The Lindsay Lohan Power Anal Porn Doomsday Clock is set to three minutes to midnight, so her topless shoot in Muse magazine is probably something you'll see more of soon. Not like you need to anyway. The only way I could see more of Lindsay Lohan is if she showed me her X-rays.

CLICK ON THE BANNER PIC. C'MON, DO IT. DON'T BE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD TO HAVE NEVER SEEN LINDSAY'S TITS A MILLION TIMES.

Who in the hell knows why or how, but in the magical land of delusion and insanity that Lindsay Lohan calls a mind, she truly believes that she is the second coming of Marilyn Monroe. I'll repeat that: Lindsay Lohan believes she is Marilyn Monroe. Since she has no concept of reality, she is pitching a remake of Monroe's Some Like It Hot, to studio heads with her as the star. You'll never guess the reaction! San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Sources close to Lohan claims she sees real parallels between her life and that of the Monroe and is pitching a remake to Hollywood bosses. According to OK! magazine, director Brett Ratner has already rejected the idea, but Lohan isn't giving up. An insider tells the tabloid, "Lindsay is pinning her hopes on getting a remake of 'Some Like It Hot' off the ground. "She's undaunted, but there's no script and there's no money. The only thing Lindsay has to sell is herself. "She sees herself as the second coming of Marilyn Monroe -- misunderstood, talented and in desperate need of an incredible film vehicle that will truly showcase her talents."

So to reiterate, there's no script, no director, no money, and no chance in hell Lindsay Lohan will ever be a movie star again. The only thing Lindsay Lohan will ever star in again is an airtighting instruction video.

Lindsay Lohan playing pretend. You can also see Lindsay's nude recreation of a classic Marilyn photoshoot here and here (NSFW):

I realize that Lindsay Lohan desperately wants to believe that she looks like Marilyn Monroe, but the only thing they have in common is big tits and the hope that Lindsay will one day be found in her bedroom dead of an overdose by her live-in housekeeper, so I have no idea why photographers insist on shooting this skank as one of the hottest pieces of ass of the last 100 years. The Bert Stern shoot was only remotely tolerable because Lindsay got naked (HERE and HERE - NSFW), so please stop trying to convince me that Lindsay Lohan looks like this bitch. To reiterate, it's Lindsay Lohan. At this point, I'd rather dig up Marilyn Monroe and have sex with whatever's left, because, if I can be honest, I'm almost positive the corpse would have a higher T-cell count.

You can click on the banner picture to see Lindsay Lohan's nipple if you want to, but please keep in mind she'll be in porn soon, so this might not be as good as when her tits will be bouncing up and down on the black guy in the horse mask. Besides, you've seen Lindsay's tits a million times already (here, here, here, here, here, here), so what's the big deal? At this point, the only way you could see more of Lindsay Lohan's tits is if she turned them inside out.

I have no idea exactly what Lindsay Lohan is trying to do here, but whatever it is, it's not working. She's topless, and I appreciate the effort, but good luck trying to get me to masturbate to something with a tattoo on her wrist that looks like it should be making hinges at Schindler's factory. My penis just thinks that's in poor taste. Like Asian girls.


If "topless" didn't give it away, some of these pictures might be NSFW. Especially #6. And the closeup version of #6 here. Oh, and the picture your girlfriend sent me on my cell phone:

This may come as a shock, but Lindsay Lohan is a complete mess again. She's dropping weight like a plane low on fuel and in the past few weeks, her behavior has become increasingly erratic. Her only income is reportedly from her legging line and the money she gets as one half of the D.J./hosting couple she forms with Samantha Ronson. Oh, wait, it gets worse. Yay! Fox News reports:

We’re told hard-partying Lindsay is pretty much surviving off Red Bull, coffee and cigarettes, is hardly sleeping and making strange phone-calls at odd hours of the night. All that combined with the stress of her rocky relationship with Ronson is clearly taking its toll in a dangerous way......."Looking at photos of Lindsay just over last month, there is obviously not only an obvious loss of weight but also a loss of muscle mass. A lack of muscle could lead to rapid weight gains in the long-term and a vicious cycle of yo-yo dieting," commented Fred DeVito, Nutrition/Fitness Expert and Founder of Exhale Spa’s Core Fusion....spies also spotted a super-distressed Miss Lohan in the lobby of NYC’s Bowery Hotel in the wee hours of Sunday morning, the night after she was engaged in yet another screaming match with Ronson. The hysterically sobbing actress had her platform shoes in her hand as she blindly ran outside into the cold. We’re told Linds seemed so messy and upset that a few concerned guests followed her out for fear she could "do something stupid" but were caught in the paparazzi crush on the street..."Lindsay is in a really bad place and refuses to believe anything is wrong," said our source, adding that one of the reasons she and Sam are still together is that Ronson has in the past reportedly threatened to write a tell-all book if they break-up. Friends and family have reportedly been putting pressure on Lohan to have her lover sign a confidentiality agreement as a true testament to her honesty.

But at least she's still hot and has really big tits and can get any guy she wants, right? Um, no. US Magazine

"Lindsay heard that Chace and Emile Hirsch were hanging out at [Justin Timberlake's restaurant] Southern Hospitality for drinks," explains the pal about events earlier in the evening. "But she showed up uninvited and unannounced. She caused quite a scene so Chace left to go back to his place for some more fun." Ouch! And as for the Herbie Fully Loaded star's surprise 6 a.m. appearance at Chace's apartment building? "Lindsay showed up uninvited to Chace's apartment and was not allowed in," the source reveals, adding that LiLo instead headed to the airport to fly home to Sam. Double ouch!

Yikes. Lindsay's agent might as well quit now because the next call this basket case is gonna get is her time of death. God, she's a mess. Lindsay just needs to step back, regroup and do things that showcase her actual talents. Maybe she can enter a smoking contest. Or star in an airtighting instructional video. There's a big market out there for videos like that. I mean, I'll tell you just like I told that waitress I took home from Outback and her parent's lawyers. If you don't want to get rich, honey, hey, that's cool.

Lindsay in New York on Monday. Ooh la la:



Photo credit: Splash

It's no secret that Lindsay Lohan has been dropping weight like an amputee lately, but don't worry. She's perfectly fine. Page Six reports:

LINDSAY Lohan looks teeny-tiny in recent photos, but her rep insists she's not heading back to her scary- skinny period. Responding to rumors we heard that Lohan is "surviving on candy and Red Bull" and "completely stressed out" by her rocky relationship with Samantha Ronson, her flack in sisted she's fine: "Lindsay is aware that she's lost some weight due to stress, but we recently did a photo shoot and she ate two full meals."

Man, I don't know why everybody was so worried. You see? Lindsay just ate two meals. C'mon, she's fine. The kid I sponsor in Uganda looks worse than this. But in Abinyo's defense, his village doesn't even have any restaurants. I keep mentioning in my letters that he should build some. I guess he's just lazy.

For some reason, Steppin' Out Magazine (via Gawker) asked Kristin Davis, the owner of the Eliot Spitzer favorite, Wicked Models escort agency, how much she would charge for some of today's biggest stars. Sure, ok. Here are a few that she mentioned:

1. Britney Spears: If she cleaned herself up maybe I could get a thousand dollars an hour for her. But if was the old Britney before she went crazy I could have gotten $2,000 easy.

2. Paris Hilton: She would get $1,500 an hour. She's slender and doesn't have implants. She's blonde and I could get away with selling her as a Ford model.

4. Katie Holmes: Katie would be very popular because she has that All American, college girl look. She would be super popular. Men want girls who look like Howard Stern's wife; the tall slender model type or they want that non-flashy, classically beautiful fresh face young look. The girl next door whom they could never get. They want the runway model they can't have now, or the prom queen they couldn't have then. I could probably get $2,500 an hour for Katie. Maybe even $3,000. I could max out on her.

5. Angelina Jolie: She would be my top girl. I call it my “Number one.” I would put her at $2,000 an hour. But you couldn't get her unless you booked her for 4 hours. I wouldn't let her go for just an hour. Maybe if you were a good client you could get her for an hour, but I would charge a lot more. At least $2,500.

8. Lindsay Lohan: She would do great! She's got that fresh face and freckles. Men would eat her up! I could get $1,800 an hour for Lindsay….Easy! I would let her go for just the hour. She would work more volume for me. Short stays and busy all night. But I'm sure I could get clients to extend time with her if I asked.

9. Rihanna: I think she is stunning and gorgeous. If I were a client I would choose her. But honestly, I don't have a market for her. She couldn't work for me. It's unfortunate. The African American and Asian models never do well. Rihanna wouldn't bring in any business for me.

I have a penis, so I think I'm qualified to say that the only person on this list who would make any money would be Angelina Jolie. Seriously. If Angelina was a prostitute, I probably wouldn't be the first guy to wonder where I could hire a dwarf to spin straw into gold.


This is only $1,000? Ooh la la: