Lindsay has been replaced in Inferno by this chick [The Superficial]
Blake Lively is leggy and see through [Popoholic]
Lady Gaga nipslip. Barf. [TaxiDriver Movie]
New Jersey hates Jersey Shore [Popeater]
Yes, women belong in the kitchen [COED Magazine]
Another Kardashian thinks she's a model [Celebslam]
Tara Reid is still a drunk mess [Dlisted]
Lots of ass cheeks in Hellcats [Egotastic]
Nicole Ritchie or Klingon? [Cityrag]
Ali Lohan got implants [Cele|bitchy]
Hottest personal trainer ever? [Heyman Hustle]
The World Cup chick is finally naked [The Blemish]
Justin Bieber smoking weed [Allie Is Wired]

Lindsay Lohan has been in the Lynwood Correctional Center for nine days, and from Day 1 her and her family having been telling anyone who would listen that she's Nelson Mandela chained to a car engine in Michael Vick's backyard being guarded by the SS. Man, I wonder what all this enabling has done for Lindsay? I bet it's not counterproductive at all. Star Magazine reports:

"The other day Lindsay was freaking out because she wanted another blanket. She kept yelling out, 'Hello! I asked for a blanket like two hours ago! I'm getting sick!' It went on for hours." "My sister told me that Lindsay was complaining about not having any bottled water to drink, and saying that unpurified water makes her sick. But this isn't some fancy hotel. If inmates want water, they drink good old Los Angeles tap water. "Then she was demanding someone bring her a fan. She said she was going to pass out. Of course she didn't get it — or the water."

And of course, Dina Lohan thought "jail" meant "day spa".

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on,” Dina told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

Look, I don't want to ruin the surprise for Dina, but her daughter is in JAIL. You don't get sentenced to 90 for scratching off three sailboats on a lottery ticket or winning the Showcase Showdown, you go to jail because you're a drunk bitch who can't handle her blow. Hope that clears everything up!

Lindsay has learned a valuable lesson in humility and how to live your life with quiet dignity while in jail, so to prove she has changed "several top stylists and hair and makeup people that Lindsay loves in Los Angeles have been put on hold from midnight on Thursday through the entire weekend". And of course, all the gays are in a tizzy to make Lindsay's 30 second walk out of jail into her own personal runway. Popeater reports:

"I am sure Lindsay will be sick of orange and jumpsuits and I definitely think ankle bracelets are out," Phillip Bloch, celebrity stylist and author of 'The Shopping Diet,' tells me. "Knowing Lindsay I expect her to emerge in some skin tight jeans and some uber-trendy layered top. If I had the opportunity to dress her (Philip dressed Halle Berry when she accepted her Oscar) when she exits jail I would put her in a soft and flowy sundress a la Natalie Wood. It wouldn't be bad to soften up her image at this point."

However, Lindsay and gays must realize that most jails don't have Vidal Sassoon displays or a staff who are willing to bow to her every delusional whim.

"There is a small, dirty public bathroom in the reception area that she will be allowed to use briefly before she leaves," an insider very familiar with Century Regional Correctional Facility tells me. "She will not be allowed to plug in a hairdryer and get a blow out and she can forget about using a flattening iron. There will be no full-length mirror and only if the corrections officers decide to be nice will they close the area to the public. Remember everyone who works at that jail hates the press. They don't want to be bothered with all this nonsense and want to rid themselves of Lindsay as quickly as possible."

Lindsay is also reportedly throwing a tantrum because she has to immediately report to rehab upon her release. Well, then. You know who won't be upset upon their release? My vampire cyborg pumas that have been recalibrated to only hunt semen-filled gingers high on prescription meds. Their hearts soulless, their hunger insatiable. They will return to me with no knowledge of who they are...or what they have done.

Lindsay will be getting out of jail in less than a week, but based on her incessant whining and crying all hours of the night, you'd think she was tied over a cliff on Skull Island. Oh, boo hoo, you spoiled cunt. The Sun reports:

The actress has reportedly kept prisoners at LA County jail awake at night as she wails over the taunts chanted at her repeatedly throughout the day. As a result, Lindsay's been put in lockdown as officials bid to make conditions more bearable for all, says former inmate Cheryl Presser. She revealed: "Lindsay would lie there shivering all night, crying and covering her face with her hands. "Her wailing was keeping everyone awake. She had a hysterical fit, crying and yelling, so she got put in isolation." One US report claims Lindsay is being monitored around-the-clock and has even spent a short time in hospital.

In other Lindsay news (there always is), Michael Lohan is still trying to keep his name in the news by attempting to get Robert Downey, Jr. (who went through drug rehabs like condoms back in the 90's), to speak with his troubled daughter. Us Magazine reports:

"My people are reaching out to Robert Downey Jr. and to Mark Wahlberg. I know both of them and Mark is a tremendous human being," Michael says. "Hopefully they'll see her before she gets out and she'll get in this rehab and get off these prescription meds, and she'll get her life back." "Once she gets out, which will be Thursday or Friday, of course I'm going to fly back and I'll be there for her," Michael says. "She's only on two [medications] right now. Ambien is for sleeping, so I can understand that," Michael says. "But this Adderall stuff has got to be stopped. Seven out of 10 kids in college are on this stuff and it's no more than methamphetamine! It's speed."

"My people are reaching out to Robert Downey, Jr."? Dude, you wear acid-washed jeans and a braided belt with a cell phone holster on it, who are these people you're talking about? Crockett and Tubbs? Are they still parking their DeLorean? Are they Vietnam vets who now solve mystery cases with an orange robot? I'm so confused right now.

Lindsay will more than likely be released from jail any day now, but according to recently released inmates, the prison is fully up to date on their 2007 slang.New York Magazine reports:

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been brought to tears in jail, because her inmates have been calling her "fire crotch." This actually sounds awful, made even worse by the dubious tale of her inmates "chanting" this nickname while she lays in her cell. One recently-released inmate explained: "Lindsay didn't say nothing. She was crying though." Apparently the other girls are sick of seeing the starlet receive special treatment: "Like if she even moves, they put the whole facility on lockdown. It happens all the time," a relative of an inmate explained.

In related news, in a move fully to get attention, Michael Lohan probably just did his single best act of parenting since signing Lindsay's birth certificate. TMZ reports:

Michael Lohan says he turned in a list of doctors he claims "over-prescribed" drugs to Lindsay Lohan ... and he wants the L.A. County Sheriff's Department to investigate the docs. Michael went to the West Hollywood Sheriff's station on Friday afternoon. He says he reported the doctors because he believes they wrongly prescribed drugs, and they did so "under false names." Lohan also says his lawyer, Lisa Bloom, talked to California Attorney General Jerry Brown about including these doctors as part of his massive prescription drug investigation.

I'm so tired of this story that I truly wouldn't care if I saw Lindsay being hung in the public square or shopping in Times Square by this time tomorrow.The whole family is useless and the sooner they're wiped off the face of the Earth the better. Preferably by some plague or a creature from the deep, but that's just me being selfish at this point.

Since most paparazzi are illegals who might not want to break into a jail, there's no new pics of Lindsay. So for all intents and purposes, let's pretend these are new:

There's a 150% chance that this story isn't true, but look at me not caring! FOX News reports:

Lindsay Lohan burst into tears after prison wardens ripped out her hair extensions and forced her to remove her false eyelashes when the star began her jail sentence in Los Angeles, the Daily Mirror reported Thursday. The 24-year-old actress was told she had to remove the fake hair on entering the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California on Tuesday to begin serving her sentence for violating her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case in 2007. A staff source said: “She just sat there stony-faced and couldn’t even bring herself to take them out herself. It was a sorry sight.” One of the prison guards said: “She was a broken woman. But she won’t get any sympathy here -- this is jail.”

FOX News actually sources a British tabloid, this probably is just all make believe. Like dinosaurs and the holocaust.

L.A.'s Century Regional Detention Facility, the one hissing and bursting into flames at the sight of the sun before noon would be Lindsay. Star Magazine reports:

5 a.m.: Lindsay’s in for a rude awakening! Every morning she will be roused from her sleep by a P.A. announcement before guards shout commands like “Line up for chow! Make your bed! Tuck your shirts in!”

6 a.m.: Time to eat! Lindsay will have 20 minutes to scarf down a quick breakfast like bread and butter or cereal with milk.

9:15 a.m.: The star can see her lawyers any day, starting in the morning.

10:30 a.m.: Lunch usually means something simple, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a piece of fruit.

2:30 p.m.: During free time, if Lindsay wants some exercise or sun, she may get an hour outside — surrounded by cement walls and barbed wire, of course.

5:30 p.m.: Dinner time! No more pricey sushi for the actress. She can now look forward to dishes like spaghetti with meat sauce, followed by something sweet, like Jell-O, for dessert.

6:30 p.m.: She can visit with approved loved ones on Saturdays and Sundays only.

9 p.m.: Lights out!

Does this make anyone else squeal in delight? I haven't been this happy since my Rainbow Brite backpack came in the mail. It's both a toy and a backpack! Rainbow Brite's back zips open to carry your items and features two rainbow straps to wear on your back! Plus, she's an adorable plush doll!

Dear California, fuck you.

Lindsay Lohan is actually handling jail well, sources at Lynwood tell TMZ. We're told she's "polite, compliant and responsive." She's not crying and is handling it well. And there's good news for the newly-minted jailbird. A Sheriff's official tells us she will probably be released around August 1, after serving only 13 or 14 days. A lot better -- for her -- than 23 days behind bars and, even worse, without cigarettes.

Of course. It's California, what do you honestly expect? The judge looked like the Berries and Cream lad, and to reiterate, it's California. Why would you ever be asked to be held responsible for your actions? I could drive through L.A. with the skins of dead children as seat covers and only be sentenced to having $50 deducted from my Starbucks gift card.