Part 1 of The Insider's "OMG, Lindsay is a secret celebrity hoarder but we just want to show you how much cool stuff she has while we kiss her ass" is online, and Niecy Nash and Lindsay's Marlboro and semen encrusted voice take you on a magical journey of lunacy and an unintentional infomercial for shock therapy. But, oh no, Lindsay doesn't need a psychiatric professional or medication to deal with this, she needs a sassy black woman to tell us about all the "mayhem and foolishness" and "framed pitchers" all up in Lindsay's house. But Lindsay betta not get shame now, because mama is here to clean house!

Lindsay in a bikini last year because I'm lazy:

You're not gonna believe this, but Lindsay Lohan is way more fucking crazy than initially thought. Daily Mail reports:

At just 23 years old, her volatile relationships, rift with her father and worries about her use of prescription drugs fill the tabloids. But behind closed doors the actress has been hiding another concerning issue. She is a secret hoarder - her luxury Los Angeles home is filled to the rafters with expensive but discarded purchases. Video footage from inside her mansion shows rooms piled high with bundles of clothes, boxes of shoes stacked to the ceiling and discarded purchases lying unopened. One bedroom is completely converted into a shoe closet, the hundreds of boxes labelled with photos of their contents. Even the living room is unusable, with tables and chairs covered in clutter and clothing.

I don't even know if this surprises me or not, because well, it's Lindsay Lohan. The cameras could have found her house could be filled with jars of vampire blood and midgets riding tricycles, and I would have just nodded my head and checked to see if I had any lettuce for my tuna sandwich.

Every year, 77-year old weirdo Austrian billionaire Richard Lugner pays celebrity skanks such as Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Dita Von Teese to be his date for Austria's premier social event, the Vienna Opera Ball. Katie Price was his first choice this year, but because she couldn't shut the hell up about it, his second choice was Lindsay Lohan. Who wants to take a guess how it's turned out so far? I bet you'll never guess! New York Post reports:

Lohan, dubbed "the fallen Disney princess" by the Austrian media, accepted Lugner's offer after his first choice, pneumatic British reality-TV star Jordan (aka Katie Price), stole his thunder by announcing her selection to the tabloids before he could. But Lohan had some issues. "She wanted to change some of the dates," Lugner told The Post. Alas, the ultraposh Opera Ball, started in 1936, "can't be moved." Then Lohan, 23, refused to pick a gown ahead of time and will wait until just before the Feb. 11 ball to pick "a European gown." Lugner won't comment on whether he's picking up the tab for that. Finally, her handlers called. No champagne. No open bar. No alcohol of any kind must be allowed within Lindsay's sight. "Her managers have told us to make sure that she doesn't drink during her trip," Lugner said. "We have made arrangements to pull all the liquor from the mini-bar in the hotel room where she'll stay, and told room service they are not to deliver drinks to her." To make sure Lohan will be on her best behavior as 2,000 haute Viennese waltz the night away, "we will be drinking only mineral water that night to avoid any problems."

Um, I'm not really sure what everybody was expecting. To reiterate, it's Lindsay Lohan. She's not going to be in her hotel doing Sudoku or teaching homeless kids how to read. She's gonna be huffing lighter fluid and doing rails and trying to swallow every cock within 50 yards. If the opera doesn't end with Lindsay masturbating with a Smirnoff bottle you can go ahead and call this a success.

I have no idea where these pictures of Lindsay Lohan trying on clothes in what appears to be an empty store were taken, but I can only assume this store was immediately doused in kerosene and burnt to the fucking ground. The virus must be contained. The evil must be destroyed.

Scientists and leading researchers have pondered for years how Lindsay Lohan could have more cocks inside her than a KFC and not have a sex tape, but yeah, they can stop worrying now. The Daily Mail reports:

The Mean Girls actress is currently bracing herself for the internet release of a private video file...The man offering around the sex video is a waiter with a well-known chain restaurant, according to the Daily Mirror...He has been told he has to release the footage to an 'offshore porn site', and it will then be available across the world. Now a source told the Mirror: 'This video file is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors.' They added: 'If and when it is released on the internet, via a spurious, unofficial website, there is absolutely nothing she or her lawyers can do about it.'

"Private video file"? I love the British, but seriously. This video isn't some counter-intelligence that Lindsay gathered for M to stop Quantum from taking over Bolivia's water supply. In a more likely scenario, it's Lindsay Lohan with her panties around her neck fumbling for her lighter while some dude fucks her in the ass. And let's not pretend it's something Lindsay doesn't want to get out. If she had a reality show, it would be sponsored by Plan B One-Step and anal beads, so let's not get too carried away here.

God knows why anybody would send Lindsay Lohan to India to be in a something about child trafficking, but here's a leaked clip from the BBC documentary. I'm pretty sure the children of India appreciated her coming, because they are truly the poor and despondent of the Earth. Even simple things like reading and counting, things children in America take for granted, are denied to these children. Let's hope while Lindsay was there she tried to teach these abandoned children basic mathematical concepts like counting to ten. They can count her T-cells for example.

Let's not kid ourselves, Lindsay Lohan should have been found dead in a ditch then frozen and used as a DNA database for the FBI two years ago, but in 2010 she will be like the Phoenix and rise from the ashes of delusion and lunacy. She says on her official Twitter:

"2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits [sic], and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)" Lohan, 23, tweeted from St. Barts, where she's been spending time onboard Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich's yacht. As Lohan vowed on her Twitter page, "Starting my new year off with friends&family, the way it should be..... No boyfriends and the other drama." Lohan's message threw cold water on recent reports that have romantically linked her to DJ Jus-Ske and model Adam Senn...Still, Lohan, won't let the detractors get her. "To answer everybody's question ... My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down," she Tweeted. "Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!)"

Lindsay can't go without coke or cock for five minutes, so there's a good chance she's passed out on a bathroom with her panties around her neck as I'm typing this. Because it's always a good sign when you tweet about changing your lifestyle while the Russian billionaire in the next room is putting on the horse mold strap on while a Chinese kid in his underwear is lighting firecrackers.

Lindsay Lohan and her sister looking for UV rays and their ass in St. Barts:

A community college student apparently didn't care about what he got on his Photography 101 final, because here's some pictures of Lindsay Lohan's skanky pale ass on the beach in a Santa hat. Jesus, can't she just go ahead and die already? Hasn't the AIDS worked it's magic yet? It's not like she's gonna do anything if she lives. If I was elected President, my first act would be to pass a law making it mandatory to hit Lindsay in the head with a brick to see if it will stabilize the economy. I mean, something has to get us out of this mess. If Lindsay's brains splattered on the wall can get me a low-interest loan, then by all means, go for it. If not, hey, no harm done.