Kris Jenner wanted to start a Kardashian fanzine. Page Six says:

Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner’s demands for absolute editorial control has killed a deal with American Media Inc. to create a Kardashian-devoted fanzine — after she insisted on approval on all stories about her family across their titles. Page Six recently revealed the family was in talks with the publisher — home to Shape, Star, National Enquirer and Radar Online — to create a magazine entirely dedicated to the family’s antics. But sources told us the deal turned sour after Jenner demanded she have editorial approval over every AMI publication to ensure wall-to-wall positive coverage of the overexposed reality robots. Our source told us AMI “balked” at the demand, even though megalomaniac mom Jenner offered to “dish” all of the family “scoop” to the fanzine. AMI execs argued they didn’t want to just swallow saccharine “Kardashian krap,” noting that while they have a television deal with E!, other outlets often get better scoops on the family. AMI dealt the deal a mortal blow when Star last week claimed Jenner’s late ex-husband, Robert Kardashian, was not the biological father of Khloe Kardashian. Furious Jenner denied it, and realized that AMI would never bow to her demands. “AMI chief David Pecker made it clear that there was no way he was going to tell his editors what stories they could and couldn’t do,” our source said. In turn, Jenner pulled Kardashian-related product ads from Star.

They're missing out the biggest reason why the deal went south: Everyone involved realized that no fans of the Kardashians actually know how to read.

For those of you who didn't spot this photo earlier this week, that's Kong Kardashian before she was, well, Kong. She wants to go back to that. Guess who won't let her? Radar Online reports:

Khloe Kardashian wants to dye her hair again, as she did earlier this year when she briefly turned a redhead, but her momager, Kris Jenner, and E! won't let her change her luscious locks, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. ... Khloe dyed her hair a gorgeous shade of red earlier this year, but she was forced almost immediately to go back to her darker locks because of filming on the E! reality shows. Khloe told her fans on her blog: "Hi dolls. I was just looking at pics of me with my red hair and I got kind of sad LOL. It was such a fun, new look for me– I really miss it!!!! So I figured I would do a little gallery devoted to my short-lived redhead look!!" Khloe wants to dye her hair again, back to blonde this time, but Kris has said she can't because filming of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is going to begin right after New Year's Eve. "Khloe just wants to simply change her hair color, she has been leaning towards going blonde this time. She has wigs that she owns and when she dons the blonde locks, Lamar LOVES it. Lamar thinks his wife should be able to have her hair whatever color she wants. Practically every woman in Dallas is blonde, and Khloe just thinks it would be fun for her to do," a family insider tells RadarOnline.com. The rebellious Kardashian gal has even inquired if E! can legally dictate her hair color, and the answer is, yes! "E! has a very strict contract with the entire family. Before any physical changes are made on any of the family members during times when the shows are shooting, they must be approved by the network. Executives at E! want Khloe to remain a brunette so that it doesn't date the series when it reruns. The suits want all of the sisters to have a similar look because the girls are branded as sisters, and having one of them showing up on screen with hair a different color, throws that off, and they don't want to alienate viewers," the source says.

So what if she looks like a bloated Hilton sister? If Kim's sham marriage and water sports didn't alienate viewers, I don't see how Khloe's hair color will. If anything it should open the show up to a new audience of bastards and adopted kids whose own parents don't even love them.

E! News waited until 4pm yesterday to acknowledge that their cash cows use Chinese slave labor, and in a shocking turn, it was completely slanted and subjective. I think I'm using the word "shocking" wrong.

"The story is not true," the Kardashians' rep, Jill Fritzo, tells E! News. The family was tipped off the explosive allegations after the dubious tandem of Star magazine and Radar claimed that certain items from the K-Dash by Kardashian label, the Kris Jenner Kollection and ShoeDazzle, a company cofounded by Kim Kardashian, were made under horrific conditions. The publications alleged factory employees often work up to 84 hours a week in non-air-conditioned facilities and earn only $1 an hour. That prompted a probe by the watchdog group Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights. The family itself said it was taking the accusations "very seriously," and after checking things out determined the report was wrong.

Kris Jenner is taking the allegations so seriously in fact that instead of flying to China personally to see the working conditions of these factories that allow her to make $65M in profit instead of $10M herself, she's now suing anyone who might have the audacity to suggest that her sole purpose in life is to make as much money as she can.
TMZ reports:

The Kardashian family is preparing for war -- gearing up to unleash a legal attack on everyone who claimed their clothing line is manufactured in child slave labor sweat shops in China ... TMZ has learned. Sources close to the family tell us ... Kris Jenner is furious -- claiming the guy who runs the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights had no right to accuse the Kardashian brands of wrongdoing because he has no tangible proof to back up his claims. Jenner also believes Star Magazine's cover -- which screamed "Kardashian Sweatshop Scandal" -- was not only unfair ... but libelous ... and it should have to pay for any damage that has been caused to the brand's reputation.

Kris Jenner exploits and whores out her own children on primetime television, so let's not kid ourselves into thinking she gives one fuck about some starving Chinese kid making her shitty clothes 84 hours a week. The Kardashian family is a microcasm of everything that is wrong with America. It's funny how the whole family feigns concern about the genocide in Armenia and the atrocious conditions in Haiti, but have no problem putting a shock collar around some Chinese kid's neck with no other options if he doesn't make his daily quota of cropped fur vests. Fuck them I guess is what I'm trying to say.

Wait, you mean people who shop at Sears don't want to look like an Armenian transvestite hooker in animal print? I wasn't expecting that. MSN Money reports:

Kim Kardashian became a world sensation almost overnight. The celebrity has her own reality show and millions of fans. So you would think the fashionably chic Kardashian Kollection would have been besieged by shoppers and sold out during the Black Friday rush. After all, practically all major retail stores, including Macy’s (M -0.35%) and Target (TGT +0.58%), were swamped by tens of thousands of eager shoppers. But that wasn't the case at Sears (SHLD -2.52%), where the Kardashian Kollection held sway and was among the elegant products displayed for sale. In fact, Sears was betting the Kardashian name and collection of fashion products would stir up consumer excitement. Wrong. The products hardly brought in the gushing crowds that celebrity products usually attract. Kmart stores (a Sears unit) also introduced products named after another rising mega star, Sofia Vergara, of the TV show "Modern Family." But "these initiatives have not been effective," said Marija Dabovic, a retail industry analyst investment research firm Value Line. The Kardashian Kollection consists of almost every product that women would want in the world of celebrity fashion, complete with winsome dresses, fashionable shoes and jewelry, and trendy handbags, intimates, belts and sunglasses. Alas, the electric Kardashian name failed to deliver. There are no signs of a turnaround at Sears. "Sears Holdings has yet to see meaningful improvement," says Dabovic, as the company continues to be in the red, posting losses in every quarter so far this year.

I'm sure sales will pick up now that everybody knows that the gorgeous long-sleeve crepe wrap top that gives you a flirty look for the next be-seen evening adventure was actually made by a Chinese child chained to a wall who gets four minutes and a bucket in case he has to take a shit. The American people love heartwarming stories like that during Christmas time.

So, about those clothing lines. Star (via Radar Online) reports:

A prestigious human-rights watchdog organization has launched an investigation into America’s top TV family, with officials imploring the Kardashians not to profit from what amounts to “slave labor.” “The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people,” Charles Kernaghan, the executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, tells Star. “Not only are celebrities like the Kardashians taking advantage of these workers, they are holding hands with a government that spits on democracy and women’s rights.” ... Items in the family’s high-end K-Dash by Kardashian label and the Kris Jenner Kollection — sold on the home-shopping television network QVC — and ShoeDazzle, a company that Kim cofounded and endorses, are all manufactured in areas of China where government regulations are often ignored and workers are subject to inhumane conditions. ... The sweatshop workers live in squalid factory-run dormitories filled with the stench of sewage while toiling up to 84 hours during seven-day work weeks to produce some of the goods that helped Kourtney, 32, Kim, 31, Khloé, 27, mom Kris, 56, and the rest of their family earn $65 million last year. Shockingly, the impoverished workers earn just a paltry $1 an hour, slaving away in factories in the Guangdong region of China, which Kernaghan describes as being "like minimum-security prisons." The region is a “scary place,” Kernaghan continues, where the peak summer season is “brutal,” with temperatures inside non-air-conditioned factories soaring to over 100˚F. Workers in the region can come out with as little as $15 a month once rent and food debts have been paid to their bosses. “You can’t talk during working hours,” Kernaghan adds. “You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes. If you’re highly specialized, you cannot even go to the bathroom.” Star has learned that human-rights groups have dispatched their undercover investigators to a number of factories that have been linked to the Kardashians. And, Kernaghan says, it is time for the world and the Kardashians to take some responsibility. “Kim has been very fortunate, but it’s time for her and her family to treat these workers with respect,” he tells Star.

The fact that the Kardashians endorse human rights abuses to earn a buck should not be surprising to anyone except the Kardashians themselves. I really think they were just confused and thought they were spreading the wealth, because warm weather, slaves, and sewage are all themes in Kim's sex tape that made them famous.

Before we get started, please keep in mind that Kris Jenner is pure, unadulterated narcissism whose life solely exists to be a broodmare for any rich, famous man who will agree to marry her so she can shit out an assembly line of fame whores who will suck every bit of money and cum from any product/place/thing/network/government that lands on her desk (ex. see the banner pic? That's her at the opening of a fucking milkshake shop in Dubai). To ensure she can live vicariously through her walking withdrawal slips, Kris Jenner has already pimped out her youngest daughters by forcing them to become underage bikini models and she has recently teamed with E! to launch an all out attack on Kris Humphries (only after their strategy of faking a marriage for $20 million backfired) by manipulating the media, leaking false stories, and editing all their billion shows to make him the bad guy. And how did all this fame and fortune land in their lap? Easy. Her first husband defended a guy who cut his wife's head off and by secretly overseeing the sale and release of a sex tape where her daughter got butt fucked and pissed on like a rented lay in a hostel. So if you're not sitting down, be sure you do as you read her response to Daniel Craig calling her family "fucking idiots". The National Enquirer reports:

"(He has) crossed the line,” she told Heat mag. “It's not made him look like the world's nicest guy. The right thing for a real man to do now would be to issue a public apology. "The easy thing would be to criticize his career now, but our family won't stoop to that level."

I once saw a homeless guy run down Glenwood Avenue with a stolen shopping cart telling every woman that he saw that they had to come with him because a giant octopus who could teleport would be coming to get them pregnant and that they would only be safe in his time machine (shopping cart). Because his time machine would take them to Long John Silver's because that's the only place a giant, raping octopus would be afraid. I guess what I'm saying is that he was less delusional than Kris Jenner.

Despite remaining completely quiet during the Kris Jenner/E!/Us Weekly contract hit out on his life, Kris Humphries is refusing a divorce from Kim Kardashian and is now seeking an annulment based largely in part that the whole 72 day wedding was a fraudulent lie cooked up by Kris Jenner and E! (who just basically called Daniel Craig a hater) to boost ratings and reap untold fortunes. I know, I'm shocked myself. TMZ reports:

Sources very close to Kris Humphries tell TMZ ... Kris is gunning for an annulment based on fraud because he feels "he was just slotted in the plot line of Kim Kardashian's latest headline and newest business venture." We're told Kris believes Kim never intended to stay married to him, but needed a groom to fuel ratings for her show. One source says, "Once they were finished taping, she just didn't need a groom anymore." (like here) Kris is telling people he feels like a pawn in the game. And, we're told, Kris is outraged by people who think he was in on the wedding scam -- according to one friend, "He would have never flown in his childhood pastor to marry them and involve his church." Finally, Kris feels Kim's own statement that she posted on her blog is a smoking gun ... specifically, "I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn't get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up in the hoopla and the filming of the TV show." Bottom line -- the divorce/annulment war in on.

And if you were still on the fence on whether or not this den of whores would suck a dead giraffe's dick on the fifty-yard line during halftime at the Superbowl to stay famous, it is now being reported that Kourtney Kardashian is now getting married just one day after she revealed that she is 9 weeks pregnant. You know, the same Kourtney Kardashian who said she would never marry Scott Disick. Man, what great timing! ET reports:

Sources close the Kardashian family tell Entertainment Tonight that the wedding of pregnant Kourtney Kardashian and longtime love Scott Disick is imminent. Sources say the wedding will be the complete antithesis of sister Kim's lavish affair and that it will be low key, just family. There are whispers that it will take place at the Kardashian family home. No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised. Kourtney and Scott announced Wednesday that they are expecting their second child together. The pair have a son, Mason, who is almost 2.

Jesus Christ. "No word yet on whether the nuptials will be televised"? Bitch please. Bruce Jenner can't make Kris Jenner cum unless he gives her executive producer credit and final cut on his o-face, so of course this will be a two-part primetime special. Kris Jenner is doing anything she can right now to distract you from the fact that this whole thing was a lie. "Hey, look! Pregnancy! Marriage! Happy thoughts!" Instead of doing this, Kris Jenner should come into your house while you're reading this and kick over your computer then throw a baby monkey in a tracksuit on a piece of cardboard so you can watch him breakdance. "Don't bother with all that! Look at the monkey! It's dancing monkey! Everybody loves dancing monkeys!" It would basically be the same thing.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stand in the way of a whore and her money, so in the span of 100 days, Kris Jenner has been doing what she does best. Milking E! for every dime she can squeeze, manipulating the media, and leaking stories to turn Kris Humphries from the man of Kim's dream into a verbally abusive asshole who hates fatties because he's apparently been a homosexual all this time. Goddamn. You'd need to dig up and reanimate John Wilkes Booth to carry out an assassination plot better than this one.