Because she has a lot of free time on her hands and wants to "tell-all" before Mark Ebner gets around to prolapsing her anus more than it already is, Lindsay is writing a book. Yes, you just read that. Lindsay Lohan. Writing a book.
Popeater reports:

"I write a lot and it's very therapeutic for me because then I can see what's happening on paper," she told OK! Magazine. "I've started writing a book. It's going to take a while, all my life experiences. I started writing it a year ago. There's a lot to put down, you know?" Lindsay also compared her multiple stints in rehab to vacations. "It was a nice time to shut everyone off for a while because there was so much noise. There were some things I had done... I had put myself in situations which I probably should have thought through." Perhaps she wants to clear up the party girl image that she is so famous for. "When I was in school I didn't drink, or even try one, until I was probably 18," she said. "Literally, and I'm not lying about that. I'm just some sort of a target for some reason! I'm made out all the time to be the bad guy!"

I have no idea why she needs to write a book, because all people have to do is look to the right and click on "Lindsay Lohan" and they'll find out all the need to know. But since I'm a reclusive shut-inhuge Internet sensation with many contacts in my phonethe industry, I received a partial preview of the chapter names:

Chapter 1: I played twins in that one movie
Chapter 2: I have big tits
Chapter &: Cocaine, what's all this about?
Chapter 4br5: Semen: It's warm.
Chapter rainbow: I fucking love coloring!!
Chapter 9: Daddy :(
Chapter y: Vagina. It's also warm
Chapter ?: How to flee a scene
Chapter 465: Semen: It's warm. Did I mention that?
Chapter 76: Unemployment forms: How to fill them out
Chapter 86fs: I'm positive. Wait, that's good, right?

Lindsay at Sketch Nightclub. Ironically, the same two words that will be in her obituary:

...Dead or Aliiiiiiiive.

Sorry. I had to. It's like, a thing. I'm guessing they'll bring her in alive.

Nothing like waking up to a statement from the Beverly Hills Police Department, made last night when I was so obviously drinking and not thinking about Lindsay Lohan:

"In response to media inquiries, [the] Beverly Hills Police Department is confirming a warrant was in fact issued today [March 13] for the arrest of Lindsay Lohan . The $50,000 warrant issued by the Beverly Hills Superior Court stems from a May 2007 arrest of Miss Lohan for DUI and hit-and-run. The circumstances leading to the issuance of the warrant by the court are not readily available at this time. It is our hope that Miss Lohan will surrender herself so that this matter will be resolved in a timely manner."

Looks like it's "here we go again" for those of us with sharp, painful memories of high-speed chases through LA, noisy coke parties and the two kinds of justice in America: normal justice and Celeb Justice. As an example, this warrent was issued, then Lindsay...went shopping:

Just hours after the Beverly Hills Police Department confirmed an arrest warrant had been issued for Lindsay Lohan , the actress was spotted going grocery shopping and partying at L.A.'s Chateau Marmont.

Look at her in that photo. Bitch knows she's wanted by the po. But she needs her flax seed!

I don't know what flax seed is, but it's always sounded evil to me. Like the thing you buy when you're skipping out on a warrant. Plus, I want to blame things on flax seed. Just the flax!

Whatever you do tonight, please do it safe. Don't be like Paris Hilton and spread herpes. Don't be like Lindsay Lohan and crash your car while you're drunk and high. If your crotch looks like Britney's, please close your legs.

We'll be back on January 2nd. Until then, enjoy New Year's Eve with Paris and Nicky Hilton. They're "like two niggers!"

As part of her plea deal in her two DUI cases, which involved two counts of cocaine possession and fleeing the scene of an accident, Lindsay Lohan turned herself in to authorities on Thurdsay to serve her minimum 24-hour jail sentence. Apparently "minimum" means something else than I thought it did. People reports:

According to the sheriff's department Web site, the actress turned herself in at 10:30 a.m., and was released at 11:54 a.m. The jail has a long-standing policy of releasing non-violent offenders early due to overcrowding. "Ms. Lohan was cooperative," sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore tells PEOPLE. "She was fingerprinted, photographed, and put in a holding cell, but was let go due to our early release policy."

During her stay, Lindsay made an excellent choice by selecting the deep pore cleansing facial, a hot stone massage, and a milk and honey body scrub. She also requested a chilled champagne glass, to see the dessert tray, and anything else that law enforcement in California does to kiss celebrity ass.

Lindsay doing community service:

Celebrity worshippers, OK! Magazine, managed to be the first to offer money to Lindsay Lohan, so in an "exclusive interview," Lindsay discusses her DUI, her stay in rehab, and life after. Being a whore was not mentioned. Lindsay says:

It was a sobering experience. It made me look at myself and all the people, places and things in my life in a different way...I'm going back to shoot Dare to Love Me, but I plan on returning to Utah so I can stay focused and avoid other distractions..."Temptation is always there. But now I'll avoid it the right way...I hit rock bottom"Everything in my life came to a point where I had to make a decision...I'm here to stay. My talent is a gift and I'm going to use it."

I wonder while she was writing this if Lindsay's publicist minded that Lindsay was chalking lines and separating her butt plugs by color? I hope not. Because green doesn't go in the black pile. Black isn't even a primary color. Jesus, do I have to do everything myself?


Source

The Los Angeles District Attorney's office formally filed charges against Lindsay Lohan today and as expected, Lohan was not charged with a felony. Although cocaine was found during both of her DUI arrests, and she fled the scene of an accident, Lohan faces seven misdemeanors and four days in jail. If the felonies would have been entered, Lohan would have faced several years in prison. TMZ reports:

As to why no felony charges were filed, the DA says Lohan's cocaine traces "were below the .05 grams required by office policy for felony filing." Sources tell us there were also problems even proving she was in possession of the drug. As for the second case, a law enforcement source tells us the manner in which the cocaine was seized was questionable. In addition, the source says the amount of cocaine "didn't meet the threshold for filing." But there's more to the story: In deciding whether to file felony cocaine charges, the D.A. always looks at the person and the circumstances. In Lohan's case, the fact that she was busted twice in a short period of time actually helped her. It shows someone is struggling with an addiction problem. The fact that each time she was busted, she immediately checked into a rehab facility also helped her case. Also, her age -- 21 -- and the fact that her upbringing was extremely unstable -- also worked in her favor."

Well, I guess that's that. I've seen episodes of Dragon Tales that were scarier than the LA District Attorney.

Lindsay Lohan reportedly checked into rehab for the third time this year after being in hiding for the last two weeks following her second DUI arrest. This time Lindsay has entered Cirque Lodge in Sundance, Utah to start an "intense rehabilitation program". The Insider says:

According to sources within the facility, the 21-year-old star arrived this weekend to begin the intense rehabilitation program that is expected to last a minimum of 30 days. The center treats men and women over the age of 18. According to the Cirque Lodge Web site, upon check-in, a thorough mental and physical examination is completed. The Lodge was named by Town & Country magazine to be one of the country's top rehabs. For a price tag of $30,000 and up, the rehab offers privacy -- with rooms for 16 residents at a time. Rooms boast spectacular views, Jacuzzi tubs and private fireplaces."

This sure sounds like a place for Lindsay to get some tough love. There's no way she can relapse after leaving this place. Ask any recovering addict and they'll tell you that if it wasn't for "spectacular views" and "jacuzzi tubs" they never would have made it.

Note: The New York Post says Lindsay is at her family's home in Long Island, so who the hell knows where she is. Is she Waldo all of a sudden?

The folks at ELLE sent us the cover for their September '07 issue and the highlights from their interview with Lindsay Lohan. This was Lindsay's last official interview which was only 36 hours before her first DUI and going to rehab before Memorial Day. Below is part of the interview and, naturally, I had something to say about everything.

On her reputation for drunk driving: "I wouldn't violate ... I'm much more responsible than that. I would not do that."

- Liar.

On attending rehab at Wonderland before her 21st birthday: 'I was growing up and going out a lot, and I needed to have a balance. I was glad I went, because I needed to get away from everyone and I didn't know how to do that. And I learned a lot there. A bunch of my friends - I was with them last night - they're in AA for, like, years."

- Actually, you only did it because your damage control PR people told you to do it, and according to the people who saw you do it, you still got high in rehab.

On her sometimes-boyfriend Calum Best: "I like him. He's me in male form. We're very similar. Stubborn, rebellious, very smart, coy, a little bit narcissistic - I think all actors have a little bit of that, and so they should. We'll be kidding around, like the other day when we were in the Bahamas ... I was walking by some mirror. And he caught me looking in the mirror and he goes, 'I caught that!' I was like, 'Damn, I look good!'

- So you're both shallow and stuck up. Got it. Do you pay hookers to fuck you, too?

On the media firestorm surrounding her: "I feel like the asshole, the idiot, because I feel like I'm distracting from the other things that are important, like global warming and that kind of stuff. I genuinely mean that. And I don't know what to do."

- You are an asshole, and an idiot.

On avoiding fame: "I hate it, like, when these people say, 'Well, why do you go to the Ivy if you don't want ..." Seriously, I like their food! I can't go to a restaurant? I know I'm going to get pictures taken. I'm fine with it. And I'm going to go have their food. People give you shit for it: 'Don't go on Robertson!' What, I can't drive down the street?"

- You live for that shit. You'd kill yourself if the paparazzi started ignoring you.

On being photographed without underwear: "It was once, and it was when I was in Venice. And I was rushing through the room, threw the Prada dress on. And that's what happened. And I didn't even see the picture. I don't look at that shit - that's gross. If I wear a dress I have underwear on."

- Actually it was twice, jackass. And it's funny that even you think your pussy is gross.

On sleep troubles: "I have really bad insomnia. My whole life. I get nervous at night going to bed, and being awake alone really freaks me out."

- No, you have a cocaine habit and you're a codependent slut.

On her career aspirations: "I just want to be nominated for an award for all the work I've done. It's so funny - people forget that I played two characters in Parent Trap when I was twelve years old."

- Ha ha ha!! Good one! Yes, your raspy smoker's voice and utter lack of any acting range whatsoever in every movie you're in is exceptional talent. I'll nominate you for a nicotine patch and some acting lessons.

The issue of ELLE which will include the rest of the interview will be on the stands on Tuesday, August 7th. And Lindsay will likely be working on her third DUI around the same time.

Note: According to today's Page Six, Lindsay also stole clothing from the ELLE shoot.