Since misguided fangirls everywhere were cutting themselves when he told the world he's like a girl who runs into a spiderweb when he touches a vagina, Robert Pattinson is now saying that he and Kristen Stewart are together. Look at the monkey! Don't look over here, everybody look at the monkey! He tells The Sun:

"It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can't arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy. This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it's impossible. We are here together and it's a public event but it's not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention."

Sorry. Too late queer. Let's not try to pretend now. The only way you'd have sex with Kristen Stewart is if she somehow transformed into My Chemical Romance.

Yep. She doesn't look like she uses a strap-on at all:

It's hard to imagine that a movie about a emo vampire and a werewolf fighting over the heart of some ugly chick wouldn't be hailed and praised as one of the greatest movies of all time, so it's no surprise that critics are singular in their praise of New Moon.

Chicago Sun-Times' Roger Ebert says "the characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud."

Ty Burr of The Boston Globe remarks: "Sorry, girls: The thrill is gone." He says that "where the first film’s director, Catherine Hardwicke, plugged into [author Stephenie] Meyer’s vision of supernatural teenage lust with abandon, Chris Weitz is stuck with a sequel that’s a morning-after mope-fest. "When he's onscreen, Pattinson’s Edward is all emo posturing under a trembling bouffant - the actor suddenly seems to be embarrassed to be here," says Burr. "Lautner's performance, by contrast, has the warmth of an actual human."

But Kenneth Turan of the Los Angeles Times says Lautner and Kristen Stewart (who plays Bella) have no heat: "The connection between these two is so self-evidently non-romantic that it turns out not to be much of a diversion."

USA Today's Claudia Puig agrees, saying the the Bella-Edward romance is a bore and that "the pace picks up" once Jacob and his pals turn into werewolves. She gave the film 2.5 out of 4 stars.

Variety writes that ladies hoping to gaze at Pattinson the big screen " may be disappointed by Pattinson's reduced presence" in the sequel, "as his Edward appears predominantly in mumbling visions until a cliffhanger that brazenly sets up the next episode."

Whatever. This movie will make more than Noriega because of tween cutters and 30-year old chicks with undead fetishes, so no amount to critical backlash will stop that. This movie could be called Madea Goes To Registered Sex Offender Class and as long as Robert Pattinson has a scene where he pouts and cries, the producers will need dragons and Hannibal's elephants to carry all the money this crap is gonna make.

Apparently a quarter ounce and a smoker's cough are good accessories, because Kristen Stewart showed up at the New Moon premiere last night looking completely average and ordinary. Notice I didn't say "normal" because normal means "fat" now", but would it kill her to look like a girl every now and then? Christ, Taylor Lautner is prettier than this chick. Instead of having the lead role in a tale of danger, lust, and adventure, she should be writing on an overhead projector telling 3rd graders about the Dewey Decimal system and the Judy Blume books at the book fair.

I guess playing an effeminate vampire who wears body glitter makes you sound gay, because Robert Pattinson really sounds like he should be wearing bangles and a mesh tank top when he talked to the Sydney Morning Herald.

"Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert," the Twilight star tells the Sydney Morning Herald. "I still can't get a date." Not that the 23-year-old actor is starved for attention. Far from it. "Like yesterday, I was having lunch down the road," he tells the paper. "We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it's like that all the time now."

I'm sorry, but complaining that 400 chicks are waiting outside to blow you doesn't make you sound like a sensitive, tortured soul, it just makes you sound hot for cock. Maybe you'd feel better if they waited outside with bedazzled manicure kits or that copy of Sweet Valley High you tried to buy on eBay, you big queer.

Robert Pattinson and his "girlfriend" somewhere at that one time doing tha...what? I don't know, you look it up!:

Robert Pattinson, star of the tween and middle-age woman porn, Twilight, has been knocking the ladies dead on the set of the sequel, New Moon. And by "knocking the ladies dead" I mean "he smells like ass". E! News reports:

We got word from people hotly preparing to work up in Vancouver for New Moon that Rob P. causes quite the commotion on set....He stinks. I mean, it's awful. He never showers, and it drives people on the set crazy," dishes someone who works in very close quarters with Pattz. Apparently our shaggy-haired love never rinses that bod of his, as Keanu and Brad have famously not done, as well, during extended periods of their hunky lives. Like, ever. And it's past the point of a little BO. "He completely reeks," complains an annoyed crewmember.

Since I'm a fancy gentleman, my hygiene and the hygiene of the ladies that I court is very important to me. Why, just last year I had to break up with a Russian model over this. I invited her to a party at my hotel suite and she just laid on my couch for three days. She even had her eyes open staring at the ceiling and wouldn't even talk to me. How rude! She started to smell pretty bad because she was too lazy to take a shower and she must have been cold too because her lips were blue. I called my bodyguard in about it, but he just ran out real fast then came back and wrapped her in a tarp and told me to come back later. I never saw her again, and quite frankly, I don't think I want to. The nerve of some people!

This was the most exciting meeting of the Medina City Council ever. [BestWeekEver]

Lady GaGa does his/her best to eradicate the need for pants on The View. Site NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]

Jennifer Lopez is meeting with her manager, which means sometime in the near future my eyes and/or ears will spontaneously start to bleed. [LaineyGossip]

Sienna Miller was hurt during a catfight on the set of GI Joe. [ImNotObsessed]

If you didn't see Watchmen, but you do want to see Malin Akerman's nipples as she has sex in the Owl Ship, this link is for you. [Egotastic]

Kristin Stewart is going to stop making Twilight movies for long enough to ruin the memory of Joan Jett. [ICYDK]

Man, I didn't realize that weed in California was filled such rejuvenating antioxidants and nourishing botanicals from the sea that add vibrancy to dull and tired skin, because Kristen Stewart looks absolutely fantastic! I wish she would roll me a joint because I could use some Witch Hazel extract. And maybe some Sweet Orange oils! This skin doesn't stay fresh and hydrated on it's own you know!

Eliza Dusku's Dollhouse premieres next Friday, so it's time to dump her sexy promo outtakes onto the internet! [BadandUgly]

Dan Ackroyd's daughter has a tramp stamp. Site NSFW [TaxiDriverMovie]

A guy named Joe Satriani is going to "ambush" Coldplay in New York. They always needed a good ambushing. [LaineyGossip]

Kristen Stewart has pot-leafs for nipples. [Egotastic]

Charlize Theron's nipples could probably do the job of laser-etchings. [CityRag]

Like everything else in Toys "R" Us, Jordan's boobs are cheap and plastic. Site NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]