Lindsay was in court yesterday for another probation report hearing, and she's all smiles here, because recently it's the only time you'll hear her name followed by the phrase "glowing reviews". So basically she just sat in the courtroom while everyone involved patted her on the head and praised her for doing the shit she's required by law to do anyway. Awesome. Why is this accepted? It's stupid. It's like me expecting a blowjob after I wash and put away the dishes. Wait, that's probably not the best analogy. No, seriously it's not. Just forget I said it, okay? LOOK I PRE-WASHED THEM BEFORE I PUT THEM IN THE DISHWASHER LIKE YOU SAID, RIGHT?! I EVEN PUT IT ON HEATED DRY! AND I TOTALLY SCRUBBED THAT BAKING WHATEVER THE HELL THAT THING WAS! C'mon, baby....don't be like that.

Because a ginger cokeslut with rectal bleeding and night sweats probably isn't the best choice to play a Hollywood beauty icon, Megan Fox is now being considered for the oh so coveted role of Elizabeth Taylor On the My Husband Beat Me And Somebody Stole My Identity Then My Husband Cheated On Me And I Have Multiple Personalities I Might Also Shoplift And I Was Raped Once Channel.
Hollywoodscoop reports:

Megan Fox, is reportedly also in talks to play Liz Taylor in the made-for-TV biopic. Both Megan Fox and Lindsay are shortlisted for the role, which is bad news for Lindsay, who was hoping this role would finally be her career comeback. According to Larry Thompson, the film’s producer, “I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversation with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” he tells E! News. “It’s a very serious selection. It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty,” he adds.

Free press and publicity by pulling actresses' names out of a hat is always a good thing I guess, especially for a made-for-TV movie that nobody will see, but let's get real here. This movie is on Lifetime. I'm pretty sure the "shortlist" includes Candace Cameron and Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Then Candace Cameron again.

Since the cocaine and the delusional disorder have long since taken over her brain, Lindsay Lohan truly believes she is still an A-list star and has every right to attend industry parties. By sneaking around back and commando crawling through the kitchen apparently. NYDN reports:

LINDSAY LOHAN don’t need no stinkin’ Golden Globe nomination to get her picture taken. On Wednesday the Weinstein Company hosted a pre-Globes party at the Chateau Marmont in L.A., and an insider says Lohan snuck in via the hotel’s back entrance. She then “made her way to the entrance for photo ops,” where the Weinstein firm’s Globe nominees, Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo from “The Artist” and Kenneth Branagh and Michelle Williams from “My Week With Marilyn,” were being snapped. Bradley Cooper also showed.

I've been writing about Lindsay Lohan for a quarter of her life now, and she makes it difficult for me to come up with different ways to say WTF DAMN CRACKHEAD BITCH. Mostly because there's seemingly no bottom to her depravity and psychosis. She should be a Batman villain at this point.

Wait, Lindsay Lohan is completely irresponsible? Haha get the fuck outta here! TMZ reports:

According to official documents filed in Los Angeles, the Internal Revenue Service has obtained a lien against Lohan for $93,701.57 for failure to pay her federal income tax. 2009 wasn't a very lucrative year for Lohan ... she only released one crappy made-for-TV movie, coupled with a few minor TV appearances. Now, if Lohan refuses to pay the debt ... the government can go after anything that belongs to her ... including homes, cars and bank accounts ... assuming she has any of those things.

This wouldn't be a Lindsay story if Lindsay didn't immediately give a stiff arm and throw somebody else under the bus. TMZ says:

Lindsay Lohan had no idea she was so deeply in the hole to Uncle Sam ... because she THOUGHT she had accountants to take care of that crap for her ... sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ...Now, sources close to Lindsay tell TMZ she was completely unaware of the problem. We're told Lindsay actually cleaned house recently and replaced most of her business team. Our sources say Lindsay believes the debt was most likely lost in the shuffle, but the issue will be handled immediately.

But wait! There's more! She's being sued. TMZ reports:

A paparazzo is suing Lindsay Lohan ... claiming he was badly injured when the car in which Lindsay was riding tried making a fast getaway from a Hollywood club and nailed him. Grigor Balyan was taking pictures of Lindsay at the time of the accident on January 10, 2010. Balyan's lawyer, Neil Steiner, tells TMZ ... Lindsay is being sued because her assistant was driving the car at her direction. Steiner says his client was medically treated for orthopedic and neurologic injuries. Steiner says he tried settling with Lindsay's insurance company but they only made "an insignificant offer." He says all he wants for his client is "reasonable compensation."

If you wake up one morning and turn on your computer and read a story about Lindsay Lohan rescuing a kitten from a tree or walking into a jewelry store and buying something then giving her change to a homeless man, walk outside immediately and look around. Obviously you're in some sort of alternate universe.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in talks to play iconic Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor in a Lifetime: Television For Movies About Women Getting Raped And Killed movie. Yeah, okay.
THR reports:

Lindsay Lohan could go from posing as Marilyn Monroe in Playboy to playing Elizabeth Taylor for Lifetime. The actress is in early talks to play the big-screen icon in a television movie for the female-skewing cable network, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed. The project is not a new one and has been in development at Lifetime since last May. Independent producer Larry Thompson, who previously worked with the cabler on its 2010 telepic Amish Grace, is overseeing the project.

In the last three years, Lindsay Lohan has been rumored to star in or been fired from more movies (Superman: Man of Steel, Gotti: Three Generations, Lovelace) than she's actually been hired for (Machete, Labor Pains), so who knows if this will actually make it to production without Lindsay being found dead in a ditch with her panties stuffed in her mouth or at a pawn shop trying to sell one of the cameras. And Elizabeth Taylor was hot, right? That's something we can all agree on, right? So if somebody could explain why Lindsay Lohan is being considered here, I'd appreciate it. Is CGI involved? Because, let's face it, I'd rather dig up the actual Elizabeth Taylor and have sex with it than stick my dick in Lindsay Lohan wearing one of those motion capture suits.

Fun fact: Lindsay turned down the role of stripper Jade in The Hangover (role that eventually went to Heather Graham) because she said the screenplay had "no potential". The movie grossed $467M worldwide. Stay off crack, kids.

Earlier this week, Dina Lohan made a huge point to tell everyone that Lindsay would not be hosting any NYE parties because she wants to focus on her sobriety and not get arrested again, but then the very next day it was announced that Lindsay would be hosting a NYE party in Dubai with Pamela Anderson. What incredible timing! No Lindsay plans to sue over these salacious lies. TMZ reports:

Lindsay Lohan will ring in 2012 at a RAGING PARTY in Dubai -- so says an overseas party planning company ... but TMZ has learned Lohan claims it's totally full of crap and now she's threatening legal action. Sources connected to Lohan tell us ... the actress was PISSED when she learned her name is being used to promote a massive NYE bash on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship in Dubai ... because it's simply not true. We're told Lindsay's legal team is pounding out a cease and desist letter -- claiming she's prepared to sue the pants off the party people if they continue to lie about Lohan's NYE plans. Lohan's rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ ... “Lindsay is not going to Dubai, nor had she ever considered doing so. She will be spending New Year's Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family."

Ok, I'm going to blatantly speculate on this whole thing solely based on the fact that Lindsay is a conniving drug addict who lies constantly. Ready? Lindsay agreed to host the party in Dubai and probably took a chunk of money of front, but the probation department denied her request to leave the country, so now she's "spending New Year's Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family" because that's what Lindsay Lohan would rather be doing on NYE instead of jumping off a solid gold T-Rex into a swimming pool filled with uncut blow. Of course. Staying at home with friends and family sounds just like Lindsay.

Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan got paid $1M to pose in Playboy then immediately went to Hawaii to pose in a bikini for ten grand? Yeah, she's still about $390K short. Oops.

January 2007–Wonderland Rehab: $58,000
May 2007–1st DUI Arrest: $30,000 for bail
May 2007–Promises Rehab: $54,500
July 2007–2nd DUI Arrest: $25,000 for bail
October 2007–Cirque Lodge Treatment Center in Utah: $60,000 (2 months at $30,000 a month
May 2010–Failure to appear in court: $100,000 for bail
June 9, 2010–Violated probation: $200,000 for bail
August 2010–UCLA Rehab bill: $130,000
September 25, 2010–Violated probation; failed drug test: $300,000 for bail
November 2010-January 2011–Betty Ford rehab bill: $150,000
February 9, 2011–Felony Grand Theft: $20,000 for bail, $20,000 for violating parole

Just to illustrate how big of a fuck up Lindsay is, I could set a kindergarten on fire on my way to robbing a bank and decapitating the hostages, and I still wouldn't need $1.4M to get legal representation. Mostly because I'd probably be in Mexico immediately after that. Or Durham. It would be cheaper just to pay off the police there.

Wait, you mean to tell me that nobody wants to pay money to see an airbrushed drug addict with fake teeth airbrushed by Pixar? It's like I don't understand the world anymore. Fox News reports:

Amidst the holiday melee, shoppers aren’t rushing to pick up their copy of the much-talked about Lindsay Lohan issue of Playboy this week. It was one thing to see Lohan’s nude Playboy spread when it was leaked on the Internet last week. It’s another experience entirely to see the 10 pages of photos in person in the magazine, which hit newsstands Friday. But not many consumers are paying for that experience. In fact, interest seems low in seeing Lohan’s intensely air-brushed impersonation of Marilyn Monroe in glossy print...No one has bought it,” was the resounding answer to our query at each stop. It shouldn’t come as a surprise. Once the photos were leaked, the response to the spread, for which Playboy paid a reported $1 million, were lukewarm across the board. “I'm not surprised at all. Despite Playboy's hype, there was nothing particularly shocking or new about this shoot. While these shots may have been slightly closer to full frontal than Lindsay's previous shots, they weren't actually full frontal; there was also nothing particularly new about Lindsay dressing up as Marilyn Monroe,” says Lux Alptraum, editor of Fleshbot.com. “I thought the shots were really boring and didn't really live up to the promises Playboy had made," Alptraum added. "If they'd actually gotten full frontal shots of Lindsay, or come up with a fresher, more interesting concept, there might have been more demand for the photos.”

Hugh Hefner basically knew it wasn't going to sell, but he's old and senile.

In an exclusive interview with E! News Hugh Hefner himself admitted that he originally had doubts about including Lohan in the magazine and putting her on the cover. “It really came as a surprise to me," Hefner told E! "I kind of had mixed emotions about it initially, and then it turned into something bigger than life. "I wasn't quite sure where she was at in her life, obviously. It depends on whether it's Tuesday or Thursday."

I wouldn't pay Lindsay Lohan to kill herself, so I'm not sure why Playboy would pay all that when all you have to do is get on Google and type "lindsay lohan nude". Or just show up at her house with some white stuff in a ziploc bag. She'd be spreading out a tarp and pouring lube in her ass before she even realizes she just snorted flour.