Scientists and leading researchers have pondered for years how Lindsay Lohan could have more cocks inside her than a KFC and not have a sex tape, but yeah, they can stop worrying now. The Daily Mail reports:

The Mean Girls actress is currently bracing herself for the internet release of a private video file...The man offering around the sex video is a waiter with a well-known chain restaurant, according to the Daily Mirror...He has been told he has to release the footage to an 'offshore porn site', and it will then be available across the world. Now a source told the Mirror: 'This video file is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors.' They added: 'If and when it is released on the internet, via a spurious, unofficial website, there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it.'

"Private video file"? I love the British, but seriously. This video isn't some counter-intelligence that Lindsay gathered for M to stop Quantum from taking over Bolivia's water supply. In a more likely scenario, it's Lindsay Lohan with her panties around her neck fumbling for her lighter while some dude fucks her in the ass. And let's not pretend it's something Lindsay doesn't want to get out. If she had a reality show, it would be sponsored by Plan B One-Step and anal beads, so let's not get too carried away here.

You've seen the pics and the video from Lindsay Lohan's pro-smoking ad Muse photoshoot, so now here's the outtakes. It's still Lindsay looking like a truck stop hooker who would give you a blowjob for a Mtn Dew and a nicotine patch, but with way more areola.

THE BANNER PIC. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

The CDC hasn't released an official statement yet, so if you watch this video of Lindsay Lohan's Muse photoshoot, it's on you. So when the national guard puts a tent over your house and pumps in chemicals to kill you and the lethal hybrid virus, try to remember not to struggle.

NOTE: If you didn't get enough Crackhead Fancy, check out Lindsay's way NSFW recreation of a Marilyn Monroe shoot here and here.

The Lindsay Lohan Power Anal Porn Doomsday Clock is set to three minutes to midnight, so her topless shoot in Muse magazine is probably something you'll see more of soon. Not like you need to anyway. The only way I could see more of Lindsay Lohan is if she showed me her X-rays.

CLICK ON THE BANNER PIC. C'MON, DO IT. DON'T BE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD TO HAVE NEVER SEEN LINDSAY'S TITS A MILLION TIMES.

Who in the hell knows why or how, but in the magical land of delusion and insanity that Lindsay Lohan calls a mind, she truly believes that she is the second coming of Marilyn Monroe. I'll repeat that: Lindsay Lohan believes she is Marilyn Monroe. Since she has no concept of reality, she is pitching a remake of Monroe's Some Like It Hot, to studio heads with her as the star. You'll never guess the reaction! San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Sources close to Lohan claims she sees real parallels between her life and that of the Monroe and is pitching a remake to Hollywood bosses. According to OK! magazine, director Brett Ratner has already rejected the idea, but Lohan isn't giving up. An insider tells the tabloid, "Lindsay is pinning her hopes on getting a remake of 'Some Like It Hot' off the ground. "She's undaunted, but there's no script and there's no money. The only thing Lindsay has to sell is herself. "She sees herself as the second coming of Marilyn Monroe -- misunderstood, talented and in desperate need of an incredible film vehicle that will truly showcase her talents."

So to reiterate, there's no script, no director, no money, and no chance in hell Lindsay Lohan will ever be a movie star again. The only thing Lindsay Lohan will ever star in again is an airtighting instruction video.

Lindsay Lohan playing pretend. You can also see Lindsay's nude recreation of a classic Marilyn photoshoot here and here (NSFW):

I realize that Lindsay Lohan desperately wants to believe that she looks like Marilyn Monroe, but the only thing they have in common is big tits and the hope that Lindsay will one day be found in her bedroom dead of an overdose by her live-in housekeeper, so I have no idea why photographers insist on shooting this skank as one of the hottest pieces of ass of the last 100 years. The Bert Stern shoot was only remotely tolerable because Lindsay got naked (HERE and HERE - NSFW), so please stop trying to convince me that Lindsay Lohan looks like this bitch. To reiterate, it's Lindsay Lohan. At this point, I'd rather dig up Marilyn Monroe and have sex with whatever's left, because, if I can be honest, I'm almost positive the corpse would have a higher T-cell count.

You can click on the banner picture to see Lindsay Lohan's nipple if you want to, but please keep in mind she'll be in porn soon, so this might not be as good as when her tits will be bouncing up and down on the black guy in the horse mask. Besides, you've seen Lindsay's tits a million times already (here, here, here, here, here, here), so what's the big deal? At this point, the only way you could see more of Lindsay Lohan's tits is if she turned them inside out.

I have no idea exactly what Lindsay Lohan is trying to do here, but whatever it is, it's not working. She's topless, and I appreciate the effort, but good luck trying to get me to masturbate to something with a tattoo on her wrist that looks like it should be making hinges at Schindler's factory. My penis just thinks that's in poor taste. Like Asian girls.


If "topless" didn't give it away, some of these pictures might be NSFW. Especially #6. And the closeup version of #6 here. Oh, and the picture your girlfriend sent me on my cell phone: