Erin Heatherton must still be on the fence about anal, because Leonardo DiCaprio has pulled the classic "you want to meet my mother?" He's so in there! New York Post reports:

Leonardo DiCaprio and Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton can’t keep their hands off each other. “It is nonstop PDA,” a source said of their hot-and-heavy relationship. DiCaprio introduced Heatherton to his mother, Irmelin, over a well-behaved New Year’s Day brunch at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles. “The meeting went well, and Mom and Erin were seen laughing,” our source said. Leo is very close to his mom, whose approval is key to his relationships.

The last time we saw Erin Heatherton, she was spending $1,700 in lingerie just so she could get on Leo's plane, now she's probably masturbating to Titanic right after she called all her friends and told them to save the date because her and Leo are getting married soon and omg we're going to Maldives guys and then we'll have two kids one boy and one girl and I'll dress them up and we'll have two dogs and a cat or two cats and a dog but I don't know because Leo loves polar bears so we may get one of those or a bird and what color should the nursery be blue I'm thinking blue no pink oh and my last name will be DiCaprio and I'll be a great mother and great wife because Leo introduced me to his mother and I can totally tell she loves me oh god I think my ovaries just dropped leo leo leo married leo leo leo pregnant leo. "Hey, when does this chick turn 25 again? Three years? Let's save that date instead." - Leonardo DiCaprio

To understand the true mentality of us men, start at 7:07:

While filming The Great Gatsby in Australia, Leonardo DiCaprio was banging two Australian models. But you can only bang two Australian models simultaneously for so long before you get bored, so sometimes you have to bang a 22-year old Victoria's Secret model from Illinois. Herald Sun reports:

LEONARDO DiCaprio's Christmas will be a splendid one if current flame Erin Heatherton's shopping splurge is an indication. The gorgeous American Victoria's Secret model yesterday swept into Sydney lingerie shop Elegantly Scant and snapped up almost $1700 worth of frillies. Heatherton has been at DiCaprio's side for the past month, the couple having their first public sighting in Sydney at a martial arts contest on December 9 at Luna Park. Now it seems the leggy model is planning to fly home with DiCaprio tomorrow and, perhaps tired of her collection of Victoria's Secret scanties, is in need of some new nightwear to keep DiCaprio interested..

Just to put this in perspective, a Victoria's Secret model has to make an emergency run to a lingerie shop and spend $1,700 just to better her chances of being allowed to board Leo's plane. Now go walk over to your girlfriend who's wearing sweatpants while she's wrapping presents and make it sound like you love her. Let me know if you need me to walk you through it.

Ever since leaving Blake Lively and her dreams by the side of the road in August, Leonardo DiCaprio has been in Australia filming the Great Gatsby and banging two Australian models. But banging two models gets boring, so sometimes you have to bang three. In his defense, three is the magic number. No more, no less. You don't have to guess. New York Post reports:

In Sydney to film "The Great Gatsby," the star was photographed entertaining an unidentified beauty at his waterfront Sydney mansion earlier in the week -- and on Thursday The (Sydney) Daily Telegraph revealed his companion was underwear model Madalina Ghenea. Ghenea is one of Italy's hottest underwear models -- considered in that country to be one of the most beautiful women in the world. The Romanian-born model, once the girlfriend of Italian pop star Eros Ramazzotti, is the third woman to be linked to DiCaprio since he split from US actress Blake Lively in early October.

Remember when the Nazis tried to steal the Ark Of the Covenant in Raiders of The Lost Ark and when they opened it, their faces melted off? I bet that's what happens when an ugly chick tries to unzip DiCaprio's pants.

"Haha, hey guys, one of the Australian models I'm banging just texted me and asked if she could be my girlfriend. Wanna see her tits? LOL." Page Six reports:

Hollywood star Leonardo DiCaprio is in no rush to settle down after breaking up with actress Blake Lively last month and is romancing more than one Australian beauty while in Sydney. The 36-year-old US actor, who is in Australia working on Baz Luhrmann's "The Great Gatsby," was last week linked to former "Australia's Next Top Model" contestant Alyce Crawford (this chick), who had been spotted frequenting his suite at The Star casino, The (Sydney) Sunday Telegraph reported. But the "Inception" star has also struck up a steamy relationship with another Aussie model, 20-year-old Kendal Schuler (this chick). Sources close to Schuler confirmed the model had been spending time with DiCaprio. "Leo has told her she can visit any time she likes as long as she keeps it low-key," one friend told the newspaper. "She has taken him up on that opportunity already a couple of times. But she isn't silly -- she knows this isn't serious and she is just enjoying the time with him." The friend said they had first met in Los Angeles but were reacquainted after seeing each other at exclusive Sydney nightclub, Beach Haus. "They have been in contact since he got here and she has seen him three or four times," the friend said. "He has told her to be very discreet."

So to recap, Leonardo DiCaprio takes one Australian model out in public, then tells another one they can bang if she keeps her mouth shut about it. So let me be the first to say, fuck you Leonardo DiCaprio.

I just posted today that Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Rafaeli broke up, and now I find out that he's already trying to spread Ashley Greene's legs apart and yell he's the king of the world. Ashley, you dirty, dirty whore. Celebuzz reports:

Newly single Leonardo DiCaprio had a boys night out in Hollywood Wednesday. He, along with Lukas Haas and Emile Hirsch went to Beacher’s Madhouse at The Roosevelt Hotel where he met another famous face. Sources at the club confirm to Celebuzz he was introduced by friends to Twilight hottie Ashley Greene! New couple alert? Not quite yet. “They talked for a couple minutes, it was nothing too serious,” an eyewitness says of the encounter. “They were both smiling and seemed happy to meet each other though.

A boys night out with Lukas Haas and Emile Hirsch, huh? It's safe to say I like my chances with that lineup. Then that will leave just me and Leonardo. Face to face. Straight up and down don't even bother. I got forty niggas up in here now who kill niggas fathers.

After four years of dating, Bar Refaeli and Leonardo DiCaprio have split. What a sad day for love. I bet it's particularly tough on DiCaprio. I bet he can't even jerk off in the mouth of the 18-year old South African model that's more than likely on her knees in front of him right now he's so distraught. New York Post reports:

Leonardo DiCaprio and model Bar Refaeli have officially called it quits, Page Six has exclusively learned. The pair broke up late last week after going through a rough patch. "It was amicable, they're still friends and they are still talking," said a source close to the couple. "They just grew apart and went their separate ways," the source said, adding that there was no one else involved in the breakup -- and Refaeli was spotted looking happy and relaxed with her agent in Berlin this week.

Bar Refaeli is 25, so if my math is correct, she has five more years before she suddenly announces her a pregnancy and tells the world that she has fallen in love with the man of her dreams. And that man will be a 73-year old billionaire shipping magnate with no immediate family and a dialysis machine. Isn't love beautiful!

Unlike Iran, Leonardo DiCaprio has a sudden interest in Israel. Why? Vagina makes you do strange things. Daily Mail reports:

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio is thinking of converting to Judaism in what friends say is ‘the clearest sign yet’ he will marry girlfriend Bar Refaeli. DiCaprio, 36 – a non-practising Catholic – has made several secret visits to Israel where Bar, his girlfriend of five years, comes from. ‘Leo’s sudden intense interest in Israel, its culture and religion is the clearest sign yet that he intends to marry Bar,’ said a source. ‘He has been staying with her in a hotel in Tel Aviv for a few days at a time recently so that he can avoid the photographers outside her apartment in a nearby suburb. ‘Now he is looking into converting for her.’

I'm not really sure why DiCaprio or any other A-list actor/professional athlete/successful businessman would ever get married, but look at the banner pic and I can see why he's considering it. I would convert to the Church of Latter Day Cannibal Werewolves if it meant I had the option of pulling out of this.

Because no matter what he does will stop him from getting Grade A vagina, Leonardo DiCaprio is set to play America's first documented serial killer, Dr. Henry Howard Holmes. In Chicago during the 1893 World's Fair, he was the leading cause of death. But at least he didn't kill babies. Whew! E! Online reports:

The actor is set to star as a serial killer in a big-screen adaptation of Erik Larson's bestselling nonfiction book The Devil in the White City. DiCaprio will portray H.H. Holmes, who is believed to have killed as many as 200 people in Chicago during the 1893 World's Fair. The sociopath did his deadly deeds in a hotel that he himself built that later became known as the "murder castle." It was equipped with such devices as a gas chamber, dissecting table and crematorium. Holmes would place ads in local newspapers to lure unsuspecting female newcomers to the Windy City to his deathtrap.

Since I just did a post about dead babies, I thought I'd lighten the mood with a post about a serial killer. Of adults. I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better now. Thanks for asking.