The hottest Kardashian reported that her Calabasas townhome was burglarized last night after she returned home from dinner at 8:30pm to discover evidence of a break-in. Or was Kyle Reese teleported to the wrong time, with the danger still all too real? You go naked. Something about the field generated by a living organism. Nothing dead will go. Why? I didn't build the fucking thing! TMZ reports:

We're told hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry was reportedly taken. The home is in a gated community. The L.A. County Sheriff's Department responded and they are on scene. We're also told among the items missing -- Kourtney's Cartier watch worth around $30,000, an expensive Rolex owned by her boyfriend, multiple diamonds including diamond hoops. And, worst of all, she's missing some vintage jewelry her dad, Robert Kardashian, left her. We're told Kourtney had left with her boyfriend at around 7 PM for dinner, returned and discovered the break-in. They found many of the drawers open.

I don't know if the authorities have any suspects in this case, but they should know that her sisters associate with known African Americans. That might be worth looking into. Why just last Christmas, I saw one standing in front of the mall beside a red cauldron and ringing a bell. What was he doing? Was he some kind of warlock?! Then said "ho ho ho!" so I threw my wallet and keys at him and ran away. Is that some new gang slang?! Oh my God...help! HELP!!!

I guess it's kinda too late for an abortion, huh?

TMZ says this picture of newlyweds Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom were taken outside a L.A. hotel last night, but I'm pretty sure it's Greyskull and Odom just held aloft his magic sword, because he's giving this beast a piggy back ride. As you look at this picture, please keep in mind that Lamar Odom is 6'10", 230. He should be able to carry a human-sized chick in a papoose or in a basket like Little Red Riding Hood, but Khloe's snow shoes are hanging by this dude's knees. Dear God, the only way I'd want to see this chick naked is if she was on my soccer team and our plane crashed in the Andes.

The only pictures available right now of their "wedding". If you have a microscope and a low sense of self-worth, feel free to enjoy them:

God and I must have different tastes, because I was for sure he'd be watching the Cowboys/Giants game last night since all of the Cowboys fans say that's why the roof on their stadium is open, but obviously he decided to tune into the 61st Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. Apparently he's the only Cowboy fan that realizes Tony Romo has the accuracy of a Mac-10.

Last week, Kourtney Kardashian told the world she got pregnant by this douche, so she thought about having an abortion. Then she realized you can't make money off abortions. Us Magazine reports:

Kourtney Kardashian wouldn't mind stripping down to show off her pregnancy curves. When asked by E!'s Daily 10 if she'd take it all off for the cover of a magazine like Rolling Stone, the reality star -- who is due in December -- says, "I think so. I'd have to think about it."

It takes hard work being a whore, and I know know somebody who might be able to help Kourtney out, because she really shouldn't have to go through this alone. Pregnancy is is tough, but using your baby for money just makes sense I guess. She might as well do it now. Especially since the next time this kid is gonna have his picture taken is when he's sixteen on Sunset Blvd. wearing eyeliner and cut marks because the cops didn't believe that he was only trying to find love.


Damn, what's up, ass?

Let's face it, the race to get pregnant has always been between Kim and Kourtney, because there's no way Khloe was gonna get pregnant unless she somehow finds Skull Island. Anyway, Kourtney's pregnant. E! Online reports:

Kourtney says she was shocked to learn she was expecting, but then realized it wasn't completely out of the question. "There's so many times I'll forget to take my pill," she told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show. She added, "I've done that several times and never really thought about it…I know, it's stupid." As for the baby daddy's reaction, Kourtney said, "He was like way more like excited than I was. Like he definitely wasn't as nervous and scared."

Kourtney is by far the hottest of these Armenian whores, but you're probably trying to adjust the color on your monitor right now to notice. It's fine, the dude is white.

Some people are angry because the entire Kardashian family is suing Hustler Entertainment for their spoof porn of their E! reality show. But please keep in mind, unlike Kim, the whores in this video actually got paid.

Kim Kardashian would let a giraffe titty fuck her if she thought a camera was around and Kong Kardashian looks like Apache Chief, so the only one of these Armenian whores I'd really want to put my penis in would be Kourtney Kardashian. She has a hot body and a pretty face and doesn't seem to desperately crave fame as bad as the other two. I don't know, that's just sexy to me. Also sexy? Bathing caps.

MadTV did a skit last night that pretty much sums up everything about Kim Kardashian's painfully lame reality show about her and her other whore sisters. Everything except Kim letting Bruce Jenner motorboat her. Bruce Jenner is white. The only thing a white guy could do for Kim Kardashian is to point out where the black guy is.