E! News waited until 4pm yesterday to acknowledge that their cash cows use Chinese slave labor, and in a shocking turn, it was completely slanted and subjective. I think I'm using the word "shocking" wrong.

"The story is not true," the Kardashians' rep, Jill Fritzo, tells E! News. The family was tipped off the explosive allegations after the dubious tandem of Star magazine and Radar claimed that certain items from the K-Dash by Kardashian label, the Kris Jenner Kollection and ShoeDazzle, a company cofounded by Kim Kardashian, were made under horrific conditions. The publications alleged factory employees often work up to 84 hours a week in non-air-conditioned facilities and earn only $1 an hour. That prompted a probe by the watchdog group Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights. The family itself said it was taking the accusations "very seriously," and after checking things out determined the report was wrong.

Kris Jenner is taking the allegations so seriously in fact that instead of flying to China personally to see the working conditions of these factories that allow her to make $65M in profit instead of $10M herself, she's now suing anyone who might have the audacity to suggest that her sole purpose in life is to make as much money as she can.
TMZ reports:

The Kardashian family is preparing for war -- gearing up to unleash a legal attack on everyone who claimed their clothing line is manufactured in child slave labor sweat shops in China ... TMZ has learned. Sources close to the family tell us ... Kris Jenner is furious -- claiming the guy who runs the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights had no right to accuse the Kardashian brands of wrongdoing because he has no tangible proof to back up his claims. Jenner also believes Star Magazine's cover -- which screamed "Kardashian Sweatshop Scandal" -- was not only unfair ... but libelous ... and it should have to pay for any damage that has been caused to the brand's reputation.

Kris Jenner exploits and whores out her own children on primetime television, so let's not kid ourselves into thinking she gives one fuck about some starving Chinese kid making her shitty clothes 84 hours a week. The Kardashian family is a microcasm of everything that is wrong with America. It's funny how the whole family feigns concern about the genocide in Armenia and the atrocious conditions in Haiti, but have no problem putting a shock collar around some Chinese kid's neck with no other options if he doesn't make his daily quota of cropped fur vests. Fuck them I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Wait, you mean people who shop at Sears don't want to look like an Armenian transvestite hooker in animal print? I wasn't expecting that. MSN Money reports:

Kim Kardashian became a world sensation almost overnight. The celebrity has her own reality show and millions of fans. So you would think the fashionably chic Kardashian Kollection would have been besieged by shoppers and sold out during the Black Friday rush. After all, practically all major retail stores, including Macy’s (M -0.35%) and Target (TGT +0.58%), were swamped by tens of thousands of eager shoppers. But that wasn't the case at Sears (SHLD -2.52%), where the Kardashian Kollection held sway and was among the elegant products displayed for sale. In fact, Sears was betting the Kardashian name and collection of fashion products would stir up consumer excitement. Wrong. The products hardly brought in the gushing crowds that celebrity products usually attract. Kmart stores (a Sears unit) also introduced products named after another rising mega star, Sofia Vergara, of the TV show "Modern Family." But "these initiatives have not been effective," said Marija Dabovic, a retail industry analyst investment research firm Value Line. The Kardashian Kollection consists of almost every product that women would want in the world of celebrity fashion, complete with winsome dresses, fashionable shoes and jewelry, and trendy handbags, intimates, belts and sunglasses. Alas, the electric Kardashian name failed to deliver. There are no signs of a turnaround at Sears. "Sears Holdings has yet to see meaningful improvement," says Dabovic, as the company continues to be in the red, posting losses in every quarter so far this year.

I'm sure sales will pick up now that everybody knows that the gorgeous long-sleeve crepe wrap top that gives you a flirty look for the next be-seen evening adventure was actually made by a Chinese child chained to a wall who gets four minutes and a bucket in case he has to take a shit. The American people love heartwarming stories like that during Christmas time.

So, about those clothing lines. Star (via Radar Online) reports:

A prestigious human-rights watchdog organization has launched an investigation into America’s top TV family, with officials imploring the Kardashians not to profit from what amounts to “slave labor.” “The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people,” Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, tells Star. “Not only are celebrities like the Kardashians taking advantage of these workers, they are holding hands with a government that spits on democracy and women’s rights.” ... Items in the family’s high-end K-Dash by Kardashian label and the Kris Jenner Kollection — sold on the home-shopping television network QVC — and ShoeDazzle, a company that Kim cofounded and endorses, are all manufactured in areas of China where government regulations are often ignored and workers are subject to inhumane conditions. ... The sweatshop workers live in squalid factory-run dormitories filled with the stench of sewage while toiling up to 84 hours during seven-day work weeks to produce some of the goods that helped Kourtney, 32, Kim, 31, Khloé, 27, mom Kris, 56, and the rest of their family earn $65 million last year. Shockingly, the impoverished workers earn just a paltry $1 an hour, slaving away in factories in the Guangdong region of China, which Kernaghan describes as being "like minimum-security prisons." The region is a “scary place,” Kernaghan continues, where the peak summer season is “brutal,” with temperatures inside non-air-conditioned factories soaring to over 100˚F. Workers in the region can come out with as little as $15 a month once rent and food debts have been paid to their bosses. “You can’t talk during working hours,” Kernaghan adds. “You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes. If you’re highly specialized, you cannot even go to the bathroom.” Star has learned that human-rights groups have dispatched their undercover investigators to a number of factories that have been linked to the Kardashians. And, Kernaghan says, it is time for the world and the Kardashians to take some responsibility. “Kim has been very fortunate, but it’s time for her and her family to treat these workers with respect,” he tells Star.

The fact that the Kardashians endorse human rights abuses to earn a buck should not be surprising to anyone except the Kardashians themselves. I really think they were just confused and thought they were spreading the wealth, because warm weather, slaves, and sewage are all themes in Kim's sex tape that made them famous.

Despite remaining completely quiet during the Kris Jenner/E!/Us Weekly contract hit out on his life, Kris Humphries is refusing a divorce from Kim Kardashian and is now seeking an annulment based largely in part that the whole 72 day wedding was a fraudulent lie cooked up by Kris Jenner and E! (who just basically called Daniel Craig a hater) to boost ratings and reap untold fortunes. I know, I'm shocked myself. TMZ reports:

Sources very close to Kris Humphries tell TMZ ... Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels "he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian's latest headline and newest business venture." We're told Kris believes Kim never intended to stay married to him, but needed a groom to fuel ratings for her show. One source says, "Once they were finished taping, she just didn't need a groom anymore." (like here) Kris is telling people he feels like a pawn in the game. And, we're told, Kris is outraged by people who think he was in on the wedding scam -- according to one friend, "He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church." Finally, Kris feels Kim's own statement that she posted on her blog is a smoking gun ... specifically, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show." Bottom line -- the divorce/annulment war in on.

And if you were still on the fence on whether or not this den of whores would suck a dead giraffe's dick on the fifty-yard line during halftime at the Superbowl to stay famous, it is now being reported that Kourtney Kardashian is now getting married just one day after she revealed that she is 9 weeks pregnant. You know, the same Kourtney Kardashian who said she would never marry Scott Disick. Man, what great timing! ET reports:

Sources close the Kardashian family tell Entertainment Tonight that the wedding of pregnant Kourtney Kardashian and longtime love Scott Disick is imminent. Sources say the wedding will be the complete antithesis of sister Kim's lavish affair and that it will be low key, just family. There are whispers that it will take place at the Kardashian family home. No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised. Kourtney and Scott announced Wednesday that they are expecting their second child together. The pair have a son, Mason, who is almost 2.

Jesus Christ. "No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised"? Bitch please. Bruce Jenner can't make Kris Jenner cum unless he gives her executive producer credit and final cut on his o-face, so of course this will be a two-part primetime special. Kris Jenner is doing anything she can right now to distract you from the fact that this whole thing was a lie. "Hey, look! Pregnancy! Marriage! Happy thoughts!" Instead of doing this, Kris Jenner should come into your house while you're reading this and kick over your computer then throw a baby monkey in a tracksuit on a piece of cardboard so you can watch him breakdance. "Don't bother with all that! Look at the monkey! It's dancing monkey! Everybody loves dancing monkeys!" It would basically be the same thing.

"You insolent fools! What fresh hell is this? Call Sgt. Brody. Have him bring me the head of this unborn infidel at once!" - Mason Disick
Determined on making your wait at TSA just a little longer over the next 18 years, Kourtney Kardashian has revealed that she is pregnant with her second child by Scott Whathisfuck. Us Magazine reports:

The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago -- and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results. "Now I'm nine weeks along," Kardashian tells Us. "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident." The son or daughter-to-be will be the second child for the couple of five years, whose son Mason, nearly 2, was a bit of a surprise. Not so much for baby number two, the happy couple tells Us. "It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

I guess she couldn't wait the extra three weeks to get her check from Us Magazine. I really can't blame her. Scott's ascots and Mason's laser hair removal treatments and splinter cell meetups cost money you know.

Kris Jenner can't keep her hos off the corner for long, so here's Kourtney and Khloe at a signing for their new fiction book that someone else wrote, Dollhouse. A book where their name is bigger than the actual title of course. "Dollhouse is addictively entertaining novel about an exciting, high-profile, complicated family with a huge heart and a lot of love, " Kourtney told the crowd before the signing. "RAAAAAWWWWRRRR," Khloe added before swatting down a plane.

Seriously, hasn't this guy suffered enough?

NOTE: If you want to see how the Kardashians and other money-hungry attention whores make their money, how about read a real book, Celebrity, Inc.. (buy it here now) by the insanely awesome Jo Piazza.

In case you're wondering the top vilest ways celebrities make their money, Jo sent me this list this weekend. Try not to punch a wall after you read it:

1. On average celebrities make $33,000 per pound just for losing weight on an endorsement deal.
2. $10,000 per Tweet
3. 50% of all proceeds from staged paparazzi photos
4. $10,000 "secret" endorsement checks to wear certain items of clothing.
5. $100,000 for baby photos (except for the very high end babies which can command $1 million)
6. $25,000 for a club appearance
7. All expense paid trips for them and their entire family to show up and say they support a charity

Because the Kardashians are a tight-knit family held together by plastic surgery and money and people telling them how wonderful they are, Kourtney and Kong Kardashian reportedly hate Kim's new husband, Kris Humphries. This should turn out well. Us Magazine reports:

But when Kris Humphries said "I do" to the reality star in August, he didn't just get a wife: he got her whole family! But sources tell the new Us Weekly -- on stands now -- that Humphries hasn't exactly won over the tight-knit Kardashian clan. An April get-to-know-you family trip to Bora Bora with Humphries, 26, wasn't exactly paradise. The athlete criticized Kourtney, 32, for being a "slave" to her son Mason, 21 months. His constant roughhousing with Kim also rubbed her sisters the wrong way. "He's like this weird, big clumsy oaf," a source said. "Kris is getting famous for marrying a Kardashian."

It's not like I need a reason to hate this guy, but in his defense, I knew about Kris Humphries when accepted a scholarship to play for Duke in 2004 only to back out and commit to Minnesota instead. So I guess there's other ways to get famous other than by marrying a Kardashian. Being the daughter of the guy who defended O.J. after he cut his wife's head off and being the sister of the chick who got pissed on and mouth fucked in a sex tape are also good ways, for instance. Sources say Khloe Kardashian was so upset with Kris Humphries' antics that she got all seven of her Double-Double's animal style. Grrrrrr!!!

The entire Kardashian family truly believe that they are the most beautiful creatures walking the planet, except one is a primate and one has a gigantic ass and I think one of the younger ones has horns. Anyway, so of course when one of them has a baby (this waterhead freak), then OMG he's the just the most CUTEST THING EVA!!! Except fuck no he's not. KONG DISAGREE WITH TODD BABY CUTE I HAS HUG HIM.

I just saw these adorable pics on Kim’s blog and I had to steal them. It honestly feels like forever since I’ve seen Mason and I was only on vacation for a week LOL. I miss him sooooo much! He really is the cutest baby in the world!

Seriously? This old shrunken Jewish man who needs a neck brace to hold up his giant head is the cutest baby in the world? Maybe when they found him underneath some rubble in Fallujah crying for his mommy because he might have been covered at dust, but at some point you have to realize he's gonna grow up and live under an opera house.