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas," says our spy. "They were holding hands and were all over each other."

Please keep in mind that Justin Long's last girlfriend was Drew Barrymore. Now it's Kirsten Dunst. Drew Barrymore. Kirsten Dunst. When asked for comment, his penis said, "Hey man, do me a favor. You see that brick over there?"

Justin Long and some fans on August 22nd:


Photos: Splash

When you're a raging alcoholic who also happens to be the fugliest and biggest bitch in Hollywood, you won't settle for just any man. Oh, wait. Yes you will. Page Six reports:

WATCH out, Emile Hirsch - Kirsten Dunst has her eye on you. Our spy saw the rehabbed starlet smoking cigarettes outside the Bowery Hotel and told us, "Kirsten was there just to see Emile." After she finished her cig, the source said, Kirsten followed the press-shy actor to club Bowery Electric next door. "She was all alone," our snitch said. "She was going to the bar just to see him." But just two days later, OK! magazine reports, Dunst was "all over Justin Long trying to kiss him."

It's only a matter of time before Dunst escapes New York to feed, so you might want to prepare yourself. That's it. I'm buying a mallet and some stakes and making some business cards that say "Van Helsing." That's right, Kirsten. How ya like me now?

Kirsten in SoHo yesterday:


Photos: Splash

The line just got shorter, because Kirsten Dunst allegedly just got punched in the face. The Mirror UK says:

Spider-Man star Kirsten Dunst looked like she'd been punched in the eye on the set of her latest film, All Good Things. Even a huge pair of sunglasses couldn't hide the massive bruise on her cheek."

The level of seething hatred we have for this fugly vampire bat isn't a secret, but that doesn't change the fact that you shouldn't hit a woman. Unless of course you've already told her that you want your dinner on the table at 7:00pm. Not 7:02, not 7:05, but 7:00. Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you? Wheel of Fortune starts at 7, not whenever Little Miss Time Doesn't Apply To Me thinks it should.

Harry Potter actress, Emma Watson, is now reportedly dating Razorlight frontman, Johnny Borrell, after the pair were seen together all over London recently. Oh yeah, I know, I wouldn't care either except for the fact that she's 17 and he's 27. And appears to really, really like heroin. I hate to get ahead of myself, but I think these crazy kids might have something special! The Sun says:

Emma, 17 - whose character Hermione Granger romances fellow film wizard Ron Weasley - spent a night partying with the Razorlight frontman, 27. They later left together in a taxi. Borrell has a history of drink and drug abuse, and once said he was a "smackhead at 16". A source said: "She seemed really happy. She's a Razorlight fan and was star-struck."

It's unclear why the frontman of a seemingly popular band would want to date a chick who puts puffy stickers on her notebooks, but then you realize that this dude was dumped by Kirsten Dunst last year. Kirsten. Dunst. I guess high school girls would be the way to go after that. They're easy to impress. All it involves is having your own car and a hotel room key. A hotel room is like the high school girl Disneyland.

Last week, Kirsten Dunst was seen at Sundance visibly intoxicated and acting erratically. This week, has checked into the Cirque Lodge. Star reports:

She desperately needed help," a source in Utah tells Star. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. "She's not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."

Wow. Not only is Kirsten Dunst a hideous mutant and a shitty actress, she's also a crying drunk. Awesome. I just wish somebody would tell me exactly where this not good place is. Can't she just stay there? If it's a matter of her not being able to afford it, I'll be glad to take a brochure of their leasing options.

Kirsten outside her yoga class last month: