"We bought a zoo! This thing came with it! Not sure what it is let me take a picture with it."
Since his wife is a bastard and an abomination against nature who will eventually be tracked and killed in a windmill by villagers after a marginally successful stint at power forward in the NBA D-League, Lamar Odom went to a Washington, D.C. strip club and made it rain on several hos. Radar Online reports:

The 27-year-old reality star's husband of more than two years, Dallas Mavericks star Lamar Odom, had a wild night with strippers at a notorious Washington D.C. strip club on January 8, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned. Multiple eyewitnesses have told RadarOnline.com that Odom dropped hundreds of dollars on dancers and at one point was sprawled out in a dimly lit corner of Stadium Club strip club, a venue that bills itself as a "five star dining and premier gentleman's club experience."..."Strippers were grinding on him," the onlooker said in an exclusive interview. He attended the seedy club with Mavericks' teammates Shawn Marion and Delonte West in the hours before the 2011 NBA champions were honored by President Barack Obama in a ceremony at the White House on January 9...."That's where the VIPs go when they don't want to be seen publicly with a stripper," the source at the venue said. "Lamar disappeared into the back of the venue where the private rooms are. He was there for quite awhile, but eventually came back to hang with the strippers in the main area again. The stripper that gave him most of his lap dances was a complete Khloe look-a-like."

Also, as a rule of thumb, if you go to a strip club, make sure your wife doesn't have 82 billion Twitter followers:

Several strip-clubbers posted Tweets about Odom's visit, too.

@IamBentleyEvans wrote, "Oh oh Lamar Odom gon (sic) be at Stadium. Khloe can sleep well tonight. The girls r too pretty and not muscular enough for him."

@Dai_laSoul wrote, "Lamar Odom at stadium n dc ACTING BAD @KhloeKardashian.

Wait, all I got from this is "five star dining and premier gentleman's club experience". Anybody know if they're on Yelp?

Khloe Kardashian is stoked to move to Dallas to get away from family drama. Radar Online reports:

“Khloe is eager to get out of the constant media spotlight that comes with living in Los Angeles. Dallas has welcomed her and Lamar with open arms, and she is embracing this as an adventure,” a source close to the couple tells RadarOnline.com. “Khloe has been telling her closest friends that she is thrilled about the move because she will be getting away from the constant family drama. Kim and Khloe had been feuding up until November, but the two have since made up. However, Khloe is still extremely hurt that Kim called her an evil troll during an episode of Kourtney and Kim Take New York.” ... In the meantime, Khloe has been trying to get pregnant for the past two years with no success, and has begun in vitro fertilization treatment. "Khloe has told Lamar that leading a calmer life in Dallas will help her get and stay pregnant. Khloe loves her family, but there is just always a situation where one family member is mad at another. She is embracing this move in a big way," the friend dishes.

Please bear in mind that Khloe and Lamar had a wedding special and their own reality show outside of the ones she shares with her sisters. She's not tired of media attention. She's tired of being the ugly, infertile one. Chances are moving to Dallas won't make her "get and stay pregnant." A time machine and an X-chromosome may help, though.

"Hey, come take my picture, guys! Look at all the stuff I bought with my allowance!"
When Lamar Odom was traded to the Dallas Mavericks, Odom and Khloe Kardashian whined, but then quickly realized they'd still get to film their "reality" show, so they got excited about the move. A move that would allow a young couple to grow and cultivate their relationship without the constant involvement of Khloe's family oh wait no Rob Kardashian is moving in with them again. Celebuzz reports:

“I’m definitely going to move there, especially in the initial run to help Khloe pack and be with her. Khloe is going to be alone for the majority of the time because half the time Lamar will be on the road. We’re going to be filming and I’ll be keeping her company,” Rob dished to Celebuzz at Duracell’s Holiday Insurance Program event in New York. The 24-year-old reality star isn’t sure what to expect from Dallas, as he’s never been there, but he is ready to take the city by storm. “Dallas should be a fun city. I definitely want to catch some games and support my brother-in-law. I’ll be in and out but for the most part, I’m down to be there for a few months. There is no reason for me to be in LA. I can do anything from anywhere,” he added. “I’m ready to start experiencing the lifestyle and seeing what it’s all about.”

To reiterate, Rob Kardashian is 24-year-old fuck up who would rather make up any excuse to move to Dallas than get a job and find his own place. At least it's near Houston and the Space Center. The episode where he wakes up at noon and tells Khloe that he wants to go to astronaut school while she's driving him to meet a girl at the movies should be wrought with drama.

Late last week, it was announced that Lakers reserve forward Lamar Odom was part of a three team trade that would send all-star point guard and North Carolina legend Chris Paul to the Lakers and Odom to the New Orleans Hornets. Almost immediately, Khloe Kardashian and Odom took to Twitter to whine and complain because everybody in the NBA should be able to play where they want and it's not a business where owners try to make money la la la la la, even though Odom comes off the bench and got beat like a runaway slave when he was asked to guard Dirk Nowitzki during last year's Western Conference Semifinals. Then in a sketch move that is still being debated, NBA Commissioner Daniel Stern vetoed the trade. So instead of being happy he gets to stay in LA like he wanted, Odom pouted like a bitch and skipped the first day of Lakers' training camp and formally asked to be traded. So he was. To the Dallas Mavericks for an $8.9 trade exception. E! Online reports:

Talk about a whirlwind. Just days after Lamar Odom's trade to the New Orleans Hornets was cancelled, the Los Angeles Lakers reportedly re-traded him, this time to the Dallas Mavericks. So, how is his wife, Khloé Kardashian Odom, handling the news? "'For I know the plans I have for u," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper u and not to harm u, plans to give u hope and a future." Jeremiah'," Khloé tweeted upon hearing about the trade. And then she went on to tell a follower regarding the trade, "we are all sad but positive energy gets you farther then negative." Khloé continued to try to spread positivity on the social networking site in spite of the shakeup, later tweeting "Life is not always fair. Sometimes you get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow." Such a cute quote..."

So why would a perennial playoff team trade a player who is seemingly an integral part of their championship plans to anyone (even a conference rival) who would take him? Let Kobe Bryant explain:

"I don't like it," Bryant said Sunday. "I've known Lamar for a long time, and for the team itself, he's meant a lot in terms of his versatility, his personality. He's a big presence for us in the locker room, just from a team chemistry standpoint. He's great at bringing guys together and things of that nature. Bryant wasn't buying into speculation that Odom's off-the-court activities were distractions, including a burgeoning reality-TV career with wife Khloe Kardashian. "I don't understand the criticism of [the] reality shows. I don't get it. He had his best season last year. It clearly wasn't a distraction. He played his ass off. I don't get where that comes from."

So basically, the Lakers front office saw what happened with Kris Humphries and decided they didn't need that fucking headache and cut Lamar Odom loose for a cardboard cutout of basketball and a giftcard to Applebee's. Now Kobe Bryant is upset because Chris Paul won't let him take 85 shots a game or help bury the bodies of the girls he rapes. Like Lamar Odom did. You guys didn't hear that from me, though.

Since she was caught living in a tree on The Island of Doctor Moreau as a child and kept in captivity in Calabasas until she was dipped in body hair remover and the estrogen shots took hold, Khloe Kardashian's mutated uterus in an unholy abomination cursed by God and studied with wonder by modern science because she has unprotected sex with a black guy with three kids already but she needs eccentric billionaire John Hammond to extract her eggs from prehistoric amber to make a baby. At least I think that's how In vitro fertilization works. New York Post reports:

"She is desperate for a baby with Lamar and will do whatever it takes," a source close to the couple tells Us Weekly. The source claims that Kardashian and Odom began consultations in September, and are getting ready for the procedure which costs $10,000 to $15,000 a pop. "They have faith the IVF will work," the source adds. This would be Kardashian's first pregnancy. Odom has two children -- Destiny, 13, and Lamar Jr., 10 -- from a previous relationship with ex-girlfriend Liza Morales. The couple also had a third child who tragically died at seven months. While Khloe has not confirmed that she and her husband are trying IVF, she has been very vocal about her desire to have children since marrying Odom in 2009. "For two years, people have been wanting me to get pregnant," Khloe said. "People keep saying, 'Why aren't you pregnant yet?' That's what scares me, when people are like, 'Did you go to the doctor? Do you know if everything is working?' It's nerve-wracking. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting everyone down."

We don't even need to talk about how much extra security staff Yellowstone is gonna need to hire when this bitch becomes pregnant (odors attract bears, so avoid carrying or cooking odorous foods), but can we point out the fact that Lamar Odom is 6'10" and she has extended family on Skull Island? The WBNA is gonna be able to pay this kid in raw meat and bamboo.

When you marry an attention whore who is only famous because her sister got mouthfucked on camera and because her dad made millions by defending a guy who cut his wife's head off, there's certain factors you have to consider. Those factors being, she's an attention whore who is only famous because her sister got mouthfucked on camera and because her dad made millions by defending a guy who cut his wife's head off. Us Magazine reports:

Two days after the premiere of Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom's new reality series, Khloe & Lamar, the L.A. Lakers star is already struggling to adapt to the rigors of fame. "I thought it was going to be easy. It's really tough," Odom, 31, tells Ellen DeGeneres in a new interview airing Tuesday. Kardashian -- who also appears on her family's E! series Keeping Up With the Kardashians -- admits she tried to initially shield her husband from the pressures of being followed by cameras 24/7. "I knew from doing my family's show how intense and grueling and how much they are really in your face," Kardashian, 26, says. "I personally didn't want to do the show. I love taping. I just didn't want to put Lamar through that pressure and Lamar was like, 'let's do it.'" Consenting to the cameras was easier said than done for Odom, and three days into filming, he tried to quit. "He said, 'Can you tell your mom to get us out of this contract?' I go, 'Absolutely not. That ship has sailed,'" Kardashian said.

Oh, please. Lamar didn't even have a chance to finish saying "I do" before Kris Jenner was fingering herself looking at the contract. Of course they were gonna have a reality show. Of course Ryan Seacrest and Kris Jenner probably considered making him sign the contract at gunpoint. Of course Ryan Seacrest is probably developing Keeping Up With Kendall's Period as we speak. They're Kardashians. That's what the fuck they do. If one of these whores had to go five minutes without a camera in their face they'd take a hostage.

Oh, on a sidenote: I apologize that some of you had to be mildly inconvenienced by an embedded video promoting their show. Sorry about that. Just email me and let me know how much you want to pay for a subscription to read this site and I'll make sure you never have to go through a horrible day like that again.

The whores were aligned last night when Khloe Kardashian and her husband Lamar Odom launched their unisex fragrance for giants, "Unbreakable". I guess its name is supposed to be some metaphor for their love or some dumb shit like that, but it should be a popular scent at step competitions and family reunions at churches with "Zion" in the title.

I...I...I don't even know. Kim said:

Every year the whole family gets together to take pics for our family Christmas card. This year was extra special because we had a new addition to the family… little Mason! We went super glam this year and each went for our own look. Kourt chose a tailored suit to match Mason and Scott, Khloe went for gorgeous peach ruffles and I chose a floor-length white gown. How stunning do Kendall and Kylie look!? This might be my favorite of all our family Christmas cards!

If somebody can show me in this picture where I'm supposed to see "super glam" and "stunning" that would be great. Christ. This picture couldn't be less realistic if there was a dragon in a tuxedo and the Hezbollah looking baby had Doc Ock robot arms.